What's your gut reaction to this?

[giveusallfreedom]

I just finished writing the sales copy for a membership site I'm creating. Normally I'd hire someone to write the copy for me, but this is my pet project and I wanted it to be from the heart so to speak.

What I'd like is some gut reaction feedback from other warriors.

I know we have the copywriting forum, but I'm not really looking for advice as much as I want your gut reaction. Obviously if there is something you think would improve the page let me know, but I'm really just trying to determine if my message is coming across the way I want it to or if I need to find a better way of expressing it.

Any comments would be appreciated. Here's the page...

Untitled Document

[Michael Oksa]

Here's my honest gut reaction: The headline made me stop reading. I had no idea what you were offering, and the headline didn't create any interest.

Speaking of "create", I think that's what stopped me. How can anyone create an evolution???

Anyway, that's what popped into my head.

All the best,
Michael

[Jared Alberghini]

I was confused with the headline... same as what Michael said... I was thinking, how can you create an evolution? That just doesn't make sense.

A headline is supposed to make perfect sense, and give the direct clear message that you want to send.

Then I read the first line and it sounded like a sarcastic joke, that many people will not get. Not to mention, it's somewhat contradictory, since it does look like every other sales page out there that you are making fun of.

Do you like my fancy headline? It’s got all the right elements right? It tells a story, includes numbers, and builds curiosity. However don’t let it fool you. While this may look like an ordinary sales page, I’m not going to talk to you like an ordinary sales page would.

I then scanned the page, reading your sub-headlines, and I was still confused... I did not exactly know what you were offering me... then this bold thing stuck out in my mind:

this membership site probably isn’t for you

So, I thought what you told me to think, that this membership site probably isn't for me, and then I closed the page.

There wasn't anything that stuck out to me to tell me WHY this membership site wasn't for me... The reverse phsycology of something like "Don't Click Here" needs to be used properly to be successful.

Jared

[mmurtha]

Umm ... don't we still have a copywriting forum for this thype of thread?

[giveusallfreedom]

Thanks for the help. I've made a couple of changes.

I think I need to do a couple of things to bring out the point better. I'm also considering the formatting and other stuff. I guess I realize everyone at this point just scans sales pages, but I don't want the page to be scanned so I may have to present it in a different format.

I forgot mention that this is just the copy. I'll add graphics and make it look more professional later.

[artwebster]

What an awful mess! You say you have done some improvements? Thank the Lord I didn't see it before them.

I'm never thanked for my brutal honesty but when I see something like this I just have to wonder where you copied the little sections from and why you pasted them together in the order that you did.

Surprisingly enough, because I did read all that you wrote in order to give a qualified comment, the message you are trying to get across is a good one but you miss a major trick when you say 'enthusiasts' would not like the membership - shouldn't you have offered the option of joining and transforming from simple enthusiast to rabid, marketing machine?

About two thirds of the way down an excruciatingly boring and directionless page, you have two throw aways that deserve better - 'Make money' and 'Have fun' - NOW, there is a headline for you. That would catch and hold interest if the narative beneath it explained how and why the reader would achieve both.

You really need to think about what you are trying to say, why you are trying to say it and the level of intelligence of your readers. With your writing style, forget the long sales page, you should concentrate on getting your message across in such a way that a call to action would not only be anticipated but more likely to be acted upon.

[David Raybould]

Hey,

I just did a quick video critique of this for you...sent it via PM, hope it's useful

David

[bobcath]

I leave the page slightly confused. Suggest some work to simplify and clarify what you are offering.

Regards and good luck
Bobby

[Nathan Hangen]

The internet however made

Take that out

Now, I wouldn't buy and here is why:

You have good copy (in my opinion), but you haven't created value. You are almost there, but you don't provide any social proof. If you haven't provided features or proof, then you could be just another guy talking a big game. Tell people what they will become from joining your program. If you do that, then I think you'll have a nice page.

[philbowman]

I was also confused and left the page early.