Something wrong with my salesletter ??

[NetInvestor]

Hey warrior,

just launched my new product... a friend of mine said he made test and said convertion ist 7%.

Now after launch there are only two sales.

Can you please take a look at it and say if something wrong?

::::::: Affiliate Marketing Guru :::::::,earn money online

Thanks for your help.

Cheers,

Patrick

[R Hagel]

Hi Patrick,

I didn't look at the letter. That's because I wanted to get some more data from you. Specifically:

1. How much traffic are these conversion rates/sales based on? (e.g., XXXX amount of traffic and XX number of sales)

2. What are the traffic sources?

Cheers,
Becky

[Lance K]

Well, to start with you'll probably want to edit the title tag of your page. Not necessarily a conversion issue, but it looks bad.

Also, the diagonal stripes in the background at the top are VERY DISTRACTING/ANNOYING!!!

The next thing I notice is the uninspiring headline. Was it tested?

Anyway, I'd move this thread to the copywriting forum. You'll get plenty of critiques/advice in there. Some of it may be blunt, but it'll be honest.

[eidoan]

There's broken images. It looks poorly made, especially in IE, looks a little better in Firefox. There's words that have white backgrounds but the rest of the letter has a grey background. Maybe try Verona or Trebuchet MS for the font instead. Some of your graphics are low quality GIFs, make them 100% JPGs instead.

Those are the only problems I see. Hope this helps.

[NetInvestor]

Originally Posted by R Hagel

Hi Patrick,

I didn't look at the letter. That's because I wanted to get some more data from you. Specifically:

1. How much traffic are these conversion rates/sales based on? (e.g., XXXX amount of traffic and XX number of sales)

2. What are the traffic sources?

Cheers,
Becky

hey becky,

1. 100v= 7 sales

2. adwords, social bookmarking, google, newsletter mailing and many more (i dont realy know howmy affiliates do promo)

Thanks for your time.

Cheers,

Patrick

[JohnMcCabe]

I didn't read the whole letter, just skimmed the beginning. Here's what I saw...

It's all just so unrealistic...

It's Disinformation At The Highest Level...


I Fell Into The Exact Same Trap...

About that time, I found myself heeding my reading and getting the hck out of there...

[A. Green]

On John's theme with the headlines, maybe I'm just odd, but when I saw "Warning: Abandon..." the next words that came to mind were "all hope ye who enter here." Maybe something like "it's time to rethink" would be better. Oh, I'm sorry, I have to cut this short. I think my electricity is about to go out. In any case, I second John.

[JesseT]

I'm by no means a copy writer so I will stick with what I know. You have a long list of plain looking content. My first suggestion would be to add a border around your text and then a gradient background or something. Right now it looks like you just rushed and threw a site together. Make it look like a professional site. You'd be surprised at how much a professional looking site will change your bounce rate.

[Ashley Wright]

Headline Headline Headline, Its meant to catch the readers eye, personally that doesn't I didn't read it all just skimmed through, maybe simple but the background image behind the headline does not help either
On the right you need to remove the testimonials, and add it later on into the body of the copy.
Take more time and look at other sales pages for inspiration but obviously not copy

[Chris Stigson]

First of all, as a copywriter, there's just way too much giong on at the top... I was like, what should i read first and nothing really caught my attention, AT ALL, except some "confusing stripes" that didn't really help...

The headline really has no "BIG promise or oomph"...

It's "off center" has no images in certain places, and it starts off feeling like I'm goign to get sold something, which I don't want to be, and it seems to be "diffuse", not clear.

Other than that it is pretty good lay out.. Try some more Yellow, bold, etc And move to 12, 14 arial on the text if you can.

- Chris

[linkedinlincoln]

NetInvestor,

I don't know you, so if I'm wrong, I apologize, but it looks to me like you're trying to pull a fast one.

You hot linked to your landing page, using anchor text with your primary keywords on a high pr site. This looks like BlueFart seo 101 to me. Why wouldn't you just put your url in [code] tags?

If you are in fact looking for honest advice, my advice is to question your friend. I don't believe the 7% number. There is literally not one legit offer in 'biz-opp' converting @ 7% from cold traffic, especially at a $77 price point.

Just my .02. I could be wrong. (I am a lot ) because if I'm not, this was pretty un-cool in my book.

Cheaters never prosper.

