[Bob Ross 9x12] Please critique my copy!

Hey <James>, my name is John and I am Greensville’s Group Manager for Massive Deals.

I am contacting you because your <restaurant, Lakeview Grill.> has been invited to join our exclusive ‘Greensville’ group for our upcoming Massive Deals launch. <Because of your superb ratings on Yelp>, we have hand selected your business as a potential member of our group.

Simply put, Massive Deals is a new, affordable, and highly effective way of reaching out to your local customers by getting your business’ offers and promotions into the mailboxes of 10,000 homes each month on an oversized postcard.

As a former small business owner myself, I know how hard it is to get noticed in your local market. You have all these great <entrees and desserts>, but it’s hard gaining new customers because <there are so many restaurants here in Greensville>. Gaining new customers can get time-consuming and very expensive.

Massive Deals mailing pieces are printed on an oversized, vibrant postcard designed to GRAB-ATTENTION and bring results. Your business won’t be stuffed away in an envelope along with 40 other competitors, nor will it be hidden on page 13 of a booklet. Your business will be proudly featured on a MASSIVE postcard, receiving the recognition that it deserves.

Think about it, <James>. 10,000 is a huge number -- even with a 0.5% response rate, you are acquiring 50 new <customers>. And what’s to keep them from returning? <Looking at your Yelp reviews, customers love you!>

Estimate how much your revenue could increase using our revenue estimator tool! (Link)

What’s the cost? When I say affordable, I mean very affordable. Only pennies per home.

Although membership is normally priced at 4￠per home, I’m willing to lower it to 3￠per home for you, WHY? - give a good reason e.g. "so you can "try" out the Postcard and see the fabulous response at a lower cost" as long as you respond within 48 hours. At 3￠/ home, that’s only $300 to reach 10,000 potential new <customers>. You won’t find cheaper advertising anywhere else -- seriously, I dare you to look for a more affordable way of effectively reaching your market, and let me know you find.

Hopefully by now, you are considering accepting our invitation. Here’s a brief explanation of how it all works:

You join a small group (6-10) of non-competing business owners targeting the Greensville area
You work with our creative and marketing department to design an appealing and effective ad
Each month, your business’ promotions is printed on a massive, impossible-to-miss postcard and sent to 10,000 homes right here in Irvine! (don’t worry, we handle all the printing and mailing)
There are only 5 spots remaining for Greensville’s Massive Deals launch. We are currently looking for <a reputable restaurant> to join our group.

If you want to reserve a spot for <Lakeview Grill>, you must respond within 48 hours. WHY? e.g. "Because of the constantly great results, space is very popular and very limited" Simply reply to this email with “I’m interested” or give me a call at 714-699-4203.

If you are not interested in reserving a spot, simply reply “I’m not interested” and we will contact a different <restaurant> in the Greensville area. Please note, once a <restaurant> joins the group, no other <restaurants> will be able to join until the slot opens up (group members are all non-competing).

Hope to hear soon from you!

More Info & Testimonials: MyWebsite.com | Your Invite Code: 2FLVA3

John Yoon | 714-xxx-xxxx
Greensville Group Manager
MASSIVE DEALS | Get Noticed, Get Results.



As an avid phenomenal Postcard enthusiast - I like the copy.

I've put a few of your words in bold because I think you could "power" them up a bit.

"Oversized" is a bit lacklustre.

Giant, Massive, Huge, Unmissable, Grabs attention, People can't help but read it, Gets kept, Nobody wants to throughout it away! etc etc are better.

Advertisers don't want to "Get Noticed" - they want stacks of new customers (again and again) increased revenue and bigger profits - at the lowest possible cost.

And whatever the cost is - they want it to be a "sure fire" investment. Producing a fantastic return on their money.

A reputable restaurant - could be a "Superb", "Sumptuous" "Classy", "Gourmet", "Best Ever"

"Perfect for the all the family" "Top quality, fresh, delicious food, cooked to perfection with great friendly service all at an affordable price" etc. etc.

And where I have put "Why?" you should give a good reason why.


Steve

I think that's good copy, LPX. Looking forward to your report on the results.

My one criticism is it starts out a little weak. The email subject lines seem a bit weak. I'd imagine that business owners get "grow your business" offers all the time, and the subject lines you listed don't cut through the clutter. Recipients might not be moved to open the emails, which wastes the power of your offer and copy inside.

Then there's the opener "Hey <James>, my name is John and I am Greensville’s Group Manager for Massive Deals.

I am contacting you because your <restaurant, Lakeview Grill.> has been invited to join our exclusive ‘Greensville’ group for our upcoming Massive Deals launch."

Sounds generic. I'd see that generic start and the name "Massive Deals" and probably put off reading the rest, thinking it's just more of the "over the top" promos I get every day.

You might get around that by playing up the exclusivity of being the ONLY, single restaurant in town selected for this deal (and the fact that if he doesn't act, you'll take your offer to another restaurant), right there in sentence one. Essentially you need more of an attention-getter, something less generic for the opening sentence, imho.

Maybe somehow work in the Yelp mention into the very first sentence, telling them why they're the only restaurant you're approaching, and how their great reputation on yelp is about to earn them even more success & pay off in a way they hadn't anticipated...

Also, if you're going to introduce yourself by name, you might also put a pic of yourself near the opener. That'll keep the recipient reading, if only to find out "who's this guy?"...

But all in all, it think it's pretty good! I hope you'll do well, to validate my eye for good copy.

(..Although you never know what to expect from email marketing. Have you considered sending one of your oversized cards to boot? Then they'll know for sure the quality and attention-getting power of the thing. You might even want to offer a sample card in your email, which could get you a few leads...)