Sales Letter Review Please

15 years ago

My (brutal) feedback ...

First instinct is "B.S." Second instinct is "What makes you different than the million of other seduction marketers on the market?"

Personally, if I'm going to take dating/seduction advice from someone I need solid proof that he knows what he's talking about. There's no proof elements on your salesletter *at all.* No testimonials, no videos of you with girls, no story of why you're credible.

Also, your salesletter has no headline. It has five headlines conflicting for attention, which means you have no headline. A headline should immediately draw my attention and tell me what the benefits are of reading your salesletter. In this case, there's five things competing for my attention simultaneously.

My 2 cents.

Thanks
2 replies

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ggross

15 years ago

Thanks Derek,

And don't worry about being brutal, that is what I want.

Your points are well taken.

Originally Posted by Derek Pankaew

My (brutal) feedback ...

First instinct is "B.S." Second instinct is "What makes you different than the million of other seduction marketers on the market?"

Personally, if I'm going to take dating/seduction advice from someone I need solid proof that he knows what he's talking about. There's no proof elements on your salesletter *at all.* No testimonials, no videos of you with girls, no story of why you're credible.

Also, your salesletter has no headline. It has five headlines conflicting for attention, which means you have no headline. A headline should immediately draw my attention and tell me what the benefits are of reading your salesletter. In this case, there's five things competing for my attention simultaneously.

My 2 cents.

Thanks

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granola 15 years ago

The headlines are overwhelming.

Each one on their own is not so bad, but try to combine them into one intriguing benefit laden headline and then followup with a less aggressive how and why subheader, just enough to get them to read on...

The rest of the sales letter was pretty good.

Get some testimonials and explain what makes you the man and you're good to go

I would add a little more value to your newsletter, $17 is like, so what...

my 2 colones...
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steve m

15 years ago

Shouldnt your headline have a full stop in or something is a little much to take ia all in one breath. also center your opt inf bit, it looks odd to the left. Also like the above poster get some testomnials on there too. better then my first attempt though ha ha

Steve M

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ggross

15 years ago

Thanks Steve.

Originally Posted by steve m

Shouldnt your headline have a full stop in or something is a little much to take ia all in one breath. also center your opt inf bit, it looks odd to the left. Also like the above poster get some testomnials on there too. better then my first attempt though ha ha

Steve M

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Live

15 years ago

Hi Gary,

I read your letter the same way I normally read any sales letter. I read the title, and if it intruiges, I read on, otherwise... well, I came back here. Sorry!

First up, the title needs to be shorter and more clearly worded. As it stands it runs long enough that by the end of the sentence I'd forgotten the start. Below I've pasted it again with the sections that I feel are superfluous in [square brackets].

"How to [be a Beast at the Club &] Easily Ask Any Girl [You Come In Contact With] On A Date [Anytime You Want] Without Fear Of Rejection or Stress!"

I'd also focus on what your potential customers want. In this case it's not even that they want a lack of "Fear of Rejection or Stress". What they *want* (I'm guessing) is to feel confidence, and to have the girl they want to date say yes.

If they're shy (as your target market seems to be assumed from the title) their most believable first success is asking one girl out rather than every girl. It's also more emotionally powerful to focus on a specific example than a vague generality, which is why I'd recommend talking about THE girl rather than "any" girl.

On that note, heres my take (without having read past the headline ;o):
"Learn the Secrets of How to Ask Out the Girl You're After,
so Confidently and Easily, She'll WANT to Say Yes... Instantly."

Take whichever bits are helpful to you and feel free to leave the rest.

(Oh and all the best with your venture)

Thanks

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kettlewell

15 years ago

Originally Posted by ggross

Can a few of you take a look & tell me what you honestly think ?

Honest opinion follows:

First - There are a lot of great elements that you have modeled from very well. Even though it is common practice to use a swipe file, and find examples of sales copy that are working - many dont. It is obvious that you tried to model after some other sales pages.

The idea of a woman's perspective (Gina) is a good idea

But there is some conflict - there is a $17 coaching program and a $9.97 book - I got lost/confused.

"The Definitive Manual..." implies that it is a global authority, and sends off the BS meter pretty high - "A Comprehensive Manual .." or something might work (or not).

As John Carlton would say - Your headlines aren't pithy and/or visceral. They need more punch. And only one set of headlines. There is some confusion.

You might want to address your USP in the headlines similar to: I'm a woman, I know what women want, and using my feminine knowledge, I can get a man into any girls pants - with the secrets I reveal in this book (not verbatim, but the concept).

