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My sell later, how does it sound. Critique

by ProductVendor
10 replies
Imagine this was a personal email to my "future" email lists, and not a canned letter. How does it sound to you?
Note* Almost everything about the sell later bellow is legit. I want to reach out to my customers.


Hello my name is Nick, I've spoken to audiences from 30 to 1,500 around the world. With my authentic charisma, unique ability to make learning fun, and ability to deliver result generating content, I'm frequently one of the top rated speakers at major conferences both online and offline. I can easily get in touch with the audience and the content, delivery style leaves the audience feeling empowered and ready to demand action. My mission isn't just about teaching… it’s about creating success stories.
I sold my first business by the age of 30 and knows what it takes to be successful and love life. Most importantly, my desire are to help YOU be the success story you were put here on this earth to be. It’s my greatest obsession.
#critique #sell #sound
  • Profile picture of the author John Pagulayan
    First, format your text. Especially in email this would seem like sea of text.

    Second, the call to action was weak.

    Third, the story was too short. I mean it doesn't have to be long but it doesn't really serve a purpose in this one. Stories are incorporated in marketing to invoke emotion. If it doesn't, what's the use?

    Fourth, you should answer the question 'why are you doing this?'. You said it was your obsession but is that the only 'Why?'.

    I'm not perfect though. And I'm not trying to be mean if it did come across as such.

    But I certainly had my fair share of writing email copies for clients.

    Hope that helps.
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    • Profile picture of the author ProductVendor
      Originally Posted by John Pagulayan View Post

      First, format your text. Especially in email this would seem like sea of text.

      Second, the call to action was weak.

      Third, the story was too short. I mean it doesn't have to be long but it doesn't really serve a purpose in this one. Stories are incorporated in marketing to invoke emotion. If it doesn't, what's the use?

      Fourth, you should answer the question 'why are you doing this?'. You said it was your obsession but is that the only 'Why?'.

      I'm not perfect though. And I'm not trying to be mean if it did come across as such.

      But I certainly had my fair share of writing email copies for clients.

      Hope that helps.
      Hey, thanks for your feed back, that's the purpose of posting this after all.
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      Internet Marketing
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  • Profile picture of the author joshsiaw
    I like the fact that you're inviting your readers to become the next success story.

    However, like the previous poster you haven't given me a call to action. This could be hit reply and tell you what area I struggle with the most or something along those lines.
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    • Profile picture of the author JohnMcCabe
      Sorry, but this sounds like every other "I just want to help you" BS hero story out there.

      As written, one paragraph and I would never trust another word you said.

      Just my opinion...
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      • Profile picture of the author Alexa Smith
        Banned
        Originally Posted by JohnMcCabe View Post

        Sorry, but this sounds like every other "I just want to help you" BS hero story out there.

        As written, one paragraph and I would never trust another word you said.

        Just my opinion...
        Nope ... my opinion, too.

        To me, it sounds ridiculous, from beginning to end. It has no credibility or plausibility at all. I'd unsubscribe immediately (and most of my own subscribers would either unsubscribe or stop opening my emails altogether, if I ever sent out anything like that). The people who send out emails like that are the very same ones who end up believing that "a 20% open-rate is normal, in this industry". (Or more likely even "10%"). Sorry.

        See if this thread helps you, perhaps? http://www.warriorforum.com/main-int...ml#post6123982

        .
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  • Profile picture of the author discrat
    Originally Posted by ProductVendor View Post

    Imagine this was a personal email to my "future" email lists, and not a canned was. How does it sound to you?
    Note* Almost everything about the sell later bellow is legit. I want to reach out to my customers.


    Here's my little story
    Hello, my name is Mike, I’m one of the top 10 best internet marketing experts and a best seller. I’m here to help you kiss your job good-bye. Little known fact about myself. Helping people succeed has always been my greatest obsession. I was 29 when I got married. We now have 2 kids that we both love so much, they inspire me to never give up and help change other peoples' lives. I’ve helped well over 1,000 reach their financial goals. My mission isn't just about teaching… it’s about creating success stories. I sold my first business by the age of 30 and knows what it takes to be successful and love life. Most significantly, my desire is to help YOU be the success story you were put here on this earth to be. It’s my greatest obsession.

    Join the 1,000+ people that I’ve helped and be a success story!

    Hey ProductVendor,
    I know you may not want to hear this but if I was reading this Email I would Unsubscribe or if this was an Optin pitch I would leave and not waste my time.

    I know that sounds harsh, but it is too contrived and too hyped up.

    Is that really your goal to have "Success Stories" ? Or are you saying that because you heard this pitch worked for many Gurus in the past( it actually is not really effective anymore)

    And also you say you are one of the Top 10 best Internet Marketing Experts ? Where can I verify this ?? lol

    It just sounds like you are blowing smoke. And it really sounds amateurish. Give some kind of Fact that says you are credible. Do not just make shallow ,hyped up statements like this.

    Why don't you talk about your Life story. Your real Life story that is.

    Maybe, talk about some obstacles you had in the past and how you overcame them and why these Prospects should listen to you because of your ability to overcome these obstacles.


    Just my 2 cents.


    - Robert Andrew

    P.S. My greatest obsession is to make sure you don't make this diatribe go Live
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  • Profile picture of the author Declan O Flaherty
    It's insulting to the people on your list who've been in this biz for longer than a day.

    Even if everything you say is true, I don't believe you.
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  • Profile picture of the author RogozRazvan
    1. Zero credibility. Why should I believe anything you say? There is the concept of suspension of disbelief but this is stretching it, a lot.

    2. How are you unique? What are you bringing new to the table?

    3. Why are you doing this? Why are you helping? Why now? What's in it for you?

    The main element your copy is lacking is reason why. Reason why to believe what you've wrote, reason why to take the deal, reason why you are different, etc.

    Best regards,
    Razvan
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  • Profile picture of the author DJL
    What, exactly, is a "canned was" ?
    What, exactly, is a "sell later" ?

    Originally Posted by ProductVendor View Post

    Imagine this was a personal email to my "future" email lists, and not a canned was. How does it sound to you?
    Note* Almost everything about the sell later bellow is legit. I want to reach out to my customers.
    ...
    Signature

    None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free.
    --Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, Elective Affinities (1809)

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    • Profile picture of the author Alexa Smith
      Banned
      Originally Posted by DJL View Post

      What, exactly, is a "canned was" ?
      A "canned one" (I think).

      Originally Posted by DJL View Post

      What, exactly, is a "sell later" ?
      A "sales letter" (I think).

      In such a hugely international forum as this, English isn't everyone's first language. You've been here since 2008 and made over 400 posts without realizing this? Now's a good time to try to get used to it.

      .
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