I need your thoughts on my first sales letter, please.

[cashtech29]

Hello everyone.

(This is not a promotion).
I have written my first sales letter and I need your input.
It took me about 2 working days total to complete.
I know that probably seems like a long time but remember, this is my
first time out.

The page is here: Blazing PLR
Any gentle feedback would be helpful.
Please don't crush the spirit of the man who writes..lol

Thank You so much for your support.

[Jamie Iaconis]

Hi,

Sorry, I don't like it...

* Too many different fonts
* Too much white space in parts
* Too many different sizes
* Too much color in parts
* Too many different colors in parts

You need to make it more simple, it's way too complex at the moment!

Jamie

[CurtisN]

Hi,

I hope you don't mind feedback from a new Warrior. I noticed three things off the bat: the headline, the crazy fonts, and the huge amounts of spacing. The latter two are self-explanatory, so I'll explain the first one. The headline is hypey and would probably turn off many newbies who are usually skeptical. It seems to guarantee an instant business and profits...perhaps a more effective headline would describe what's being offered instead of presenting possible results.

Good luck,
Curtis

[Steven Carl Kelly]

I liked the video. However:

Too much white space for me. Too many different fonts, styles, and too many different colors makes the page feel "pieced together" rather than a single, flowing presentation.

The headline didn't do anything to draw me in at all, and the tagline under your "Blazing PLR" logo in the header graphic was completely lost. I only read it after re-reading the page several times.

Finally, I'm not sure what the compass in the header is supposed to represent.

Sorry if I sound too harsh, but those are my reactions to the page after viewing it about three times.

Steve

[tomw]

Originally Posted by faxinator

I liked the video. However:

Too much white space for me. Too many different fonts, styles, and too many different colors makes the page feel "pieced together" rather than a single, flowing presentation.

The headline didn't do anything to draw me in at all, and the tagline under your "Blazing PLR" logo in the header graphic was completely lost. I only read it after re-reading the page several times.

Finally, I'm not sure what the compass in the header is supposed to represent.

Sorry if I sound too harsh, but those are my reactions to the page after viewing it about three times.

Steve

Have to agree with Steve. He said it all really AND very kindly, in my opinion.

Thomas

[learnmore]

cashtech29,
From the outline it seems that you have good content.
Now onto feedback specific to your sales letter, this is just my sincere feedback and hope it helps:

1. The contents of the course should be in a bullet point list and in not in so many colors. You may want to use an alternating row format. Like grey and white to give it a "professional" look.

2. The font in the list of topics is too thick and not easy on eyes.

3. Blue color in general is for hyper links or something a user can click on and go to another page or site. You may want to change the color on blue non-link text to something else.

4. You can save lot of space by removing extra spaces after reformatting.

5. You may want to group all main heading first so one can get an idea of what's included and provide the links to videos next to them, for example:

1. Article Marketing - link to the video with graphics
2. Clickbank Review Blogging
3. E-Mail List Building
4. ...

6. Missing testimonials? If this is a brand new product, you may want to add something generic like "market research suggests that new business lose in first two years or something on those line"

7. The overall background color, again doesn't seem easy on eyes, This is just my opinion.

Related to sales letters in general (nothing to do with your sales letter):

I'm not criticizing your sales letter but "sales letters" in general. But addressing other warriors who may chime in and leave their feedback on my questions.

This may be the "usual" sales letter format and probably geared towards certain audience, but don't you think any time you see a similar looking sales letter, it's just speaks out loud "This is yet another run of the mill sales letter like the million out there on the Internet."

I know testimonials are important but should a sales letter contain 10 videos that take time to load and user has to scroll 10 pages down (on the same one page website) , by hitting page down 10 times to get to the price and place to order.

May be this is the stuff that excites the common Internet user who's out looking for quick way to do whatever but I think the layout and format could be different for sales letters.

Have you seen a different looking sales letter somewhere for a good-priced product, please share?

[Adam Kenzington]

I took a look and I got an "Index" of the parts of a website. The site isn't showing up.

Maybe you are working on it.

[cashtech29]

This is great feedback folks, and I thank you kindly.
It sounds like The right idea is there, I just need to clean it up and tweek it out.

I'll be back...
...Shouldn't take too long.
EJ

[cashtech29]

Yeah, I re-named the "Index" in order to start to work on it.

