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Copy Suggestions Please...

by incblitz
5 replies
Hi.

I'm not sure if this is an appropriate question, but:


I've been selling a buffered form of vitamin c in our country, with modest success.

I want to improve my sales by adding direct mail and email marketing in my campaign.

Problem is, my copy sucks.

I was wondering if anyone can give me a few pointers to get me started.
(with the copy)

Anyways, here are some information:

Me & my wife got into selling vitamin c almost by accident,
his dad had macular hole, where we consulted with different
traditional doctors. With the CAM doctor his condition improved
in a few short weeks, and the recommendation for operation was
cancelled by the previous traditional doctors.

I've had fatty liver. A traditional doctor expected 1 year treatment.
I got cured in 3 weeks following the CAM doctor.

I researched this field, went through seminars conducted by the CAM
doctor, and even passed 2 exams he gave, in order for me to sell
buffered vit c.

In our country, vitamin c megadose is relatively unknown.

Megadose has plenty of benefits:
- it results in youthful skin, bones, blood vessels
- it gives you more energy, especially if you are stressed all the time
- it is far more effective in handling a number of cardiovascular diseases than traditional methods
- has other therapeutic benefits as well: lowers blood sugar for diabetic people, controls thyroid hormone,
- it lightens skin (in our country, lighter skin = prettier)
- it (minimally) helps in burning fat
- chelates heavy metals, preventing a number of diseases including Alzheimers'

Research in megadose dates back to doctors who use it since the 1930's,
combination of oral and IV. Currently, practitioners of megadose vit c are
plenty, with great success.

Megadose is used in complementary and alternative medicine,
which a lot of popular celebrities are now into.

Buffered > Ordinary ascorbic acid because
Ordinary asc acid irritates the stomach, and fat in diets interferes with vit c absorption,
so its better to take it before meals, which you can't do with ordinary asc acid

Most people have health problems even if they don't know it, specially
those who work in cities. Once they take the product, they notice results
within just a few days.

Animals product their own vitamin c, at relatively high levels, humans can't.

Most animals don't develop wrinkles (vitamin c is high ->
collagen is preserved -> healthy arteries, bones, muscles, cartillage, & skin)

Megadose usually results in balanced hormones, meaning those with menstrual
cramps usually report great relief, even never experiencing it again;
those with acne lose it drastically

The former president of the national association of doctors in our country
tried it (vit c high dose) on 2 patients, one with Lupus and the other
with cancer. Both cases were cured.

I have dozens of testimonials, with different health/vanity concerns.

Bulk of my clients come from referrals: most of them got interested because
they saw the effects of a friend or a relative.

Skepticism is high, since there are a number of health products.

Our products' price is affordable, not cheap.
But in comparison to other products that do the functions, is a lot cheaper.

Only 8% of Hypertensive medication costs
15% of SKin lightening costs

Human nature applies here: you don't think of your health until you
feel the pain. Younger clients look for the vanity side (lighten, fat burning,
clear skin)

About 60% of my clients are 40years old and above.

I have some Gary Halbert and John Carlton swipes (I found from the web)
And got Harlan Kilsteins' (from his website) as well.
#copy #suggestions
  • Profile picture of the author David Raybould
    Hi.

    The best thing for you to do depends
    on your budget and timeframe.

    If you want great copy, and you need
    it sooner rather than in 6 month's time,
    your best bet is to hire a good pro
    copywriter.

    If your budget doesn't stretch to that,
    head over to Amazon.com and buy the
    following books:

    How To Write A Good Advertisement - Victor Schwab
    Tested Advertising Methods - John Caples
    The Adweek Copywriting Handbook - Joe Sugarman

    There are plenty of other great copywriting
    books out there, but these 3 are good as a
    starting point, and they're very affordable.

    Study them endlessly, put the time in
    writing your salesletter, rewriting it, and then
    starting it over, and you should start
    to see some improvement.

    Be warned though - it will likely take
    months before your letter is even in the
    same zipcode as being effective...

    Yup, it's a long process. it takes years
    to get good at this stuff, but that's why
    the ones that are good get paid the big
    bucks...

