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Spent a year studying the "Titans..." Now I'm back with V2 of my letter -- What do you think?

by Mogly
14 replies
Hey guys,

For background -- I started my business about ~10 months ago, and managed to scrape by with a terrible sales letter... because I had a "starving crowd" at the time. I explained what I offered, how to get it, and why they should buy (but in very unclear, bad copy).

I asked for advice here -- you gave some awesome critiques, and I realized I was extremely interested in copywriting but really direct response marketing in general. So I spent this year reading anything I could find with the name of Kennedy/Abraham/Halbert/etc. on it.

I think I've got a slightly better grasp of copy now, but I know it's still not great.

Spent about ~20 hours so far writing and editing this version of the page... I'd love to hear your thoughts. (The design isn't finished yet... and there is a 'swipe' phrasing involved once or twice, but I think that's normal?)

Link Here

Useful info: This is the final step in my sales funnel. All traffic first goes into a 10-part autoresponder series that lasts about a month. The emails educate, build a relationship, and finally start to really explain the value of content marketing. They only hit the sales page about 75% way through this email series.

Therefore, I think the copy is good enough for "warm" traffic like above, but I really want to get to the point where my sales letter is SO good that it could do its job solo.

I would LOVE to hear your opinion... because the indirect effect of my last critique turned into a huge increase in my marketing capabilities.
#back #letter #spent #studying #titans #year
  • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
    I would suggest that you don't fully know who is your
    ideal client.

    Note, I said fully know, not an inkling.

    If you do, you'd be identifying those that are in need now
    and haven't found the right person to meet his needs.

    This is where most people mess up.
    Not talking to those that already know the benefits of what the general service is,
    which leads them droning on about things the hot and ready to buy person
    has as much interest in as spit on a pavement.

    If you were talking to the person who is hot to go,
    but can't find the right person who gives certainty
    around his outcome, then...

    You'd be addressing the one thing that nobody
    in your industry is talking about.

    One way to discover their buying code
    is to survey your list.

    If you go to the 19.20 minute mark,
    you'll find a proven repeatable and easy 3 questions
    to ask your list.

    The hottest prospects will identify themselves,
    tell you why they want it, why they haven't been able to get it
    and the language they use to describe their situation.

    All ready to be feed back to other hot to buy
    people so you can make selling effortless.


    Best,
    Doctor E. Vile
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    • Profile picture of the author Mogly
      Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

      I would suggest that you don't fully know who is your
      ideal client.

      Note, I said fully know, not an inkling.

      If you do, you'd be identifying those that are in need now
      and haven't found the right person to meet his needs.

      Best,
      Doctor E. Vile
      Checking out the video now.

      I know my ideal client -- and you're right, I'm only targeting the people that already know the benefits of blogging. I have no interest in educating people that don't already know the value.

      BUT -

      What *should* I be saying in the copy?


      "This is where most people mess up.
      Not talking to those that already know the benefits of what the general service is,
      which leads them droning on about things the hot and ready to buy person
      has as much interest in as spit on a pavement."


      You lost me there.


      If I understood you correctly -- you're saying that I should cut out the copy that's selling the benefits of "content marketing" entirely....

      Then survey my clients/list... (I'm doing this now, and will add these questions to the initial interview/consultation before the sale).

      And only write copy that addresses the specific phrases, and answers they give me.

      Incredibly smart (and I'm going to implement it right now) -- but won't that just give me better "wording" for my copy?

      I know that will help conversions...


      But how will I know how to put the sales letter together, structurally, with just a bunch of survey answers?



      Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

      You're right. It's dry and boring. You need to come out of the gate with a bang - grab your reader by the throat - with a great headline.
      Awesome -- love this.

      Knew my headline was one of the areas that needed a HUGE change... you got me thinking in the right direction now.
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Originally Posted by Mogly View Post


    I think I've got a slightly better grasp of copy now, but I know it's still not great.
    You're right. It's dry and boring. You need to come out of the gate with a bang - grab your reader by the throat - with a great headline. Your business name is the clue. You're serving up (I presume) viral blog posts. There's millions of blogs out there. Most of them go unread or only have a handful of readers. Your service produces blog posts that go viral (I presume). So your headline needs to reflect that. Like -

    Last month UnfinishedMan.com got 1.2 MILLION unique visitors to a blog post that went viral. Guess who wrote it?

    or

    What would 1.2 Million Unique Visitors to your site this month be worth to you?

    or

    UnfinishedMan.com made $10k last month from a blog post we wrote that went VIRAL and attracted 1.2 MILLION unique visitors. It cost them $150. Do you think they're happy?