I'll leave it up for a little longer to get some more feedback.

Thanks again.
Every little bit helps.
EJ

[cashtech29]

Okay folks, I'm back new and refreshed.
The link is still up in the very first post.
I've totally given it a new look like you suggested.
Pretty much started over from scratch with everything,
including most of the text and wording.
The reason I don't have any testimonials in the copy is
because it is so new and know one has really had the
chance to try it out yet.
Other than that, it is complete.
Your feedback earlier gave me much inspiration

Thank you so much for your opinions.
they are very much appreciated.
EJ

P.S. You'll notice that I took down my signature earlier.
Can I put it back up know?

[Spotted_Doe]

I'd remove all the blue and yellow boxes and make them bullet points and every other one is bold to help set it apart and create definition.

There are a few yellow boxes like the one starting with "my staff" that are very hard on the eye. Choose a different color.

Consider making the background white instead of gray. It will give it more light and a lighter feeling.

As for the letter itself, be sure to remove 'I' where it isn't necessary. If you're telling your story, obviously you'll want it in there, but at the top of the page (before the video) it says "Just See What I Have To Offer To You." People don't care what you're offering, they care what they're GETTING, so tweak it there and throughout the page. Perhaps "Just See What You're Getting Below!" You also want it in present tense (vs. 'see what you'll be getting').

Hope that helps!
Do

[Jamie Iaconis]

Hey man, ok, much better than before...

But still, let me say...

Those blue and yellow boxes need to be changed.

Other than that, it is alot better.

Maybe just make it a table with one bg color
and list all the software inside the box.

Also... try to shrink it down, it is quite big!

Jamie

[cashtech29]

Sounds good.
I'll get on it first thing in the morning.

Thanks again
EJ

[ndcole78]

Your headline is too weak and it's not enticing enough. You have less than 10 seconds to convince the reader to keep reading and I was ready to leave your page in like 3 seconds. Don't take that the wrong way though.

Your intro needs to connect with the target audience better. Basically, the letter needs to be re-written. Don't get me wrong, it's not all garbage, but your current letter won't provide you with the conversions you're looking for simply because it's just not compelling enough.

I suggest that you hire a good copywriter to rewrite the letter for you. If I can do anything to help, just let me know.

To your success!

[WinsonYeung]

Change the background of your sale letter to white instead. (not the outside background) Combination of white and black is cool,

[Ian Jackson]

The website equivalent of "kitsch" comes to mind

yes, imho, just re-work the goods

hth

[cashtech29]

Well...
I'll take that with a grain of salt Ian.
Thanks for the reply anyway.

[Clark]

Edmond, I'm your target market so I could care less about the esthetics of your sales letter 'cause I'm not buying your sales letter, I'm buying your offer which appears to over deliver considering the meager price you set... this is not a complaint but recognition for a job well done with creating an irresistable offer.

I need to know about your Guarantee which I don't see anywhere on the page.

Also, I need to know what niche or niches you will cover and at what frequency will the site be updated with fresh content.

Will there also be PLR videos? I need these desperately! (hint, hint to those creating PLR membership sites)

Terrific effort overall as I'm sure those 250 spots will be snapped up in a hurry.

I don't give a damn what anyone says as I am writing this from the position of becoming a future customer of yours and not from an unproven authoritative position based on personal unscientific opinion.

Testing the elements of your sales page is the only feedback you should zone in on to improve your CR with your target market.

[cashtech29]

Thanks for the reply Winson.
I went ahead and changed it, along with some of the
heading, I think that's about it... I hope. lol

[cashtech29]

How Very true Clark.

As you can see, the video vault is a training vault.
Members who are starting out on the first level do have access to each and every video in the training vault, for viewing purposes.
The "Resellers" vault consists of hundreds of materials pertaining to a very wide variety of subjects. From Internet Marketing topics, health dieting etc, etc.
(You can view the video).
They come with various resell rights, such as PLR, MRR, resell rights and personal use rights. (There is new content that is added several times a month. We notify them of each update to their members area).
Both the "Resellers Vault" and the members "video viewing vault" are immediately accessible when one purchases for the one-time-payment listed in the sales copy.
Once inside the members areas, One will have the opportunity to upgrade their membership
to "Elite" and after their first payment, they will have immediate access to the rights of every video in the vault, and we add at lease two new video series each month.
This "Elite" membership is a monthly recurring membership.
The payment for each month is less than what one would useually pay each month
for just one set of video series on any given topic.