    Good luck

    -David Raybould
    Signature
    Killer Emails. Cash-spewing VSLs. Turbocharged Landing Pages.

    Whatever you need, my high converting copy puts more money in your pocket. PM for details. 10 years experience and 9 figure revenues.
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    • Profile picture of the author incblitz
      I tried the following, based on reading some salesletters I compiled ....

      Critique please.




      Former Head of Filipino Doctors Accidentally Discovers
      The Secret To Looking And Feeling 10 Years Younger
      Almost Overnight... Even Without Diet And Exercise


      Now you can get first hand glimpse into hidden information
      accidentally learned by two-time former President of the Philippine
      Medical Association Dr Primitivo Chua in what has been
      called "the closest thing to the fountain of youth..."

      Get whiter & youthful skin, a lean body, and have more energy
      than you've ever thought possible, with the amazing new
      discovery that has been simulataneously studied all over the world...

      And what's more amazing is that you can easily see for yourself within
      two to four days what this can do for you...

      However, there's a slight catch, the effectiveness of this discovery
      hangs on a very important preparation, which will be revealed to you here...

      If done properly, you will gain all its advantages...

      If done incorrectly, the effects will almost become nothing.
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  • Profile picture of the author procopywriter
    You still need a lot of work. The flow is very awkward--long, clunky sentences, etc. I would NOT mention this right off the bat: "If done incorrectly, the effects will almost become nothing." There is a much better way to frame this... and I'd put it much later in the letter.

    Keep in mind the structure of written persuasion. Attract attention... reel them in by keeping them interested... arouse their core desires... then reveal all the product details... then ask for the order. That's a ROUGH outline--the classic AIDA formula.

    You'll want to map out your structure before you write. What are you going to talk about? What's your proof? What's your story? What are the details? What will go where? Map your structure... then fill in the details.

    Try this as a possible headline:

    Former President of Philippine Medical Association
    Accidentally Discovers "Closest Thing To The Fountain Of Youth..."

    Were it me, I'd play around with this "Fountain of Youth" idea, and brainstorm different ways of using it as a theme throughout the piece. There's something inherently intriguing about it.

    Use that as a starting point for telling the story about how you uncovered it, why you're so excited about it, what the science says about it, etc.

    However... I'd have to back David on this. If you're a beginning sales copywriter, I have no doubt you can master it with a few years of dedicated effort. But if you want to get your business off the ground fast, hire someone experienced to write it for you. You'll waste months (or even years) of your time, not to mention thousands of dollars in wasted marketing dollars, trying to do it yourself. Focus on what you're really good at... and outsource the rest.

    Best of luck!

    Aaron
    Signature
    Joshua Aaron Stanley, The 'Spiritual' Copywriter:
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    • Profile picture of the author incblitz
      Thanks Aaron... I actually used your suggestion of the headline I sent out...

      I sent this to a cold list (to condo neighbors)
      about 400 recipients, brought in 9 orders... about 2%

      So I guess I'm way out of target.

      I would want to make this work so I can convince my wife that direct response marketing works. (so I can hire a pro copywriter, and I agree with both of you as I've been hounding my wife for months about this)

      Suggestions please. Thanks.


      Big Sale Now On "The Closest Thing To Fountain of Youth" Accidentally Uncovered By Former Head of Philippine Doctors

      Hi neighbor. I'm ___ and I'm living here in ___. My husband and I are having A Sale Today Until June 20, 2009.


      We're Doing This For 3 Reasons:


      1. We're celebrating my sister-in-laws' (____) string of successes as a commercial model...

        You may have already seen her in shampoo ads on TV, or on the MRT as she's all over the columns in MRT stations, or on billboards and print ads for popular brands of bread, and anti-stress products, and just recently, for a feminine wash PH protecting product. In fact, she's on her way (as of writing) to Macau (June 2-5) and Malaysia (June 9-13) for modeling stints abroad.
      2. We've overstocked our product Vital C (which is really our fault).

