Is this a good sales page?

29 replies
Hey guys

Many of you have been very helpful lately with your advice, so thankyou very much.

I'd like to see your thoughts on this sales page. The vendor had his own page, but I found it too lengthy, so came up with my own.

Prospects will be directed to this once they've signed up to a squeeze page, and through a blog.

I am very new to this, so all of your comments are welcome.

#1 MMA Workout Program | Best MMA Workout

Thanks
#good #page #sales
  • Profile picture of the author gasman
    It looks pretty good, If I were going to change one thing about it I would change the header. It could look a little more professional. Are you just in the MMA niche because it's exploding or because your a fan? I'm just curious because I'm a pro fighter myself. Check out my Avatar, that's me and now former lightweight UFC champion Frankie Edgar who came to one of my fights.
    Signature
    READY SET COMEDY PODCAST

    Bored? Need a laugh? Find us on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5997415].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author afilmarket
      Originally Posted by gasman View Post

      It looks pretty good, If I were going to change one thing about it I would change the header. It could look a little more professional. Are you just in the MMA niche because it's exploding or because your a fan? I'm just curious because I'm a pro fighter myself. Check out my Avatar, that's me and now former lightweight UFC champion Frankie Edgar who came to one of my fights.
      Thanks for the tip! I'm new to this stuff, so will see if I can get a friend to make it look a little more professional.

      Well, I did some MMA when I was younger. I should have stuck with it as I was a natural - I beat a guy who was 26 when I was 18! But then went to uni, and I became an armchair fan. I've been watching UFC since volume 1 - and have been hooked since! What comps do you fight in?

      You in this niche too?
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5997484].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author gasman
        Originally Posted by afilmarket View Post

        Thanks for the tip! I'm new to this stuff, so will see if I can get a friend to make it look a little more professional.

        Well, I did some MMA when I was younger. I should have stuck with it as I was a natural - I beat a guy who was 26 when I was 18! But then went to uni, and I became an armchair fan. I've been watching UFC since volume 1 - and have been hooked since! What comps do you fight in?

        You in this niche too?
        No I'm not in the niche. I have fought for many different mostly smaller promotions. I have beaten a few Strikeforce and UFC vets. I hope to make it to the UFC one day, I'm good enough I just haven't gotten that far yet.
        Signature
        READY SET COMEDY PODCAST

        Bored? Need a laugh? Find us on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts.
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5997510].message }}
        • Profile picture of the author clove
          Banned
          [DELETED]
          {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5997554].message }}
          • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
            Originally Posted by clove View Post

            If you were a client, I would be nice about this. But seeing as you are a fellow warrior, I will be blunt

            1. Your headline needs a lot of work. It says nothing unique. And, for what it says now, it is too long.
            2. Your lead is only a couple questions? You are going to lose people right there.
            3. You could easily target a bigger market with a new lead and headline.
            4. You failed to get the reader to picture how the product will change his life.
            5. You provide little proof that your product works.
            6. You have not described the benefits of a particular product.
            7. You have introduced the products in a poor way; your sales letter could benefit greatly by introducing the products slowly throughout the letter.
            8. Decent diversion prior to the call to action, but you could improve this.
            9. The push is decent, but should be shortened.
            10. This letter could be improved tremendously by making it longer and spacing out the benefits of each product. Think magalog.

            Click thanks if this helps you. I usually charge up to $500 for a copy critique, but I'm giving you a quicky for free.
            ^^^ This. I think one of these babes is onto something.
            {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5997575].message }}
          • Profile picture of the author afilmarket
            Originally Posted by clove View Post

            If you were a client, I would be nice about this. But seeing as you are a fellow warrior, I will be blunt

            1. Your headline needs a lot of work. It says nothing unique. And, for what it says now, it is too long.
            2. Your lead is only a couple questions? You are going to lose people right there.
            3. You could easily target a bigger market with a new lead and headline.
            4. You failed to get the reader to picture how the product will change his life.
            5. You provide little proof that your product works.
            6. You have not described the benefits of a particular product.
            7. You have introduced the products in a poor way; your sales letter could benefit greatly by introducing the products slowly throughout the letter.
            8. Decent diversion prior to the call to action, but you could improve this.
            9. The push is decent, but should be shortened.
            10. This letter could be improved tremendously by making it longer and spacing out the benefits of each product. Think magalog.

