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Will It Float? Please Critique My Landing Page

by Infinite Shades of Grey
17 replies
Hey Warriors-

*deep breath* This is going to be my first product launch, and I'm going live in just a few days. All the pieces are there, they just need to be linked together. But first, I wanted to get YOUR feedback.

Please be honest (and specific so I know what to fix or improve). Don't worry - I can take a punch.

Thanks!

Total Bully Solution
#critique #float #landing #page
  • Profile picture of the author Johnathan
    Being straight up... it looks a bit amateurish... now whether people will buy is another thing, I'm not sure... Also... in the video one of you guys look like you have a smirk on your face... if someone is being bullied and they saw that kind of face, they'd probably think you were a jerk and would not want to hear what you have to say.
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    • Profile picture of the author Tyler Pratt
      I think the page looks good, but what kind of market is there for this?
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    • Profile picture of the author Jacer
      Originally Posted by Johnathan View Post

      Being straight up... it looks a bit amateurish... now whether people will buy is another thing, I'm not sure... Also... in the video one of you guys look like you have a smirk on your face... if someone is being bullied and they saw that kind of face, they'd probably think you were a jerk and would not want to hear what you have to say.
      Similar thoughts here. Text format needs work. Opt-in box is way too big, and needs reformatted. I entered my email address...but nothing happened. No email, no redirect to another page. Do you use an auto-responder? How is the visitor going to purchase? Is there a separate order form?
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      • Profile picture of the author Infinite Shades of Grey
        I totally appreciate you taking the time to have a look and offer your views.

        Johnathan- The two guys in the video are former students of mine (i thought that was clear). It's a credibility element to demonstrate that Ive been doing this successfully since forever.

        Tyler- According to my keyword research, there's a huge market. But 90% of the people in this niche are marketing programs to the school systems. My Unique Selling Proposition is that I can teach a parent how to teach their own kid.

        Jacer- I'll pass your input to my web designer. I'm going to use Mailchimp as the auto-responder service (its free until your list grows past 500). I haven't configured it yet.

        This is just the landing page - after a prospect gets the free report link via email, they'll be given an opportunity to take advantage of a big discount on the One Time Offer sales page. You know, build a relationship before hitting them with a pitch.
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        • Profile picture of the author R.Rapp
          Oh, I didn't realize they were your students. Naturally blonde!

          I have a suggestion since that is the case. I would appear on screen first, and introduce your students.
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  • Profile picture of the author R.Rapp
    I think you put a lot of time into this, and overall its a nice, well thought out landing page. I think the video sounds a bit scripted though. It would sound much better if it seemed more natural than rehearsed. Maybe throw the script away - don't try to remember it just talk!
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  • Profile picture of the author HealthBuff
    Hi there

    Congratulations. What a great topic. I sincerely believe that once you link to the hundreds of children, sports and school web sites I think you will be on a roll.

    Yes a bit of polishing wont go amiss. Compare your site to other sites related to children and compare the laylout. Your site doesn't need to be big just tidy and aligned.

    check your web name in

    The W3C Markup Validation Service for coding errors.

    Best wishes for every success.
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  • Profile picture of the author Infinite Shades of Grey
    HealthBuff- thank you for your positive energy and the protocol link. I've done my best to create the absolute best product in this niche and am convinced that it will be the turning point in the lives of a lot of kids.

    R.Rapp- clearly, if you and Johnathan both didn't understand that those kids were my students, I DO need to intro the clip with an introduction - maybe just a text screen shot (and if I dig around, I can probably find pix from one of their belt tests when they were children).

    What else would make it better? Anyone?
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  • Profile picture of the author crunch
    like the content, not the layout. I would tighten everything up and get some decent graphics onto it.

    landing / sales pages need to be attention grabbing, and considering your subject, perhaps hard hitting??

    a great way to see how far graphics and design has come is to check out the creatives
    put out by cpa offers.
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    • Profile picture of the author Kevin Alexander
      I love the idea, the content, the niche...

      But, honestly, the site does look very amateur. The formatting (text and blocks) is all over the place..

      (If it were me) I would try to keep everything above the fold, ESPECIALLY the optin box.

