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Critique for a beginner?

by andersenws
9 replies
I'm a college student trying to do offline marketing for businesses in my local area. I recently wrote a letter that I hand delivered to about 10 dentists in my area (not a large sample I know), and called to follow up, but I didn't get any real results.

I want to make sure there aren't any glaring errors in my copy, but I'm sure there will be.

///////////////////////////////////

<handwritten>Dr. Prospect</handwritten>

I've made a mistake.

You see, I've been banging my head against the wall trying to get <localarea> dentists like you to kickstart their online efforts. I thought they already understood the value of taking control of their online presence and how it can positively affect their image and their practice.

But they just don't see the value yet. And now I know why.

If you're like me, you're skeptical of new things when it comes to the Internet and especially when it comes to your business.

And if you're like most small business owners, you may have been burned by some hotshot web designer who gave you a website that cost you thousands and just sat there all alone on the Internet, "virtually" collecting dust.

<u>STOP!</u> You're probably starting to wonder when I'm going to start selling you on a new website.

Take a breath. The truth is, I'm NOT going to do that.

<handwritten brackets>All I'm asking for is 10 minutes of your time. In those 10 minutes, I will help you claim your business profile on Google for FREE.</brackets>

Keep in mind as you read this, your business profile is <u>already</u> on the Internet, being seen by 100's or 1000's of people every month.

After you and I have claimed this profile, we will be able to see exactly how many potential patients have viewed your profile each day over the past month, and what type of actions they have taken.

And most important of all, once we've claimed this profile, no one else can ever change it. YOU are in control.

Can you see the value in that?

I bet you're wondering why I would do this for free. You're thinking, there must be a catch. And there is.

As you look into the traffic your profile is receiving, and you start to see the potential it holds for your practice, you will see the value of making your Google profile the best it can be.

My hope is that when you decide to take your online image as serious as your offline image, you will hire me to help you.

That's reasonable, isn't it?

So why hesitate? Give me a call now at <555-5555> and we can set up a time to meet. Since I know you are very busy and may not be able to personally call me, I will contact your offices in the next one or two business days. Please let your receptionists know they can expect my call, and I can set up a time through them.

Sincerely,
<sig>
<name>
<555-5555>

P.S. If you've read this far, congratulations! You must realize how important it is to claim your Google profile. All it takes is a phone, a computer, and 10 minutes of your time. If you're like most small business owners, you know that's a small price to pay to take control of your online image. Don't you agree?

<rest in smaller font>
ONLY READ THIS IF YOU'VE DECIDED NOT TO MEET WITH ME
Here's a little known secret: According to a comScore survey of 3000 people conducted last year, 31% turn to the search engines as their primary source when looking for small businesses, while 30% still use the traditional Yellow Pages.
Why is this important?
Because it is the FIRST year that the search engines beat out the traditional Yellow Pages, and as I'm sure you know, search engine use is increasing every year.
The bottom line is, while only YOU can decide when to get serious about your online image, rest assured that your current and potential patients are already taking it seriously. I urge you to give me a call at <555-5555> today.
///////////////////////////////////

I put the letter in 14pt font (good/bad?) and typeset it so that when the prospect opens the folded letter, the only words seen are "I've made a mistake" which I would think is a pretty good grabber, but you guys know better than me.
Keep in mind, I am not mass mailing 50000 pieces here. This is a personal looking letter with handwriting on it, and it is being hand delivered as of now. Perhaps it would be better to spend less time on each one in favor of just playing the numbers game.
Also I'm following up with a call to set an appointment a few days later, would it be better to just give another letter?

I don't know, I just have so many questions and I am so new to this, any and all critiques would be greatly appreciated. And I promise I am not one of those newbies who will argue with suggestions :-)

Thanks in advance,
Pete
#beginner #critique
  • Profile picture of the author John_S
    This might have been vaguely interesting ...around 1996.

    Now it's just embarrassing. Dentists know people are on the 'net. That in no way, shape or form means the Google profile you put up for them will do much for them -- at all.

    Being on the 'net is not a benefit. Putting up a Google profile is not a benefit.

    Show how you have made sites that improve something -- anything -- dentists care about. ...Serve more dental patients faster, putting more money in your pocket. ...Use the web UI to slash patient no-shows 57.3%. ...Show how a Google profile did something (anything) productive for some dentist ...somewhere.

    Proof. And more proof. And even then, more proof. Client testimonial proof. Credential proof. Case history proof. Results proof.