            Click thanks if this helps you. I usually charge up to $500 for a copy critique, but I'm giving you a quicky for free.
            Thanks a lot for the advice. Blunt is fine! Will get to work
            {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5999318].message }}
          • Profile picture of the author loi77
            Originally Posted by clove View Post

            If you were a client, I would be nice about this. But seeing as you are a fellow warrior, I will be blunt

            1. Your headline needs a lot of work. It says nothing unique. And, for what it says now, it is too long.
            2. Your lead is only a couple questions? You are going to lose people right there.
            3. You could easily target a bigger market with a new lead and headline.
            4. You failed to get the reader to picture how the product will change his life.
            5. You provide little proof that your product works.
            6. You have not described the benefits of a particular product.
            7. You have introduced the products in a poor way; your sales letter could benefit greatly by introducing the products slowly throughout the letter.
            8. Decent diversion prior to the call to action, but you could improve this.
            9. The push is decent, but should be shortened.
            10. This letter could be improved tremendously by making it longer and spacing out the benefits of each product. Think magalog.

            Click thanks if this helps you. I usually charge up to $500 for a copy critique, but I'm giving you a quicky for free.
            Great advice. Learned a lot from you.

            Cheers!
            Signature

            {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6000214].message }}
        • Profile picture of the author afilmarket
          Originally Posted by gasman View Post

          No I'm not in the niche. I have fought for many different mostly smaller promotions. I have beaten a few Strikeforce and UFC vets. I hope to make it to the UFC one day, I'm good enough I just haven't gotten that far yet.
          Good luck with that! If you need a strength and conditioning program, you know where to come :p
          {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6001084].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author jakecoop79
    I think it looks pretty good, but the video at the bottom of the page isn't showing up.
    Signature

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5997423].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author afilmarket
      Originally Posted by jakecoop79 View Post

      I think it looks pretty good, but the video at the bottom of the page isn't showing up.
      Thanks for pointing that out. I got a friend who did a Wordpress course, so will see if they can help out. Couldn't work out how to imbed the video. Am using Weaver 2 theme.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5997489].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    The headline is weak and the font is too small. Bump it up two or three points so it stands out more. The reason I say it's weak is because "Training LESS Than You Are Now" is ambiguous and unrealistic. Put some definite time frame in there and you'll have a lot more credibility. You might impress a newbie with that line but anyone who has been around at all is going to think that particular line is pretty hokey.

    I'm not into working out or fighting and have no idea what MMA means. And believe it or not some of your potential customers who are just starting won't know either. Whenever you use some kind of acronym like MMA or SEO or WYSIWYG or whatever, ALWAYS define it on the page at least once before tossing MMA around. Newbies to the field will love you for it.

    The layout's not bad. It looks a bit amateurish with these thingys ===>
    Get yourself a design person to professionally format and do the page layout. That's what all your serious competition is doing. Selling is a very visual thing and although your page isn't exactly ugly, it could use a bit of a makeover.

    I didn't read much of what you have there so I won't comment on the actual copy. Good luck.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5997530].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author afilmarket
      Originally Posted by travlinguy View Post

      The headline is weak and the font is too small. Bump it up two or three points so it stands out more. The reason I say it's weak is because "Training LESS Than You Are Now" is ambiguous and unrealistic. Put some definite time frame in there and you'll have a lot more credibility. You might impress a newbie with that line but anyone who has been around at all is going to think that particular line is pretty hokey.

      I'm not into working out or fighting and have no idea what MMA means. And believe it or not some of your potential customers who are just starting won't know either. Whenever you use some kind of acronym like MMA or SEO or WYSIWYG or whatever, ALWAYS define it on the page at least once before tossing MMA around. Newbies to the field will love you for it.

      The layout's not bad. It looks a bit amateurish with these thingys ===>
      Get yourself a design person to professionally format and do the page layout. That's what all your serious competition is doing. Selling is a very visual thing and although your page isn't exactly ugly, it could use a bit of a makeover.

