[Critiques appreciated] - Direct Response Sales Letter

Hi all, I've been lurking and occasionally commenting in this copywriting forum for a week or so. I'm a technical writer by trade (IT/Security), plus I've written a number of short stories and 4 novels. I am very interested in being a copywriter but am only in the asking questions, listening to videos, and reading the Stickies phase. I know I need to work on my salesmanship since this is my big weak spot.

I decided to write this up and get some other eyes on it for review and critique. I've taken a couple of days to write and edit and edit and edit some more. It sort of reminds me of my fiction writing efforts....write once, set it aside and edit until you can't stand it anymore.Yeah, it's like that.

It would be for either a Direct Response mailing to local residents or in a local newspaper. I have changed the vocation of Michael because he's a relative. My wife actually does this and makes these.

At this point I don't know how good or how bad it is. Thanks.
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How a Heavy Bi-Vocational Pastor/Garbage Collector Relieved His Lower Back Problems In One Afternoon

You probably won't believe this story but it is true, except the name. Our friend Michael is a huge man and works in the pastorate while running a garbage collection service. He's on his feet all day every day. He asked if we could help with his back pain. Michael knew my wife was a specialist in making foot orthoses. She had trained for a year under a leading Orthotist, who had made orthoses for college athletes. Being a Big 10 sports fan himself, Michael had read of two NCAA Division 1 football players that had come to her boss for help with their foot problems. Those players were back playing within days instead of weeks or months. Michael wanted whatever that man had made for them.

Handcrafted and the Secret Sauce

She agreed to help. After she took a cast of Michael's feet, he asked about the process.

"It's simple," my wife replied, "I make them in layers. The bottom is made of carbon fiber and it's what we used for insoles the football and basketball players wear. It'll take a massive beating. Anything less and those guys would shred it in their first practice. Then we put another 2 or 3 layers of softer material on top, and then a top layer. It's all form fitted to the shape of your foot. Now there is what I call the secret sauce that makes the process unique to all others, so I'll stop right there. As far as I know only two people in the world do it. You're looking at one of them."

Beware of Cheap Imitations

Michael said, "Wow, sure beats the $29.95 gel-filled inserts in the drug stores."

"Don't get me started, Michael. All mine are customized to your feet. The drug store inserts are mass produced, and well...you may be happy for a little while, but that'll wear off quickly."

I picked up the final product before Michael put them into his shoes. They were rock hard on the bottom but cushiony on top.

Four layers.

Custom fit for one person in the world.

Couldn't Believe His Feet

Michael slipped them into his shoes and walked towards the door. He turned around and grinned a mile wide.

"Talk to us, Michael," I said.

"How much are these and can I buy three more for my other shoes? I spent over $600 on a pair of these things two years ago since Medicare wouldn't cover them and they lasted about two weeks. Worthless pieces of molded plastic. But these? Comfortable. Rigid. I like 'em." He straightened his back. He smiled again.

A wise man once told me, "Craftsmanship always trumps speed." ///this would have been in a Johnson box///

"I can't believe the difference already. I've walked bow legged all my life." He paced back and forth two more times before speaking. "This has helped make it so I'm not walking on the outside of my feet anymore. I feel the pain lessening even as I tell you this."

The Old Fashioned Way

My wife and I set up shop and began doing what her boss had done before he became ill: making them from home, one pair at a time...the old fashioned way. The process is simple:

1) set up an appointment
2) come in
3) cast your feet
4) wait for the orthoses to be made
5) fit them on you, and
6) enjoy life with less pain.

The Cost

The alumni-funded college athletes shelled out a cool $1400 for their players' orthoses. It was worth more than that to get their athletes back on the field quickly. But realistically, who has that kind of dough? Even a quarter of that price tag is on the high side for most. We get that. So, in order for us to provide a world class product at an affordable price for more people, you pay $229 for the first pair and $99 for subsequent pairs since some of the labor has already been done with the first.

What about Medicare? Due to Medicare's quirky rules, most orthoses are not covered by Medicare and most insurances. If you need to set up a monthly payment plan, we can certainly arrange that.

A Guarantee

We guarantee the quality and craftsmanship of our product for a full 90 days. Come back for adjustments during those 90 days. If you are not satisfied with your orthoses any time within those 90 days, we'll adjust them or replace them free of charge. It's unlikely you'll be back except for minor tweaks, but there's the one-in-a-million chance it could happen. The risk is all on us.
Our feet and lower backs are extremely important, and anything we can do to alleviate pressure and pain is one large step towards wellness.

I urge you to call to set up an appointment today to get fitted for your custom foot orthoses. Our time slots fill up quickly since there is room on our calendar for 6-7 pairs a day without being rushed. Reserve your spot while there are spots left on our calendar.

You can continue to soak those feet nightly and make frequent trips to the chiropractor, or you can experience these pain-relieving orthoses.

Dave

P.S. Given the time and effort it takes to handcraft these orthoses, appointments are limited to 7 per day. The appointment slots fill up quickly. Call now to reserve your custom-made orthoses. 612-555-1212