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Critique my offline sales letter please.

by Micheal Perkins
8 replies
I just wrote a sales letter for a website that I made. The sales letter is to sell advertising space on my website to managers of apartment complexes.

My sales letter is below. What do you think? I'm trying to keep it pretty short and sweet.

Thanks,
Mike
******************************************

What would 1 new rental contract each
month mean to your business profits?
What about 2 contracts, or even 5?

Hello, I know your time is valuable, so I'll get straight to the point.

My name is Micheal Perkins and I own a website (SiteName.com) that provides listings for apartments in CityName. My website is designed to attract people looking for apartments in CityName.

My website is on the first page of Google!

Since getting my website to the first page of Google, I am now accepting advertisers for the website.

Why advertise on my website?

  • People searching for apartments on the Internet are actively seeking information!
  • You get an immediate return on your investment! (No waiting months like with print advertising)
  • 100% money-back Guarantee! Cancel anytime and get a refund of all unused fees.

Fast Action Discount!

For the first 10 apartment complexes to register an account, I am offering a 50% lifetime discount off the already low monthly price.

The normal price of $500 per month is already a great bargain. But for the first 10 accounts registered the price will only be $250 per month, for as long as you choose to keep your account.

This letter is being mailed to over 30 different apartment managers. So call today to get your discounted listing before they are all gone. This is one time offer and once all 10 spots are gone, this discount will not be offered again.

Call me now at (number), or send an email with your information to advertising@SiteName.com.

Yours in business,
Micheal Perkins
Owner - SiteName.com
#critique #letter #offline #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Raydal
    You are on the first page of Google, so what?

    You have to translate that into dollars and cents
    especially for an offline market. What advertising
    are they using right now? You have to make a
    comparison so they know they are getting a
    "deal" from you.

    No testimonials?

    -Ray Edwards
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    The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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    • Profile picture of the author Micheal Perkins
      Thanks Ray. I'll get something in there about how being on page 1 results in more views, which translates into more money in the way of rental contracts.

      No testimonials yet. This is the first time I've done anything for an offline market.

      Mike
      Signature

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  • Profile picture of the author joshril
    WIFM - What's in it for me.... That's all your prospects care about. Explain how your product is something that's an asset and saves them money... not an expense.
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  • Profile picture of the author briancassingena
    Your headline seems ok, worth a test, however your opening paragraph needs work.

    You may have heard of the good ol' "If you're _________ then this is going to be the most important letter you ever read" opening paragraph, and you may have decided it's overused. Well, it may be overused, but it definitely still works. Try

    You're going to have one of three reactions to what I'm about to reveal to you:

    1. YES! I can't wait to take advantage of this!
    2. I'm not sure, please tell me more, or
    3. No. I'm not interested.

    Either way, you owe it to yourself to find out........................
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    Copywriting For Non-Copywriters: FREE 30-Day Journey
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  • Profile picture of the author procopywriter
    Try an approach similar to this in the headline...

    "Imagine Showing Your Open Apartment To 435 Cityname Residents LOOKING For An Apartment Just Like Yours... Each And Every Day"

    I'm sure this can be tweaked. But notice the specificity--this will bring home the real benefit of what you're offering.

    Then start in with a lead something like this, "If you're looking for an easy, passive way to show your apartment listing to LOTS of prospects so you can secure a rental agreement fast... then you'll want to read this letter very carefully... because... etc."

    (I feel this can be trimmed down, but it gives you an idea.)

    Notice this leads with benefits. Don't introduce yourself until you've clearly communicated the benefit of what you're offering and why they should care enough to read more.

    Good luck.

    Aaron
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    Joshua Aaron Stanley, The 'Spiritual' Copywriter:
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  • Profile picture of the author PaulMartinezCopywriting
    Great advice here, and I'd also add the following:

    Spend some time talking with some of these managers. What are their three biggest problems? What frustrates the hell out of them? What to they like/dislike about getting apartments rented? About their job in general?

    I was in real estate for almost 9 years, in development and sales. Managers have the worst, most thankless job in real estate. They get hassled by tenants, vendors, contractors, and their employers constantly. Fast, reliable results are important to them.

    I'd also look at your competition--especially free posting sites. Why would I , as a manager, pay you...when I can simply have my secretary post on Craigslist for FREE? There are even services out there that let you make flyers for apartments/homes and then post them on CL, Backpage.com, Oodle, and about 20 other free RE sites. You've got to provide them with a lot of very, very powerful benefits to counter that likely objection.

    Hope this helps...


    Paul
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