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What do you guys think of this ClickBank salespage

by Zodiax
12 replies
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Does this read bland to you guys?

Does this seem good?

Bad?

What things are wrong with it?

Personally, I think the headline doesn't speak to the underlying emotion enough, unless single moms were being targeted.

Edit:This is not my copy. I just wanted to learn from the mistakes of this copy so I can craft my own copy better
#clickbank #guys #salespage
  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    I can even get past the lead.

    Your "story" sounds like an ad... a Craigslist ad.

    That's not how you tell a story.

    Is it a real story?

    Or...

    Are you making it up?

    I'm not opposed to "creating a character," but this isn't how to do it.

    I'll let others critique the copy. I'm just gonna tell you... the story don't fly.

    Mark
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  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    It didn't feel like a real single mom to me. I'm not a mom myself, but I didn't buy the story.

    The paragraphs are massive and not scannable. I skimmed to the headlines, which said nothing I haven't read before and really did nothing to hit on something I might feel pain on, and then I gave up. I scrolled down and saw there was a video, but didn't really feel like watching.

    This is all just opinion, take it for what it's worth. I don't know the numbers or anything that went into this. I do know it reads really inauthentic to me.
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  • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
    I also tried to read it - but because the layout was hurting my eyes I gave up.

    Thing is, assuming you are who you say you are and do what you say you do.

    There is a gigantic market waiting to buy.

    You just need to (as Mark said) inject your personality into the copy.

    And (as Angie) said make it so true and authentic people can't help but believe it.

    And as we all said - please - make it easy to read.


    Steve
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    • Profile picture of the author DJ Gelner
      There's nothing to really "grab" me from the start:

      -Headline is too long.

      -Opener: "Hi, I'm Annie Jones, and this is my story..." Uh...why should we care again? Remember like Sugarman says, the goal of every sentence should be to get the reader to read the next sentence.

      The paragraphs go from nice, readable formatting to bunched-up walls of text.

      Also, I don't think you build nearly enough desire--it just basically goes from "complaining big time" to "magic solution." You need to engage the reader's emotions a bit more, really get their mind turning and NEEDING TO HAVE this RIGHT NOW.

      At the moment, I just don't think the ad does that as written.

      Just my $0.02--let me know if you have any questions!

      -D.J.
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  • Profile picture of the author jjosephs
    Even though it's not badly written, it's not punchy enough and reeks of inauthentic.

    You know those smiling stock photos? This is the text version. Local cable commercials often make the same mistake. Heavily scripted testimonial, like they have a gun to their head.

    Ask a woman to tell you a real financial struggle story, and record it. Note the rhythm, note the dramatic elements, the turning point, note the way they describe the feelings.

    In other news... Your headline-

    Only weird people like "weird tricks". Don't call it that.

    "Climb out of debt" is about as appealing as "climb out of the sewer". It sounds slow and stinky.

    I recommend you nix the "helping with twitter and fbook" which isn't very exciting, and build some curiosity instead ... "Pull in $700 a week in her pajamas" etc.

    Give your character extra dimension by adding details like age and location. A picture wouldn't hurt either.

    Capitalize the first letters, and change the font, color, or anything else to make it more grabbing.
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  • Profile picture of the author TjarkHartmann
    Nobody is going to buy that for this main reason:

    It's not believable.
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  • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
    I agree with Mike, Angie and Tjark on this...the story isn't believable.

    The "voice" of the story doesn't sound like a single mother. It sounds like a man trying to write a story as a single mother...kind of like those 350 lb. hairy backed women who work as 1-900 operators, only much less believable.

    There's not even a picture of her, which immediately throws up a red flag...is she even a real person?

    You've got a decent idea here, but bad execution. I'd suggest, assuming that the story IS real, that you interview her, transcribe it and have a woman edit it just enough to make it readable on the sales page.

    Add a picture and give the page a warmer less "salesy" feel.
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    • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
      Originally Posted by sethczerepak View Post

      I'd suggest, assuming that the story IS real, that you interview her, transcribe it and have a woman edit it just enough to make it readable on the sales page.
      I suspect that's the issue. It's not a real story. That's why it feels so unauthentic to everyone.

      But IF it is, I mirror what you said...

      Interview her, press the record button and put her comments into the context of your hook.

      If she's not real...

      Well...

      Mark

      P.S. Authenticity sells. And nothing can replace it. Boom. Said it. So when you have an obviously unauthentic story (or a lazy attempt at interviewing the star of the letter,) it slaps you in the face - like a woman who just caught you cheating on her. Ouch.
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  • Profile picture of the author Raydal
    What gives this letter real credibility is placed way to far down the page--the
    FOX news video. I think placing this at the top would make all the difference
    for this letter.

    And it's strange to ask for a critique of a letter you have no control over.
    Or maybe it's just me.

    -Ray Edwards
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