Comments on my sales page?

[Alex Sol]

Hello, everyone!

I have recently launched my own CB product and the only issue I have is the sales letter.
I think copywriting is one of the hardest tasks and it is something I haven't mastered yet.

ANY advice will be greatly appreciated! Here is the page: One Month Affiliate - The Online Money Making Video Guide

Thank You!

[Ryan_Taylor]

Congrats on launching your new CB product.

I didn't have a chance to read your entire sales page, but I think the headline needs a little work. I like the "Fact" That got my interest. But the subhead needs to be a bit more powerful about why I want to read the story about you.

Ask yourself why the reader would care about your story or who you are. You have a couple seconds to do that in your headline.

Originally Posted by kiev

Hello, everyone!

I have recently launched my own CB product and the only issue I have is the sales letter.
I think copywriting is one of the hardest tasks and it is something I haven't mastered yet.

ANY advice will be greatly appreciated! Here is the page: One Month Affiliate - The Online Money Making Video Guide

Thank You!

[Alex Sol]

Originally Posted by Ryan_Taylor

Congrats on launching your new CB product.

I didn't have a chance to read your entire sales page, but I think the headline needs a little work. I like the "Fact" That got my interest. But the subhead needs to be a bit more powerful about why I want to read the story about you.

Ask yourself why the reader would care about your story or who you are. You have a couple seconds to do that in your headline.

Thanks fir a quick reply. Actually HEADLINE is my biggest problem. I am satisfied with the story , but not the headline! Yesterday it read:

"Who Else Wants To Make $1 Million Overnight?...NOT!"

I will not make a million bucks for you but You will be amazed after reading my story - I promise!

... So I changed it to the new headline today - still not feeling it


Now. The reader SHOULD care about my story, because the same exactly thing could happen to him/her... I am just not sure how to put that in a nice phrase...
... I wish English was my 1st language, not 5th, LOL.

[Andy Fletcher]

(Notice: Clickbank verifies the authenticity of each screen shot published)

I've been staring at the screen for five minutes looking for suitable words for how I feel about this. But I can't come up with anything so instead here's some kitttens ... it makes more sense than lying to your customers

[Alex Sol]

Originally Posted by Andy Fletcher

I've been staring at the screen for five minutes looking for suitable words for how I feel about this. But I can't come up with anything so instead here's some kitttens ... it makes more sense than lying to your customers

Actually, I am not lying to my customers. When I submitted the product and sales page to CB - they asked me from which account I got that CB shot. Only then they approved the sales page and the product.

[Andy Fletcher]

Originally Posted by kiev

Actually, I am not lying to my customers. When I submitted the product and sales page to CB - they asked me from which account I got that CB shot. Only then they approved the sales page and the product.

Really? If that's the case then please accept my apologies I wasn't aware that they did this.

I'll leave the kittens though. They're cute

[Alex Sol]

Originally Posted by Andy Fletcher

Really? If that's the case then please accept my apologies I wasn't aware that they did this.

I'll leave the kittens though. They're cute

No biggie.

This is why the sales pages that show you earnings of $1000,000,000,000 never sell thing through Clickbank... they are simply refused because screen shots are fake.

[Ryan_Taylor]

I'd also work on getting some testimonials up there. Can you find some people that have used your technique and also had success?

[Michael Oksa]

Hi Alexander,

My first thought on your headline is tell me what your product CAN do for me. Not what it won't do.

Something like...

"Learn The Exact Methods Anyone Can Use To Make $169.35 Per Day"

I chose $169.35 because it wa the lowest amount displayed in your screen shot.

Then you could use your current headline for the subheadline.

Like this...

"Learn The Exact Methods Anyone Can Use To Make $169.35 Per Day"
NOTE: You Will NOT Make $1,000,000 Overnight!"
...But You will be amazed after reading my story

I know that is not perfect, and could still use some help, but I like the idea of telling people waht you are offerin first.

I think the "Guarantee" graphic is too big. It is s good to have a clear guarantee, but right now it overpowers the "Order Now" button.

Try to find a sentence or two in each paragraph that you can highlight in some way, bold, italics or yellow highlighting. Right now it is kind of plain looking.

