I Really Need YOUR Advice [Business School]

simmonsmike7 · 03-20-2009, 06:09 PM

My nephew got accepted into one of the top business schools in the United States and is really happy but the issue is the money. It's a really expensive school and he's writing a letter to the financial aid department for help in his tuition.

He asked me to look over the letter and give him suggestions. I know we have so many great business people on this forum that could touch up the letter, i thought why not post it here.

Come on guys, please see if you can help out my nephew with your skills, it just may save him 27 grand! This should be fun for all of us, here's the letter:

Quote:

Dear University Name,

My name is Full Name and I have been accepted to University Name for the coming Fall 2009 semester. I plan to spend the next three years of my college studies at University Name and am very excited. It’s been my dream to go to a reputable business school, and I am so glad that I got the opportunity. The only issue is the financial aspect, which is the reason for this letter. Please read this letter as you may be the one responsible for changing someone’s future.

As you know, the economy in the United States has been declining for many years and some would say we are in a heavy depression. My parents run a small business in a local mall which recently went bankrupt. Although at one point in time the business was generating good revenue, the economy kicked in and now they no longer own the store. My parents were planning on paying for my college tuition, but now they will have trouble doing so. They will still help me as much as possible, but it is truly tough on their end to spend money at this point.

I am confident that I have so much to offer University Name. The main reason being, I absolutely love business! I’ve read countless business books, participated in both FBLA & DECA, am an expert web/graphic designer, have awards for national competitions, and many things that show I am genuinely interested in being successful in business. I will bring all my enthusiasm, skills, and motivation to University Name.

University Name has committed to discover the leader in me, give me a great business experience, and most of all provide tremendous education. After a commitment has been made, there should be some consistency involved. The consistency comes into play when it comes to financial aid. I will be absolutely committed to University Name in my years spent there, and in turn I would need help paying for my tuition.

Statistics show that 95% of businesses fail within the first five years of startup. My theory on why that happens is simply because a lack of education. People believe starting a business is easy and knowledge isn’t necessary. I want to equip myself with business knowledge by attending University Name and as a result be in the 5% that succeed!

I’ve been accepted to a total of three other business colleges. To be honest, University Name is at the top of my list and my choice would be University Name ten times out of ten. The issue comes down to financial aid, and the fact that University Name is more expensive than all the other colleges. Even after the high expenses, I still have hope that University Name will understand my situation because I prefer it over the other colleges I have been accepted to.

In conclusion, I would request that University Name helps me with my financial aid as much as possible. I have filled out the FAFSA forms, but experience tells me they won’t cover much at all. Being a student I have no funds of my own, and as I mentioned earlier my parents are also facing financial issues due to the economy. Hope and faith in University Name tells me that somehow in the end it will all work out, so please do your best because my future, life, and success are in your hands.

Anna Johnson · 03-20-2009, 06:57 PM

I have zero experience in this kind of thing, but, to me, this letter drips of an entitlement mentality. I strongly recommend rewriting this and focusing on what the writer can do for the university, instead of what the university can do for the writer.

For example, how about doing some research into the university and finding out about some of their unmet needs, and then offering to help meet those needs? It could involve volunteering, doing unpaid work, or the like.

The bottom line is that the university may be getting tons of letters like this... all telling it why it should be providing financial aid.

Why not stand out and also have a better chance of getting financial aid by explaining what the student will do for the university that is worth way more than the financial aid? And if you can offer proof - real cases of where the student has done similar things in the past - even better.

Ironically, thinking in these terms is exactly the kind of thinking that makes for an effective business person.

Daisuke · 03-20-2009, 07:24 PM

If your parents aren't making a little bit below average amount of money then there is no reason for your nephew not to get accepted in FAFSA. And you told me his parents don't even own a business anymore.

Popstar · 03-20-2009, 07:28 PM

Skip the letter.

