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critique my first sales page please!

by Vanquish
11 replies
hey

over the past week i've been taking in a lot of info and created my first sales page for my first product. It is in the dating niche and it teaches men how to pick up women.

My goal is to have it convert at 1% for now and then tweak it accordingly.

Is 1% conversion possible with my current letter?

Can you guys please rip it up as hard as you can and give me any suggestions to improve it. (ignore the stuff at the bottom only read up to the p.s')

SiteName


Thanks for your help
#critique #page #sales
  • Profile picture of the author kemdev
    Hey Vanquish,

    I don't have nearly as much expertise on this subject as other Warriors
    here have, but I think I may have a few tips that could help you out.

    1) Spellcheck. You have quite a few typos that you'll want to take care
    of before you send any traffic.

    2) I'd change the testimonial box. This could just be me, but it's a little
    hard on the eyes. The red does match well with your site - try
    making the border thinner and reducing the width of the table.

    3) Your intro headline is a little long-winded. Try to shorten it up a little.

    4) Your spacing is between some of your headlines and regular copy.

    These are just a few tips to get you started. I'm sure another Warrior
    will be around shortly to be able to aptly give you an in-depth critique.

    All the best,

    Jesse Kemmerer
    kemmerer.j@gmail.com
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  • Profile picture of the author Kyle Tully
    Your headline is COMPLETELY unbelievable.

    No one will read past it.
    Signature
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  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    Originally Posted by Vanquish View Post


    Is 1% conversion possible with my current letter?
    No. Aside from the spelling errors your headline is bloated. You
    are working in some of the more potent appeals for this
    sort of thing... but your style, rhythm and general approach
    will need a lot of work I think. Seduction is a competitive
    market - if you are really as good at getting girls as you want
    us to believe, your writing should reflect the same smoothness
    and attention to detail and presentation we expect of a
    seduction guru.
    Signature
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    • Profile picture of the author Vanquish
      Originally Posted by Loren Woirhaye View Post

      No. Aside from the spelling errors your headline is bloated. You
      are working in some of the more potent appeals for this
      sort of thing... but your style, rhythm and general approach
      will need a lot of work I think. Seduction is a competitive
      market - if you are really as good at getting girls as you want
      us to believe, your writing should reflect the same smoothness
      and attention to detail and presentation we expect of a
      seduction guru.
      Thanks for your help, if i fix the headline and spelling errors will it have a good chance at converating at 1%?

      Rhythem, style and general approach? Can you elaborate more on that please
      Signature
      Nothing to sell, only value to give and new knowledge to learn.
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      • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
        No. Not a good chance is my guess. The
        only way to know is to advertise your offer
        and see if people buy.

        Your writing is bad. Maybe you can write
        better. Maybe a lot better.

        Find out:
        Take a creative writing class. Read a lot. Write
        a lot. Join a writing group. Get involved with
        words and language. Find books and writers
        who take your breath away.

        Get Stephen King's book "On Writing" and read
        it several times. Get "Writing Down The Bones"
        get "The Elements of Style".

        If you don't really want to be a writer this will
        be hard for you. Very hard, because you have to
        love it - not just to make money.

        Otherwise hire a pro.
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  • Profile picture of the author Vanquish
    Based on the feedback i changed the headline, do you guys find this one to be more effective?


    "Discover How You Can Approach Any Women And Know Exactly How To Create An Uncontrollable Physical Attraction In Her Despite Your Age, Looks And Income"

    If you want to learn how to say goodbye to rejection forever, gain ultimate freedom of choice with women and find your one true love then this might be the most important message you ever read.
    Signature
    Nothing to sell, only value to give and new knowledge to learn.
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  • Profile picture of the author Vanquish
    Thank you everyone for the feedback, besides the bad headline (which i changed, hopefully its not as bad ) and the spelling errors what other things do you feel will prevent this copy from converting at 1% ?
    Signature
    Nothing to sell, only value to give and new knowledge to learn.
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    • Profile picture of the author gjabiz
      Originally Posted by Vanquish View Post

      Thank you everyone for the feedback, besides the bad headline (which i changed, hopefully its not as bad ) and the spelling errors what other things do you feel will prevent this copy from converting at 1% ?
      It is obvious you want someone, anyone, to tell you that you are going to get a 1% conversion...that is what you want from us.
      OK then,

      You are going to do great and get a 1% probably even a 5% conversion on this.

      OK? Now, if you want some reality and want to make a profit from this thing, TAKE the advice that has been freely given. WOMAN not WOMEN. Simple things like that. Who approaches a group or women?

      See, you are resisting the advice and the tips given to you. So, either get serious or go ahead and believe ME..."you'll convert at at least 5%"

      Take a week off and rewrite your sales page from the tips you've been given. Or don't.

      gjabiz
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      • Profile picture of the author Vanquish
        Originally Posted by gjabiz View Post

        It is obvious you want someone, anyone, to tell you that you are going to get a 1% conversion...that is what you want from us.
        OK then,

        You are going to do great and get a 1% probably even a 5% conversion on this.

        OK? Now, if you want some reality and want to make a profit from this thing, TAKE the advice that has been freely given. WOMAN not WOMEN. Simple things like that. Who approaches a group or women?

        See, you are resisting the advice and the tips given to you. So, either get serious or go ahead and believe ME..."you'll convert at at least 5%"

        Take a week off and rewrite your sales page from the tips you've been given. Or don't.

        gjabiz
        I'm not asking for anyones approval besides the experts looking over it and determining if it has all the elements that will convert at 1% since it is my first web page I know that the copywriting experts here have a good eye on what makes a web page good or bad so they can give me some good feedback.

        I took everyones feedback and changed my headline and i'm also in the process of editing the spelling mistakes. Besides that I haven't got any criticism to improve it in any way possible

        I can't see how I'm resisting advice when people told me to change the headline and i changed it but i have no feedback on that so besides that it is just the spelling mistakes i have to get rid of.

        Seems like your post has nothing useful to contribute to my critique besides the obvious that a few people said earlier.
        Signature
        Nothing to sell, only value to give and new knowledge to learn.
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  • Profile picture of the author RentItNow
    Missing eye candy and some really good tips, maybe even video. Hard to get past spelling and gramatical errors. No pics on testimonials or of you. I kinda like the headline but I already know how to do what you are describing :-)
    Signature
    I have no agenda but to help those in the same situation. This I feel will pay the bills.
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  • Profile picture of the author RentItNow
    One more thing..." I want you to take a minute and honestly answer the questions below... " I dont like that sentence at all especially the first sentence. I don't know you and you want me to do something for you???
    Signature
    I have no agenda but to help those in the same situation. This I feel will pay the bills.
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