        We're supposed to ship to Japan, but we stocked a lot more than our orders. We prefer to ship our products to Japan since its priced at 3,000/box there. And we really love serving clients who really prefer high quality products.
      3. The Swine Flu virus has already spread in the Philippines. And what we offer is one of the best protections for this.


      What that means to you is, you're not going to pay the 3,000/box price as our quality-conscious Japan clients pay for...


      ...It's Only 650/box To You (Again NOT 3,000/box)...


      And to sweeten the deal, we're also sending you $44 (around 2,000pesos) worth of bonuses. (More on this later)


      And not only that, we're also giving you this deal at...


      No Questions Asked, 100% Money Back Guarantee


      But first, let me tell you what Vital C is...


      Vital C is a product that whitens skin, helps in burning fat, gives you more energy (especially if you're stressed), a natural anti-hypertensive, anti-diabetes, and anti-arthritis, which I will explain in a few minutes. Let me first give you a little background...


      A Peek At Celebrity Secrets...


      As you may already know, Hollywood actors and actresses, even popular UK figures like Queen Elizabeth II, Prince Charles of Wales, Catherine-Zeta Jones, Madonna, Paul McCartney, Demi Moore, Richard Gere, Arnold Schwarzenegger & more are now into Complementary & Alternative Medicine (CAM).


      This combines Traditional & alternative Medicine, since both have weaknesses. Ex: Bypass Operations - This only fixes a blood vessel clogging problem. And...(next page)
      clogging appears again in a few months or years since the Cause hasn't been addressed. Alternative medicine has a number of yet unproven methods.


      CAM (called Integrative Medicine here in the Philippines) takes traditional procedures but uses alternative approaches, and uses only those with evidence that works. This eliminates both weaknesses.


      Integrative Medicine has a different use for Vitamins. In our case, Vital C is an alkaline vitamin c, which has been called the "closest thing to the fountain of youth".


      Most traditional doctors will say, its just vitamin c, but, as our clients try the products, even doctors who test these methods are amazed.


      Quote from Dr. Primitivo Chua (former Phil Medical Association president)
      "I became immediately committed to it (Vital C) after realizing its therapeutic potentials and after trying it on two patients myself...


      (Patient 1) is a middle aged girl who has long been under treatment for a bad case of chronic lupus and has been under steroid therapy for a long time. And lately she developed a big mass on her left breast... the doctors would like to do a biopsy and surgical removal of the mass and radical vasectomy has been an option if they find it to be malignant. I told her 'Why don't you try this product Vital C... and you take 3 capsules 3 times a day.' And so 3 weeks later, when she returned to the hospital, her doctor could not find any mass anymore...

      My drivers' 63 year old mother is due for a surgical removal also of breast mass and it was diagnosed as cancer. She took 4 capsules 3 times a day. After 3 months the mass became very small. Surgery was postponed.


      Both these women were ecstatic and were relieved."


      Our other clients include: PAGCOR, PMRC, and other companies.


      So why is Vital C different from most Vitamin C's and how does it whiten skin, burn fat, etc?


      Most Vitamin C's are acidic. Vital C is alkaline. You can take it before you eat meals. This means you absorb it a lot better than most vitamin c's. The reason is vitamin c is water soluble, and fat and oil (which is in most food) interferes with its absorption. This means you can't absorb ordinary vitamin c very well.


      Second, it's in PURE vegetable capsules, which means the quality of the product is preserved. Other alkaline vitamin c's use gelatin. Gelatin reacts with vitamin c, destroying the product over time.


      How Does It Do Its Effects?


      Vital C whitens skin because:
      1. It's a strong anti-oxidant, and unlike other products that say "this is 10times more powerful than vitamin c", vitamin c is water soluble, which means its antioxidant property protects 70% of our bodies (water). Other antioxidants are fat-soluble.
      2. It maintains high levels of Glutathione in our bodies.


      Vital C helps in burning fat because:
      1. It raises L-Carnitine responsible for fat transport.
      2. It regulates your thyroid hormones. A balanced production of thyroid hormones means you don't get too thin nor too fat.