If you want financial aid, the best way to get it is to call the school and make an appointment to tour the school. Talk to the head of admissions and be sure to express your strong desire to go there. And be sure to talk to the head of financial aid and again, express your strong desire to go there... but let them both know that you really need some financial help to get there.

Be sincere, concise (which is a big reason why the letter doesn't work), and if you let them know that they're your first choice (as long as you can swing it financially), they'll come up with money on the spot.

Most people don't realize that the Director of Admissions and the Director of Financial Aid are usually sitting on cash grants to help people who are really interested. And they'll give them to you on the spot if you visit the school and express your strong desire to go there.

Be sure you know what number you need BEFORE you go. If they come in a little low, let them know that you'd appreciate it if they could come up with a little more to help you... whether it's in the form of a grant, scholarship, loan, or work/study. But of course, you'd rather have a grant or scholarship (you say with a smile).

If they want you, they'll come up with the money.

Been there, done that, it works.

Good luck,

Debbie

simmonsmike7 · 03-20-2009, 08:09 PM

Thanks for the suggestions.

I'll tell him everything and see what he comes up with. A buddy of his actually wrote a letter similar to this and got a free ride so that's where he got the idea, Debbie. Maybe a in person visit is far better..

03-20-2009, 06:57 PM	#2
Anna Johnson Senior Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Australia. Posts: 2,072 Thanks: 67 Thanked 140 Times in 50 Posts Social Networking	Re: I Really Need YOUR Advice [Business School] I have zero experience in this kind of thing, but, to me, this letter drips of an entitlement mentality. I strongly recommend rewriting this and focusing on what the writer can do for the university, instead of what the university can do for the writer. For example, how about doing some research into the university and finding out about some of their unmet needs, and then offering to help meet those needs? It could involve volunteering, doing unpaid work, or the like. The bottom line is that the university may be getting tons of letters like this... all telling it why it should be providing financial aid. Why not stand out and also have a better chance of getting financial aid by explaining what the student will do for the university that is worth way more than the financial aid? And if you can offer proof - real cases of where the student has done similar things in the past - even better. Ironically, thinking in these terms is exactly the kind of thinking that makes for an effective business person.
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03-20-2009, 07:24 PM	#3
Daisuke Follow Me on Twitter Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 89 Thanks: 97 Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: I Really Need YOUR Advice [Business School] If your parents aren't making a little bit below average amount of money then there is no reason for your nephew not to get accepted in FAFSA. And you told me his parents don't even own a business anymore.

03-20-2009, 07:28 PM	#4
Popstar Advanced Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: , , . Posts: 501 Thanks: 14 Thanked 19 Times in 16 Posts	Re: I Really Need YOUR Advice [Business School] Skip the letter. If you want financial aid, the best way to get it is to call the school and make an appointment to tour the school. Talk to the head of admissions and be sure to express your strong desire to go there. And be sure to talk to the head of financial aid and again, express your strong desire to go there... but let them both know that you really need some financial help to get there. Be sincere, concise (which is a big reason why the letter doesn't work), and if you let them know that they're your first choice (as long as you can swing it financially), they'll come up with money on the spot. Most people don't realize that the Director of Admissions and the Director of Financial Aid are usually sitting on cash grants to help people who are really interested. And they'll give them to you on the spot if you visit the school and express your strong desire to go there. Be sure you know what number you need BEFORE you go. If they come in a little low, let them know that you'd appreciate it if they could come up with a little more to help you... whether it's in the form of a grant, scholarship, loan, or work/study. But of course, you'd rather have a grant or scholarship (you say with a smile). If they want you, they'll come up with the money. Been there, done that, it works. Good luck, Debbie

03-20-2009, 08:09 PM	#5
simmonsmike7 HyperActive Warrior Join Date: Sep 2008 Posts: 237 Thanks: 9 Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts	Re: I Really Need YOUR Advice [Business School] Thanks for the suggestions. I'll tell him everything and see what he comes up with. A buddy of his actually wrote a letter similar to this and got a free ride so that's where he got the idea, Debbie. Maybe a in person visit is far better..