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What do you think about my new sales page?

by stevealtman
19 replies
Limitless Alpha – The Subconscious Alpha Male

I've gotten sales and reviews already but I want to expand to a very high position in the market so I've been working to make this page highly enticing, and I would love your input on how I can improve the page. Don't hold back on your opinion.


Also, I'm not exactly a veteran copywriter, and this is only like the 3rd or 4th sales page I've ever made, so I wouldn't mind some validation too - so I know what's good and what to keep. Too much criticism can make me doubt everything I've made, so a little positive feedback in addition to the criticism doesn't hurt.
#page #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
    I haven't had a chance to watch the video.

    But the headline is a bit weak. Its very similar to thousands of others. All stating the "power of the subconscious mind" making your product a "me to" in a very competitive market.

    It might be better to -

    Elaborate on why your program works.

    Concentrate more on the "mechanism" rather than the promise.

    Make it easier, quicker and surer than everyone else's program.

    Show that it solves more of the problem. Overcomes old limitations and promises extra benefits.

    Embellish the "mechanism" with greater clarity, proof and show the unique aspects of the process.


    Steve
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    http://www.warriorforum.com/warriors...right-now.html
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    • Profile picture of the author stevealtman
      Originally Posted by Steve The Copywriter View Post

      I haven't had a chance to watch the video.

      But the headline is a bit weak. Its very similar to thousands of others. All stating the "power of the subconscious mind" making your product a "me to" in a very competitive market.

      It might be better to -

      Elaborate on why your program works.

      Concentrate more on the "mechanism" rather than the promise.

      Make it easier, quicker and surer than everyone else's program.

      Show that it solves more of the problem. Overcomes old limitations and promises extra benefits.

      Embellish the "mechanism" with greater clarity, proof and show the unique aspects of the process.


      Steve

      Hmm interesting. Yeah I've been more focused on competing with the inner game products of this specific market (pick up inner game development), which don't really mention the subconscious mind on the headline. They just say "gain confidence and self esteem!" but don't mention that the subconscious is involved.


      And yeah I agree about the mechanisms - but should I put it at the top or further down?


      because the mechanisms, while simple, won't fit on a headline.


      Great advice though I'm definitely gonna need to explain the mechanisms and the "how it works" a bit more clearly. I guess I was going with a curiosity angle but eff that no one's really curious anymore everyone's just skeptical, and rightfully so.
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      • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
        Quote I agree about the mechanisms - but should I put it at the top or further down? because the mechanisms, while simple, won't fit on a headline.



        You can use a pre-headline, main headline and a sub-headline.

        And deck copy.


        Steve
        Signature
        http://www.warriorforum.com/warriors...right-now.html
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        • Profile picture of the author stevealtman
          Originally Posted by Steve The Copywriter View Post

          Quote I agree about the mechanisms - but should I put it at the top or further down? because the mechanisms, while simple, won't fit on a headline.



          You can use a pre-headline, main headline and a sub-headline.

          And deck copy.


          Steve

          Hmm okay you're giving me something to think about
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  • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
    Originally Posted by stevealtman View Post

    Limitless Alpha - The Subconscious Alpha Male |

    I've gotten sales and reviews already but I want to expand to a very high position in the market so I've been working to make this page highly enticing, and I would love your input on how I can improve the page.
    Steve, there is no mention of a specific desired result.

    Like, for for example, text your wife into bed.

    It starts from there and you build your case
    for delivering that promise.

    Best,
    Ewen
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    • Profile picture of the author stevealtman
      Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

      Steve, there is no mention of a specific desired result.

      Like, for for example, text your wife into bed.

      It starts from there and you build your case
      for delivering that promise.

      Best,
      Ewen

      There are more than enough products out there telling men "how to get laid" "how to pick up women" "how to get your ex back"

      My product is for men who have seen all these, failed, and want something that'll finally help them succeed.

