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Another Question: Writing A Email Pitch

by volkad
12 replies
Hey all again,

I just asked a question regarding how to get emails for B2B. I have another question on how to write a quick, effective email pitch.

This is what I have currently:


"Hello,

Hope you're enjoying your Thursday afternoon. My name is ***** and I am from ***** Media. We are a Los Angeles based company that is dedicated to helping business' and brands grow their business through Social Media. We fully manage and advertise on Social Media sites such as Facebook, Google, Twitter, Instagram starting only at $99/month. So, start off 2015 by having your business' or brands social media managed by us, and watch your business grow. I look forward to hearing from you.

Thank You,"


What do you guys think? What should I add, change, or remove? I want to make sure the point of our email sales pitch makes sense, and what our company actually does with social media marketing and management.

Also, what does everyone recommend I put in the Subject of the email?


Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated. Thank you
#email #pitch #question #writing
  • Profile picture of the author debutmyname
    Personally, I don't like it. It's boring. Make that shit exciting and unconventional. Use non-boring terms like hacking social media. Focus on giving them something of value in the email (for free), instead of focusing on recruiting them to hire you.
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    • Profile picture of the author Michael Shook
      Originally Posted by debutmyname View Post

      Personally, I don't like it. It's boring. Make that shit exciting and unconventional. Use non-boring terms like hacking social media. Focus on giving them something of value in the email (for free), instead of focusing on recruiting them to hire you.
      You don't need new and exciting, in the world of non-millenials, hacking is still a bad thing.

      Copywriting focuses on making the client "think" as little as possible. All you really want is to give enough information to make their interest rise a few degrees. Its a cold mail pitch, no hyperbole, or jargon. Use cliches when you can. You are in a 7 or 8 touch model here.

      If you've got a some testimonials or a case study, you could offer to send it to them, but don't put any live links in your email. Most times, those won't work if you are using a contact form anyway.

      Don't give a price. The first one to name a number loses.

      How about something like this.

      Hello,

      Hope you're enjoying your Thursday afternoon. My name is ***** and I am from ***** Media. We are a Los Angeles based company dedicated to helping businesses grow by using Social Media. We can manage and advertise your business on Facebook, Google Plus, Twitter, and Instagram.

      Start 2015 with a bang by taking advantage of your New Client discount so you can help you business grow.

      Please give me a call at NNN-NNN-NNNN or send me a quick email to Name@Awesomemedia dot com, so we can help you start the New Year right.

      Sincerely,

      Name Name
      New Client Director, Awesome Media
      NNN-NNN-NNNN
      Name@awesomemedia dot com
      Signature


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      • Profile picture of the author volkad
        Wow Michael! I really like your rephrased email. It most definitely sounds better than the one I had, I'm going to give it a try it next email blast. Thanks again.

        Does everyone agree it sounds a lot better? OR maybe add on to that?
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    • Profile picture of the author volkad
      I think with all the "hacking" that's been going on lately. I believe that's the last adjective that should be used in a email sales pitch. It will most likely end up in their spam folder. lol.
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  • Profile picture of the author KristofferIM
    Too much about you, too little about them.
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    • Profile picture of the author BudiT
      Originally Posted by KristofferIM View Post

      Too much about you, too little about them.
      AGREED!

      ~ Budi T
      Signature

      STOP wasting your money into hypes and BS.
      Turn your traffic and subscribers into White Hot Cash!

      Continue >>
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      • Profile picture of the author volkad
        Does the email that Michael rephrased sound better? How can I state more about them than me? Aren't I selling my company and services to them?
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        • Profile picture of the author Michael Shook
          Originally Posted by volkad View Post

          Does the email that Michael rephrased sound better? How can I state more about them than me? Aren't I selling my company and services to them?
          You are not selling your services and your company in th e first email, you are selling the idea of them contacting you because you can help them. With business email you are writing to people who are busy, busy, busy all day long, so you want them to know what you are talking about right up front.
          Signature


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  • Profile picture of the author volkad
    Michael, one more thing. What do you think the Subject should be? I think that might be the most important part. So, the person actually opens and reads the email, instead of deleting.
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    • Profile picture of the author Michael Shook
      Something simple like, "Thank you", then make sure you thank them somewhere in the body of your text.

      If you've not contacted them before, you might not get a high percentage of opens, its hard to say, but the best thing to do is start, so you have something to revise if needed.

      Do you have a Facebook page?
      Signature


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      • Profile picture of the author volkad
        Okay great. Will do.

        Yes, I have a personal facebook page, and a business page.
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        • Profile picture of the author JohnMcCabe
          Originally Posted by Michael Shook View Post

          You are not selling your services and your company in th e first email, you are selling the idea of them contacting you because you can help them. With business email you are writing to people who are busy, busy, busy all day long, so you want them to know what you are talking about right up front.
          Not only that, but they are getting bombarded with similar pitches from social media managers, seo firms, web designers, and so on.

          I've also noticed a couple of IM types launching "be a high paid consultant" courses recently, so the noise level will go up substantially until the wannabes move on to the next shiny object.

          At this point, you really have no clue about your prospect, other than they have an email address or contact form, maybe a website or Facebook page. You don't know if they already have a social media person, if they've tried in the past and had a bad experience, and so on.

          IMO, this opening email is way to early to talking about new customer discounts and such.

          All you want them to do is raise their hand and consent to another contact. One good way to do this is asking them to ask for your case study, white paper, etc.
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