    Don't know how to do any of that? Then go and find out.

    The business profile on Google is pointless. Figure out why anyone should care. You don't seem to know, that comes across clearly. The letter is all claims, no proof. Nobody knows who you are, what credentials you have for doing what you want to do. Or any credibility Google profiles do anything ...at all.
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    You've got the framework of a decent letter. I'd remove 'jargon' phrases such as 'online efforts and presence.' Then you go on to say, "I will help you claim your business profile on Google for FREE. " Just because you know what you're talking about don't assume anyone else does.

    I think you need to make the letter more explanatory. Start by telling the client how easier things could be with a modern Website. Go for the jugular with benefits right off the bat. WHAT'S IN IT FOR THEM?

    Easier communication with patients
    More visibility
    More business

    Once you've made a case for the benefits of a Web presence, you can explain your services. Keep your explanations simple. This isn't time for search engine statistics, just let them know they're missing the boat and you're there to help them. Save all the impressive stats and techniques for your face to face.

    I'd rewrite the letter from a simpler perspective. And I wouldn't start off with the 'mistake' sentence or with anything about banging your head against the wall. They don't care. Humbly tell them what you've got and ask for a few minutes to explain in person. And when you get those few minutes, be prepared! Good luck!
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    • Profile picture of the author John_S
      Unless you're a sales person, the ten minutes is a waste of time.
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  • Profile picture of the author Bill Jeffels
    Originally Posted by andersenws View Post

    I'm a college student trying to do offline marketing for businesses in my local area. I recently wrote a letter that I hand delivered to about 10 dentists in my area (not a large sample I know), and called to follow up, but I didn't get any real results.

    I want to make sure there aren't any glaring errors in my copy, but I'm sure there will be.

    ///////////////////////////////////

    <handwritten>Dr. Prospect</handwritten>

    I've made a mistake.

    You see, I've been banging my head against the wall trying to get <localarea> dentists like you to kickstart their online efforts. I thought they already understood the value of taking control of their online presence and how it can positively affect their image and their practice.

    But they just don't see the value yet. And now I know why.

    If you're like me, you're skeptical of new things when it comes to the Internet and especially when it comes to your business.

    And if you're like most small business owners, you may have been burned by some hotshot web designer who gave you a website that cost you thousands and just sat there all alone on the Internet, "virtually" collecting dust.

    <u>STOP!</u> You're probably starting to wonder when I'm going to start selling you on a new website.

    Take a breath. The truth is, I'm NOT going to do that.

    <handwritten brackets>All I'm asking for is 10 minutes of your time. In those 10 minutes, I will help you claim your business profile on Google for FREE.</brackets>

    Keep in mind as you read this, your business profile is <u>already</u> on the Internet, being seen by 100's or 1000's of people every month.

    After you and I have claimed this profile, we will be able to see exactly how many potential patients have viewed your profile each day over the past month, and what type of actions they have taken.

    And most important of all, once we've claimed this profile, no one else can ever change it. YOU are in control.

    Can you see the value in that?

    I bet you're wondering why I would do this for free. You're thinking, there must be a catch. And there is.

    As you look into the traffic your profile is receiving, and you start to see the potential it holds for your practice, you will see the value of making your Google profile the best it can be.

    My hope is that when you decide to take your online image as serious as your offline image, you will hire me to help you.

    That's reasonable, isn't it?

    So why hesitate? Give me a call now at <555-5555> and we can set up a time to meet. Since I know you are very busy and may not be able to personally call me, I will contact your offices in the next one or two business days. Please let your receptionists know they can expect my call, and I can set up a time through them.

    Sincerely,
    <sig>
    <name>
    <555-5555>

    P.S. If you've read this far, congratulations! You must realize how important it is to claim your Google profile. All it takes is a phone, a computer, and 10 minutes of your time. If you're like most small business owners, you know that's a small price to pay to take control of your online image. Don't you agree?