      It's more advanced and not for beginners, definitely not for people cold to the pick-up/dating market. So no "get laid in 7 days"

      Its more of a "Confident and self-empowered guys get laid, here's how to be confident and self-empowered"

      and then instead of having me go "imagine how fantastic your life will be when you wake up next to drop dead gorgeous girls, naked, just for you, almost every night"

      I let them make their own images in mind.

      Most sales pages do the above anyway so I'd rather not be a "i can get you laid too" Most of these guys have had people tell them to imagine these things, and once they purchased the product, they didnt get these things.

      So now when they read stuff like this they go "bleh, shut up"

      But if I say "You can develop confident and THAT will lead to sex, getting laid etc" then they have an easier time believing that.

      You know what I mean?

      I think you'd need to familiarize yourself a bit with this specific market (men's inner game/self-improvement) to understand a few of the more subtle things
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      • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
        Originally Posted by stevealtman View Post

        There are more than enough products out there telling men "how to get laid" "how to pick up women" "how to get your ex back"

        My product is for men who have seen all these, failed, and want something that'll finally help them succeed.

        It's more advanced and not for beginners, definitely not for people cold to the pick-up/dating market. So no "get laid in 7 days"

        Its more of a "Confident and self-empowered guys get laid, here's how to be confident and self-empowered"

        and then instead of having me go "imagine how fantastic your life will be when you wake up next to drop dead gorgeous girls, naked, just for you, almost every night"

        I let them make their own images in mind.

        Most sales pages do the above anyway so I'd rather not be a "i can get you laid too" Most of these guys have had people tell them to imagine these things, and once they purchased the product, they didnt get these things.

        So now when they read stuff like this they go "bleh, shut up"

        But if I say "You can develop confident and THAT will lead to sex, getting laid etc" then they have an easier time believing that.

        You know what I mean?

        I think you'd need to familiarize yourself a bit with this specific market (men's inner game/self-improvement) to understand a few of the more subtle things
        Steve, the point I was trying to make, was to be very specific as to the outcome a buyer will get as a result of buying.

        BTW, I mentored a relationship/dating guru's
        full time copywriter.

        Best,
        Ewen
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        • Profile picture of the author stevealtman
          Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

          Steve, the point I was trying to make, was to be very specific as to the outcome a buyer will get as a result of buying.

          BTW, I mentored a relationship/dating guru's
          full time copywriter.

          Best,
          Ewen

          Oh but there's an extremely specific list of outcomes the buyer will get as a result of buying, towards the end.

          It's listed in bullets

          Also the testimonials are an indirect way of letting them know of specific outcomes

          "confidence shot up" "women showing me more attention" "guys laughing at all my jokes" "After everything I tried I can finally approach women"

          Maybe you mean emotional outcomes?
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          • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
            Originally Posted by stevealtman View Post

            Oh but there's an extremely specific list of outcomes the buyer will get as a result of buying, towards the end.

            It's listed in bullets
            True Steve.

            Now the thing about the brain is it is naturally
            lazy and scrolling down to find them is hard work.

            Now if you brought the biggest and most appealing
            outcome to your market to your headline
            and lead in with it, then you've captured
            the readers attention.

            Have a mental picture of the reader having
            his hand on the mouse ready to click away
            and never come back again.

            With that in mind, you'll make darn sure
            each word, each sentence takes your reader
            to the next word, next sentence and ultimately
            buys because it seems the obvious thing to do.

            Best,
            Ewen
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            • Profile picture of the author stevealtman
              Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

              True Steve.

              Now the thing about the brain is it is naturally
              lazy and scrolling down to find them is hard work.

              Now if you brought the biggest and most appealing
              outcome to your market to your headline
              and lead in with it, then you've captured
              the readers attention.

              Have a mental picture of the reader having
              his hand on the mouse ready to click away
              and never come back again.

              With that in mind, you'll make darn sure
              each word, each sentence takes your reader
              to the next word, next sentence and ultimately
              buys because it seems the obvious thing to do.