      I didn't read much of what you have there so I won't comment on the actual copy. Good luck.
      Thanks! Great tips. Will take them on board
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5999314].message }}
  • {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[5999324].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author davemiz
    see i would be a perfect customer for this... i watch mma... i need to get in better shape...

    what i expect to see is a better sales page... something that makes me WANT this product.

    why would someone need this?

    what are they going through right now?

    what are they absolutely going to get out of this?

    i'd post it in the copywriting section and see what you get back....

    you have the cred. the video @ the top shows that.

    you obviously know your stuff...

    now you need to package it up in a way that makes people want it... badly.
    Signature

    “Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.”
    ― Dalai Lama XIV

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6000016].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author afilmarket
      Originally Posted by davemiz View Post

      see i would be a perfect customer for this... i watch mma... i need to get in better shape...

      what i expect to see is a better sales page... something that makes me WANT this product.

      why would someone need this?

      what are they going through right now?

      what are they absolutely going to get out of this?

      i'd post it in the copywriting section and see what you get back....

      you have the cred. the video @ the top shows that.

      you obviously know your stuff...

      now you need to package it up in a way that makes people want it... badly.
      Thanks a lot for the feedback! I revised the page somewhat following the advice I have received.

      #1 MMA Workout Program | Best MMA Workout

      Does this make you want it anymore?
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6001097].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author CyberSEO
    Originally Posted by afilmarket View Post

    Tell you sincerely. It looks exactly like 100,000's of other sales pages made of the same template.

    In two words: not impressive.
    Signature
    CyberSEO Pro - the ultimate all-in-one autoblogging WordPress plugin, powered by OpenAI GPT-4, Anthropic Claude, Google Gemini Pro, Midjourney, DALL-E 3 and Stable Diffusion XL
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6000268].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author afilmarket
      Originally Posted by CyberSEO View Post

      Tell you sincerely. It looks exactly like 100,000's of other sales pages made of the same template.

      In two words: not impressive.
      Thanks for the feedback. This isn't made by a template - it was the result of about 5 hours of my work trying to figure out Wordpress!
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6001101].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author CyberSEO
        Originally Posted by afilmarket View Post

        Thanks for the feedback. This isn't made by a template - it was the result of about 5 hours of my work trying to figure out Wordpress!
        Actually I thought it's a static page.
        Signature
        CyberSEO Pro - the ultimate all-in-one autoblogging WordPress plugin, powered by OpenAI GPT-4, Anthropic Claude, Google Gemini Pro, Midjourney, DALL-E 3 and Stable Diffusion XL
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6001552].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author JE Publishing
    I think that your website looks well presented and not over loaded with writing.
    Lets hope it converts well.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6001115].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author afilmarket
      Originally Posted by JE Publishing View Post

      I think that your website looks well presented and not over loaded with writing.
      Lets hope it converts well.
      Cheers dude! I am trying to strike the right balance between simple, yet informative and persuasive, but not over the top.

      From my experience, my market is 17 - 40 years old, male, and quite masculine. As such, I don't want to have too much copy, as I fear people will be put off and get bored, and I don't want to over-do the hype, as I think my prospects will be quick to think, 'this is bullsh*t'.

      It's tricky - I'll keep working to get the balance right though
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6001134].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Bruce NewMedia
    Couple quick things:

    Header is too blurry and does look sort of amateur paste-up..I'd replace it.

    Entire page needs to be narrowed. Not to exceed 650 pixels.

    Needs proof elements and TravlingGuy's advice on headline improvement is spot on.
    _____
    Bruce
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6001205].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author bbjumpman
      Originally Posted by Bruce NewMedia View Post

      Couple quick things:

      Header is too blurry and does look sort of amateur paste-up..I'd replace it.

      Entire page needs to be narrowed. Not to exceed 650 pixels.

      Needs proof elements and TravlingGuy's advice on headline improvement is spot on.
      _____
      Bruce
      I agree with Bruce. The Header is way to blurry so immediately I think poor quality product.

      Also, I don't like the tan background. This is MMA! It should scream fighter. The tan is too blah for me.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6001774].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author afilmarket
      Originally Posted by Bruce NewMedia View Post

      Couple quick things:

      Header is too blurry and does look sort of amateur paste-up..I'd replace it.

      Entire page needs to be narrowed. Not to exceed 650 pixels.

