Are you kind enough to criticize me?

12 replies
So... it is my second sales letter.

I know it is imperfect but at least I apply A.I.D.A

I'm not quite confident in my story though, I believe there are lot of grammar mistake and maybe sometimes sounds funny. That's because English isn't my first language.

So, what do you think awesome warrior? Especially you who experienced in copywriting.

Any advise will be greatly appreciated.

Oh, almost forgot... here is my sales letter. Blue (red) link to sales letter.
#copywriting advice #criticize #kind
  • Profile picture of the author webapex
    I didn't read every word, you mifgt start with something stronger than the early history in the first several lines.

    If you want to be more grammatical, maybe:

    Avoid being one of the 90% of Affiliates
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    • Profile picture of the author TomVa
      First I liked it, but you have some type o's But this is me just skimming and I suck at grammar and spelling so I'm not knocking you bro.
      "Soon I realize that write articles in any topics to getting massive traffic is not the answer of getting big commission"
      Shouldn't that be Soon I realized that writing articles.
      ---------------------------------

      And Here's Come My Second Problem..."
      shouldn't that be and Here comes

      -----------------------------------------

      Problem #2: Whenever I drive traffic to my merchant landing page, I feel win and lose at the same time.

      merchants landing page

      -----------------------------

      Don't get it
      I feel win and lose at the same time.

      I could go on and on but other then that it looks good, I take it English isn't your primary language? If not you may want to hire someone that is! Just my two cents.
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      • Profile picture of the author Syamsul Alam
        Originally Posted by TomVa View Post

        First I liked it, but you have some type o's But this is me just skimming and I suck at grammar and spelling so I'm not knocking you bro.
        "Soon I realize that write articles in any topics to getting massive traffic is not the answer of getting big commission"
        Shouldn't that be Soon I realized that writing articles.
        ---------------------------------

        And Here's Come My Second Problem..."
        shouldn't that be and Here comes

        -----------------------------------------

        Problem #2: Whenever I drive traffic to my merchant landing page, I feel win and lose at the same time.

        merchants landing page

        -----------------------------

        Don't get it
        I feel win and lose at the same time.

        I could go on and on but other then that it looks good, I take it English isn't your primary language? If not you may want to hire someone that is! Just my two cents.
        Hm... thanks a lot.... it is greatly appreciated...
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    • Profile picture of the author Syamsul Alam
      Originally Posted by webapex View Post

      I didn't read every word, you mifgt start with something stronger than the early history in the first several lines.

      If you want to be more grammatical, maybe:

      Avoid being one of the 90% of Affiliates
      Thank you very much....

      Can you read another headline and give me more of your advice? I'll be happy if I can make my headline not sound funny when somebody read it.
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  • Profile picture of the author Syamsul Alam
    I do not hire someone because:

    - I want to learn about copywriting. It is valuable skill, if I keep learning, trying, failing, fix try again, I'll soon get better on it.
    - My teacher said that it is better to write your copy by yourself because you know better about your product.
    - I do not have much money to spend on hiring copywriter.
    - I'm just selling $7 report. It shouldn't be that hard. If I can't pass on this, I can't sell much higher price product in the future.

    So I write it by myself...
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  • Profile picture of the author JonWebContent
    Here's some constructive criticism........

    "Fact: 10% of Affiliates Get 90% of Commission"

    I will be honest, if I came across your site and that was the first thing I saw, I would be gone right away because you would have confused the heck outta me.

    But if I stuck around the read on.......

    Discover Four Ideas that You Can Implement Today to Avoid being 90% of Affiliates that Fight Over 10% Left Over...

    I would be even more confused.

    Don't worry! I actually think overall you did pretty good, you just need to clean up the grammar in a few spots so that it is less confusing.
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    • Profile picture of the author Syamsul Alam
      Originally Posted by JonWebContent View Post

      Here's some constructive criticism........

      "Fact: 10% of Affiliates Get 90% of Commission"

      I will be honest, if I came across your site and that was the first thing I saw, I would be gone right away because you would have confused the heck outta me.

      But if I stuck around the read on.......

      Discover Four Ideas that You Can Implement Today to Avoid being 90% of Affiliates that Fight Over 10% Left Over...

      I would be even more confused.

      Don't worry! I actually think overall you did pretty good, you just need to clean up the grammar in a few spots so that it is less confusing.
      Haha... it is fine... You don't know how excited I am getting my second sales letter fixed before I launch it to public.