You need testimonials / social proof.

Your bonuses need some flair (images/ borders, etc) to highlight the bonus, and that it is of extreme value - worth more than the price of the book itself.

The satisfaction guaranteed button is a green / grey (Starbucks coffee?) It doesn't scream to me at the top of my lungs - "buy me you freaking moron, you'll get your money back if you don't like it"

There's a lot of wording that could be shored up to make the same (or better) point, with less words.

Overall though, I give it a big thumbs up, with some editing working needing to go into it.

Good job.

Thanks

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Live

15 years ago

I've got to give bonus points to someone who can have a link on how to persuade women to have a threesome on one line and then relationship tips on the next...

"Relationship Tip#1 - Beg your wife for forgiveness that you ever tried to persuade her to have a threesome with you... and her best friend. This may take a while."

Thanks
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ggross

15 years ago

You get points for being the first one to notice that ! :-)

And thanks for the laugh !

Originally Posted by Live

I've got to give bonus points to someone who can have a link on how to persuade women to have a threesome on one line and then relationship tips on the next...

"Relationship Tip#1 - Beg your wife for forgiveness that you ever tried to persuade her to have a threesome with you... and her best friend. This may take a while."

Thanks

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ggross

15 years ago

Thanks Guys.

You all brought up excellent points.

Back to the drawing board again !

Lesson #1 in Copywriting - When in Doubt, Turn To Warriors !

Now, the only problem I have is Testomonials. It is a new product,
so those aren't freely available, & I won't stoop to using fake ones.

Any suggestions on this ?

Thanks
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Loren Woirhaye 15 years ago

A lot of ideas in trhe headline... and too many wiggly meandering
words tying them together:

How to be a Beast at the Club & Easily Ask Any Girl You Come In Contact With On A Date Anytime You Want Without Fear Of Rejection or Stress !

the big ideas:

Be The beast
get any girl
any time
without fear

This long headline you have is like a story.

"I'm the beast. I'm at the club. I'm cool. Have hairy chest. Yeah.
OK. Read the ebook. Now I'm the man. Ok This is easy. I'm
gonna ask the girls. There's a girl. I'll ask her. She'll think I'm
the beast. Right, she's in my general vicinity and she can feel
how beastly I am..."

etc... It gets funny because the imagery implies a meandering,
gutless activity and pattern of self-affirmation right there
in the headline.

That's just my opinion of course. The beast angle is something
I haven't seen before (but I don't read this sort of thing often)
and I think if you do it right it could be cool... but do it wrong
and it could be lame.

"The beast
who gets any girl,
,any time, fearlessly"

... which still implies there is something to be afraid of but it's more
succinct and does tell a short story... like who is this guy?

Did you see the Dos Equis commercials on YouTube with the
Hemingway-esque "Most Interesting Man in the World" ? You
should check them out. Relevant somehow here... IMO.
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Derek Pankaew

15 years ago

Originally Posted by ggross

Thanks Guys.

You all brought up excellent points.

Back to the drawing board again !

Lesson #1 in Copywriting - When in Doubt, Turn To Warriors !

Now, the only problem I have is Testomonials. It is a new product,
so those aren't freely available, & I won't stoop to using fake ones.

Any suggestions on this ?

I'm curious - Do you really have the product to back up the pitch?

I'm speaking from someone who's worked first hand in the pickup/seduction industry for over 3 years. Really, to break into this niche you have to have real genuine skills.

Your marketing is just a reflection of that. It's not about writing fancy headlines or having a "great sales pitch," it's really about having something to offer and portraying that through your marketing.

Have you ever heard the line ... "Great marketing is when selling is superfluous?" Mystery doesn't have to sell. Zan Perrion doesn't have to sell. Lance Mason doesn't have to sell. People come to them ready to buy.

Granted, they still utilize great selling principles to make even more money. However, if Lance Mason was a dork who couldn't get girls and was just good at writing salesletters, he wouldn't crashed and burned very quickly.

My 2 cents on breaking into this market.

- Derek

Thanks
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ggross

15 years ago

Derek,

I think you may be getting what this ebook is about mixed up.

I am not trying to say that I am a PUA or even trying to insinuate that.

This ebook is about building confidence. The confidence that it
takes to make a difference in your life, which also runs over into
asking girls out.

A confident male will do much better with women than someone
who doesn't have confidence in themselves.