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    • Profile picture of the author splitTest
      Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

      You're right. It's dry and boring. You need to come out of the gate with a bang - grab your reader by the throat - with a great headline. Your business name is the clue. You're serving up (I presume) viral blog posts. There's millions of blogs out there. Most of them go unread or only have a handful of readers. Your service produces blog posts that go viral (I presume). So your headline needs to reflect that. Like -

      Last month UnfinishedMan.com got 1.2 MILLION unique visitors to a blog post that went viral. Guess who wrote it?

      or

      What would 1.2 Million Unique Visitors to your site this month be worth to you?

      or

      UnfinishedMan.com made $10k last month from a blog post we wrote that went VIRAL and attracted 1.2 MILLION unique visitors. It cost them $150. Do you think they're happy?
      Once again, great spin from tcn.

      To the OP, my $.02 -- in the header and lead of your pitch, you can say what you're trying to say in simpler language. For example, "Nurture Leads For Additional Profit" = Turn Leads Into Profit. Switch out the $10 words for stuff that goes down easier...
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      • Profile picture of the author Mogly
        Originally Posted by splitTest View Post

        Once again, great spin from tcn.

        To the OP, my $.02 -- in the header and lead of your pitch, you can say what you're trying to say in simpler language. For example, "Nurture Leads For Additional Profit" = Turn Leads Into Profit. Switch out the $10 words for stuff that goes down easier...
        Hmm -- that makes sense.

        I knew I needed better "clarity."



        How do you write clearly without sounding generic?

        What I noticed is that a lot of copy is filled with generic-sounding phrases. Like yes it turns leads into profit, but isn't that too simple to really stand out?
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        • Profile picture of the author splitTest
          Originally Posted by Mogly View Post

          Hmm -- that makes sense.

          I knew I needed better "clarity."



          How do you write clearly without sounding generic?

          What I noticed is that a lot of copy is filled with generic-sounding phrases. Like yes it turns leads into profit, but isn't that too simple to really stand out?
          Lots of ways. Takes effort. You can use metaphors, analogies, specificity, etc. etc. etc.... but in all of it, try to use simpler language, shorter sentences, smaller words, & more personable, conversational tone.

          If you were selling to a friend, for example, would you say "nurture leads for additional profit"?... or would you say something like "Turn more leads into profit"?
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          • Profile picture of the author Mogly
            Originally Posted by splitTest View Post

            Lots of ways. Takes effort. You can use metaphors, analogies, specificity, etc. etc. etc.... but in all of it, try to use simpler language, shorter sentences, smaller words, & more personable, conversational tone.

            If you were selling to a friend, for example, would you say "nurture leads for additional profit"?... or would you say something like "Turn more leads into profit"?
            Boom!

            Now I get it, thanks.

            Really need to work on a conversational tone.

            Also going to try and work storytelling into the beginning of my copy.
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    I don't think you've quite made the case your articles are any better than other SEO article writers would submit.

    As a prospect, I would judge not just by how many clicks your articles get from the search engines, but how many shares they get on social media sites. These days, marketers want their articles shared on social media. So I'd be skeptical as a prospect, unless you could prove how viral/valuable your content is.

    Unfortunately, except for your domain name, your copy screams SEO. (And even then, you really haven't proved your articles are optimized for the search engines.)

    Can you prove those things, somehow?

    ---

    If you can, the next step is to contrast what one of your articles is worth. Give an example. For instance...

    Let's say the market is salt water fishing gear. A popular, commercial keyword in this market is worth $1. Your single article drives 1000 people to the website via SEO. So practically speaking, your article is worth $1000, assuming the marketer bought traffic via PPC.

    Yet you only charge $100/article for your basic service.

    That's a pretty good return, yes? But it gets better.

    Visitors went up because it was shared 13X on social media. Generating another 1000 visitors. That's 2000 visitors total. But once people hit the article page, additional pageviews went up by 4000. In other words, those new visitors to the site clicked on average 4000 other pages while on the website. For a total of 6000 pageviews.

    But the best part is sales from that one article went up 3% for that time period. And because it's SEO optimized correctly, sales, shares and additional pageviews will continue into the future.

