Warriors - tear apart my sales letter (I'm re-doing it)

[Chris Thompson]

Hi everyone,

A few months ago I got a TON of useful suggestions from Warriors to improve the first sales letter that I used on my website. I made changes that definitely helped improve conversion. But I know I still have a ways to go.

I'm going to me re-doing the letter completely, and using a new layout. I'm currently using a WordPress theme that I did a lot of style sheet adjustments to. I have now purchased (the awesome) FlexSqueeze theme and I'm going to use it. So the new layout will be 650 pixels wide (very standard for sales letters). Right now I'm about 860 wide (too wide).

So. Please have a look at my letter and nit pick on everything. No holds barred. I'm going to seriously re-do this and I want all of your opinions.

Now: A few of you will probably say "test !!!". I will. I don't quite know how to do it yet in Wordpress but I'm committed to learning how to use Google Website Optimizer.

My site is here:
Dealing with Terrible Twos, Toddler Tantrums, and Child Behavior

Things that I know I'll get slack for:
1) too much headline stuff going on up front. I need to have a main and a sub, that's it. I know. Ideas on copy are welcome!

2) The page is too wide. I know.

3) Colors - I know not everyone will agree here, and I think it needs to be tested, but I'm open to your opinions on what OTHER colors to test out. Right now I'm using light blue with some words in light orange for emphasis.

But otherwise, what about my copy? What is great and should not be changed? What sucks and needs major improvement? What's unclear or foggy? What turns you on or off about the page?

I look forward to all of your feedback.

[scattered]

Just skimming the content I've noticed a whole lot of punctuation errors. I don't think it is just me, I know a lot of people stop what they're reading to, "WTF?" when they come across errors.

Examples- Do these things cause you stress? AREA
Some sentences end with periods, some don't. You need to properly close out each sentence.

This line, "That’s a fancy way of saying that I know how to use words to make people feel differently about things, or to persuade them. "

I don't know, most of the stuff regarding the content I pick out is usually grammar/punctuation/spelling.

I know you did not ask for design help- But your testimonials look horrible. The font you chose does not look good on that light blue background and strains my eyes. Try something more rounded rather than sharp.

edit-
I found this redundant:
Nobody seems to be telling you exactly what you need to do to end the fighting and screaming. That’s what makes me so different. I show you what to do, I give you tons of examples and I make it easy.
Most articles that I’ve read are the equivalent of talking about how to bake a cake without showing you how to use a measuring cup, or how to set the temperature on the oven.

Incorporate the "Most Articles" bit before you expose that you give the reader tons of examples and make it easy

[rosetrees]

I'm a hopeless copywriter - I don't have a clue - so don't take my word for this, which is just my view as a reader.

I would suggest you establish your credentials sooner. Why should I, as a stressed parent, grandparent, carer, listen to YOU? Put that before the fold somehow.

[Michael Oksa]

Hi Chris,

I only got through the first paragraph, but here are my comments and suggestions.


I think the colors and width are fine.


In general, try highlighting more text in the paragraphs. They look a little long the way they are, and bolding, italicizing, or even some yellow highlighting will help make it look more interesting.


I don't like to see pop-ups right away. There's no reason for me to sign up before having a clue about you or your offer. Delay it, if possible, for a minute to give people a chance to get some idea of WHY they should sign up. Or, set it to pop-up after they try to exit the page. Or, include a form right on the page.


Suggestion for new pop-up text: My name is Chris Thompson and I created "Talking to Toddlers" to help you deal with your kids ages 2 and up. �Sign up below now to get your free lesson. It includes three important tips for calmer kids you can put to use immediately.�


Also, it lists 1771 Readers By Aweber - I think counters like that look tacky. May be okay for a blog, but in the context of the pop up, it's irrelevant.

From The Father Who Teaches Parents How to Reduce Parenting Stress

Language Expert Shows You How to Reduce Parenting Stress

Discover the Secrets of Getting Your Children to Do What You Want. From Age 2 Beyond Age 6 … This Stuff Simply Works.

Discover the Secrets of Getting Your Children to Listen - Without Tears or Tantrums. Starting at Ages 2 and Up. These Tricks Work Like Magic.

In my audio course you will learn exactly how to use words to prevent tantrums, and get your kids to do what you want…

The Talking to Toddlers audio course gets your kids to do what you want.


-----> WHY should they do what YOU want? Thought: For their SAFETY and ???. You don't want to convey the idea that you are messing with impressionable minds, instead appeal to the parent's desire to want the best for their child.

Do the terrible twos have you stressed out? Is your 4-year old’s behavior driving you nuts? Are temper tantrums a regular event in your house? Maybe you find yourself pulling out your hair because your kids are out of control? Do you feel guilty because you yell at your kids even though you love them tons? My audio program will give you the tools you need to fix these problems forever. The best part is that your kids will want to do what you ask. You’ll all be much happier, and the screaming can stop.

Do the terrible twos have you stressed out? Are temper tantrums a regular event in your house? Do you feel guilty because you yell at your kids even though you love them?


I know - it used to be like that in my house, too. But then I (EXPLAIN BRIEFLY WITHOUT REVEALING TOO MUCH). In the Talking to Toddlers audio program I share the tools you need to fix these problems forever. The best part is that your kids will *want* to do what you ask. Imagine how much happier your home life will be when the screaming stops.

All the best,
Michael

[Chris Thompson]

Guys - thanks a million for the suggestions so far. They are all great. I'm excited to get to work on this after the canadian long weekend is over. Maximizing my conversion rate is a top priority now and it will help my affiliates as mug as it helps me.

Keep the suggestions coming!

[Chris Thompson]

Thanks for the suggestion. I'll do that. I didn't know there was a copywriting forum.