              Best,
              Ewen
              Like the mental picture idea. Instant self hypnosis lol. I gotta ask my subconscious "how can I make it so my sales message is irresistible from the first word all the way down to completing the payment" and see what comes out. Thanks for the inspiration
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          • Profile picture of the author Tim R
            Hey Steve,

            I only watched the first few minutes of your video, but it seems that you're focused primarily on the success with women aspect. I'm just wondering why you've chosen that headline then, as it seems too broad and not really consistent with the rest of your sales letter. You've mentioned meeting women as the very last thing in your headline, but it's almost exclusively what you talk about. If you're marketing to the dating/PUA niche, don't dilute your headline with all the stuff about business connections etc.

            The whole page comes across very businesslike and boring to me. Even in the video you're wearing a shirt and tie, and it gives off the vibe of a door to door Bible salesman. Loosen up a bit. Add some excitement and emotion to your letter.

            I get that you're going after more advanced guys who are fed up with the overhyped products out there. But because they're more cynical, you need to show them specifically how your product will achieve what other products don't. They've also heard of hypnosis/meditation stuff like this before. How is your product better than what Hypnotica offers? Or any of the other gurus who have a reputation in the industry? I don't feel there's enough in the way of your story and your own success with women, so readers aren't going to feel like you've been in their shoes and can show them how to break through to the other side.

            Not a fan of your headline 'The Real "Secret" to Succeeding with Women Finally Revealed - It All Comes Down to Confidence'. Why? Because guys have heard this a million times. You're not in fact revealing anything, so this also sets off red flags in the customer's mind that you've got nothing new to offer. And the more experienced guys that you're going after know that you can't just develop confidence from listening to a CD.

            I think you need to rethink your positioning in this market and be more clear about who your typical customer is. Try coming up with one big idea that speaks to that customer and sets you apart from the masses, and create your sales letter based around that.

            Tim.
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      • Profile picture of the author max5ty
        Originally Posted by stevealtman View Post


        There are more than enough products out there telling men "how to get laid" "how to pick up women" "how to get your ex back"

        My product is for men who have seen all these, failed, and want something that'll finally help them succeed.

        It's more advanced and not for beginners, definitely not for people cold to the pick-up/dating market. So no "get laid in 7 days"

        Its more of a "Confident and self-empowered guys get laid, here's how to be confident and self-empowered"

        and then instead of having me go "imagine how fantastic your life will be when you wake up next to drop dead gorgeous girls, naked, just for you, almost every night"

        I let them make their own images in mind.

        Most sales pages do the above anyway so I'd rather not be a "i can get you laid too" Most of these guys have had people tell them to imagine these things, and once they purchased the product, they didnt get these things.

        So now when they read stuff like this they go "bleh, shut up"

        But if I say "You can develop confident and THAT will lead to sex, getting laid etc" then they have an easier time believing that.
        Dude, see what you wrote in the quote?

        You actually started writing a real sales letter!

        Like you were talking to a friend...wow, you actually sound confident...you go.

        Congrats!!!

        Now this is what I call progress!

        If you came walking up to me and started talking like you do in your video or current sales letter...I'd figure you never got laid.

        Hot diggity dog.
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        • Profile picture of the author stevealtman
          Ahhhh I'm so happy I posted here you guys are brilliant. I'm taking a crap right now but you're giving me a LOT to think about. Especially max5ty you sound like you know alot about the niche.
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          • Profile picture of the author Tim R
            Originally Posted by stevealtman View Post

            I'm taking a crap right now but you're giving me a LOT to think about.
            I admire your ability to multitask

            Tim.
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            • Profile picture of the author stevealtman
              Originally Posted by Tim R View Post

              I admire your ability to multitask

              Tim.
              Especially you TIM*

              I thought max was the one who mentioned the hypnotica stuff lol. Thanks dude.
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    You have a video at the top? Doesn't play on an ipad. Epic miss.

    Anyway...

    I just wrote a video script for a hypnosis product.

