Sales Page - Looking for Feedback!

Hey Mike,

Welcome to the Copywriting Forum.

Damn, I'm gonna have a hard time keeping quiet on this thread lol

Who is your target market?

Hi Mike,

Some quick points that stood out.

But first, these points are more subject matters
which can be expanded on greatly.

The point of my subject matter that are lacking
is to head you in the right direction, not to lay out
everything.

With that said, here's key areas to improve on,
so your message is more compelling...

Look to improve your credibility when you predicted Panda and Penguin updates,
Where you were mentioned in the press would be an example
of verifying what you said is true.

Why you are different and what you are not.

Create a picture what life would be like owning this new power

Some teasing bullet points to set fire to my greed.

Unclear what it is I'm buying.

Best,
Ewen

Hi Mike--welcome to the forum!

Just read through your sales letter--a few things stood out:

1) Where's the price? This is by far the biggest omission I saw. Tough to judge whether you get the prospect "over the mountain" and wanting to buy without knowing how much you're charging. Big difference between a $7 ebook and a $97 course.

2) "The problem with 99% of internet marketers and online business owners is simple: they look for "experts" to tell them what to do, instead of using basic logic and common sense to figure it out!"

If this is the case, why trust your experts? You've disqualified yourself already in the first few paragraphs! Also, this paragraph makes your claims seem a little weak--if it's just common sense, in the words of William Costigan in The Departed, "Is this somethin' I couldn't do personally?" Where's the value add?

3) Generally grammar, highlights, underlines, bolds, etc. are pretty good. The biggest grammar issue I saw was that sometimes you use the possessive ('s) instead of just using an "s" to mean multiple numbers of things. I could quibble with some of your stylistic choices, but hey, that's what makes each of us unique as copywriters, right?

4) "doing SEO"--this seems wrong to me for some reason, but I don't know what the right verb would be. I just tend to prefer more active verbs: "don't waste time fooling around with 'traditional SEO,'" that sort of thing.

5) Alternating bold and non-bold bullets--my eyes naturally glided over the non-bolded ones.

6) Think you need to build up the prospect's desire a bit more. It's all "explain, explain, explain," then a few quick bullets, and "buy." Maybe it's because the later part of the sales letter, you're still a bit "wishy-washy." For example:

"When we stumbled upon "New SEO", it made perfect sense. It was logical, and it matched our experience with using Google, and seeing which sites were affected by major updates.

So we got to work. We made tweaks, we made changes, and we made mistakes.

But it's been two years, and we've had plenty of time to iron out the wrinkles. We're confident that "New SEO" is going to be the way businesses do SEO for a very long time to come."

"When we stumbled upon 'New SEO'..."But it's been two years and we've had plenty of time to iron out the wrinkles [did you iron them out?] We're confident that "New SEO" is going to be the way businesses do SEO for a very long time to come."

Why? You just told us in the first part of the letter that Google makes 100 changes to their algos a day. Is this going to change? It doesn't really resonate with me.

I think you need to show the prospect how their life will be different with this product--all of the success that they'll have in detail. Use more sensory language, make them feel and taste the success.

And then deal with their fears. The problem here is you raise a fear in the first part (Google changes this stuff all the time), then say just how devastating that fear can be...then totally disregard that it could happen again because you're "confident" that you've solved it. Not exactly thinking of your experts as superheroes here...beef it up a bit more without giving away the farm.

All of that said, you definitely seem to know some solid techniques, and have a pretty good grasp of the language--I've seen a lot worse from some of these "critique my sales letter" requests. You have a very good base to build off of (I suppose Seth deserves credit for some of that! )

Let me know if you have any questions--hope you find my feedback constructive and helpful. And again, welcome Mike!

-D.J.

Thanks for the awesome feedback – I have a bunch of ideas for reworking it now. It's become clear to me that I need to both eliminate excess "information" fluff, and spend more time in the pre-writing stage to really get a grasp on a reader's desire.

I've been reading the Gary Halbert letter site. He recommends a pre-writing routine you guys are probably familiar with... doing in-depth research, taking notes, etc. He talks about identifying the core desire, and then writing the copy to speak to that desire.

I admit that even though I've "understood" what he's talking about, connecting the copy to the desire has felt a little abstract to me. It's like I get glimpses of it, but when I type something out, it's a lot of information, and not a lot that really draws someone in.

Seth told me this morning that what my writing really needs is a solid hook, and I think your guys' feedback echoes that.

I really appreciate you all taking the time to read the page. Your comments have definitely helped me get concrete info on directions I need to go. It's kinda funny.. I was thinking the desire stuff is "out there", abstract, but really, it's some pretty obvious stuff (now that you guys have pointed it out).

JohnRussel— Crazy thing is, I actually had to think about this as you asked. I've gone about things backwards. It was, here's the SEO knowledge that works, here's the product, now write a sales letter to sell it. I need to become absolutely clear on who the customer is, and what they want. Then use the copy as a bridge from what they want to the product.

The intended customer is someone who wants to rank their site on the first page of Google, and stay there. Could be individual internet marketers, marketers in small businesses, etc. The target market right now is a big blob – I need to hone it down so I can really speak to the customer. Pretty crazy I wrote 2,000 words without being clear on this. Thanks John!

Ewen— thanks for your advice. I really appreciate the pointer in the right direction. Your comment really shows me that what I have now is a bunch of words, but if I move in the direction you're pointing towards, I'll have some copy that can sell. I think this has been the biggest thing I've struggled with – thanks for showing me the light!

DJ— thanks for the welcome and the in-depth reply. Tons of practical tips I can put to use right away. Thanks for pointing out those major holes... I proof read over it a bunch of times, and didn't even think about the fact that I was discounting experts, then being an expert myself. And thanks for the visual language, I can see that I need to breathe some life into my copy, to make it capable of connecting with a human being.

Thanks again everyone for taking the time to read the copy, and giving invaluable feedback. I'd give you all "thanks", but I can't find the button! Looking forward to reworking this page.

Mike