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Better Than Mass Control?...

by TD
27 replies
...who knows!

I've just put up a new sales page for my new membership site, I'm not looking to sell anything here, however I would like some feedback on the effectiveness of my copy as I've added a few tricks to the sales page to make the offer almost irresistible.

Here's the link: One Mastery Series

Let me know what you think.
Regards
TD
#control #mass
  • Profile picture of the author yesacpow
    Originally Posted by TD View Post

    ...who knows!

    I've just put up a new sales page for my new membership site, I'm not looking to sell anything here, however I would like some feedback on the effectiveness of my copy as I've added a few tricks to the sales page to make the offer almost irresistible.

    Here's the link: One Mastery Series

    Let me know what you think.
    Regards
    TD

    Hey I didnot read through your sales letter but from almost half way down everything seems jumbled up. You might wanna check that out.
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    • Profile picture of the author TD
      Originally Posted by yesacpow View Post

      Hey I didnot read through your sales letter but from almost half way down everything seems jumbled up. You might wanna check that out.
      Thanks for the heads up I just viewed the page in Mozilla and it looks a mess I'll get it fixed.

      Just goes to show what an extra pair of eyes can tell you.

      Regards
      TD
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    • Profile picture of the author TE2
      You are going to have a tough time selling a big-ticket item with just a long sales page.

      You have no opt-in and aren't building a list so you also only get one shot to sell them.

      Better approach would be to build a list by giving them some incentive to opt-in and then pre-sell them by providing valuable content and "build trust".

      Regards,

      John
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      • Profile picture of the author TD
        Originally Posted by TE2 View Post

        You are going to have a tough time selling a big-ticket item with just a long sales page.

        You have no opt-in and aren't building a list so you also only get one shot to sell them.

        Better approach would be to build a list by giving them some incentive to opt-in and then pre-sell them by providing valuable content.

        Regards,

        John
        Thanks for the comments John

        I'm not just planning to sell with a long sales page I'm planning a launch with additional products that will allow them to sample the technology I've developed.

        I was only looking for feedback on the sales page, which is all over the place when you view it browsers other than IE, which I am working to fix.

        However, I appreciate you taking the time to look.

        Regards
        TD
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  • Profile picture of the author Mike Hill
    The long sales page is irrelevant because right at the top of the page you make a claim that is not backed up at all. These types of claims are so common place it will actually hurt you.

    The claim I'm talking about is: The One Mastery Series... Be The One Force That Shapes Your Destiny.

    That's a huge claim to make and will backfire, I'm almost positive. It doesn't speak in actual detail but makes a 'blanket' statement.

    Mike Hill

    PS. The font is all jumbled. The first bit of copy is all centered and the last bit seems like it's an H1 or H2 tag and is overlapping.

    PPS. I would be careful about mentioning anything to do with Ford or Henry Ford because everyone knows these car companies are getting bailed out right now by the Government so any mention or advice from these people will hurt you.
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    • Profile picture of the author TD
      Originally Posted by Mike Hill View Post

      The long sales page is irrelevant because right at the top of the page you make a claim that is not backed up at all. These types of claims are so common place it will actually hurt you.

      The claim I'm talking about is: The One Mastery Series... Be The One Force That Shapes Your Destiny.

      That's a huge claim to make and will backfire, I'm almost positive. It doesn't speak in actual detail but makes a 'blanket' statement.

      Mike Hill

      PS. The font is all jumbled. The first bit of copy is all centered and the last bit seems like it's an H1 or H2 tag and is overlapping.

      PPS. I would be careful about mentioning anything to do with Ford or Henry Ford because everyone knows these car companies are getting bailed out right now by the Government so any mention or advice from these people will hurt you.
      Hi Mike

      I totally understand your reaction to the headline, however I wouldn't make that kind of claim unless what I had developed in this site was something quite remarkable.

      Yes, the font is all over the place and I am working on it at present.

      I disagree on the point about Henry Ford as I feel that most people will not attach the owner who was a remarkable business man to the current management, however I will keep that in mind whilst testing the copy with others.

      Thanks though for taking the time to look at the page and giving feedback it all helps.

      Regards
      TD
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      • Profile picture of the author Mike Hill
        Originally Posted by TD View Post

        Hi Mike

        I totally understand your reaction to the headline, however I wouldn't make that kind of claim unless what I had developed in this site was something quite remarkable.

        Yes, the font is all over the place and I am working on it at present.

        I disagree on the point about Henry Ford as I feel that most people will not attach the owner who was a remarkable business man to the current management, however I will keep that in mind whilst testing the copy with others.