      Vital C helps maintain youthful skin because it speeds up the production of collagen, which is necessary for healthy skin, bones, blood vessels & cartillages.


      Vital C reduces "high blood" because:
      1. It prevents the oxidation of LDL (Bad Cholesterol) which clogs arteries when oxidized.
      2. It binds with oxidized cholesterol to form Bile.
      3. It makes blood vessels (ugat) healthier through collagen formation.
      4. It dilates blood vessels by releasing NO.


      Vital C also helps people with low blood count since it increases Iron absorption.


      Vital C helps in maintaining proper insulin levels, helping people with Diabetes.


      Vital C is a powerful anti-viral agent since it prevents viral replication. And it makes healthier joints (through collagen) helping patients with arthritis.


      So once you take Vital C, in the first few days, if your body is very unhealthy, toxins will go out. This is called "healing crisis" where you may feel uncomfortable: you may flush out toxins through bowel movement, frequent urination, perspiration.


      After a few days your body will adjust.


      So Here's What You Will Get:
      Each box of Vital C contains 100 capsules of alkaline vitamin c in PURE vegetable capsules.


      When you order, you will also receive the following bonus reports (in electronic format)
      1. How To Get Glutathione from eggs without being in danger of cholesterol that clogs arteries ($14.95 value)
      2. Simple Ways To Make Your Kids (Under 24yrs) Taller ($14.95 value)
      3. How To Eat Two Times More While Actually Losing Weight ($14.95 value)


      That's a P5,000 value, all for just P650!


      And you'll get this deal with...


      Our Iron-Clad Money Back Guarantee


      Order your boxes of Vital C now, and use it as if you owned it. If, for any reason or for no reason at all, you aren't completely satisfied after 3 entire months - just send back the remaining unused capsules, in any condition, and I'll personally guarantee you get a complete refund of your purchase price. No questions asked. No hassles or forms to fill out. No problems at all. Plus, you get to keep all the bonuses even if you opted to refund.


      Sincerely,




      Eliza E. Sison


      P.S. If you are a Medical Doctor or health care practitioner and if you have questions, contact me through the number given below.


      P.P.S. Hurry now. This sale will last until June 20, 2009. Or until our over stocks run out. That's because we will continue to ship our product to Japan. And there's no risk, no reason at all not to try this amazing product for yourself... And yet this hot deal might not be offered again. So don't let this chance to change your health slip you by. The number to contact is ____
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  • Profile picture of the author creativeblogger
    Originally Posted by incblitz View Post

    Hi.

    I'm not sure if this is an appropriate question, but:


    I've been selling a buffered form of vitamin c in our country, with modest success.

    I want to improve my sales by adding direct mail and email marketing in my campaign.

    Problem is, my copy sucks.
    I was sold on your product based on your opening post.

    But your sales page (if that's all I saw wouldn't have sold me - it's too much like every other ad and as such makes me suspicious, it's too hyped up)

    Seriously

    Pop the content of your first post in an ezine article with a headline and some seo content that will ensure it's picked up by searchengines and a link in the bio and you're there.

    I buy health food supplements, so I only need something like this to convince me. It sounds genuine.

    One of the uses for your product - wrinkle prevention, can form the basis of article titles as can the other remedies.

    ie

    'Natural wrinkle cure - High dose Vit C'

    'Natural wrinkle prevention- High dose Vit C'

    These are Googled terms, I know because one of my natural wrinkle remedy articles is high on google and I don't sell anything, it's just advice for the sake of it.

    Getting your product to top of google search with appropriate SEO content wouldn't be hard. You just need a decent page to close the deal.

    I'll get slammed for this advice, but I'm used to this.

    Fact is, things like this (with appropriate testimonials and medical safety assurances) will sell but not if they seem too good to be true. I like the personal stories in your OP.

    Good luck, and don't forget to email the link to your product

    leah@painfreemarketing.co.uk

    If you want help with SEO articles, you won't find better

    Pain Free Marketing - Writing Services

    ps, re your sales page, lose the hype and stick to sounding genuine.
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