There are many Sets of PLR videos in the bunch along with with MRR.
You can put your name on the PLR Videos, re-brand them with your own text or affiliate links etc, etc... Each video folder pack comes with a list of rights.

Hope this helps.
As these products come with verious resell rights, they do have a 60 day guarantee but
we would obviously frown on those who will go in, download and then call for a return of their money.
If they started doing that, we would simply leave click bank find another paynemt processor and
offer no guaranty at all, do to the nature of the products.

If you have any more questions about how it works, Please PM me because
I'm not sure how Admin would feel about me going into details in a post like this.

Better to be safe than sorry
EJ

[Clark]

Thanks Bro!

Don't worry, this forum is about how to make money so as long as we're on topic then there's no worries besides, we don't know each other and I have a genuine interest which you were kind enough to answer for me.

I know you've made changes to your sales letter based on the feedback provided by others however, I want to stress the importance of testing the page elements results before making changes based on your target market's actions.

It's easier than you think.

Did you know that you can offer your Elite membership as a WSO while testing the effectiveness of your control page as you make timely changes to improve CR percentage for only 20 bucks via WSO section?

Here's the teaser about the WSO split-testing software:

Do you monitor the conversion rate of your WSOs?

The script link is located in the War Room under the subject "You Are Out Of Control In Your WSO Offer...Free Software & Videos" (sorry, I'm not permitted to share it outside of the War Room).

By running a WSO, you will know for sure what pulls and what doesn't for your market with the most discerning buyers in the IM market and also have a shot at exposing your affiliate program.

Despite what others may say, there is no such thing as a one size fits all sales letter template... Let your market be the judge of that and you'll be surprsed at what they want and don't want through their actions.

Cheers!

[Steve MacLellan]

You know what?

First-off, someone designed you a great template. From the template it looks like it was ecoverbox.com - very nice work...

Then you, or someone you hired, went ahead and ruined it by adding the (more or less) gray background, when the template was designed to work with a white background. In most cases where you display images such as arrows, boxes, CD's, -- you had someone who did the html markup that didn't know how to change the background color of these images so that they would fit in with your site. So, in most cases... the images displayed through-out the sales letter are more of a distraction than an enhancement.

And while the fellow you bought the template from is great at graphic design, he doesn't know a whole lot about html markeup (if he's the guy who added the sales copy). Mark-up "borrowed" from his site:

<div align="justify" class="style4">
                        <p><font size="3">In The World of Internet Marketing &quot;First Impression Counts&quot; and people do Judge a product by its looks. Internet Marketing is a fierce market but you can win it by giving your website the professional look guaranteed to increase your credibility.</font></p>

                      </div>

(The above mark-up isn't written by anyone who understands html/css)

LOL... don't be so quick to dismiss my comments. I mark up html sales letters for Dr. Paul Hartunian, Bob Serling and Yanik Silver, to name a few...

You should use one color for headlines, one color for sub-heads, and the fonts can be the same or different. But the main text of the website should be one font (serif or sans-serif) and the size of the font should be pretty much the same through-out the sales letter -- text decorations (such as bold, italics and underline) need to be used sparingly (only to place emphasis) and underlined text should be used even less. People viewing web pages think that underlined text is something to click on, so the more you use underlined text (that isn't clickable) the more you will confuse your readers.

As one scrolls through the letter to where the section, starting with "**Article Marketing** " appears, the complete balance (if it hasn't been already) is thrown-off by the bold bullets with a "huge gaps between their teeth" and images that don't compliment the design of the template. From this section on, the whole thing seems to scream of amateurism and really lacks any credibility.

When you pick up a magazine and browse through the articles... how many different font sizes and colors do you see? What's the spacing like? How are the images placed? Do the images fit with the design of the pages? How many articles do you see with a gray background? Just because the "norm" is easily changed when marking up a web page, doesn't mean you should do it... you need to focus on "readability".