Some of the paragraphs have a single space at the beginning, some do not. I would take them out so they are all left-justified.

Those were the first things I noticed. Just my opinion.

~Michael

[Mike Montgomery]

I just browsed over it without reading the text and here's what I'd suggest.

I would find a way to blend that header in with the black, otherwise I think
it looks good.

Good choice on the font and I think it's an excellent idea to put your contact
info and especially phone number in there.

I've heard putting your phone number in can really skyrocket conversions.

Good luck

[Ilya Feynberg]

I'm not going to try and play copywriting expert here...because...well I'm not at all.

But I recommened moving this over to the copywriting forum in hopes that Vin Montello catches a glimpse of it and can give it a scan. This is not to say anything bad anyone else, in fact there are many more copywriters out there that fit other styles better, but since you have a little bit of a story thing going on there then he would be number in my book to look over it.

[RevenueGal]

I think you've done an excellent job! It had me ready to buy. lol I have to agree with Michael's advice above regarding the headline.

[RevenueGal]

Oh, I forgot to ask. Do you offer the whole course in a written format such as a pdf as an extra feature with your course? Some people really aren't into video and I'm one of them. (:
(I'm a reader and like to skim read quickly to the best parts.)

[Alex Sol]

Michael! Thanks a bunch! I do love the headline you are suggesting... but at the same time it sounds a but too hyped up (just like every other IM related product's headline)... Maybe it's just me?

I also see the other "problems" you are mentioning I'll change that ASAP!

I got a few testimonials, some even sent in their photo! However I am still not sure where to stick those...

Thank You all for comments!

Originally Posted by RevenueGal

Oh, I forgot to ask. Do you offer the whole course in a written format such as a pdf as an extra feature with your course? Some people really aren't into video and I'm one of them. (:
(I'm a reader and like to skim read quickly to the best parts.)

No I do not have it... yet? The whole point of having the video format is that people do not want to read. Especially when it comes to this kind of niche... Imagine a newbie reading about; Using Web 2.0, Social Marking, Blogs, Building a website... I believe that it is 10000 times easier when you see it LIVE.

Just my $0.02

[Lance K]

How about something like this...

------------------------------------------------------

"Legally I Can't Promise You Financial Freedom By Next Month..."

But If You Want To Discover Proven Secrets To Making $169.35 Or More Per Day Using An Easy To Follow Step-By-Step System While Working From The Comfort Of Your Home, Then You're Definitely At The Right Place.

Dear ____:

Is it true? Does it really "take money to make money"?

Nope. And I'm going to prove it to you.

You can start with no money and no experience...yada yada yada

Blah, blah, blah.

[jbr]

I'm no copywriting expert.. but here are some suggestions.. Headline must be changed like Michael stated.. create more appealing subtitles and put them in bold/red.. You could use bullet points for the first 4 questions in the beginning and bold every other line.. same could be done for the bottom of your sales page with bullet points.. tell people what will happen if they dont purchase your product and keep on working the 9-5 (no money/freedom/ being miserable).. try injecting more pain into the sales letter.. and offer your product as the solution.. maybe try a take away strategy..

tell people how much it would cost them to have you work one on one with them and then tell them you are offering the video course to make it more affordable to the masses (forgot what the technique is called im trying to refer too)..

Besides copywriting, I would suggest you put a video up as well of yourself.. AND you should give some VIDEO information away for free that is in your course.. maybe block out some information in the video to make them more curious.. this should boost your conversions as well..

The story line is okay but could be better.. make it seem like you are donig them a favor by offering your course for sale instead of trying to SELL them your course.. and you must make the price seem like pocket change for them.. Read some other succesful copy, be creative, and you should be able to spice up your sales letter, but DEF put in Videos of yourself and of the actual course in action!!

Good Luck!!

[Alex Sol]

Originally Posted by Lance K

How about something like this...

------------------------------------------------------

"Legally I Can't Promise You Financial Freedom By Next Month..."

But If You Want To Discover Proven Secrets To Making $169.35 Or More Per Day Using An Easy To Follow Step-By-Step System While Working From The Comfort Of Your Home, Then You're Definitely At The Right Place.