      Put the keypoints in a bullet style

      Ex.
      • The most comprehensive, practical and effective anti-bully program ever developed..
      • It combines irresistible psychological tactics, enriching principals of personal development...
      • Secrets culled from decades of intense martial arts experience...

      Also, make your visitors want and NEED to Opt In... "Free Special Report" (again, in my opinion) does not... How about something like:

      The ONE Thing Your Child Can Do TODAY, and Not be Bullied Tomorrow! (again, just an example)

      Just a couple thoughts....

      Kevin
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      • Profile picture of the author Infinite Shades of Grey
        This is exactly the kind of feedback I had been hoping for.

        As far as the design goes, I have to take the hit for that. My web designer followed the parameters I'd set for him.

        Necessary Corrections:
        * Make sure the code is compliant

        * Take some of the air out in the headline section, as well as move the body text up closer to the video

        *Use bullet points in the second paragraph

        * Add some kind of intro to the video

        * A more dynamic call to action (great idea, Kevin.)

        * Shrink the opt in box down to size.

        As the videos are shot and edited, I'll ditch the written report and offer a free sample lesson compilation clip.

        Question: Do you think the formatting fixes will be difficult or time consuming?
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      • Profile picture of the author cash365
        Originally Posted by alexanderkr1 View Post

        I love the idea, the content, the niche...

        (If it were me) I would try to keep everything above the fold, ESPECIALLY the optin box.
        i think you already have the most important parts you have to re-do in your list, BUT i didn't see the optin box above the fold in the list. this is VERY important. this redesign should not take an hour to do!

        i have no clue if the niche works, but as a gut feeling i can tell you that it must be great: if i had a child, i wouldn't doubt a sec to educate myself how to protect it from bullies!

        as a photographer i would suggest a different background alltogether for the video, such as a wall, maybe with the diplomas, but which does not visually distract so much from the subjects, and i would definitely include you as the EXPERT of the product in the center of the video, if this is doable. i also think that the sound of the video is not too good, the accoustic of the room resounds...

        i wish you luck with your launch and with your health!
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  • Profile picture of the author Kevin Alexander
    Got a little present for ya...

    It's a template of a video squeeze page...

    Enjoy..

    http://www.ilexcom.com/simple_but_good_squeezepage.rar
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  • Profile picture of the author kyhell
    i have a concern with the .info
    is ther a .net or .com
    that you could use?
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  • Profile picture of the author Allurre
    I think the video needs a retake.

    Your delivery needs to be more natural, and it doesn't come across as genuine to me. Relax, I know it takes practice, but give it more attempts -- you'll also pick up experience on the way.

    Remove the photo at the very bottom, minimize the opt-in box.... and use the same font consistently throughout.

    Just compare your page to a professional one and try match up to it in terms of layout.
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  • Profile picture of the author bwh1
    You definitely should use a different template. The one Alexandre gave you is great, and test an adjusted version in 1020 width to avoid the scrolling to see which does better.

    - Stronger call to action for the signup, maybe you only ask for the email to make it easier.

    - Video size a little too small

    - PLEASE get a reliable Autoresponder such as AWeber or similar. You will thank yourself for starting on the right foot with this.

    G.
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  • Profile picture of the author Infinite Shades of Grey
    I know this is a "launch and learn" process - but having a map to success sure beats the "hope and luck" strategy. Everyone's input is terrific.

    *Alex- thank you so much for your generous gift. I'll give it to my webdesigner today.

    *kyhell- my former business partner owns the .com - he went through a life melt down and vanished. I'm trying to contact him to get it transfered.

    * Allure - the guys in the video are former students of mine who started training when they were young children. (I'm the guy in the picture with the blond girl). I will add an intro to the video or a caption under it to further clarify that. (there's also a version with some subtle techno music in the background - maybe that would be better)

    *bwh1 - I would certainly prefer to use aweber. they have a special right now where the first month is only a buck! but to take advantage of that, I'd need a credit card,and after my 3rd (or 4th?) hospitalization last year, that's not an option.

    *** So a little extra time spent on the front end will save time and aggravation down the road. Ill get this stuff worked out. I cant wait to hear what the comments are going to be on my sales page! :-)
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