        Thanks though for taking the time to look at the page and giving feedback it all helps.

        Regards
        TD



        You're not getting me here... The point is what's the purpose of a claim when you have nothing there to immediately back it up. I'm not saying that your claim isn't true, in fact what I am saying is that you need to be more specific then back it up with unsurmountable proof.

        Do that and you're competition will not be able to take the same stance as you and will have to look at other angles to beat you.

        Also, it doesn't matter what you think or even what I think for that matter. All's I'm saying is that with my experience I can tell you that your ideal market will not think the same as you are right now.

        Take it or leave it... you asked for help so I'm just trying to give you some pointers based on experience not on theory. You shouldn't find the need to defend your position.

        Mike Hill
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        • Profile picture of the author TD
          Originally Posted by Mike Hill View Post

          You're not getting me here... The point is what's the purpose of a claim when you have nothing there to immediately back it up. I'm not saying that your claim isn't true, in fact what I am saying is that you need to be more specific then back it up with unsurmountable proof.

          Do that and you're competition will not be able to take the same stance as you and will have to look at other angles to beat you.

          Also, it doesn't matter what you think or even what I think for that matter. All's I'm saying is that with my experience I can tell you that your ideal market will not think the same as you are right now.

          Take it or leave it... you asked for help so I'm just trying to give you some pointers based on experience not on theory. You shouldn't find the need to defend your position.

          Mike Hill
          Hi Mike

          I take your points and they're well made, I wasn't trying to be defensive simply stating my point of view and being grateful that you took the time to take a look at my page.

          Your central point if I'm correct in my assumption is that I haven't communicated enough information on the page in order to justify the claims I've made and possibly the price, which is a pretty fair point.

          I'll take what you and others have said on board and review the sales page once I've finished correcting some of the crazy fonts, which are currently there.

          Big thanks for the imput.

          TD
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  • Profile picture of the author Kim Standerline
    Hi TD

    I find your fonts very small and difficult to read, I gave up after a few line

    Fonts are jumbled in FF look ok in IE

    Regards
    Kim
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    • Profile picture of the author TD
      Originally Posted by Kim Standerline View Post

      Hi TD

      I find your fonts very small and difficult to read, I gave up after a few line

      Fonts are jumbled in FF look ok in IE

      Regards
      Kim
      I think your right Kim thanks for the heads up.

      TD
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  • Profile picture of the author Nathan Hangen
    In my opinion, you are speaking to too broad of an audience. You might try narrowing down your audience.
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  • Profile picture of the author Steve Peters Benn
    The fonts are horrendous on FF, too many text colors, make the text bigger and substantiate your claims a little more.
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  • Profile picture of the author nicholasb
    a little rough on the eyes,
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  • Profile picture of the author LB
    You've got major font display issues at least in FF.

    If you are selling a $1,000 product the only right thing to do is hire a proven copywriter to craft a salesletter for you.
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  • Profile picture of the author Doug Castleton
    Just a comment on the appearance and not content:

    Looking through your source code, it appears that you converted from a Word document and MS Word is notorious for messing up html code. That's why it may look okay in IE but jumbled in other browsers. There is so much wasted coding in each of your table cells and paragraph sections that I'm sure you're experiencing a conflict between that bloated/redundant code and the cascading style sheet "css" that you've defined in your <head> section.

    Take your text back into a plain text editor such as NotePad, TextEdit, SimpleText, etc. and paste it back into a blank html page in whatever program you're using i.e. Dreamweaver. Let the formatting of your paragraphs follow the definitions in your css file and your page will load faster and be consistent in all browsers.
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  • Profile picture of the author JayInOrlando
    Mass Control.. Yes, you manged to mass control everyone on the warrior form to look at a pretty poor looking sales letter, in hopes someone might click and you'd make a sale.

    That would be my guess.

    I mean really, come on. This is a joke right? That page is HORRIBLE!


    Jay
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    • Profile picture of the author TD
      Originally Posted by JayInOrlando View Post

      Mass Control.. Yes, you manged to mass control everyone on the warrior form to look at a pretty poor looking sales letter, in hopes someone might click and you'd make a sale.

      That would be my guess.

      I mean really, come on. This is a joke right? That page is HORRIBLE!


      Jay
      Hi Jay

      If you really think that, then you're really cynical about people coming on this forum and asking for feedback.

      Some people have looked at my page and giving good honest and I'll be honest it needs work, however you're suggesting i just wanted to make a sale with a half hearted request for a review.

      If you have nothing to offer except ridicule I suggest you don't bother.

