Please, help critique my copy

Note: The copy is meant to be a phase in my plan to launch a copywriting service. I want to collect more testimonials, in exchange for writing for four marketers. I appreciate your comments. Please, be blunt. I'll try not to cry. I'll try.



A Lethal Weapon and an Offer No Smart Marketer Should Refuse

Dear Smart Marketer,

I grew up in a home where I saw a gun every day.

So, am I going to unleash virtual violence, now?

No. Don’t be afraid.

It’s all good news…for you.

This is about a great offer.

It’s for you, and 3 other smart and fast marketers.

But, first things first…

…seeing as you may be wondering what’s the connection between marketing and lethal weapons.


See, my dad liked to hunt!

It’s strange that some folks enjoy killing animals.

I don’t.

I am a movie-addict.

GODFATHER…is one of my faves.

I’ve watched it 4 times. It’s a work of art.

Do you recall that part where Mary was shot, as people came out of the opera? And, the haunting strains of Cavalleria Rusticana, wafted in the background, deepening the grief our delicate hearts were suddenly plunged into?

But, let’s leave the Cosa Nostra and focus on moolah.

I’d like to make you an offer. But, don’t be scared. I’m not going to use a gun.

Relax.

I promise you, I’m not going to use a gun.

If you give me a tiny chunk of your time, I will craft response-boosting copy for you.

FREE. Yes, you read that right. No moolah needed today. Keep your wallet.

Do you know what will happen after you start using the copy I’d craft for you?

Your money worries will start melting away like snowflakes in the sun.
I have tasted ‘financial freedom’. Trust me; it’s not an elusive ideal.
I experienced it for a while; it’s one of the most blissful states in the world.
No more money worries.
Financial freedom!
You can buy whatever you want (that’s when I got a superfast BMW, I like slicing through the wind.)

I was a banker, in a previous incarnation. But this is not about me.


Let’s make you more moolah.

I made a similar offer to this one, a few months ago. I wrote copy for free, for a few lucky people. I received a lot of requests. Sadly, I could not fulfill all of them. This is a chance to improve my Karma.

Let’s hit ‘refresh.’

Once again, I’m offering you world-class, response-boosting copy for FREE.
I’d like to say my motivation is purely altruistic. I’d like to say that.

But, it’d be a huge lie.

I am trying to collect more testimonials. I intend to launch my paid copywriting service, soon.

I want to give you a taste of what we can do together, when you retain me, later, to craft compelling copy for you.

Are you leveraging the power of testimonials in your marketing and sales? I’m glad you said, yes.

What you’re Gonna Get

• If you give me a tiny chunk of your time, I will craft response-boosting copy for you. FREE of charge…in exchange for your testimonials.
• Peace of mind – knowing your copy is being handled by a real salesman
• Soon, your money worries will start melting away like snowflakes in the sun.
• You will have more time –-- to do whatever your heart desires.
• You will accelerate your journey to financial freedom.

You’d like that, right?

I hope you’ve got a good product or service. I hope you’ve got a system in place to measure conversion, and, above all, I hope you’re truly customer-centric. That’s one of the key components of the DNA of highly successful marketers.

First, let’s quickly talk about magic.

Oh, you wanted me to continue the talk of moolah, right? Not to worry. There’s a method to my slithering prose.

Yes, let’s talk magic. And, you’d see the connection, soon.

“Are you watching closely?’’

Come a bit close. I’d like to ask you a question.

Yes, closer. Nothing to be afraid of…

Oh, you’d like to know what’s hidden in my left hand. It’s not a sword. I swear. It’s not a sword. It’s a magic wand. I decided to hide it in my sword’s sheath. That's the honest truth.

Here’s my question: Do you like magic?

Ok, great. I like it, too.

Magic!

I love its colorful aura, unpredictability, and strangeness. You’d agree with me that it is a short, suspense-filled trip to an alien but refreshing world.
We know it’s not real, but we enjoy it, and that’s its reward. Life is tough, so, it’s nice to take a break once in a while…from the drudgery of unfulfilling work, and the most dreaded monster in the world…bills.

Bills!

That’s one of the monsters you and I will keep in its place when I start writing copy for you.

Do you remember the first magic show you ever saw?

I remember mine…

It was in high-school, at Mount Carmel College (over three decades ago) -- a strict catholic school. We spent most of the time on work, work, and more work.

A magic show was a rarity. It was almost like Haley’s Comet – which comes once in 75 years!

We jumped for joy, when our English teacher, Father James, told us that a magic show would be held a week from that day!

We like the priest, a Brit, -- of course he’s a tad strange – he talks to flowers, he hugs trees, he’s always with a cigarette (the awful smell) -- and most of the time, he wears that dull dress, priests are compelled to wear.

For most of us: boys between the ages of 10 and 12. It was our first opportunity to see a real life magician. The first magician I ever ‘saw’ was probably the count, on Sesame Street, or the pied piper of Hamelin…

As we waited for that special day to arrive, time crawled like a sick snail.
Then, the day came…

The bald magician looked ordinary, a tad on the heavy side, he was of average height and he could pass for a bean-counter -- and his cloak was brown (not my fave color).
It turned out to be an unforgettable day! My world changed when he started the performance.

The experience taught me that first impressions are not always correct.

But, we’re supposed to be talking about marketing…how to make you more moolah.

I’m sorry, I got carried away.

Are you still with me? Hey!

Hello!
If you’re still here, that’s awesome.

