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I would Love a few critiques...

by Mad Dawg
15 replies
Hey guys, I just launched my new product and marketing funnel for it. It involves a video squeeze and then email marketing with links to the actual sales letter.

I could use a few critiques on my letter, but I'm more interested in hearing what you guys think about the video squeeze. I think the letter is looking pretty good.

Could a few of you watch my video and tell me, would it motivate you to sign up?

the video squeeze is at How to Seduce Women, How to Attract Women, How to Meet Women

If you want to get adventurous the letter itself is at How to Seduce Women, How to Attract Women, How to Meet Women

Thanks in advanced warriors. It's always appreciated and I owe you all so much! (once i finally make it in IM i'll give back x 10 i swear!)

Regards
#critiques #love
  • Profile picture of the author JonathanR
    If I was in the market for this, I would enter my name and email.

    I've been debating for awhile if the squeeze page is better than just taking them straight to your pitch. Have you tried both? Which works better?
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    • Profile picture of the author Mad Dawg
      Jon,

      I really think it depends on the niche. My sales process was originally to just send them to the page, and I saw low conversions (very easily could have been the copy though, which im continuing to work on)

      However, i thought with my particular niche that getting them to see my seminar, and therefor proof that i knew what i was talking about, would boost conversions. It's sort of those "this guy talks the talk but does he walk the walk" kind of things.

      Other niches like IM niche, maybe a proof of earnings video and a good sales letter is all you need.

      Thats why i think it depends on the niche really

      Thanks for taking a look, much appreciated!
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    Noah,

    I was quite impressed with your copy, but I am by no means an expert.

    Here are my thoughts:

    Your headline needs a bit of work. It didn't quite grab me. The idea behind it is good but it needs re-wording to flow a little better.

    Secondly, your benefits run on a bit. The point of benefits is that they're short, sharp, and powerful. Yours read like mini-paragraphs, which probably won't perform nearly as well.

    Having said that, the page looks damn good, and you've used pretty good copy in the body of the letter, as well as a lot of power words.

    Try changing the format of your testimonials. They're not really eye-catching at the moment and you want them to be.

    Also I think it would help if you clarified your USP a bit. This is the main problem in my eyes with the copy, actually - it's all there but needs a bit of polishing and sharpening before it will really suck in the cash.

    -Dan

    DISCLAIMER: I pay other people to write my copy for me... so I am certainly not a copy expert (as much as I try to be). Take my thoughts with a grain of salt.
    Signature

    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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    • Profile picture of the author Mad Dawg
      Thanks a lot for your critique too dan. I agree that my benefits do run on a bit and I will definitely address that. Also, I guess my USP would be that I've been there, where they are, and have spent years to improve myself and achieve what they are hoping to achieve.

      So i guess i have to just state that a bit more boldly somewhere in the letteR?

      thanks again!
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    • Profile picture of the author Allurre
      I'm actually launching a product soon.. but it isn't about seduction.

      I'll actually be selling a game which i can't reveal about yet..

      However, I give points to your layout, it's clean and simple, but you may need more information, more valuable and compelling content.

      Hit me up, maybe we can joint venture.

      My email: andrew.wang07@gmail.com

      Btw, who designed your site?
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      • Profile picture of the author Mad Dawg
        my site is designed by minisite911.com, oki does a nice job but i think is swamped with work for right now

        thanks for the critiques all
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  • Profile picture of the author Allurre
    I see, and which package did you buy exactly? the total makeover?
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    Noah,

    That's not really a USP. Everyone in your niche would use that.

    A USP is like "Outspoken surfer guy" (Jason Moffatt) or "Heart Surgeon Philanthropist" (Dr. Mani) or "Zen Redneck (Paul Myers).

    You see what I mean? It's something that differentiates you and helps you stick in the minds of your prospective customers.

    I am working on it myself, and this is only information I've come by recently. But I hope this makes things a little clearer.

    -Dan
    Signature

    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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  • Profile picture of the author Floyd Fisher
    Kurt:

    You need to tweak your page so the video and the signup form appear 'above the fold' so people don't have to scroll down to find it.

    To accomplish this, I would drop the headline, and merely have the video start when the page loads. Why do you need a headline when the video can do the job for you?

    -Floyd
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  • Profile picture of the author Jonathan 2.0
    Banned
    I think it's a good sales page. You'll definitely get a good percentage of sign-ups. And I would probably sign up. Although it's a lot of work what I'd do is write a headline something along the lines of: "If You Would Like To Know The Secret Men Who Are Confident With Women Only Share With Their Close Friends, And Why I'm Giving It Away, Then Watch The Following Video..." That's not particularly good, I know.

    The point is to entice them with some useful, practical content. Or even something which they didn't know before arriving at your website. Something which isn't common knowledge. Solving/addressing/ their biggest fear would be good. Supposing there's something that they can apply immediately or will really appreciate and you don't mind giving away. Then give them the information in the video and recommend that they sign up for your newsletter.

    And just so you know I'm not an expert. Far from it. So take my opinion with a grain of salt. I mostly just read a heck of a lot. This approach is something I learned from Eben Pagan. Basically giving away valuable stuff. And if it's not something you want to test at the moment then perhaps you can use it another time.
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    "Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity."―Joseph Sugarman
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    • Profile picture of the author Mad Dawg
      Dan,

      Oh, i get it now. Well my USP then is that I work in a popular bar and im the "bartender seductionist". That has allowed me to fully immerse myself in the dating game and spot all the mistakes guys make every night. I'll make that more clear, thank you.

      Floyd,

      Thanks for the advice, It's above the fold on my screen but i forget a lot of people use lower resolutions than I do.

      ZigZag,

      Thanks for the comments, I'll definitely give my headline a revamping

      Thanks again all, great stuff!
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    Noah,

    I think that will work really well. It definitely stuck in my mind.

    -Dan
    Signature

    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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    • Profile picture of the author goindeep
      Damn Good Man!

      Its almost flawless...

      Personally i dont like the headline on the sales page, i much prefer your video squeeze headline. Theres just something about it, i think its the "sexy" part i dont like. Men in general dont wanna be sexy unless they are models i think.

      I know i would rather look "good", "handsome" or "cute" instead of sexy. Women are sexy not men.

      Second, you need to sell yourself more. You have done the right thing by looking at your life carefully and picking out the bits where you where surrounded by women(in the bar) but you must sell yourself as the expert or they simply wont buy. The fastest way to do this is to read as many similar reports and to blow your own horn, hey even if you have only slept with say 10 women say something like "i have slept with more women than you can imagine!" because if they are reading your report they probably havent slept with any.


      Other than that great job dude.
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  • Profile picture of the author Mike Hill
    Very nice squeeze and I think it's a smart idea sending them to the seminar to instantly eliminate any of their objections as far as "Who's this dude and does he really know what he's talking about" so good on ya...

    I think if you send killer autorespnder messages that further reinforce you and your product and of course sell it, you should do well with it.

    Mike Hill
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  • Profile picture of the author JOhnny Depth
    It won't motivate me.
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    I make money blogging with entertainment tonight.
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