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Critique of Sales Letter

by ARSuarez
8 replies
Hey Warriors,

I am helping a friend with his marketing promotions and am working on a sales letter. I've attached it here. Any constructive critiques are really appreciated. Some of the info is omitted, but the general target is those between 19-25 with jobs, particularly (according to him) college students.

Thanks much.

Respectfully,

Angel

P.S. I realize the Opening Date is missing. It has not been entirely decided, so I did not insert the information yet. This is not the final draft. Just looking for expert critiques by other copywriters.
#critique #letter #sales
  • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
    Any and all critique welcome, folks!
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    Just a tip... you'd probably get a lot better response if you put this on a web page and gave people a URL to look at (put it in your sig if need be). Generally the more work people go through (like downloading a file) the less response you'll get.

    I was waiting to blast your letter, because I thought it would suck... and it was actually not bad. Not great, but not bad.

    However, I don't think it's the right type of marketing piece for this establishment. I would think such an emotional, impulse purchase like this may work better with a brochure, with color pics, showing all the cool stuff you guys have.

    Also, I wonder about the marketing angle you guys have. Pay for entry? Why not free entry, pay for food/drinks and then pay for the facilities? Or free entry, pay for the food, THEN buy the pass for the facilities?

    Having said all that I think you have a really good talent for copywriting... and that you could kick ass in the profession if you so chose.

    I think you've done a good job on the piece. There are minor improvements that could be made, but hey, you have a great tone and hit the pain of your target market on the head... the little changes are just that, little changes. I would maybe use more white space, but I'm a web copywriter, for white space is my answer to everything... when you have paper concerns it's a little different.

    I think while the writing is good, you're using the wrong type of promotion for this place... and regardless of how good your writing is, it won't work very well. My gut feeling is you need a color brochure with great "lifestyle shots" of the place, showing the key benefits... and screw the rest of it.

    But I could be wrong. Hopefully guys with more DM experience (Like John_S) will chime in here and tell me if they think I'm way off.

    -Dan
    Signature

    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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  • Profile picture of the author Kyle Tully
    The main problem is the shotgun approach.

    Your headline calls out to no one.

    And the following bullets are all over the place in terms of target.

    Figure out who your target audience is, and what they want, then write only to that.
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    • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
      Dan,

      Thanks for the compliments. It's only very recently, after a lot of practice, my copy has started to improve. And a lot of reading.

      That would probably be a better approach. Since we're targeting a generally younger audience, it's important to grab their attention.

      Thanks for the advice on entry fees. I've been trying to convince him to go more in that direction. I have a feeling the initial fee just to enter might scare away a good portion.

      Kyle,

      Thanks. I was actually looking over more of the copy today and noted a few places to tighten it up.

      Thanks folks!

      All the best,

      Angel
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      • Profile picture of the author rcm3rd
        I agree with Kyle,

        who is your target audience?

        and what are they desperate for.

        I'm not sure anyone is searching for ways
        not to be bored.

        What are they "Hungry" for?
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  • Profile picture of the author danmorton
    Angel -

    I agree with one of the comments above - who are you writing this for?

    From just a brief read-through, I'm still not sure what "Key@Casuals Lounge" is. Sounds like a bar?

    Anyway, here are some thing I would do if it were mine;

    1. Condense into one or two pages. One or two short paragraphs at most.

    2. Make most main points bulleted and one sentence.

    3. Really clarify what it is in first or second sentence.

    Sounds like a great idea, just needs some polish.

    Dan
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    • Profile picture of the author JP Wilson
      I hate to jump on the bandwagon, but I must agree that the headline needs work. There are actually areas in the forum (Here, for instance) where you can get your headline critiqued for free. You may want to take advantage of that.

      One other thing that jumped out at me (literally) was your benefits list. Everything was bold! The whole point of using that feature is to allow your message/text to stand out. But when everything is bold, it all just looks like one big, overwhelming snippet of text. The only reason I even read it was because I was critiquing your page, but my initial reaction was to skip it altogether and simply scroll down to the next part of the letter...

      My suggestion would be to reword and truncate the benefits list so that it's not as lengthy and also use the 'bold' format quite a bit more sparingly in order to maximize its effectiveness.

      Best of luck my friend.
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      • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
        Thanks for all the responses everyone. I am still in the process of editing.

        Like Daniel recommended earlier, I added more whit space. Currently fixing the formatting and breaking up the "chunky" paragraphs.

        And JP, I went ahead and returned the benefits list to normal.
        It really did look kinda ridiculous and devalued a lot of other important elements.

        I've changed the headline to:

        "Finally! A Place For YOU To Hang Out
        And Not Be Bothered
        By Some Annoying No-Life
        Trying To Rain On Your Parade."

        Thanks Warriors - you've all been great help.

        All the best,

        Angel
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