    The whole, "You just need confidence" angle is NOT the way to go. It's a hook that nobody's gonna bite.

    Secondly...

    Your avatar is all over the place.

    Are you speaking to men who value their self-development? If so, there's isn't nearly enough authority here. You're failing to articulate how the subconscious determines our actions - in a clear, transparent way. Men won't believe they can change their results with women, from the inside-out, if you don't help them see how their limiting beliefs and stories (programmed in the subconscious) are sabotaging their every effort.

    Stuff like this...

    It causes your subconscious mind to automatically calculate your limiting beliefs and fears based on your past experiences and memories surrounding women and social situations, using an algorithm that has proven to be very accurate in testing.
    ...Doesn't cut it.

    That's confusing as hell man.

    Spell. It. Out. Clearly. The beginning of that quote starts out okay. Then it becomes this complicated mess that gets the reader nowhere, fast.

    Mark

    P.S. Are you talking to men who just want to get laid as much as possible? If so, there's a severe lack of edge here. There are other methods that talk up a much bigger game.
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    • Profile picture of the author stevealtman
      Originally Posted by Mark Pescetti View Post

      You have a video at the top? Doesn't play on an ipad. Epic miss.

      Anyway...

      I just wrote a video script for a hypnosis product.

      The whole, "You just need confidence" angle is NOT the way to go. It's a hook that nobody's gonna bite.

      Secondly...

      Your avatar is all over the place.

      Are you speaking to men who value their self-development? If so, there's isn't nearly enough authority here. You're failing to articulate how the subconscious determines our actions - in a clear, transparent way. Men won't believe they can change their results with women, from the inside-out, if you don't help them see how their limiting beliefs and stories (programmed in the subconscious) are sabotaging their every effort.

      Stuff like this...



      ...Doesn't cut it.

      That's confusing as hell man.

      Spell. It. Out. Clearly. The beginning of that quote starts out okay. Then it becomes this complicated mess that gets the reader nowhere, fast.

      Mark

      P.S. Are you talking to men who just want to get laid as much as possible? If so, there's a severe lack of edge here. There are other methods that talk up a much bigger game.

      Oh haha shit that's not good. Gotta put up a new video player.


      And for the confidence thing, yeah I had a feeling too it was off, but I wanted to give them straight advice, and what I said is 100% correct - if you just stop reading so much and learn how to build your confidence you WILL succeed.


      You're right though, I used to hate when people told me to "just gain confidence"


      And yeah definitely, and that's what Steve mentioned too, I need to explain the "mechanisms"


      And my target is men who want to develop themselves, yeah. You can tell from the list of main benefits (near the bottom)


      So what I'm understanding is that I need to build more proof and authority by explaining HOW the program works to finally help them succeed instead of just throwing in fancy words like subconscious mind and limiting beliefs and algorithms.


      Idk if this is what you were trying to say but that feels right. Definitely need to change that.
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    I'm looking at your copy from the perspective of:

    What would be considered relevant traffic?

    For instance...

    If you got a solo on Bob Proctor's list, would those men be buyers?

    Nope.

    What about dating, get laid or find your soul mate lists?

    No. It wouldn't grab 'em.

    You're not enough of a self-development brand. Because you aren't explaining how the subconscious "manifests" our reality (specifically the results that men experience with women.) And how your specific hypnosis technique can clear old programming... and add a new story.

    You're not enough of a get laid or date as many women as you want kind of brand. Because you aren't hitting those triggers nearly enough.

    You're not even revealing enough about your specific hypnosis brand and techniques.

    In fact...

    I don't GET your brand at all. It's a big disconnect.

    But I haven't watched the video. Maybe you cover it better there.

    Mark
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  • Profile picture of the author stevealtman
    And mark yeah I get what you're saying. I actually have a lot of amazing material in the actual product itself but I thought it might be a bit too much to put into a sales letter. But I guess I gotta drop the curiosity angle and go with informative.
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