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Any help with this copy/offer would be much appreciated

by Rob Hall
10 replies
Hello everyone,

Hope everyone's alrite,

Anyway, cutting to the chase...

I've decided to take the route of teaching some of the stuff I've learnt over the years so I'm learning as much as I can about copywriting and making the offer etc.

I wouldn't say I'm a newbie but there are some copywriters here with absolute bags of experience and it's always great to get more than your own opinion eh.

Cheers everyone,

Here's the site...

Webbed Media - Write About What You Love

Any positive/negative and constructive comments are welcome.

Cheers,

Rob
#appreciated #copy or offer
  • Profile picture of the author taberdude2
    Hi Rob,

    I liked your sales page.I did notice a typo, pasted below:

    "The only reason I'm making getting " under "A Little Secret".

    Deanna
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    • Profile picture of the author Rachel Zaouche
      It's easy to see the assumptions that we'd all make here. Free = Poor Quality, Expensive = Great Quality.
      So, the first thing I'll be teaching you in the training course is exactly how to get your hands on a great domain name, for a very, very cheap price. Then, I'll show you EXACTLY how to set it up and configure your blog to it, step by step.

      Hi Rob

      I think you should have put this in the copyrighting forum - you might get a better response.

      I am no expert in copywriting so have read it as a potential consumer!

      I think your sales letter comes across as very honest and sincere but it isnt very exciting (sorry if I am being too blunt - its the Irish in me lol)

      For example, you are trying to attract people that want to learn how to make money on the net right? And how better to do it then by writing about their passions, their interests, what makes them want to get up in the morning etc. (ps its not football for everyone lol)

      Also you give the example of people not valuing something that is free "free = poor quality, expensive = great quality" followed immediately by " I will show you how to get a great domain name for a very very cheap price".

      I am no expert by any stretch of the imagination but in my view your sincerity and honesty needs to be matched by fire and excitement.

      Appeal to their emotions and their need for "easy" money without coming across like a scam artist. I would use more subheadings and bullet points as people scan rather than read.

      I look on John Charltons website (and in the copy forum here) when looking for help and ideas.

      Hope that helped a little.

      Rach


      ps I think you are very brave asking for such public help - well done to you.

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  • Profile picture of the author Scott Murdaugh
    Hey Rob,

    Any comments are just observations and nothing personal...

    I've got good writing skills
    That doesn't sound right to me... "I have great writing skills".

    Scrolling through there's some other minor grammar stuff that kind of sticks out...

    Now, obviously we don't have unlimited positions in our course, so right now we're only looking to take on around 100 people.
    I like that line, except I'd say "Now, we obviously don't have..."

    Overall it's very unconventional, which may or may not be a good thing. There's definitely some grammar issues going on there... and I'd say you could use a better call to action before the opt in form... like...

    Ready to join? Great! Enter your name and email below to get started for FREE!

    I dunno. Just a few observations. Good luck with it!

    -Scott
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  • Profile picture of the author Roey Pimentel
    Dear Rob,

    I'd suggest adding a photo of yourself in the, "About" section of the sales letter. It helps connect you with your potential buyer.

    Peace,

    Roey.
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  • Profile picture of the author PeterDudek
    Originally Posted by Rob Hall View Post

    Any positive/negative and constructive comments are welcome.
    Hi Rob,

    DISCLAIMER: I'm not a copywriting coach, nor am I a blogger. So you might want to ignore almost everything I'm about to say.

    I had to force myself to read your sales letter and I wasn't sure what would happen if I gave you my email.

    Consider this advice from a rookie:
    • Every sentence should have one objective: get the person to read the next sentence.
    • All the sentences should take the reader like a greased chute to the Call to Action.
    • The call to action should be Clear as a Bell, Easy as Pie, Obvious as an Elephant in the Room, as Desirable as Sex.
    Hope this helps!

    Best wishes to you!

    Peter

    P.S. People like colloquialisms, stories and metaphors.
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  • Profile picture of the author Rob Hall
    Thanks to all who have replied so far, appreciating the comments a lot!

    First of all, I've implemented the picture, not sure if that's going to boost it or kill it! :-)

    I'm implementing the other recommendations, I just need to find the right balance, my first draft was far more exciting but seemed spammy, that balance seems to be hard to find.
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  • Profile picture of the author Roey Pimentel
    Dear Rob,

    Two more thoughts on the Sales Letter -

    1. Put the date between "From: Robert Hall" and, "Dear Friend," (generate the date to always be today whenever someone opens the page)

    2. Back up your claim of, "5 million hits" with some sort of proof - a screen shot maybe...

    Just a thought...

    Hope things are going well.

    Peace,

    Roey.
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    Peace, Roey.

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  • Profile picture of the author mikemcmillan
    First, I liked the way you began with, "I am probably a lot like you..." or something like that. I lot of good copywriters use that. I think the first thing you want to do is establish some kind of connection with the visitor and the way you opened up did that.

    You come across as being very honest and sincere bud. But like someone said, may just a tad bit more fire would help. I know, I know--there is a very fine line between reasonable hype and over-hype.

    What I really want to comment on is what Peter said above about every sentence leading like a greased chute to the call to action.

    Have you every listened to a song on the radio that you haven't heard in 10 years? Now if someone were to ask you if you knew all of the words to the song out of the blue, you might not be able to say yes. But as the song is played, each line sort of cues your memory to the next and you are able to sing along (I do this only with my wndows up so I don't scare anyone)!

    But I think of each line in a sales letter as a cue to the next. And each paragraph as a cue to the next. Readers have a short attention span so every sentence has to give them a reason to go on to the next.

    All in all though I'd say you've got a good start--good luck!
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  • Profile picture of the author Roey Pimentel
    What a great analogy, Mike. Thanks!

    Peace,

    Roey.
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    Peace, Roey.

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