Honest analysis of a couple of my article samples...

heatwave13 · 08-13-2009, 02:52 PM

Hey there Warriors,

I need a few of you all to give me some honest, basic feedback on some writing I've done on the subject of nutritional benefits of coconut oil. I hope the format turned out alright, since I had to convert it from my Text Edit .rtf style over to Doc.

JohnMcCabe · 08-13-2009, 03:58 PM

I read both articles. I've seen worse, but both articles would benefit from a good proof reader or editor. There are instances where you've chosen the wrong word - one example is a passage about the "affects" of the oil, when the correct word is "effects."

You also have a penchant for long, run-on sentences. Leaning more heavily on the period and going light on the commas will liven up your writing.

You've made a good start, now you just need to clean them up.

Side note - you might want to consider posting plain text or PDF files in the future. Many people are rightfully worried about macros in .doc files.

heatwave13 · 08-13-2009, 04:05 PM

John, thanks for the input. This is just what I need to hear.

Steve Baker · 08-13-2009, 04:58 PM

I agree with John, particulary with the nutrition article - the sentences go on too long and for a skimmer type reader like me, it was hard to keep going.

On the positive side, your intro into the oil article drew me in with your story. I have found stories to be a great way to engage the reader with my copywriting.

Hope this helps
Steve

heatwave13 · 08-13-2009, 05:12 PM

Steve, thanks for that insight. I have these and many others that I am practicing with. You're feedback will help me to make improvements for my future writing career.

Thanks!!,
Frank

Hasan Barbary · 08-13-2009, 05:51 PM

I also read the first article and scanned the second. I must agree with the previous two reviews ~ WAY too many run-on sentences. Combined with the large number of nutrition-specific terms, I fear you will lose most of your audience with the articles as is. In short, they are too dense.

The good news is that you seem to really know your topic. There's a ton a info presented: 589 words in the 1st article, 1056 in the 2nd. I suggest you break this up into 3 or even 4 separate articles. Much easier to digest (pun intended

).

When I write my first drafts, I always use 1.5 or double spacing. It makes visual editing much more effective.

Finally, always consider your target audience: are you trying to promote a coconut-oil product to health food experts, or average Internet searchers? If your goal is article marketing --> affiliate sale, I suggest less jargon, more benefits and personal anecdotes. You have a nice style, just don't let it get buried under all the details.

Shorter sentences, shorter articles.

Hope this helps,

~ hasan

heatwave13 · 08-13-2009, 06:01 PM

Hasan, yes, thanks for the advice here. I can use these suggestions on my very next articles that I produce. It's very important to consider the audience.

Everyone, thanks helping me out here. It's always great to have another set of eyes!!

Zeus66 · 08-13-2009, 06:13 PM

Another vote for the previous recommendations, with another one...

Work to develop a conversational writing style. In most cases, this will serve you best. The exception being technical/medical writing. When you speak to people, you typically use shorter sentences. You pause a lot too. That means don't be afraid of white space and short (2-3 sentences) paragraphs.

The idea is to convey useful information as though you're the reader's friend, not his/her teacher.

John

08-13-2009, 03:58 PM	#2
JohnMcCabe Happy Hooker War Room Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: North of the Peace River, Southwest Florida, USA. Posts: 8,069 Thanks: 2,948 Thanked 4,933 Times in 2,631 Posts Social Networking	Re: Honest analysis of a couple of my article samples... I read both articles. I've seen worse, but both articles would benefit from a good proof reader or editor. There are instances where you've chosen the wrong word - one example is a passage about the "affects" of the oil, when the correct word is "effects." You also have a penchant for long, run-on sentences. Leaning more heavily on the period and going light on the commas will liven up your writing. You've made a good start, now you just need to clean them up. Side note - you might want to consider posting plain text or PDF files in the future. Many people are rightfully worried about macros in .doc files.
	Salad is not food. Salad is what food eats... -- The REAL PETA, People for Eating Tasty Animals "I did not fight my way to the top of the food chain to eat tofu!"

08-13-2009, 04:05 PM	#3
heatwave13 Warrior Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Chattanooga, Tennessee, USA. Posts: 24 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Social Networking	Re: Honest analysis of a couple of my article samples... John, thanks for the input. This is just what I need to hear.

08-13-2009, 04:58 PM	#4
Steve Baker "Offline Dinosaur" War Room Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Gods Country Posts: 209 Blog Entries: 1 Thanks: 59 Thanked 22 Times in 18 Posts	Re: Honest analysis of a couple of my article samples... I agree with John, particulary with the nutrition article - the sentences go on too long and for a skimmer type reader like me, it was hard to keep going. On the positive side, your intro into the oil article drew me in with your story. I have found stories to be a great way to engage the reader with my copywriting. Hope this helps Steve

08-13-2009, 05:12 PM	#5
heatwave13 Warrior Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Chattanooga, Tennessee, USA. Posts: 24 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Social Networking	Re: Honest analysis of a couple of my article samples... Steve, thanks for that insight. I have these and many others that I am practicing with. You're feedback will help me to make improvements for my future writing career. Thanks!!, Frank

08-13-2009, 05:51 PM	#6
Hasan Barbary Man on the Move... War Room Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Philadelphia, PA Posts: 145 Thanks: 56 Thanked 31 Times in 21 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Honest analysis of a couple of my article samples... I also read the first article and scanned the second. I must agree with the previous two reviews ~ WAY too many run-on sentences. Combined with the large number of nutrition-specific terms, I fear you will lose most of your audience with the articles as is. In short, they are too dense. The good news is that you seem to really know your topic. There's a ton a info presented: 589 words in the 1st article, 1056 in the 2nd. I suggest you break this up into 3 or even 4 separate articles. Much easier to digest (pun intended ). When I write my first drafts, I always use 1.5 or double spacing. It makes visual editing much more effective. Finally, always consider your target audience: are you trying to promote a coconut-oil product to health food experts, or average Internet searchers? If your goal is article marketing --> affiliate sale, I suggest less jargon, more benefits and personal anecdotes. You have a nice style, just don't let it get buried under all the details. Shorter sentences, shorter articles. Hope this helps, ~ hasan
	{*sig break*}

08-13-2009, 06:01 PM	#7
heatwave13 Warrior Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Chattanooga, Tennessee, USA. Posts: 24 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Social Networking	Re: Honest analysis of a couple of my article samples... Hasan, yes, thanks for the advice here. I can use these suggestions on my very next articles that I produce. It's very important to consider the audience. Everyone, thanks helping me out here. It's always great to have another set of eyes!!

08-13-2009, 06:13 PM	#8
Zeus66 John Schwartz War Room Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Near Dallas, TX, USA Posts: 3,734 Thanks: 1,660 Thanked 3,336 Times in 1,179 Posts Social Networking	Re: Honest analysis of a couple of my article samples... Another vote for the previous recommendations, with another one... Work to develop a conversational writing style. In most cases, this will serve you best. The exception being technical/medical writing. When you speak to people, you typically use shorter sentences. You pause a lot too. That means don't be afraid of white space and short (2-3 sentences) paragraphs. The idea is to convey useful information as though you're the reader's friend, not his/her teacher. John