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Reworked headline critque

by Vanquish
5 replies
Hey guys, ive been soaking up alot of valuable knowledge here in the copywriting forum, I thank everyone who has replied to my previous thread because you guys have given me some great pointers.

For those that don't know my headline is for the dating niche. It is a product that helps guys get more women in their life. Below is the headline feel free to critique it hard!

Can it really be so simple to approach any women and know exactly how to create uncontrollable attraction in her so much that she wants to have amazing sex with you despite your age, looks and income?
The answer is "Yes" and if you want to learn how to approach any women, gets her to give you her phone number and go on a date with you in record time while experience ultimate freedom of choice in your dating life then this might be the most important letter you ever read.

Thanks for your input,

-Karl
#critque #headline #reworked
  • Profile picture of the author ghyphena
    In my (very, very) humble opinion, it seems a little long and wordy...

    Maybe something shorter and less cluttered, along the lines of

    "How to Easily Approach Any Woman and Create Uncontrollable Attraction"
    "The simple method that gets any woman to gladly hand over her number and go on a date with you... even if you're a broke 255lb social reject"

    would be a bit easier to read?

    Gil-Ad
    Signature

    Gil-Ad Schwartz

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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Both the header and sub are wayyyyy too long, unbelievable, and contain grammatical errors.
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  • Profile picture of the author Chris Ramsey
    Hey Karl,

    As two have already said: It's way too long.

    Long headlines CAN work... but I don't like 'em. Short and punchy is what I work with.

    If you post in my other thread: http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...rewriting.html I'll gladly give you a few headline rewrites.

    As for writing your own, there are a few goals that your headline needs to reach.
    • Inform quickly
    • Catch attention
    • Get the reader to read the next line

    Grabbing attention is the most important here, but when you successfully mix all three, you'll have a winner on your hands.
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  • Profile picture of the author RentItNow
    Score 50 women's phone #'s despite your age, looks and income?
    Signature
    I have no agenda but to help those in the same situation. This I feel will pay the bills.
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  • Profile picture of the author Bill Jeffels
    Originally Posted by Vanquish View Post

    Hey guys, ive been soaking up alot of valuable knowledge here in the copywriting forum, I thank everyone who has replied to my previous thread because you guys have given me some great pointers.

    For those that don't know my headline is for the dating niche. It is a product that helps guys get more women in their life. Below is the headline feel free to critique it hard!

    Can it really be so simple to approach any women and know exactly how to create uncontrollable attraction in her so much that she wants to have amazing sex with you despite your age, looks and income?
    The answer is "Yes" and if you want to learn how to approach any women, gets her to give you her phone number and go on a date with you in record time while experience ultimate freedom of choice in your dating life then this might be the most important letter you ever read.


    Thanks for your input,


    -Karl
    Hey Vanquish

    I see the direction you are trying to go with this. Yes, your headline and subhead is way to long. As Sheda said grab your readers attention. Also, create some curiosity.

    You want to force your customer to the first paragraph, then to the 2nd and so on, and so on. Like Joe Sugarman calls it "The Greased Slide To The Sale".

    Here is a example for you.



    "How To Attract And Seduce
    Woman In 7 Minutes With
    This Amazing New
    Secret Technique"

    Dear Friend

    If you would like to discover the closely guarded secrets of getting woman to gladly hand over their phone number...and seducing them to be atrracted to you, no matter what you look like...then this is going to be the most important information you ever read.

    Here is why. Etc...etc..

    Something like that Vanquish, then go into this amazing secret technique, how it was discovered and how it instantly changes men's lives. Testimonials, proof, add desire and then a strong call to action.

    Hope that can help you

    Bill Jeffels
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