    Now that $100/article seems like a deal, doesn't it?

    ----

    Basically, you'd be denominating the value of the article based upon all sorts of quantifiable metrics. Google rankings, social media shares, new visitors, pageviews and sales. Walk prospects through how to value good content.

    I hope this generates some ideas for you.

    - Rick Duris

    PS: Today, any article has the potential of going viral easily. People are programmed to like, tweet and post, if it's what the market will find valuable. I don't think you've made the case yet your article writing is of that caliber.

    PPS: The double columns of copy don't render well on mobile devices. May want to investigate that.
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Today's buyers of blog posts are getting very sophisticated as to what
      methods are used to write them.

      They read reports on Hubspot, Copyblogger
      and Reddit on how it's done.

      You have to layout how you do it
      otherwise they fell as though they are taking a gamble with you.

      Here's a blog post that took 14 hours to write.

      It goes into great detail on how a blogger used his Skyscraper method to get
      his Brand New Blog Generating 17,584 Visitors In One Day.

      That blog post has now travelled around the internet a lot,
      which further emphasis you are competing against that knowledge.

      Here's the blog post...

      Viral Marketing Case Study: How a Brand New Blog Generated 17,584 Visitors In One Day

      It's foolish not to be aware what level of blogging knowledge
      people have and not matching their expectations.

      Best,
      Doctor E. Vile
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  • Profile picture of the author Mogly
    RickDuris --

    You're right. Like Ewen said earlier... I don't really know what I'm selling.

    Unfortunately, I'm not sure if I should be selling the SEO angle, the social shares angle, the "relationship-building" through blogging angle, etc.


    I REALLY need to figure that out. And I think I'm going to by implementing the survey technique above (going to ask my clients + leads why they're interested in the service).


    Also -- you're idea about quantifying the value of each post is also KILLER. Didn't even think of comparing targeted visitors generated from a blog post VS. PPC.

    (also yeah, it's totally broken on mobile. I'm going to do design after the copy's done.)



    Ewen --

    Really appreciate it. You're spot on.

    I need to up my game, big time -- in regards to copy & value of my service -- and that's exactly what I'm going to do.

    I've already got happy clients, but it would only make my business 10X stronger and easier to grow if I boosted my deliverable to an extreme level.


    I love the nothing-held-back criticism because it's the only way I'll get real results. So thanks guys.
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    I know you want to knock it out of the park right out of the gate. Who wouldn't?

    But I think you'd be better served building a list and training your prospects how to value your work over time. Build your own blog. Show them how it's done. Teach them how to value your writing more than just standard keyword-laden SEO articles.
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    • Profile picture of the author Mogly
      Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

      I know you want to knock it out of the park right out of the gate. Who wouldn't?

      But I think you'd be better served building a list and training your prospects how to value your work over time. Build your own blog. Show them how it's done. Teach them how to value your writing more than just standard keyword-laden SEO articles.
      This is exactly what I'm doing. (Great minds think alike.)

      This sales letter is the final piece of my "funnel."

      Before that -- all leads are generated by signing up for my newsletter (basically a value-packed autoresponder series). And they also get notified of new blog posts/content I'm giving away.

      Then after around a month, they are introduced to this sales letter. So this is really just the end of the whole equation, hopefully after I've warmed the list up enough.



      angiecolee ---

      Never heard of them, I'll look into it. Sounds interesting.



      EDIT: I think I've almost got it. With a variation of what Andy posted...

      The Blogging Strategy That Fuels Sites With 1.2 Million Visitors Per Month, To Turn Leads Into Profit & Traffic Into A "Tribe"


      Also, why do you guys put quotes around headlines?
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  • Profile picture of the author Andy The Copywriter
    The copy is basically solid, by as Mal said above, dry. Your headline is much too general. You might want to use a headline that references some big success your service has achieved, something like:

    "The Blogging Service That Sent $500,000 Worth Of Viral Traffic To A Struggling Consultant And Turned Him Into A World-Renowned Expert Charging $1000 an Hour!"

    Now obviously that's just made up but I'm sure you have some examples in your portfolio that did some interesting things.
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  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    Have you read any of Jon Morrow's stuff over at BoostBlogTraffic?

    He doesn't sell content, but he sells the dream of the viral money-generating blog. You might do well to familiarize yourself with some of his stuff.
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    Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

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