-Kathy

[AidanKay]

These are just my personal opinions.

But the main body text should be centered. To me it just looks a whole lot neater, but the nagai nmaybe I just center text too much, lol.

Behind the body of text should be something to make it stick out, to contain it, to stop the reader from thinking they're reading an endless sea of text. Just the simple drop shadow on either side at about 15 - 20 px out from the edges of your text should do it.

The headlines, but they've been mentioned.

The testimonails being on the side.. but they've been mentioned.

Your page title looks.. distracting. Plus there is a random comma in there.

I've always trusted sites that have a favicon. Maybe it's because it looks like more effort has been put in. Just create a favicon with your ebook as the image, or perhaps something more recognisable and unique. Tons of free favicon generators on the web.

The black thing down the bottom with the 'order' button. Too contrasting. The white text on a black background like that sorta gives me a headache. My opinion.

I haven't read anything, that's just all the stuff that stuck out to me.

There is still other stuff like the broken image down the bottom, but I'm not going to keep repeating what others are saying .

-Aidan.

[JohnMcCabe]

Kathy, Patrick deserves the benefit of the doubt on this one.

If you paste a naked URL into a post, the forum software retrieves the page title and uses that as the anchor text. If you take a peek at the source code for Patrick's page, what you see here is what's in the title tag.

Originally Posted by linkedinlincoln

NetInvestor,

I don't know you, so if I'm wrong, I apologize, but it looks to me like you're trying to pull a fast one.

You hot linked to your landing page, using anchor text with your primary keywords on a high pr site. This looks like BlueFart seo 101 to me. Why wouldn't you just put your url in [code] tags?

If you are in fact looking for honest advice, my advice is to question your friend. I don't believe the 7% number. There is literally not one legit offer in 'biz-opp' converting @ 7% from cold traffic, especially at a $77 price point.

Just my .02. I could be wrong. (I am a lot ) because if I'm not, this was pretty un-cool in my book.

Cheaters never prosper.

-Kathy

[NetInvestor]

Ok,

thanks to all your replys.

Just changed some things.

Maybee you can take a look at it again.

::::::: Affiliate Marketing Guru :::::::

Thanks for your help.

Cheers,

Patrick

[NetInvestor]

hey,

There is no problem not knowing me.

I´m not going to shoot out an fast "anything".

I worked hard to get to this point.

I planned this launch 3 month. got a listing on jvnotify aso... everything is result of my hard work.

But maybee this is my problem "Noone knows me".

Cheers,

Patrick

Originally Posted by linkedinlincoln

NetInvestor,

I don't know you, so if I'm wrong, I apologize, but it looks to me like you're trying to pull a fast one.

You hot linked to your landing page, using anchor text with your primary keywords on a high pr site. This looks like BlueFart seo 101 to me. Why wouldn't you just put your url in [code] tags?

If you are in fact looking for honest advice, my advice is to question your friend. I don't believe the 7% number. There is literally not one legit offer in 'biz-opp' converting @ 7% from cold traffic, especially at a $77 price point.

Just my .02. I could be wrong. (I am a lot ) because if I'm not, this was pretty un-cool in my book.

Cheaters never prosper.

-Kathy

[Magic Mel]

I will say this much, your header and your headline do nothing to motivate me and majority of your prospects, to read the rest of your sales letter.

Header- "learn my easy step by step affiliate marketing secret"

Can I ask why people might want to learn from you? People are selfish, they want end results, they want proven plans, systems. You see, your headline, should motivate people to read on, and peak their curiosity.

Your headline- "forget everything you know about affiliate marketing, it's time to rethink"

Where is the benefit in this headline? Where is the end result? Where is the promise? You don't give any indication as to why, we need to forget about an affiliate marketing system/process that we already know about.

Having a strong headline, is key to having your copy read, work on this and you can have better results.

This is the first line of improvements -- that you need to make, after that then, you can work on the body and other adjustments that need to be made.

Cheers,
Magic

[Mike Anthony]

Hi Netinvestor,


Headline problems as mentioned - Big problems. People new to copywriting think they have a whole page to convince readers. You don't. You have that one headline. The visitor decides from there to read on or leave. I normally go through scores of rewrites but since the headline is so unengaging even something off the top of my head might be better especially since on this rare occasion I am suggesting headlines for free. These are all based on your approach in the sales copy.