[LEFT]
...

Well, the word LEGALLY grabs my attention. The precise amount of money (instead of just saying "A LOT") also captures my attention I think the sub-headline is a little too long and way too typical.

[Alex Sol]

Originally Posted by jbr

I'm no copywriting expert.. but here are some suggestions.. Headline must be changed like Michael stated.. create more appealing subtitles and put them in bold/red.. You could use bullet points for the first 4 questions in the beginning and bold every other line.. same could be done for the bottom of your sales page with bullet points.. tell people what will happen if they dont purchase your product and keep on working the 9-5 (no money/freedom/ being miserable).. try injecting more pain into the sales letter.. and offer your product as the solution.. maybe try a take away strategy..

tell people how much it would cost them to have you work one on one with them and then tell them you are offering the video course to make it more affordable to the masses (forgot what the technique is called im trying to refer too)..

Besides copywriting, I would suggest you put a video up as well of yourself.. AND you should give some VIDEO information away for free that is in your course.. maybe block out some information in the video to make them more curious.. this should boost your conversions as well..

The story line is okay but could be better.. make it seem like you are donig them a favor by offering your course for sale instead of trying to SELL them your course.. and you must make the price seem like pocket change for them.. Read some other succesful copy, be creative, and you should be able to spice up your sales letter, but DEF put in Videos of yourself and of the actual course in action!!

Good Luck!!

Thanks so much JBR!

Great advice!

[Lance K]

Originally Posted by kiev

Well, the word LEGALLY grabs my attention. The precise amount of money (instead of just saying "A LOT") also captures my attention I think the sub-headline is a little too long and way too typical.

Then how about this...

"Legally I Can't Promise You Financial Freedom By Next Month, But..."

If You Would Like To Make Up To $169.35 Or More Per Day Using A Proven Step-By-Step System, Then You're At The Right Place.

[Lance K]

Hey, Kiev.

Also, your email addy is going to get slammed with spam if you leave it like it is (e-mail: <a href="mailto:alex @ onemonthaffiliate.com">) on your site. Once the spam bots find it, it's a huge pain in the a$$.

[jbr]

Also instead of picture shots of your earnings.. you should create a camtasia video or even a handheld video with your earnings in it..
and instead of trying to sell people, try to educate them on why they need to purchase your product.. thats why having your actual course info on your sales page as a teaser (just like the movie thearters do) is good because it is educating them and they will want to know more.. and they will pay you to find out.. Using curiosty in your sales letter will def help..

You can try to put oder now buttons in at the top/ middle of the page.. you can use more bold in your sales letter may work.. you do need more attention grabbing words, power words and improve the way your sentences are structed. One month affiliate is a great brandalbe name and you should try using branding strategies for your course and for yourself for the long term..

See if

STOP! Do Not READ THIS If You're Making Over $10,000 Every Month, Working Less Than 9 hours a week, With No Product Of Your Own...

... Because if Your Not, I'll Show You...

Just came up with that real quick.. Just trying to spark your creativity, so you can create a better headline..

Good Luck!

[Alex Sol]

Originally Posted by jbr

Also instead of picture shots of your earnings.. you should create a camtasia video or even a handheld video with your earnings in it..
and instead of trying to sell people, try to educate them on why they need to purchase your product.. thats why having your actual course info on your sales page as a teaser (just like the movie thearters do) is good because it is educating them and they will want to know more.. and they will pay you to find out.. Using curiosty in your sales letter will def help..

You can try to put oder now buttons in at the top/ middle of the page.. you can use more bold in your sales letter may work.. you do need more attention grabbing words, power words and improve the way your sentences are structed. One month affiliate is a great brandalbe name and you should try using branding strategies for your course and for yourself for the long term..

See if

STOP! Do Not READ THIS If You're Making Over $10,000 Every Month, Working Less Than 9 hours a week, With No Product Of Your Own...

... Because if Your Not, I'll Show You...

Just came up with that real quick.. Just trying to spark your creativity, so you can create a better headline..

Good Luck!

I like that I guess I will have to re-write my sales page...

Thanks a lot!

[Alex Sol]

I have changed quite a few things on the page

Thanks JBR and the others