      But, how should I fix those headlines? Any ideas?

      EDIT: I just my fix my "Discover Four Ideas that You Can Implement Today to Avoid being 90% of Affiliates that Fight Over 10% Left Over..."

      into:

      Discover Four Ideas that You Can Implement Today to Avoid being One of the 90% of Affiliates that Fight Over 10% Left Over...
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      • Profile picture of the author JonWebContent
        Discover Four Ideas that You Can Implement Today to Avoid being One of the 90% of Affiliates that Fight Over 10% Left Over...

        It's still too confusing and WAY too long. I just tried to say that all in one breath and I am now winded!

        How's about something like this..........

        "90% of Affiliate Marketing Revenue is Generated By 10% of Marketers"

        and then.....

        "Want to Know the Secret to Becoming a Part of the 10%?"

        and then......

        "I Discovered Four Simple Methods ANYONE Can Implement..."

        etc...
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  • Profile picture of the author mandark
    Obviously there are the grammatical and spelling errors, only some of which others have pointed out (use MS Word spellchecker or a proofreader.. bad grammar is a turnoff for many customers).

    Another thing is that I think one of your big selling points is the $7 price.. but you don't mention it until the very end! I'd include it closer to the top.
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    • Profile picture of the author Syamsul Alam
      Originally Posted by mandark View Post

      Obviously there are the grammatical and spelling errors, only some of which others have pointed out (use MS Word spellchecker or a proofreader.. bad grammar is a turnoff for many customers).

      Another thing is that I think one of your big selling points is the $7 price.. but you don't mention it until the very end! I'd include it closer to the top.
      I believe that there is no spell error in my copy. I use MS word spellchecker and it says fine. It is machine you know, can't be compared by real human.

      I'm looking for proofreader software right now. Would you mind suggesting me one?

      Thanks for your advice. I'll find a way to placing my $7 price higher. Or mention it sooner.
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    • Profile picture of the author KEY
      since I came in late...I missed some of the earlier
      things that are already being fixed.

      I (personally) would change to something like:

      Fact: 1 out of 10 Affiliates are Getting 90% of the Commissions!

      Who wants to be one of the remaining 9 and fight over the leftovers?
      I know I don't!

      Discover Four Ideas that You Can Carry out
      to become that 1 Afilliate TODAY

      it is late, so I will not have time to look deeper until tomorrow
      night. in general it looks good, but is quite long for a $7 product.
      generally the lower the price the shorter the sales-letter.
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      • Profile picture of the author Syamsul Alam
        First of all.... thanks guys, thanks a lot... when they said the warrior forum is the best forum, they didn't lie.

        Originally Posted by JonWebContent View Post

        Discover Four Ideas that You Can Implement Today to Avoid being One of the 90% of Affiliates that Fight Over 10% Left Over...

        It's still too confusing and WAY too long. I just tried to say that all in one breath and I am now winded!

        How's about something like this..........

        "90% of Affiliate Marketing Revenue is Generated By 10% of Marketers"

        and then.....

        "Want to Know the Secret to Becoming a Part of the 10%?"

        and then......

        "I Discovered Four Simple Methods ANYONE Can Implement..."

        etc...
        Nice one Jon...

        Hm.... FYI, I've come up with this. I'm not sure if it is good, but it is sound right for me.

        <h4>Fact: 10% of Affiliates Get 90% of Commission</h4>

        <h1>Discover Four Ideas that You Can Implement Today to Avoid being One of the 90% of Affiliates, Who Fight Over 10% Left Over...</h1>

        <h2>Four Rapid Ways to Getting More Sales and Build Your Own Business, Even If You Promote Other People's Product!</h2>



        Originally Posted by KEY View Post

        since I came in late...I missed some of the earlier
        things that are already being fixed.

        I (personally) would change to something like:

        Fact: 1 out of 10 Affiliates are Getting 90% of the Commissions!

        Who wants to be one of the remaining 9 and fight over the leftovers?
        I know I don't!

        Discover Four Ideas that You Can Carry out
        to become that 1 Afilliate TODAY

        it is late, so I will not have time to look deeper until tomorrow
        night. in general it looks good, but is quite long for a $7 product.
        generally the lower the price the shorter the sales-letter.
        I'm actually want to make it short copy. But I don't know, I come up with 3000 words copy. And I said to myself:

        "well, I don't care. I'm gonna put it up so it can start making sales, even if it is suck."

        And your advise is greatly appreciated!!
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