Effective marketing is also magical. You could start with little, engage a copy alchemist, who knows how to turn words to cash… and within a short-period, you’d make your bankers incredibly jealous.

Effective marketing is magic.

But it is no illusion. It’s not fantasy. You go home after a magic show, and all you have to show for it are warm memories and a slightly leaner bank balance…

With effective marketing, the impact may last a lifetime, and its effect can be life-transforming.

When you have a great conductor at the helm of your copywriting…your bank account overflows. A tsunami of abundance fills your life. Most of your dreams are now easily realizable. Your fears fade away.

Smart marketers know how to orchestrate different elements to get winning promotions.
Copywriters are a dime a dozen! You need someone with real –world experience of sales and marketing. Someone who knows what is at a stake and who can understand what you’re trying to achieve because they have been there several times. Someone who has tasted blood!

Someone who has sold on the streets – in the cold, harsh realities of face-to-face interactions (not a wimp who has been hiding behind a computer, all his life)…
…You need someone who is constantly studying all the great books on copywriting and marketing…and all the winning promotions. Someone who is on the train bound for the land of perpetual improvement…

A Serial Salesman

I have sold the following in the past:

1. Soap
2. Christmas gift items for children
3. A device for optimizing fuel consumption
4. Nylons
5. Software
6. Internet services
7. My writing services
8. My consulting services
9. An online directory
I still sell 7 and 8

I am sorry; I ought to have introduced myself.

Forgive my manners.

My name is Michael Newman.

I graduated from a top – university, 22 years ago, and I have been privileged to work in different sectors (publishing, hospitality, banking, technology)...as an accountant…later I left the bean-counters and became a writer, salesman, and marketing manager.
My degree is in accounting, but I’ve had a flair for writing since I was 13.

(I thought I’d make more moolah being a bean-counter). I was bored to death! So, years ago, I went back to my first love.

My father was a researcher – so I grew up in a home where knowledge is revered. It’s not a surprise that conducting in-depth research is one of my strong skills. I will use that skill in working on your copy.

After graduating from the university, I went for a 4 month course, for entrepreneurs, and one of the areas I fell in love with is STRATEGY. I’m highly familiar with the works of Jay Abraham, Chet Holmes, Michael Porter…

Eleven years ago, I was a part-owner of a small advertising agency. Our focus was brand advertising. I was the in – house copywriter (and strategist).

Fortunately for me, around that time, I came across the warrior-forum and AWAI (they have awesome training programs for copywriters) …and I started learning about direct response copywriting.

It dawned on me that advertising is not about awards, cute slogans, ‘creativity’, and clever language…

I was enchanted by the magic of direct response copywriting…of being able to use words to elicit specific action.

Like a magic wand.

Kinda like when the pied piper had all the mice at his beck and call! You and I can arrange some words, and a horde of customers will start following you.

You’d like that kind of magic, where you’ll make out like a bandit. You’d like that.

Real magic!

Direct response copywriting lured me into a cult…of a rare group of marketers who have only one mantra…advertising is salesmanship. It’s about results.
‘We sell, or else.’

I get you results, or else.

While working on your project I will invest my whole heart and soul.
I live and sleep with words. I know they are truly magical. They are extra-ordinary.
But let’s shatter a myth: copy is the most important thing you need, to make a lot of moolah.

It is not true.

Copy, alone, will not bring in the moolah you’d like. The quality of your product, the nature of the offer, a responsive the mailing list, the media employed for the promotions are all key elements.

When you have all those in place…

…then, let’s focus on crafting copy that will release an avalanche of gold for you. And, we must measure its impact. We must.

You need someone who will not just write copy, or swipe some other promo, you need someone who understands the hidden strategy behind the copy and who can give you advice, someone who knows what makes copy work.

You need someone who has been on both sides of the table, a salesman, a marketer, and a strategist. The revered Jay Abraham says: strategy trumps copy. Trust me, it’s true.

Effective marketing and copywriting leverages research, it reflects a deep understanding of your product or service, your prospects and customers, and your competition.
Let’s compose compelling cash-generating copy for you…and open the gate to financial freedom.

Copy that sucks …or one that rocks… The choice is yours.

In your service
Michael Newman
Copywriter and marketing consultant

P. S.

So, how do we roll?

You send a detailed brief…to newmanmo2@gmail.com

Please use the subject: LETHAL WEAPON. I will respond asap.

Once we’re on the same page, then, the laser-focused rays of unfaltering devotion will be focused on your promotion. As if, you paid me $1,000.

But, this one is FREE. It’s on the house.

A limited time offer for the first 4 smart and fast marketers…

I’d quickly take some time to learn your business.

I will devote my time to understanding your product (I may ask for a copy), your target market, competing products, industry…then, I will start my magic.

The copy will not be more than 5 pages (It could be less – It’s a function of the type of copy required.) I can write in a purely formal way, too. It depends on the best way of ‘speaking’ to your target market.

Turnaround: 7-10 days (It could be less. It’s a function of the nature of the copy you’d like.)

With me, you get a pro with street- smarts, a marketing and sales background, and a strategist.

My ‘virtual’ mentors are many, but let me just share four with you, to give you an idea of the kind of company I keep. They are Gary Bencivenga, Michael Masterson, Claude Hopkins, Chet Holmes, and Jay Abraham.

You get riveting, response-boosting copy crafted for you.

Marketing is not only magical…it’s a lethal weapon!

Let’s get started now.

You’ll be glad you did.

A tsunami of abundance awaits you.