CAN YOU LIVE WITH THREE MERCEDES BENZS BUT NO ROLLS ROYCE?
The practical down to earth cash system for the no longer average Joe (or Jane).

DEAD ENDS WERE MEANT TO BE JUMPED OVER. JUMP OVER THEM INTO A PILE OF CASH.
How to Avoid the Make Money Online Guru Trap and Make Solid Consistent Cash

You second header isn't that bad. So if you want to stay with the guru confrontational theme -

LOOK OUT! WHO NEEDS GURUS? LET THEM EAT CAKE.
A *Fail Proof* Profits System covering The Secret Strategies They Use To Rake In Millions Of Dollars...

Don't need to take any of them. Just rough stuff offered in case it sparks any of your own ideas. Oh - if you are going to keep the theme of bashing Guru products (and some need to be bashed) then it might help not to identify yourself as a guru as you do in your domain name - kind of a contradiction.

[Loren Woirhaye]

I don't think your salesletter is polished enough to sell a $77
product.

I think it's generic and goes too far bashing the "big guys"
(which I don't think is wrong, but here I don't think it's
done artfully enough).

Your bullets are not bad but it takes a lot of reading to
get to them. I've seen all these claims on lots of affiliate
marketing products of course, but I'm much more jaded than
yoru buyers are likely to be.

People will scan of course, but the top
section of the letter is... well, shrill.

That's a writing tone issue, and a turn-off to many readers.

Your guarantee isn't visually isolated and emphasized.

Your story about all your hate mail is unpersuasive. I'm also
unpersuaded that your course is "really worth" $800.

You're selling an ebook too, right?

If not you need to talk about the benefits of learning through
your teaching format.

Your margins are too narrow. Use 30-60 px on the edges.

I don't agree with use of red for all sub-heads. Use it
on your headline if you want, but you've reduced it's impact
here by using it for all headlines and sub-heads.

The ebook cover is kinda cheesy and generic... since you're
a big-shot who earns $600 a day I'd expect you to spring for
a nicer cover. Just my opinion. If you are going to make
direct claims about your expertise and prosperity your copy
and graphics should reflect that... or very plain-jane to
emphasize your "old-school" values a-la Dan Kennedy, Yanic Silver.

The sub-heading on your mast-head, in a graphical font, is
very hard to read. "Affiliate Marketing Guru" is pretty
generic, even unimaginative, don't you think?

You have some weird stuff going on with font sizing. Check
your cross-browser HTML compliance.

Again, it's a matter of polish. you also haven't distinguished
this product effectively from the affiliated marketing pack,
but aside from the issue of a generic sales message, priced kind
of on the high side, for a product that seems kind of similar
to a lot of others... well, aside from these issues you've
got the seed of a decent letter. It just needs a lot of
work... and take the "I" out of it and start focusing on
your reader... as in "YOU".

Hope this stuff helps you get on track.

[NetInvestor]

Originally Posted by Mike Anthony

Hi Netinvestor,


Headline problems as mentioned - Big problems. People new to copywriting think they have a whole page to convince readers. You don't. You have that one headline. The visitor decides from there to read on or leave. I normally go through scores of rewrites but since the headline is so unengaging even something off the top of my head might be better especially since on this rare occasion I am suggesting headlines for free. These are all based on your approach in the sales copy.


CAN YOU LIVE WITH THREE MERCEDES BENZS BUT NO ROLLS ROYCE?
The practical down to earth cash system for the no longer average Joe (or Jane).

DEAD ENDS WERE MEANT TO BE JUMPED OVER. JUMP OVER THEM INTO A PILE OF CASH.
How to Avoid the Make Money Online Guru Trap and Make Solid Consistent Cash

You second header isn't that bad. So if you want to stay with the guru confrontational theme -

LOOK OUT! WHO NEEDS GURUS? LET THEM EAT CAKE.
A *Fail Proof* Profits System covering The Secret Strategies They Use To Rake In Millions Of Dollars...

Don't need to take any of them. Just rough stuff offered in case it sparks any of your own ideas. Oh - if you are going to keep the theme of bashing Guru products (and some need to be bashed) then it might help not to identify yourself as a guru as you do in your domain name - kind of a contradiction.

Hey mike,

thanks for your answer,

and also thanks for your headlines... you´re right i´m realy no good copywriter... will your headlines motivate visitors to read the hole page?? I´m not sure...i bought many ebooks and courses and meand my headline was good... and i would still read more when i see this page... maybee i´m wrong.

so if you have time tell me more.