      Needs proof elements and TravlingGuy's advice on headline improvement is spot on.
      _____
      Bruce
      Thanks for the tips! I am new to this stuff. Any ideas how I would narrow the page, in WP?

      Thanks
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6001850].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Yes it needs to be in the Copywriting section - then we'll rip you a new one. ;-)

    As it is - its amateur-hour.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6001249].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author afilmarket
      Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

      Yes it needs to be in the Copywriting section - then we'll rip you a new one. ;-)

      As it is - its amateur-hour.
      Hey! Thanks for the advice.

      I looked at the Sticky post in the copywriting section, and it says quite clearly, that I should run through the check list before asking for a critique. So I was planning on doing that, as don't want to annoy anyone
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6001868].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author afilmarket
        p.s. can anyone link me up with an example of a good sales page? Would appreciate it! Then I can compare the check list against it.

        Thanks
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6001902].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author ThereIsAlwaysHOPE
    I took a quick look, the general 'feel' of the page is a bit too stale.

    You'll want to change your background theme and get more graphics in there. so that there won't be a wall of text inside.

    The colors, fonts, spacing and amount of text seems to give me a feeling that it's Boring... which means you might not be able to keep the attention of your visitors for long.

    You might want a stronger headline too.

    Just my two cents.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6004256].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author davemiz
    dude... i can't take reading such nonsense anymore...

    stop listening to people giving you bad advice... they might mean well, but they don't get it.

    this has NOTHING to do with reducing your margins on the page.... your background... making it look pretty... moving a video up or down... or the fonts you use.

    its like you telling your MMA clients that instead of working on their overall game... they just should focus on a rear naked choke and a kimura.... and despite the rest of their game being REALLY bad, those 2 moves will make everything else ok.

    you know thats hogwash. i know that hogwash.

    and its the same scenario here.

    you need a sales letter.

    PERIOD.

    Once you got it, THEN you can start to test all the elements you're getting feedback on in this thread (header, proof etc)

    Right now, you need a sales letter.

    Is your offer converting? no.

    why not?

    The sales letter sucks.

    All the changes these people are telling you aren't gonna do jack sh!t if your sales letter sucks.

    look at doubleyourdating... his sales letters are white, red headlines, inside a grey bordered box... doesn't get any more simple that than.... yet he's done 20mill a year.

    its all about the offer/copy first. then you work on cosmetics.
    Signature

    “Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.”
    ― Dalai Lama XIV

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6005949].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author afilmarket
      Originally Posted by davemiz View Post

      dude... i can't take reading such nonsense anymore...

      stop listening to people giving you bad advice... they might mean well, but they don't get it.

      this has NOTHING to do with reducing your margins on the page.... your background... making it look pretty... moving a video up or down... or the fonts you use.

      its like you telling your MMA clients that instead of working on their overall game... they just should focus on a rear naked choke and a kimura.... and despite the rest of their game being REALLY bad, those 2 moves will make everything else ok.

      you know thats hogwash. i know that hogwash.

      and its the same scenario here.

      you need a sales letter.

      PERIOD.

      Once you got it, THEN you can start to test all the elements you're getting feedback on in this thread (header, proof etc)

      Right now, you need a sales letter.

      Is your offer converting? no.

      why not?

      The sales letter sucks.

      All the changes these people are telling you aren't gonna do jack sh!t if your sales letter sucks.

      look at doubleyourdating... his sales letters are white, red headlines, inside a grey bordered box... doesn't get any more simple that than.... yet he's done 20mill a year.

      its all about the offer/copy first. then you work on cosmetics.
      haha, thanks a lot for the comments! I am trying to keep in mind the fact that I'm aiming this at MMA fighters, and I kind of believe that they don't really give a damn about some of the stuff you mention, like margins etc. Confused though!

      Also, all of this copy has been taken from his (Eric Wong's) affiliate resources sales page, and it's converting well, apparently. I personally found his sales page a little too lengthy, and wasn't too keen on one of the videos, so thought I'd make my own. This is his one - what do you think?

      #1 MMA Workout Program For Mixed Martial Artists

      Also, as you fit in the category of a target, what would you want to see on the page, that would make you want to buy it?
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6006198].message }}

Trending Topics