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help with lead please.

by Jonwebb
5 replies
hello all,

I am working on a fitness program letter.

I was wondering if, you all wouldn't mind taking a look at the sales letter lead. I am not very far into the letter as I am not 100% sold on this lead in.

My Name is Jonathan Webb, the First thing you should know about me is.... I am not a doctor. I am not an expert on nutrition ether, I never went to college and I don't have a degree in anything.( although I am a certified personal trainer) in fact the reason you're reading this isn't because I am the greatest fitness goo-roo since Billy Blanks and Tae Bo hit the scene, its because I have found the secret to developing the body you always wanted. No matter what your FItness Goal is.

But before I tell you what that secret is I want tell you the story about how I discovered this amazing secret....
anything would be helpful.

thank you,

Jon.
#lead
  • Profile picture of the author jjosephs
    * Don't start with your name. Only your mother cares. Start with direct benefits. Call out your audience. Stoke an insecurity. Offer a bold hope. Whatever it is, should have nothing to do with you. You are nobody in the prospect's mind.

    * Bragging about how unqualified you are? Is this supposed to be tongue in cheek?

    * Calling yourself the greatest guru... Once again, tongue in cheek??

    Your positioning in a nutshell: "I'm the most average dude in the world... But I found this secret... dude... It was like under this rock... But I'll tell you about it later..." SLAM.

    In a saturated niche like fitness, you need to relate to your prospect and convey your authority FAST.

    As it stands you've done neither. Nothing to sink my teeth into whatsoever but some vague secret. And it's not enough to have a secret. You have to give me a reason to care about it.
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    • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
      Originally Posted by jjosephs View Post

      Is this supposed to be tongue in cheek?
      He's doing a poor job of ripping off a Halbert lead:

      Originally Posted by Gary Halbert

      Dear Friend,

      My name is Betty Adams and, the first thing you should know about me is... I am not a doctor.

      I'm not an expert on nutrition either. I never went to college and I don't have a degree in anything. In fact, the only thing I consider myself an "expert" about is...

      I Think I Know How Almost Any Woman In America Can Lose Up To 63 Pounds In A Very Easy Way!

      I know... because... I did it.
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      Andrew Gould

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      • Profile picture of the author jjosephs
        Originally Posted by Andrew Gould View Post

        He's doing a poor job of ripping off a Halbert lead:
        Ah... So he gutted it and removed the self effacement and personal testimonial, which made it work in the first place.

        A cautionary lesson to prospective copywriters- Verbatim imitation doesn't work. Better off learning the mechanics of effective copy, maybe lifting a word or 2 for spice.

        What a strange little Frankenstein our friend created...
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  • Profile picture of the author Jonwebb
    thanks for the help, can always count on the internet tough guys to turn everything into who can be the being jerk contest.

    thanks for the time and criticism fellas I know what needs to be done now.

    - Jon
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  • Profile picture of the author Jonwebb
    maybe lifting a word or 2 for spice.
    really? Really??
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