After Months of Lurking and Studying, I'm Ready For a Critique

Over $30 for a bit of string on a stick, I will have 7 for that price.
Not sure that the eskimos need any more ice...

Get to the point right away. It took me a while to "get" the product. For me, the body of the letter really starts:

Dear Friend,

One chilly autumn evening...

Which news outlet covered that story? Get an "As seen on..." badge on there. I'd also put that video at the top, left of the headline or just below. It's awkwardly placed.

The sub-head is redundant. The headline isn't bad, but the hook is buried in the Santa Clause story (the bit about solving Santa's problem). Think about which story you really want to lead with. If the book is the bigger ticket item, sell that and up-sell the "gift set".

My concern about selling the gift set up front is the reaction from moms, "Cool idea. We can do that with the yarn I already have."

Your headline is too vague.

The Christmas Web slows down chaotic Christmas mornings so you can make lasting memories.

You get that across in the copy, but not in the headline.

Identify your prospect right away (stressed out parents), and show them what problem you're fixing for them.

You gotta at least tease what the gift is in your headline package. I had no clue what you were selling at all until a long way down.

Open the kimono slightly at the top. Then gradually reveal more as you go.

And you've also got to make it seem like a truly epic pain in the ass for someone to put this together on their own.

--- Ross

May I offer a couple of my thoughts?

Ever see a group of friends that all seem to have a common phrase they like to use? You're around them and someone says the phrase, the rest of the group busts out laughing...and you sit there looking lost?

Read a story once about a guy selling peaches by mail order. To most, selling peaches by mail order would be tricky. Sure, you could add a picture...talk about how great your peaches were...talk about the great prices you had...

he told an interesting story about how they went out first thing every morning and picked peaches...how they only chose the best ones...how they decided which ones were ready...

If you took the whole marketing concept and refined it down to its purest form...you'd end up with: People either want what they don't have, or don't want what they have.

Now...

I can sense your product is something you're very passionate about. It's a family tradition. It falls into the first story I told about the friends. The way your material is written right now doesn't do a good job of exciting others about your family tradition.

When I first read your piece and you were talking about these wands you were selling...fell into the second story I told about the peaches. You're just not adding much in the way of their uniqueness. As one poster above said, seems anyone could make these. I'd add a story about the precision, love, craftsmanship, etc., you put into them.

The marketing also seemed lopsided because I read most of it, then discovered you had a book that went along with the wands.

Almost seemed as though the book should be the main focus to help sell the wands?

People either want what they don't have, or don't want what they have...

your product doesn't fall into either of these categories right now.

Your product isn't something that automatically is wanted by people.

So...

your main mission is to get people to want what you have. Again, what you have right now isn't doing the job. The farther away you are from either of the concepts, the more work you have to do to market your product.

Another observation...

seems like you're trying to rely on the concept that your product builds family value, etc. I get the feeling you're focused on families that either want or already have a great family structure.

Which brings me to this...

Either on purpose to avoid controversy, or maybe because of your beliefs...or in an attempt to be all inclusive, you make no mention of the religious significance some place on the holiday. I tend to think you're alienating a lot of buyers who may think your product misses the mark about the religious significance of Christmas.

Given who I'm assuming is your target audience, I'm convinced you should somehow include something in your letter that brings them on board. There's more I could say on the subject, but I haven't talked with you...and so don't know your position.

These are just a few of my initial thoughts.

Wish you well.

James: "Think about which story you really want to lead with. If the book is the bigger ticket item, sell that and up-sell the "gift set".
Reading these comments makes it clear to me that it isn't clear that the book and the wands come as a package. You're right; I need to make that clear early on, that it's not just about "...a bit of string on a stick..."

Benjamin: "The Christmas Web slows down chaotic Christmas mornings so you can make lasting memories."
I like that as a template; "This product solves this problem and does this to boot."

Ross: "And you've also got to make it seem like a truly epic pain in the ass for someone to put this together on their own."
Again, this is me not making it clear that the product includes a big ol', hand illustrated book that tells a charming story.

max5ty: "The marketing also seemed lopsided because I read most of it, then discovered you had a book that went along with the wands."
I believe it's a majority now. Man, that's a lot of great input and I really appreciate your time and effort...

In fact, I appreciate all your time and effort; it's been a great learning experience.

Jerry