      Regards
      TD
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Dulisse
    I personally would start with a clean slate and rework it.
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  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    I don't see this product selling at this price point with this sales
    letter. Your headline, to start, is all over the place... a "kitchen
    sink" appeal. A lot of IM salesletter have those kinds of headlines
    but that doesn't mean they work well. Often the big launches with
    verbose headlines have so much pent-up demand the buyers
    are persuaded at the bottom, at the order form. You need a
    powerful headline and a systematic building of value for each
    component of your course. You have a lot of work to do to
    get the message that focused. This course might be easy to
    sell from the back of the seminar room. Online selling it will
    be trickier. You have to excite the prospect all by himself,
    without the benefit of the group buzz you sometimes get
    in a live situation.

    The "first 1000" scarcity appeal is not credible at all. I cringe
    when I see marketers try to do this sort of thing. Offer
    1-on-1 coaching to the first 10 and you've got genuine
    scarcity but the appeal you have here is not a winner in
    that department.

    Self-help is one of the trickier sells. Specific results like getting
    a thin body are much easier. Personal development is pretty
    darn general. You need to create "mind movies" of the
    expected results. There is a lot to it.
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    • Profile picture of the author bhevs
      I agree, I think it needs improvement.
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  • Profile picture of the author templarjustice
    1. The Font & Text is messed up. I thought I saw mispelled words so I put me off a bit.
    2. To many different color Texts.
    3. The PAYDOTCOM order button. (A high ticket item, IMO, utilizing PayDotCom I have never bought from. I'd rather purchase another payment system.) That could just be a personal thing.
    4. The video should be at the top vs. the bottom.
    5. Your bullet points all over the place is conflicting & also is long-winded. It should be clear & concise. Ex:
    ·Quickly become an expert in virtually any field within 72 hours
    ·Achieve virtually any goal you desire with the least amount of effort
    Really? Virtually any field? In this whole sales letter I fail to see one example. There might be, but I can't bother looking through it again. You have literally one chance to catch me for a sale, & it's usually going to be the Headline, the video if you have one, your payment mechanism & the concise bullet points that will solve my problem. With your system, I'm failing to see exactly what problem it solves generally & one big sample problem it will solve -- based on a quick review of the sales letter.
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    • Profile picture of the author TD
      Originally Posted by templarjustice View Post

      1. The Font & Text is messed up. I thought I saw mispelled words so I put me off a bit.
      2. To many different color Texts.
      3. The PAYDOTCOM order button. (A high ticket item, IMO, utilizing PayDotCom I have never bought from. I'd rather purchase another payment system.) That could just be a personal thing.
      4. The video should be at the top vs. the bottom.
      5. Your bullet points all over the place is conflicting & also is long-winded. It should be clear & concise. Ex:
      ·Quickly become an expert in virtually any field within 72 hours
      ·Achieve virtually any goal you desire with the least amount of effort
      Really? Virtually any field? In this whole sales letter I fail to see one example. There might be, but I can't bother looking through it again. You have literally one chance to catch me for a sale, & it's usually going to be the Headline, the video if you have one, your payment mechanism & the concise bullet points that will solve my problem. With your system, I'm failing to see exactly what problem it solves generally & one big sample problem it will solve -- based on a quick review of the sales letter.
      Hi Templarjustice

      This wouldn't be the first time a good product was messed up with a poor sales letter. I've taken your points on board and based on yours and others feedback I know that I need to do a better job on the copy and presentation.

      As well as the font, I obviously haven't communicated well enough why any person should join this site for the price offered so thats something I'll work on.

      Many thanks
      TD
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  • Profile picture of the author Tsnyder
    My opinion is that the table is too narrow
    and the font (the part that isn't screwed up)
    is WAY to small. When I view source it shows
    the font at 8.5 I'd boost it to 10 or 12 and
    make the table wider... 675-700 pixels

    Tsnyder
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    • Profile picture of the author davemiz
      am I the only one wondering wtf does this has to do with mass control?
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      • Profile picture of the author Asher
        Originally Posted by davemiz View Post

        am I the only one wondering wtf does this has to do with mass control?
        Nope, you're not alone.

        However, the OP just wants a review on his site and he worded
        it so that IMers will pay attention Can't say it's a bad job
        altogether to get attention.

        Asher
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  • Profile picture of the author Samuel Lee
    Great suggestions, there just to be a little bit tidying up required to make it neater. From what I can see, the font seems a little bit jumbled at the moment, (maybe a temporary glitch?). And probably you could align the copy to the left as it seems its all centered, hope it goes well and great work so far!
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