[UPDATED v2.0] Critique my FB Landing Page

First, it took a while for the page to load - I actually came back here to comment that it just showed up blank for me. I don't know the ins and outs of facebook pages, but I'm guessing maybe it's because you used an image? It does show up a bit blurry at the top, so it looks like an image even if it isn't.

In terms of actual content, your headline doesn't do much to pull me in. Rhetorical questions tend to have the opposite effect than you intend them to. "Wondering what Your LocalProject is?" "No, not really, and why should I care?"

I'd tighten your target market. "We love working with people that are looking for an intranet solution" is a really broad range of people, and the previous mention of schools, sports teams or niche communities makes me think you're focusing in on smaller groups. If so, I'd leave businesses out of it entirely and hype up your user friendliness, easy interface, etc, since those communities are less web savvy than most.

Reading through, I'm also confused as to whether you're offering free accounts or pro accounts. With that customer demographic, I'd go with free (or a free trial) and save the pitch to go Pro until after they've tried out the service and enjoyed it.

Hope that helps!
Kirsten