Very few people are going to get to the bottom of your sales letter because you are forcing them to make constant adjustments with the spacing, font sizes, colors and un-comforming images. This has the adverse affect of making them want to be some place else , rather then enticing them to read more. And... all they have to do is click the "x", on the top right-hand corner of their browser, and your sales letter is gone -- along with your sale.

So you need to have someone who understands these things mark-up your sales page. Before you think I'm making a pitch for my services -- think again. I'm not taking on any more clients at this time. I'm simply trying to help you with advice from my experience.

Good Luck,
Steve MacLellan

[cashtech29]

Well Steve, I have know one else to blame but myself.
Rather than have someone else write my sales copy, This time, I thought I'd do it myself.
I compiled all of the content for the membership site, built the members areas,
drew up the sales copy, did the audio voice-over for the video
and soon will begin
to market the product, once I work out all the bugs.
I had made some changes to the sales copy just after you looked at it but just before you posted.
I'm mid way through with making the corrections that you mentioned and already I see the difference.
(I am posting the changes to the web, little by little as I go.. know one knows about it yet, so it can't hurt.).
My biggest challenge will be to re-work the video items list table.
I myself, have always seen that to be a problem.
I think I'll take it down and apply some other ideas that I have been
mulling around the old noggin.

My skins pretty thick Steve.
I do appreciate your frankness.
It gives me yet another challenge to work on.
I've already toned down a lot of the fonts and man, what a difference already.
You thank that could explain the headaches that I've been having lately? lol...

Thanks again to everyone for the feedback...
This is really awesome...
EJ

[Raydal]

Originally Posted by Jamie Iaconis

Hi,

Sorry, I don't like it...

* Too many different fonts
* Too much white space in parts
* Too many different sizes
* Too much color in parts
* Too many different colors in parts

You need to make it more simple, it's way too complex at the moment!

Jamie

I agree with Jamie. This about summarizes the formatting errors that you
are making but the bottom line is that the page is too FANCY AND COMPLEX.

You message is getting drowned in all the distraction. You should also keep
you main text within 600 px. with a padding of at least 25 px. All those
bullet points that are bold should be 'unbolded' and you need some white
space around your headline (use larger fonts) so it can stand out from the
rest of the letter.

-Ray L.,

[Rob Canyon]

cashtech29,

Everything has a goal, it might be said that the purpose of a headline
is to get people to scroll down further...

I think you're number one goal is to get people to click on the video
because its pretty dam good.

So my suggestion is to treat it like the headline,
get it above the fold,
and get people excited enough to click on it...

I think that should be your number 1 goal.

Cheers,

Rob

[havplenty]

Whilst its not a bad start for a newbie i found the multiple font types confusing.

You need a simpler layout and more consistency with font.

Focus on the sales message and less on the aesthetics.

[cashtech29]

points well taken folks.
Thanks for the compliments and critiques.
By this time tomorrow I should have it all wrapped up.

Clark, I need more time to really evaluate this warrior special offer forum.
I was always under the impression that the only products that could be sold were
those that the product was solely made by the author.
and not something along the lines that I have.
EJ

[cashtech29]

Thank You to everyone who offered their input.
Like I said, normally I have always had my sales copies written
by someone else.

You were right.
For such a product, The first one was a real bomb.
Not looking for any critiques, just wanted to say thanks.
EJ

[mikemcmillan]

Hi! Hey, actually I think your site looks pretty good.

As an ebook publisher, and--especially as an affiliate marketer--I would be looking for ebooks to offer as bonuses to offer visitors if they buy through a link on my site. Now, while I see the titles of your products I don't wee any box covers shown for the ebooks. No matter how good the ebook is, without a graphic to represent it--it is no use to me.

I would consider showing box covers for a few of the ebooks. People are visual. Like I said, without seeing a cover graphic I have little interest in buying the product. I don't htink you need to do this for every ebook you have, but I wold concider doing it for a few--it would make me much more likely to buy. Good luck!!!

[cashtech29]

Nice input mike.
I am definitely considering some images to put
in the sales copy.

Although, this really is one whopper of a deal,
considering all the video that is included with the one-time-payment.

Thanks again.
EJ

[Makabongwe Maseko]

Nice graphics and spoil t by the fonts.

Try changing your fonts can it will be OK.

[cashtech29]

I like the fonts.

I think were done here.