ConfidenceMan

Hello,

First of all thank you for reading my post.

I have a question and I'm open to all suggestions. I'm a very confident young man and I don't really have any issues with self-esteem. I'm very happy with my life so far. All of my close friends would vouch for my self confidence.

Now here is the question I have. Because of my cultural upbringing, I'm generally not as talkative until I get to know people well. I prefer to listen and infer as much as possible about the people surrounding me. That quietness I possess seems to make people think that I LACK confidence. This is true both for my colleagues and women. What are some suggestions as to what I can do to make people feel that I'm more confident without having to be fake or changing who I am?

Like I said I'm open to all suggestions.

Thank you.

CDarklock

Three steps.

Step one, smile at everyone you see. Just get accustomed to the idea of greeting anyone and everyone with a smile. At first, you may be awkward and feel strange about it, but it will start to feel natural.

Once it does, move on to step two: greet everyone you see. Smile as usual, and say "hi" or "hey" or "how's it going?" to each and every person you encounter during the day. Again, this will feel awkward and strange for a while, but then you'll get used to it.

Once you're used to that, start asking people questions. Not everyone; that would look really weird. But when you smile at someone and say "hi," some of them will smile and say "hi" back. If you've both got a few minutes, ask a question. Find something distinctive about the other person, and ask about it. This will start a conversation.

You don't have to talk much. Just get the other person talking and let them talk. Look for clues about what they like, what they enjoy, and where their passions lie. Ask questions that lead them to talk about themselves. People love to do that. They'll do it all day.

You won't need to say much. Just ask a few questions, and off they'll go once you push the right button. Smile and nod and listen. As a side effect of this, you'll get to know people faster and feel more comfortable talking to them.

Your apparent lack of self-confidence will disappear, and people will start to think you're a wonderful conversationalist.

loalogic

use dry humor... works best with people who dont say much yet arent really shy or self-conscious.

ConfidenceMan

I always smile when I met people or when they pass me by. I will start saying hello to people even if I don't know them.

Now that you mention it, I think I appear to lack confidence because I don't like small talk. In the company lounge when somebody goes to get a water or coffee and they just start talking about the weather I usually acknowledge what they say and don't really say much more than that.

Thank you for bringing that up. It's a small thing but it's got me thinking.

emofree

another one you need to feel strong everyday bring your aura up and feel your presence to them. chin up look at your surroundings when you are walking. and they are right at smiling people's faces even if you don't know them brings you some relaxing feeling that you are not alone in this world.

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BurgerBoy

Always remember - you have two ears and one mouth.

That means a wise person listens to what the other person is saying twice as much as he talks.

You'll be amazed at some of the things they'll tell you if you let them do most of the talking.

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BigVin

one word...

BodyLanguage

ConfidenceMan

Thank you all for those suggestions. I will definitely incorporate them into my daily interactions at work.

I will come back here in a few days to give a progress report.

shoaibonline

hi freiend
here are two points for you.

Remember that no one is perfect. Even the most confident people have insecurities. At some point in any of our lives, we may feel we lack something. That is reality. Learn that life is full of bumps down the road.

Focus on your achievements rather than your failures. If you do find yourself thinking about how you failed then look at what you managed to do right and how you could correct what you did next time.

clubvikram

I do not think that this is a problem as such, i think your approach is that of a wise man who listens to first and then speak.your only problem seems to be your inability to make a 'small talk' to initiate the conversation but thats the problem with many people.This can be overcome with practice, by letting go of some of your inhibitions.

igorhelpsyousucceed

In order to look confident without being confident,
just change your body language.

More than 70% of communication is done via
the body. So watch the way you move and hold yourself
and you'll see people responding in an appropriate way.

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Bart Loos

Ok let me kick your ass.

.. why do you care that people think that you lack confidence...

.. why do you want to start behaving otherwise so that someone else might have a another view about you..

If you really are "very confident ... and have no self-esteem issues" .. as you say, the above would never be a problem.

Think about that.

Have fun

Bart

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ConfidenceMan

Well I'm an intern and in my mid-term review my boss said that people feel that I lack confidence because I'm not much of a talker. I have no problem with the way I am but while I'm at my internship I want to do what my boss suggests.

I personally prefer to be the quiet type and then surprise people.

Tristan Lee

Hey don't sweat. It is common for people to open up with other people after they get to know them better. What you're doing is completely normal.

