Critique Request: Direct Marketing Letter

Hey guys!

Backstory: I have a friend. She runs a franchise of an art school that's building quite the reputation in South-East Asia. She asked me to help her out with her advertising. Currently, she sends out flyers to gather prospects and clients.

The target audience is primarily kids aged 3-12. The decision maker would be their parents.

I proposed that I'd write a sales letter instead, which she could distribute the same way she does with the flyers.

Before I submit the copy to her however, I was hoping to get some insights on how I could tighten the copy and well... make it better. It's not on any website, so I've simply "copy-pasted" it here! Any feedback would be welcomed.

Note: I realised the formatting may be a bit off. And I apologize for that. I've done my best to make it as smooth as possible. Certain words that I'd originally bolded, underlined or italicised may not appear in this post.

Cheers!

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An open letter to every parent with a young child aged 3-12

Dear Parent,

Do you wish for your child to grow up self-confident?

Would you like your child to actively participate in an invigorating and productive activity, rather than idle away on mind numbing video games?

Would you like your child to be involved in a nourishing experience that banishes the stresses from Singapore's academic rush?

If so, than I encourage you to pay close attention to this letter.

My name's Jill, and I run a Global Art center here in Tampines. Since 1999, Global Art has refreshed the young minds of children through a carefully developed art programme.

Through this invigorating curriculum, Global Art consistently helps young children, just like yours, flourish in the arts - usually within just 8 weeks. Think of it like this.

The average student joins, only with the ability to randomly scribble and doodle. And often, the end result is something unrecognizable.

Within our structured, step-by-step programme however, these very same students gradually learn the delicate techniques to - quite literally - energize their artwork to a vivid, breathtaking effect. It's genuinely remarkable.

You see, when children draw, they have this innate desire to create an accurate representation of what they see. With this imaginative, informative and illustrative programme, this desire regularly becomes a reality.

A reality that embeds an unforgettable expression in your child.

It's fulfilling, and it brings them unrivalled joy.

In 8 short weeks, your child will begin to command a gripping passion and an unimaginable artistic flair. And here's why:

• Our hand-picked team of encouraging teachers will take your child by the hand, and guide your child systematically through each and every lesson

• A progressive syllabus thoughtfully drawn out to give your child a firm grip on the basics - before touching on more complicated techniques. This ensures your child's interest grows with each lesson

• The lessons are lighthearted, simple and easy-to-follow. This creates the much-needed comfort, and confidence to learn art. And it also motivates children early on so they keep at it

• Because each child usually comes in with different skill levels, we provide a realistic timeframe, developed from 15 years of experience, for your child's ability to enhance

• Children love to have fun. That's why each lesson is deliberately designed to be engaging. In fact, that's why we only select teachers who are able to command attention. Because once we captivate your child, the rest just follows through naturally

• A small class of 8 allows our teachers to pay close attention to each student. This way, your child is able to keep up with the lessons comfortable. After all, we'd like to give both you and your child a glowing experience

• When you and your child step into Global Art, you'll begin to absorb the vibrant colours and pictures that decorate the classroom. They actually serve 2 important purposes. This lively display helps maintain a pleasant mood in the classroom, and also encourages students... as a reminder of what they will soon achieve

• Decades of established scientific research has proven a remarkable fact. Students with an early art education tend to outperform their peers in school. And the reason's simple. Art teaches growing young minds to appreciate, and pay close attention to detail

• A recent study discovered that young students involved in a weekly art programme improved by an average of 87% in school. Pretty impressive, isn't it?

Quite frankly, the fascinating benefits that your child will immerse in at Global Art don't simply end here. What you've read so far is just a taste of what to expect.

Still, at this stage, most parents would be looking for more proof that Global Art genuinely delivers - that we also walk-the-walk. This is why I urge you to take a look at a few of the reviews we've received from delighted parents who trust us with their children.

Subheadline with an excerpt from a testimonial

Global Art isn't a newly established art school. The fact is, it's on the verge of becoming a household name. And the reviews you've just read are a mere handful of the euphoric lives we've been blessed to be a part of.

That said, you may not have heard of us yet. And understandably, you may still be somewhat apprehensive. So here's what I'm going to do.

Give us a call today, and your child will be entitled to an immediate, no-obligations free trial class with us. It's an opportunity to indulge in the compelling benefits offered without having to make a commitment.

Here's what this means:

• Your child will get to experience Global Art first-hand for free

• Unless you and your child are completely thrilled by this exhilarating 1hr 30mins class, you will not even have to consider signing up with us

• This free trial class comes with zero obligations. If your child doesn't enjoy the programme, you needn't sign up. And even if your child had a great time with us, you still won't be obliged to sign up.

Here's how to claim your free trial

Drop us a call, text message or email to register now at:

Office No.:
Mobile:
Email:

We'll walk you through this simple process.

Alternatively, you could also pop by and visit us at __(address)__ to register.

Regardless, I urge you to get in touch with us today. And feel clear the air and ask any questions too. We'd be happy to paint a clear picture of the journey that awaits your child.

So call, SMS email or visit us now to claim your child's free trial today. The pleasure will be ours.

Yours truly,
Jill Keshyap