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Destroy my landing page

by donnied79
9 replies
I've recently put in place a landing place to giveaway an ebook about gay dating.
Why gay dating? Because my website gets around 10.000 visits a month of traffic since the name is the .tv version of a tv.com famous gay website.
I'm not experienced in copy-writing and I had to do it in the spare-time.
So please destroy the landing page and help me to improve my skills!
Thank you very much in advance to everyone will reply.

Boyfriend.tv

P.s. as you will see there are no explicit images in the page or in the book.
#destroy #landing #page
  • Profile picture of the author donnied79
    First of all thank you very much for the detailed analysis.
    In the week end I'll do the first changes to the page.
    The e-book is quite a generic one, even if it's 100% original.
    Do you think it's ok to leverage on some of the point you mentioned even if they're not deeply mentioned in the ebook?
    My other problem is that being Italian I'm always unsure about the effectiveness of my headlines.
    Even if I think I can write in decent English it's not like being mother tongue..
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  • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
    Dude, I hate to be the grammarian, but for Gawd's sake fix your spelling and punctuation errors.

    Sounds like a stoned person wrote it.

    I'd also suggest being more specific about what the ebook teaches. Is it online only, online and off?

    And please, feed this bullet a cheeseburger...
    • Find the satisfaction you deserve

    ...before a stiff wind blows it away.
    Signature
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  • Profile picture of the author donnied79
    Thanks again.
    As I said I'm Italian, so it's not that easy for me to write in a fluent and 100% correct English.
    I'll make some changes and let see what happens.
    Regarding CPA I tried some dating sites in the past but it seemed it was not bringing money. Regarding Clickbank I didn't see any interesting product to promote... But I'll give another look.
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    • Profile picture of the author multipliedmike
      I don't have much time for a critique, but I took a quick look & noticed you don't mention the popular site most of your traffic is searching for when they come to you.

      If you included their name or logo somewhere (in a legal way) on the landing page, you'd more accurately match their intent, bring over some credibility & likely lower the bounce rate.

      Second, that George Clooney quote needs a picture of George! Some extra eye candy for your audience should help grab their attention.
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      • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
        Originally Posted by multipliedmike View Post

        I don't have much time for a critique, but I took a quick look & noticed you don't mention the popular site most of your traffic is searching for when they come to you.

        If you included their name or logo somewhere (in a legal way) on the landing page, you'd more accurately match their intent, bring over some credibility & likely lower the bounce rate.

        Second, that George Clooney quote needs a picture of George! Some extra eye candy for your audience should help grab their attention.
        I'm sure legally speaking that celebrities dislike having their likenesses used for causes they don't necessarily support. Using someone else's logo is pretty much in the same boat.

        In other words, don't do this without running it by an intellectual property attorney, or you can get sued.
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        Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

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        • Profile picture of the author Scott McKinstry
          Cut the following:

          ** "Because homosexuality is not just a form of sex, it's a form of love."

          ** "The important thing is not the object of love, but the emotion itself."

          ** The George Clooney quote.

          Why?

          Because it sounds like you're bending over backwards trying to say that gay dating is okay -- which I doubt is what your target customer is interested in hearing when they come to a site that'll help 'em find love and/or sex.

          The message I'm getting is "gay dating isn't a sin! You're okay!"

          Not that your heart isn't in the right place And clearly you're trying to appeal to your target market, which means your wallet's in the right place, too.

          Always tough to know for sure how a person will react -- and certainly everyone is an individual -- but if I were gay it would at worst offend me, and at best just be a distraction.

          Spend your words wisely: tell them what they want to hear about.

          And maybe I'm wrong -- but the quickest way to find out (besides testing) is to talk to a bunch of gay men looking for dating advice. Probably one or two forums on the interwebs for that kind of thing
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    • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
      Originally Posted by donnied79 View Post

      Thanks again.
      As I said I'm Italian, so it's not that easy for me to write in a fluent and 100% correct English.
      .
      Dude, I get that. I really do.

      But you know who doesn't care?

      Your customers.
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  • Profile picture of the author Tan Shengg
    Originally Posted by donnied79 View Post

    I've recently put in place a landing place to giveaway an ebook about gay dating.
    Why gay dating? Because my website gets around 10.000 visits a month of traffic since the name is the .tv version of a tv.com famous gay website.
    I'm not experienced in copy-writing and I had to do it in the spare-time.
    So please destroy the landing page and help me to improve my skills!
    Thank you very much in advance to everyone will reply.

    Boyfriend.tv

    P.s. as you will see there are no explicit images in the page or in the book.
    I like your green arrow. It catch my attention.
    As for Italian words on the bottom left. I feel it is hard to read. A change of font may be better.
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  • Profile picture of the author donnied79
    Guys, thank you very much to all of you.. Many good advices, especially the fact that I had to choose between sex and love and that I was dealing with gay dating like if it's something different than just dating.
    After first changes I started to make about 1 subscriber a day. Let's see after this new changes how will it go.
    Thanks again.
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