[Critique] Direct mail lead-generation letter

You have a solid lead generation letter.

A few points:

1. Test the headline...one strong headline is FREE Special Report Shows You How To Get A Constant Stream of Headlines From Your Website. I think that's better than your question headline.

2. You need the prospect's name and address at the top left of the letter plus a salutation, such as Dear Bill,. This personalizes the letter..definitely necessarily when you are approaching executives.

3. Indent each paragraph...it makes it easier to read for your prospect.

4. Consider an information reply form with your letter to make it easier for your prospect to request your free special report.

5. I wouldn't worry at all if your letter goes from one to two pages.

6. Put page numbers in brackets after each bullet point (see page 12)...it adds credibility to your benefits

7. In your P.S., again add the page numbers or chapter number to add more credibility to your teaser copy.

8. You need to use a colon to introduce your bullet points...much easier transition in your copy.

I highly recommend that you send a series of lead generation letters to your prospects...you can't expect that much with one letter.

You should check out Jeffrey Dobkin's book, How To Market A Product for Under $500, and Jeffrey Lant's book, Money Making Marketing, about sending a number of letters to your selected list of prospects.

I wish you well with your lead generation letters. You have a good start.

Best regards,

Thomas O'Malley

Ben, I would avoid premature celebrations with this letter.

I spent 25 years in the software consulting / systems integration services industry.

Your letter is not enough to move the needle. It's too generic. Vague. It's not irresistible. Nothing pops or stands out.

More importantly, it does not demonstrate knowledge of software or the specific issues software developers or software consultants face.

With a letter like this, you're telegraphing you're not very good. So when you call behind it, they may remember your letter, but don't be too surprised if they don't take your call.

Make it memorable.

- Rick Duris

PS: Lumpy mail?

The letter is TOTALY generic.

2/3 of the letter is just often-regurgitated-fluff.

There's nothing in there about how you can specifically help the companies you're reaching out to. Nothing. Everything you're saying can apply to anyone.

You aren't speaking any of the... language. You aren't talking about the specific challenges and obstacles that software companies experience.

And your bullets?

They're a turn off. They're just weak. If that's what's "in the box," it'll disappoint.

Your PS about changing positioning lacks any impact... because you aren't demonstrating positioning. The letter just doesn't have any of it.

Mark

P.S. You've gotta get specific about who your avatar is. Right now, even newbies will see through this.

Ben you're not making the connection from what you've got to
the prospects inner motivation to change.

That inner drive comes from their tipping point,
or close to the tipping point of action.

You can't let the reader work to make the connection.

I don't know what your markets tipping point is, but I'll give you an example to demonstrate.

Software developer creates software for non technical people.
He's frustrated by the lack of response or feedback.

We know the solution, however he needs a interpreter, because it's
like another language to the potential buyers.

Actually the software developer has to connect to his buyers tipping point.

Everybody has their own.

We as marketers and copywriters have to show people
the bridge between their self motivation to change
and how the offer fits into their world.

Best,
Ewen ..

Hi Ben,

Don't get discouraged. Review what others have said and adjust accordingly...but with a grain of salt.

I say this because you could secretly post a Gary Halbert ad or letter that brought in $10 million in one year and almost everyone would say it's a piece of crap and won't work.

Best regards,

Thomas O'Malley

Hi Ben,

You can also try a success letter as a lead generation letter to your prospects. You tell one of your success stories with a client in this letter...very powerful.

You can find a good example of a success letter in chapter 5 of Jeffrey Lant's book, Money Making Marketing (the chapter on direct mail). He also provides some helpful comments on how to write a success letter.

Another example of a good lead generation or prospecting letter with reference to your clients is in Bob Bly's book, Encyclopedia of Business Letters.

Best regards,

Thomas O'Malley

the only thing that bothered me, was that it seemed forced or rushed - kinda like when people call you then say " sorry to bother you but.. "

you have something to offer, let them know that.

- good luck

If I were you, I would have added something more dynamic like the following in the middle of the sales copy. Believe my copywriting experience, it works.

"-----Wow, the Facebook ad of our services is a smashing success! It reads “Put here your alleged Facebook Ad". We have seen an enormous amount of software people give their lives some good financial mojo with our exceptionally professional and easiest-on-the-pocket services. Here are a few quotes:

Testimonial 1:
Testimonial 2:

We couldn’t be happier ourselves
----"

I hope this helps

Someone should try that one day. Post a wildly successful piece and see what the board makes of it.

I'd bet the group here would be able to discern quality from crap.

There is in fact science behind this art.

With regard to the letter: A Gary Halbert masterpiece it ain't.

"Can I send you a free copy of my latest report on getting a constant stream of clients from your website? "

Huh? "Report" on getting a constant stream of clients from your website? "Latest?" You could say what you're trying to say in that headline with fewer, more effective words.

As it stands, it sounds a bit like you've repurposed someone's pitch for SEO services ...

"The good news is there are simple ways to get a constant stream of leads – and by extension, clients – from your website. Seven to be exact. "

Obviously there are more than seven ways to get more leads from a website, so unless you're going to tell them your seven, get rid of the line "Seven to be exact." Other than the fact that it's in your report's title, the number is irrelevant without some follow-up reference in the letter.

..And why not just help them get more clients using their website? Why be timid, promising them just leads that turn into clients? Ultimately you're going to help them use their website to get more clients.

Anyway, Mark just about nailed it in his review. "Generic" describes this letter. It's also shallow (needs more meat) and in some places, it's even confusing.

Admired the way you handled the criticism. I literally cannot read the majority of American copy I see here. To me it seems aimed at people with the mental age of 5. Most of the copy on here anyway. Just the gross use of impossible metaphors like ''Prospects will be LITERALLY PLEADING with you to HAND YOU THEIR MONEY with this one sneaky trick the BIG BOYS DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT, blah, blah, blah'' make me gag. You have to abandon all rationality and reality to give countenance to them.

But being an Brit myself, and seeing how pallid and overly-polite the copy is from my early attempts at copy as well as the efforts put forward by other Brits, it's much better to be bold and exciting in copy like the Americans, then safe, dull and cerebral like us Brits.

Hi Ben

I’m a little late to this party, but here’s my take.

In lead generation, the offer will drive response more than anything.

You’ve got the right idea by putting the offer (the free report) in the headline, but I would be more specific and more targeted to your audience.

The title of the report (7 Extremely Effective Ways to Get More Leads from Your Website) is very generic and buried in the 5th paragraph.

I would work on the title (and include the word “software companies” in the title), create an image of the report cover and put it at the top with a call to action. They may not read the letter, you will be sure they see your offer.

Many of the suggestions below are worthwhile too, but I think working on our offer provides the greatest leverage for response.

Good luck.