Wanna critique my sales page?

You mean...

There's actually a market for this?

I think you're right to play on people's worries that they might do something wrong.

I mean, none of my friends had tortoises (torti?) growing up.

The headline should be more specific, though. Give me a reason that I have to keep reading. Scare me that I might already be doing it wrong.

"3 Deadly Mistakes First-Time (and Lifetime) Tortoise Owners Make"

That's not great, but you get the idea.

You also need a lot more info about the product. What are they getting out of it?

And who are you? Why should they buy from you? Make yourself the tortoise guru.

That's fun to say. "Tortoise Guru."

Lastly: seriously... there's a market for this?

I want to feel that if I don't get this book right now... I could accidentally and unknowingly kill my beloved tortoise. And that would weigh heavy on my heart for a lifetime.

MAKE ME FEEL THAT FUTURE PAIN!

--- Ross

I wouldn't buy a thing from that site. And I worked at a pet store for 6 years during college.

The header is a disaster. The book design is awful. The way its placed in the header is awful (the resolution and edges are messed up). The name of the book isn't really compelling.

The copy is hard to read, change the font.

The gaps and alignment look sloppy.

You don't actually sell the book at all.

TBO, I've promoted a lot of Clickbank products and if I ever found your product on CB I'd click out of the page immediately. Before I could even scroll down.

There are so many myths and facts about tortoises that you could have listed to position yourself as an expert.

There are also tons of rebuttals that you're not addressing.

I use to sell tortoises and turtles before they were banned for sale in our state. And the fact is, they are extremely easy to take care of. I use to tell people "tortoises are easier to take care of than goldfish". And they are. Because people would bring back dead gold fish every week for refunds but they're rarely bring back dead tortoise for a refund.

With that said, there are many pain points you can still hit on.

One thing that tortoises love, that very few people give them, is SPACE.

This was one pain point I always used when selling them. And I didn't just do it to sell larger tanks but the fact is 90% of people put these things in tiny 10 gallon tanks. They don't realize that a tortoise can grow to the size of a dog.

And I'd explain to people when selling them, "if you put them in a tiny 10 gallon tank, they'll be happy for 2-3 months, but after that they'll become stressed out, they'll fight, crap more and more as they grow, they'll bathe in and eat their own poop, etc etc". They poop in their drinking water by habit, so you should use this to scare people. Tortoises although they are very hardy, they thrive in larger environments... not tiny little fishtanks.

And what I'd use in your header is a picture of a HUGE tortoise room. I'm sure you can find tons of free photos on Google.

In that picture you should have multiple tortoises. Like one tortoise in the water, one basking under a heat lamp, and I'd make it look like they live in a tortoise mansion. Make sure the pictures isn't a tank but an open room. The picture you have right now looks like a wild tortoise and doesn't really relate to your target market.

Then I'd write a headline like, "The 8 Most Common Reasons Why Tortoises Die Young".

#1 - They live in a poorly ventilated, 10 gallon FISH tank.

#2 - Their drinking water becomes their toilet.

#3 - The species of your tortoise has been misidentified and you're feeding it the wrong food (different species require different food).

etc etc etc.

Right now, your page offers nothing in terms of value or positioning. If you're going to be the tortoise whisperer... be one, don't act like one.

-RS

Yep, that was my understanding too; long copy is generally better.
The short copy thing is an experiment. More like an email-grabinator, as you say, but I am willing to try anything out.

Hang on while I FTP the original...*elevator music plays*... *please hold*....
HERE: Practical Tortoise Care | Get your copy now

Are any of you in sales??

1. Your header throws me off. The background image you're using is blurry. The graphics also look blurry. This doesn't instill much confidence in the product. I can also see artifacts in the book cover around the cartoon turtle's head.

Why not commission some new graphics?

2. "The moment I act, the complete Practical Tortoise Care system becomes available for my to download as a PDF file – and use forever."

Spot the typo.

3. "I only pay a low investment"

This phrasing is awkward. You can't "pay" an investment. You can only "make" an investment.

4. "I further understand that on top of these incredible benefits"

What benefits? You've hardly described the product.

Honest review:

If I'm a tortose lover, there's no way I'm buying from you. You have no social proof on your page. You have no testimonials, and you don't even tell me how your book solves my problem. What are your credentials?

The huge spaces between paragraphs are distracting.

The overall copy seems manipulative. I know that's the point, but surely it pays to be a bit subtle?

I don't write copy, so this is an outsider's perspective. Make of it what you will.

The graphic design of the page makes me think its a low quality product.

I find it hard to read, I see no compelling reason to respond. There are no benefits, no features, no reasons to buy at all.

I really hope that this is in your guide.

this is why i love this forum people tell it like it is and that helps us improve

Indeed, this forum gives good, actionable advice.

I changed the font to a sans serif one. It does look more legible.
I got a new header made on elance.
I fixed the typos that were pointed out.

It does seem to be converting a bit better now, about 1.2%, but I will need more data to be sure.

I have used Cialdini's six weapons quite a lot, tried to use attention-grabbing words, but it's still converting below 1%.

The background gives me a headache alongside the small font.