My First Sales Letter -- Criticism Welcome!

by Wrenn
10 replies
After spending the last few months studying copywriting (using ideas from this forum, some books, and writers who I personally admire), I've finally "finished" my first sales letter! It's selling an ebook about critical reading:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/93wz1l6szf...asy%20Way.docx

If you could read it and drop a few lines giving feedback, that would be most appreciated!

Thanks,
Calle
#criticism #letter #sales
  • Profile picture of the author TracyBelshee
    As I've said in my other responses on reviews, I'm not a writer/copywriter, just an average joe, so take what I say for what it's worth...

    For me, I think you need to cut it in half and put the bottom half on top. The section where you start listing bullets is where I finally start to get some idea of what you may be trying to sell me.

    To be honest, I'm still not entirely sure what the benefits are.

    Maybe try and give some examples of what it is we currently do when reading and then let us know what will be different once we've read your book.

    You write the following-

    "How to recognize and avoid sophistry, in others and in yourself"

    but it seems to me, with the words you often use, you are falling into the trap yourself.

    I'm not quite sure what to expect from your product, other than hopefully I'll get more out of reading in the future. Personally, I don't think I am bad at comprehending what I read (unless it's technical or something), so I really don't have any idea how you will be improving my skills.

    What is it that will change for me? Can you tell me in a way my simple mind can understand?
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  • Profile picture of the author Jamestt89
    Hi Calle, I am not an expert on sales, but I am good with english and grammar. Since you have said you have taught this, I assume it's important. I may have missed the odd thing, I didn't proof read it thoroughly. On page 3 I would change "more efficient and more fun" to more efficient and fun. On the same paragraph 3 lines down. You should never start a sentance with "and". Again on page 6. Page 9 "including a the audio version." You have put "a the". I would take out the "a" go with "the". Page 10 the top image is covering some of your text. Might just be because im on a phone. Hope this helps!!
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    • Profile picture of the author Wrenn
      TracyBelshee,

      Thanks for playing devil's advocate. Much appreciated

      I think you're onto something with the benefits not being specific or clear enough. I wouldn't say I fall into sophistry, but I definitely do sound a bit pedantic at times, yeah.

      Your advice sounds basically like: simplify. I'll remember that.


      Jamestt89,

      Haha, I'm actually not the voice I'm pretending to be in the letter. I just decided to make up a fake persona (professional seminar giver on reading) and try and sell something I had little former experience in (this book). Sounds like it showed though...

      Yeah, spelling errors are lame. Thanks for pointing those out.

      I was having trouble with that image in different formats too. It looks good on fullscreen, but otherwise it goes all wonky. I'll probably turn it into a pdf in the final format.


      Thanks for your comments, both of you!

      -Calle
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  • Hi Calle,

    You might (and I hope you will) use laser targeted traffic.

    Because for the uninitiated it takes a while to fathom out what the book is about.

    You can easily solve this by quickly explaining what "critical" and "intelligent" reading is.

    And it would be good to clarify how important "reading comprehension" is.

    To avoid any confusion you should name your target audience (who are you aiming at?).

    Do this in the headline (remember you can use a prehead and a subheadline).

    So right at the start it IS crystal clear what the major benefits are and who should have them.

    And what the pain is if people don't get them.


    Steve
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    • Profile picture of the author Wrenn
      Thanks Steve, all great advice

      -Calle
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  • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
    Originally Posted by Wrenn View Post

    After spending the last few months studying copywriting (using ideas from this forum, some books, and writers who I personally admire), I've finally "finished" my first sales letter! It's selling an ebook about critical reading:

    https://www.dropbox.com/s/93wz1l6szf...asy%20Way.docx

    If you could read it and drop a few lines giving feedback, that would be most appreciated!

    Thanks,
    Calle
    Hi Calle, welcome to the forum.

    Your sales letter needs a hook.

    It doesn't have one right now and it's ruining what could be a pretty cool offer.

    I know several avid readers who have entire shelves dedicated to books like this.

    Go back to your opening, because you've got a damn good headline hidden in there. Since you won't learn anything from me just pointing it out, I'll draw some underlines as clues....

    "In my years teaching reading comprehension, countless students have
    asked me if there was some easier way to thinking and reading quickly,
    critically, and deeply
    – the way the professors, philosophers, and other
    great thinkers they most respect and admire
    can, besides that bitter,
    confusing struggle towards understanding that all truth-seekers are to
    varying degrees familiar with.
    It’s funny: when they ask me this they always seem to expect me to
    answer that they will only ever get to the level they want to be at
    through grit and exceptionally hard work
    . And to a degree this is true.
    Yet, a lot of the time we fight uphill battles when we don’t have to."


    Also, right now, you're selling what the product is instead of selling what it does.

    The latter will make you more sales. Think: "People don't buy drills, they buy holes." You need to paint a clear picture of an end result AND assure them that whatever fears they have about what it takes to get the result are nothing to worry about. Read my underlines again, you'll see it.

    That ought to be enough to get your pump primed.

    But, since I can't help but to point out a hidden treasure when I see it, check out this letter...

    Copywriting: Wall Street Journal Letter

    ...and this video

    ExecutiveVocabulary.com

    There's a similar selling point between these ^ offers and in yours. Maybe some of my fellow veteran copywriters can add to that, but believe me, there's an irresistible hook in there.
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  • Profile picture of the author TracyBelshee
    Hi Wrenn, just to be clear, I don't mean cut the letter in half for length. Mostly I meant that many letters I've seen that seem to flow better are broken up a bit with areas like your bullets.

    The first half says a lot without pointing out any specific benefits (at least as I personally understand them) to help me want to read more. If it was broken up more, with some of those bullets clearly telling me how I'm going to improve, then the rest could go below it to expand on your qualifications.

    I am actually interested in the topic as far as I understand it because I love to read. If there is something I'm missing when I read, then your book may be right up my alley. I just am not sure because how your program will benefit me isn't really clear.

    If you need a proof reader of your program, I'd be willing to be a guinea pig

    Edited to add: You are right, you are not falling into sophistry. I looked it up and it's not what I thought. I meant you are using bigger words than many ( as I just showed with my own misunderstanding) may not quickly or easily understand and it can come off as a bit highfalutin.

    But as was mentioned above, it may not affect your target audience, of which I may not actually be.

    Again, take it for what it's worth.

    Good luck
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    • Profile picture of the author Wrenn
      sethczerepak,

      Great advice, I see where you're going with it needing a strong hook and more specific benefits. I'll take your advice to heart. I'm going to take this down, apply your guys' advice (it's the stuff I expected would be problematic actually), then rework it back in and drop it by again!

      TracyBelshee,

      Thanks again. As this was just a sample sales letter for a product I actually am not selling, I won't need any proofreading, but thanks for offering!

      Yeah, that was one of the sources I used as a guide to build the letter off of. The guy writes some solid landing pages -- some of the best web copy I've ever seen. I'd definitely recommend studying it to the aspiring copywriter.

      -Calle
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  • Profile picture of the author TracyBelshee
    You got me, I was actually hoping you would sell me on it. I went to see what it would cost and wait for your changes

    I think that's a pretty good start
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