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Will Home Buyers Fill out the Form or Call? Please Critique!!

by IndiForce
9 replies
Dear Warriors,

I have tremendous respect for this copywriting forum & its members. We created this landing page for a client & the idea is to bring targeted traffic via adwords.

Instead of a regular sales copy, I thought we can write up something on behalf of the owner.

This is what I came up with - SkyPark

Will appreciate if you can critique the copy, design & its ability to pull any leads.

Thanks in advance. Happy Thanksgiving to all of you!
#buyers #call #critique #critique my sales letter #fill #form #home #landing page copywriting #sales letter
  • Profile picture of the author Shaun706
    I don't think your gonna have many homebuyers submit their information. You have no real offer for a homebuyer to request.

    Ask yourself, "What makes a Singapore Style Condominium unique or better than a regular condominium?"

    Take that answer and turn it into something that you give away to prospects who visit that package. Make sure that you give it a good name also. That always helps
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  • Profile picture of the author Shaun706
    I meant turn it into something that you can give away to prospects who visit you page.
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    • Profile picture of the author IndiForce
      Thanks Shaun!

      1. If someone is interested they would like to see the plans. we are asking them to mail us for all the details.

      2. The title of the form talks about a 'current offer' - not compelling enough?

      what can be a hook to get people to fill it out.
      what do you think about the copy of the letter?
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  • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
    Originally Posted by IndiForce View Post

    Dear Warriors,

    I have tremendous respect for this copywriting forum & its members. We created this landing page for a client & the idea is to bring targeted traffic via adwords.

    Instead of a regular sales copy, I thought we can write up something on behalf of the owner.

    This is what I came up with - SkyPark

    Will appreciate if you can critique the copy, design & its ability to pull any leads.

    Thanks in advance. Happy Thanksgiving to all of you!
    The copy needs tuning, but in my opinion, you've done a decent job of "selling" the prospect on the idea of submitting the form.

    The graphic at the top is excellent... a person seeking that lifestyle could easily imagine himself living there. And the copy tells a story and has benefits.

    Alex
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    • Profile picture of the author IndiForce
      Hi Alex,

      'decent job' coming from you means a lot. looks like i have some hope. Thanks. Will work on fine tuning it.
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  • Profile picture of the author DanSharp
    The graphic IS excellent. The text needs work. "I didn't like the plans" is not a good hook in my opinion. That can come later. The first paragraph should inspire excitement and interest, it's there to get the reader reading.

    Otherwise you're doing very well.
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  • Profile picture of the author Marvin Johnston
    Well, taking the road less traveled, I have a problem with the graphic... there is nothing of interest above the fold to tell me anything useful. How many people will actually scroll down to find out more since you haven't given the reader any reason to do so?

    Maybe a better question to ask is how many potential customers/clients will you lose?

    Marvin
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  • Profile picture of the author KingOfContentMarketing
    When you say, "It is Chennai's First International Style Condominium." The next sentence says, "The 1st apartment complex with a plunge pool." I would separate that line into a bullet and add more bullets describing features and benefits that prove your claim.
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    Marketing is not a battle of products. It is a battle of perceptions.
    - Jack Trout
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  • Profile picture of the author Wytnyt
    You can also try guiding them to visualize the place with you and taking them there inside their mind.

    Sounds "out there" I know, but getting the reader to "see, feel, smell, hear and touch" it will make them want it.

    "Imagine waking up in the morning and...

    Outside is... You can find this... and that...

    You can feel the cool gentle breeze brush past your skin...

    You can experience Singapore-style high-rise living because we talked to this architect lady...

    And all that stuff...

    You deserve only the best... reserve your spot to take advantage of the price discount... when it's open to the public the low price becomes this high price and you probably won't be able to get a unit anymore coz' all the wealthy 1%-ers will be fighting over it...

    call us now"

    Or something like that...
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