8 Habits Of People Who Want To Fail

It's my lunch break, and I'm bored, so I'm reading Google News while responding to various posts here on the WF. I keep reading all of these awesome examples of really cool things you can do to be successful, but I know for a fact that not everyone wants to be successful.

I decided to compile my own list of things you can to do guarantee that you remain a failure or, at best, not successful, in your own life and business.

#1 - Don't Set Goals

What do I mean? Well, don't set goals! Duh! Throw out your calendar and your Post-It Notes. Get rid of Google Calendar (or Outlook or whatever you use) and forget about time altogether. The only time you need to worry about is Beer Thirty, which falls every single hour as far as you're concerned.

#2 - Wing Everything

That's right folks, screw having a plan. Don't outline it, don't even think about it. Just come up with a hare-brained scheme and run with it as fast and hard as you can. If it's wrong, who care?

#3 - Don't Take Action

I know this contradicts with #2, which calls for you to actually do something, but how can you fail if you don't contradict yourself? Instead, sit down and play the new World of Warcraft: Mists of Pandaria that's coming out at midnight tonight and don't worry about your business.

#4 - Don't Learn From Successful People

This means you need to quit reading school textbooks. Don't read Forbes, USA Today, or the NY Times. Stop it now! From now on, it's nothing but Mad Magazine and Cracked.com for you!

#5 - Don't Make Adjustments

Your course has kept you from succeeding up until now, so why change it? If you were going to get rich, you would've had a massive computer business like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, or Tom from My_____ before you were 21. (That's MySpace for you people who are following #4 and are still reading Cracked.com.) It's too late for you now, so just give up and read some more Star Trek fan fiction and blog about it to the Big Bang Theory guys. (And quit staring at Penny...she's married and/or engaged.)

#6 - Don't Move Past Your Mistakes

Did you girlfriend dump you for being boring like that guy in the Citibank commercial? Did you not get a job because you didn't show up for an interview? Are you fat because you forgot to quit eating?

Good! Stick with those mistakes and don't try anything new.

#7 - Self Improvement Is For Losers

The last thing in the world you need to worry about is making yourself a better person. Don't brush your teeth, buy new clothes, or tie your shoe laces. Get your mom to buy you some more of those Velcro shoes so you quit tripping, though. That causes injuries and you're not going to be rich enough to get health insurance.

#8 - Do NOT Celebrate You Successes

This should be easy enough if you follow steps 1-7, which will keep you from having any success at all. If you accidentally screw up and do something right, however, don't tell anyone. Don't take yourself out to eat, don't get your (fake) girlfriend to get into bed with you, and certainly don't acknowledge your own success.

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I'm posting this in jest, but there are some good points here if you play the opposites game with my post. I actually did a little research and found a few lists of successful people and re-engineered them.

What are your thoughts?

-- j