Thanks.

Cheers,

Patrick

[Mike Anthony]

Originally Posted by NetInvestor

and meand my headline was good... i would still read more when i see this page... maybee i´m wrong.

First rule. If enough objective people tell you you are wrong and your close rate says the same then you are wrong. No one ever makes good money by resisting their customers. In someway they go along with them or they go out of business. You asked opinions in this thread and almost everyone has told you your headline is not good. You should be happy. Thats easy to fix.

No one can say what headline will work for you. Thats why there is testing. Basically thats where you are at. You "test" is not showing the conversions so you have two choices: You can admit to yourself that

A) Either your sales page is no good or
B) Your product is no good

If its A then they are not reading through and don't really know all you have to offer and if its B they are reading through and they don't like your product or what you have to say about it.

Your pick but if after everyone telling you that your headlines are not good you still think they might be good there's no real reason for anyone to spend any more time telling you anything more. We all have our own businesses to run.

[Jillian Slack]

I skimmed a bit of it, but got bored and left.

When I first started reading it, I realized that I had no idea if you were talking to me or someone else.

It starts out with you saying, "I... I... I..." but you need to rethink the sales letter in terms of:

* What problem does your site visitor have?

* How can you solve their problem?

Another thing to think about is you've got people who read word-for-word and people who skim. People who skim will read the headlines and subheads without reading the copy between them. If someone reads your subheads on this sales letter, they're left with nothing but negative statements. Use your subheads to say things that will encourage the reader to continue reading. Make promises here. Tell them what you are going to tell them.

Take some of the info from "Here's my objective," rework it, add to it, and move it up toward the top. This sounds like a start on how you will solve the site visitor's problem.

Where is your opt-in box? You've just lost everyone who MIGHT have been interested but was not yet ready to buy.

[NetInvestor]

Originally Posted by Mike Anthony

First rule. If enough objective people tell you you are wrong and your close rate says the same then you are wrong. No one ever makes good money by resisting their customers. In someway they go along with them or they go out of business. You asked opinions in this thread and almost everyone has told you your headline is not good. You should be happy. Thats easy to fix.

No one can say what headline will work for you. Thats why there is testing. Basically thats where you are at. You "test" is not showing the conversions so you have two choices: You can admit to yourself that

A) Either your sales page is no good or
B) Your product is no good

If its A then they are not reading through and don't really know all you have to offer and if its B they are reading through and they don't like your product or what you have to say about it.

Your pick but if after everyone telling you that your headlines are not good you still think they might be good there's no real reason for anyone to spend any more time telling you anything more. We all have our own businesses to run.

Thanks again mike,

i have to clearify things here. I´m not saying i dont need help because my headline is perfect. I´m here to learn something from you. I´m still pointing out facts and problems with my salesletter.

I can´t say how happy i´m that persons like you what to help me, because it´s a fact that everyone has still his/her own online bussiness.

I still think it´s a) and i´ll take time to fix this problems.. but it´s so many.

so any more points to think about??

cheers,

patrick

[NetInvestor]

Originally Posted by Jillian Slack

I skimmed a bit of it, but got bored and left.

When I first started reading it, I realized that I had no idea if you were talking to me or someone else.

It starts out with you saying, "I... I... I..." but you need to rethink the sales letter in terms of:

* What problem does your site visitor have?

* How can you solve their problem?

Another thing to think about is you've got people who read word-for-word and people who skim. People who skim will read the headlines and subheads without reading the copy between them. If someone reads your subheads on this sales letter, they're left with nothing but negative statements. Use your subheads to say things that will encourage the reader to continue reading. Make promises here. Tell them what you are going to tell them.

Take some of the info from "Here's my objective," rework it, add to it, and move it up toward the top. This sounds like a start on how you will solve the site visitor's problem.

Thanks for this advise. i´ll try to change the "negatives" and the "i - problem"

Originally Posted by Jillian Slack

Where is your opt-in box? You've just lost everyone who MIGHT have been interested but was not yet ready to buy.

My problem is that i´m useing butterflymarketingscript. when i now try to use my instant popover i get no results and only errors on my site. i have no 3rd party autoreponder and try to use the form of BFM doesnt work.

but thats the next problem i´ll solve...

thanks,

Patrick