I don't proclaim to use PUA Techniques. I leave that up to the guys
that do nothing but make a living out of picking up & seducing women.

What I am teaching is the confidence to approach that woman that
you have never been able to talk to because you were afraid of
being shot down, being laughed at or made fun of.

And, once you get that date, how to make it into the best
one that you can. Period.

Not every date is about seducing the girl the first time around.

And do I have experience in that ? Yes, I do. More than enough.

My old trick in High School was to carry a screw in my pocket,
& when I saw a girl I liked, I would walk up & hold out the screw
in my hand & ask: "Wanna Screw?".

Did I get slapped ? More than Once !

Did it work ? You betcha ! More than once !!

Confidence is a mindset. Just like IM. You have to
have the confidence to make that step. To take
that leap. And that is half the battle won.

Are you going to have failures ? Sure you are !

If you don't, you aren't human.

Are they going to kill you ? No.

You just have to have the confidence to get up & do it again.

And that is what this ebook is about. But based toward the
Dating Scene.

One thing I learned when I was in Recon was that you have
to be able to adapt. So why not take a basically selfhelp topic
& turn it into a product in another Niche ? One that just happens
to be a VERY hot niche ?

Will it fail ? Who Knows. It could very well possibly flop.

And it could be a best seller.

Only time will tell.

If it flops will it stop me from doing it again ? No.

We all take chances, & that is what confidence is all about.

So, a basic answer to your question.

Am I a PUA ? No. Never claimed to be.

Will I walk up to ANYONE & ask them out ? H*** Yes !

Worst that can happen is they will tell me no. Or maybe laugh.

Wouldn't be the first time, probably won't be the last.

But it won't stop me from doing it again ! ;-)

Originally Posted by Derek Pankaew

I'm curious - Do you really have the product to back up the pitch?

I'm speaking from someone who's worked first hand in the pickup/seduction industry for over 3 years. Really, to break into this niche you have to have real genuine skills.

Your marketing is just a reflection of that. It's not about writing fancy headlines or having a "great sales pitch," it's really about having something to offer and portraying that through your marketing.

Have you ever heard the line ... "Great marketing is when selling is superfluous?" Mystery doesn't have to sell. Zan Perrion doesn't have to sell. Lance Mason doesn't have to sell. People come to them ready to buy.

Granted, they still utilize great selling principles to make even more money. However, if Lance Mason was a dork who couldn't get girls and was just good at writing salesletters, he wouldn't crashed and burned very quickly.

My 2 cents on breaking into this market.

- Derek

Thanks

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zachary0611

15 years ago

I have been in the seduction community for a little over a year now and the guys who make a name for themselves usually have videos of themselves

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Loren Woirhaye

15 years ago

Gary, I just looked at your sig line and one of your
offers made me laugh out loud. Brazen and to-the-point.

I have an old friend and when we we in college he was
a complete horn-dog. My friend was good-looking, rich
and in shape... and unable to hold onto a girl because,
I guess, of immaturity or something, yet he was diligent
about getting them. He said, "ask 10 and 1 or 2 will
say yes." He could have used a strategy with more
finesse I am sure if he wanted to, but he chose to just
work the numbers.

Thanks
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ggross

15 years ago

Hi Loren,

My point exactly.

You don't have to be handsome, make tons of money,
be the best lover, ect., ect. ect.

You just have to have the Confidence to take that leap.

Shot down ? Who cares ! Get up & go again.

Originally Posted by Loren Woirhaye

Gary, I just looked at your sig line and one of your
offers made me laugh out loud. Brazen and to-the-point.

I have an old friend and when we we in college he was
a complete horn-dog. My friend was good-looking, rich
and in shape... and unable to hold onto a girl because,
I guess, of immaturity or something, yet he was diligent
about getting them. He said, "ask 10 and 1 or 2 will
say yes." He could have used a strategy with more
finesse I am sure if he wanted to, but he chose to just
work the numbers.

Thanks

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mikemcmillan

15 years ago

Only about 10% of your site deals with your book, the remainder deals with the bonuses. Think it should be the other way around. I would strongly recommend getting an eye-popping cover graphic for your ebook. People are visual--they need to see, not just read.

I agree with Zachary above. If you could have a video of a guy in a club using some "secret techniques" or even an audio demonstrating techniques it might be good.

I'd also promote some solutions to problems...

What to do when she says NO!--stuff like that.

I think you'll get there. Good luck!!! Make a million bud!

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