    <rest in smaller font>
    ONLY READ THIS IF YOU'VE DECIDED NOT TO MEET WITH ME
    Here's a little known secret: According to a comScore survey of 3000 people conducted last year, 31% turn to the search engines as their primary source when looking for small businesses, while 30% still use the traditional Yellow Pages.
    Why is this important?
    Because it is the FIRST year that the search engines beat out the traditional Yellow Pages, and as I'm sure you know, search engine use is increasing every year.
    The bottom line is, while only YOU can decide when to get serious about your online image, rest assured that your current and potential patients are already taking it seriously. I urge you to give me a call at <555-5555> today.
    ///////////////////////////////////

    I put the letter in 14pt font (good/bad?) and typeset it so that when the prospect opens the folded letter, the only words seen are "I've made a mistake" which I would think is a pretty good grabber, but you guys know better than me.
    Keep in mind, I am not mass mailing 50000 pieces here. This is a personal looking letter with handwriting on it, and it is being hand delivered as of now. Perhaps it would be better to spend less time on each one in favor of just playing the numbers game.
    Also I'm following up with a call to set an appointment a few days later, would it be better to just give another letter?

    I don't know, I just have so many questions and I am so new to this, any and all critiques would be greatly appreciated. And I promise I am not one of those newbies who will argue with suggestions :-)

    Thanks in advance,
    Pete
    Hi Andersenews

    I have to agree with John_S. You need lots of proof and lot's of testimonials. You need to change your copy. lot's of benefits. I've wrote for this niche before. Dentists want more money, more time off and and of coarse more clients.

    I can help you with your offline letter.

    Here is what you do. You say you have 10 dentists your going to mail too. Go to the bank, get 10 crisp one dollar bills. # 10 envelopes. 10 real postage stamps. Write thier name on the envelope. write your name in the corner.

    Clip this dollar bill the top of your letter. The dollar is your headline. Your opening is. "As you can see I have attached a dollar bill to the top of this letter. Do you know why?. There are actually two reason's. One, is I wanted to get your attention. Two, since this is about you making money I thought it was appropriate to use a dollar bill as a financial eye catcher. Any way, here is what this is all about.

    Then go into whats in it for them. Put your dollar bill so it is facing the back of your envelope, so the dollar bill is the first thing they see when they open your letter. Have your letter "Z" folded.

    And this is only going to work if your a expert in what you are trying to sell. I hope you are, because if you do what I just told you, you will make alot of money.

    Bill Jeffels
    Signature
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  • Profile picture of the author Christopher_Stella
    dont insult ur target customers intelligence by saying "i thought they would know by now". instead relate while telling a quest or story, "before, like you, when i didnt do x i had made x$ now thru these 7 excellent techniques to improve blah blah blah". or whatever.

    Take ur customer from where they are to where the want to be dont sell right away seduce first. Make them raise their hand and say ooo thats me.

    also just get it opened like mentioned above. 1st class hand written mail. copy should be type face, maybe add some hand written stuff like circling price. Make sure stuffs personalized, converts like crazy.
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  • Profile picture of the author andersenws
    Thanks for all the feedback. I will definitely incorporate all of your suggestions and get back with some improvements.

    Pete
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  • Profile picture of the author snowtigress
    Did you ever do any research into whether or not dentists are hurting for clients and that an online presence would help? It seems you're pushing a service that doesn't have a high demand. You can't sell what nobody wants. Personally, I do not "Google" for my doctors. I go to affiliated sites like this one -- http://profiles.massmedboard.org/MA-Physician-Profile-Find-Doctor.asp --

    You may just have a dud on your hands, so fixing up the sales page is useless until you know there's a market for it.
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    • Profile picture of the author sherisaid
      I was thinking the same thing. My dentist turns away new business because he does not have the time. I have to make appointments 6 months in advance.

      So why dentists? Did you see them as an untapped market? There are a few newer businesses trying to establish that send flyers and such, but most people are going to find their dentist through either word of mouth, their insurance carrier recommendation, or a local directory search.

      You'd be much better off making the same sort of offer to small service businesses. Years ago, I had a client who owned a construction business. He sprayed stuff on houses in a certain stage of construction that seals wood and inhibits the growth of mold. Anyway, he was begging for SEO to help get his business to rank, and I knew nothing about it because, at the time, my job did not involve content issues. (I am a web designer, writing is a new venture). My advice to you is to get one of those flyers that land in your driveway every week. The people who advertise in those are generally local businesses with small budgets. Land them on the front page of Google to build a sales portfolio people can relate to.
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  • Profile picture of the author tlimstliy3
    I am no copywriter, but i I agree with sherisaid. Go to the small businesses. I went around to local small businesses last year--4 out of 7 were seriously interested in learning how to make sales on their websites. the 4 each had sites but little to no traffic and no sales-- they had little to no knowledge of seo and smo and 2 of the 4 would have paid me but I got too busy. Good luck !
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