But it seems from your post that you care about what people think about you initially when they see you. If you care about this, then it's best to take action right from the start. Ironically, it's best not to care about what others think.

But to solve this particular problem, this means that you just have to learn to initiate conversation with other people right from the get-go. If you can start doing this and have a passion for doing it, or at least make it seem like it's not a big deal to you, then people will start seeing you with genuine confidence.

Good luck and if you would like more in-depth pointers on the subject, I wrote a short article on it here: How to Improve Confidence.

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unintuitive

Perhaps it's a little off-topic, but the first thing that comes to my mind is, "Why the resistance to changing who you are?"

You are going to change - whether you want to or not - by the process of aging. Why not guide that change and construct a different, even better you?

Look into books by Tony Robbins and Maxwell Maltz for more information... if you dare!

Bart Loos

Ok,

Let us be clear on something.. not talking much does NOT equal lacking confidence.. Just as talking much does NOT equal being confident...

Actually very often the opposite is true. And it doesn't matter what your boss thinks about it or not.

Might it be that HOW you express yourself is much more of a factor why they feel that you lack confidence then how MUCH you actually say?

Have fun

Bart

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Ciara Mac Mahon

Hi there,

Maybe your boss is just trying to help you to develop skills that might be useful to you in the workplace. I don't know what line of work you're in but maybe an apparent lack of confidence (whether is it real or not!) could be a disadvantage to you in your particular environment? For example, maybe other colleages will pass on giving you more challenging pieces of work to do if they feel (rightly or wrongly) that you're not up to it? Maybe this could result in you missing opportunities to shine?

Also, maybe it's important to your boss that other colleagues / clients feel confident in you & your abilities? Is there a strong component of team work involved? Is it important that others are able to get to know you & your abilities quickly?

Why not approach this as a workplace experiment rather than an attempt to change your personality? - at least it would show your boss that you can take constructive feedback on board & have the initiative to take some action. There's been some fantastic advice above from CDarklock & the others, why not give it a whirl? Who knows you might get great results from it! Good luck

Shana_Adam

Yes a simple smile will do the trick initially. Also mirror behavior - an NLP tactic.

For example if every one is sitting up straight - you sit up straight like them it helps you feel in sync with the energy in the room. That way you wont feel like your the odd one out by sitting slumped, that's unless you like the attention it brings.So its small things like that.

It also depends on what the social situation is!
If there are a lot of loud alpha males - its nice to have quiet friendly guys you can have a chat with.


I cant remember where I heard this quote but one of the best ways to build rapport with a stranger is to make them feel like they are the most important person in the world - be interested listen to them and they will then ask you questions back and forth like ping pong

Be cool calm and collected - however it is probably your behavior that is giving signals that you are feeling uncomfortable therefore people start feeling uncomfortable

johndedwards

give yourself a set of standard questions that you can always ask a new person...what do you do, are u married, any children, where to you live, where do you work...if you have these in your mind then whenever u meet a new person then you can confidently engage in conversation.
Cheers,
John

Gary Pettit

Here are 10 helpful tips on how one can boost confidence.

Accept yourself

People should remember that everyone is unique and beauty is to be found in every human being. Yes, other people can be better in doing certain things but this fact shouldn't hinder people from being the best that they can be.


Self-Appreciation

Accepting oneself is different from appreciating oneself. Self-acceptance is a pre-requisite to self-appreciation but the latter must always be present. One might accept oneself under a pessimistic light and this is not very healthy. "I accept that I cannot do the things that I really want to do because I am weak" is a sample statement which depicts an unhealthy self-acceptance.
Appreciating oneself under a positive light is a definite self-esteem booster. One must highlight the good things about him and try to reinforce them and be better at those things.




Refrain from Comparing

Low self-esteem can be brought by the environment. Again, this can be traced to the lack of self-acceptance. Everybody is different and you have qualities that no other person has. A general sense of self-worth should be built without comparing oneself to other people.


Don't Put Yourself Down

Nobody's perfect. Making a mistake is definitely normal and people should start accepting this fact. People with low self-esteem tend to put themselves even lower by continuously and harshly putting themselves down. An inner voice which reverberates inside their heads tells them that there is no hope. This should not be the case and having control over the inner voices can be the solution for this problem. Cut yourself some slack, you've done your best and that's what's important.
Befriend Positive People

Having friends who are positive towards dealing with life's challenges can influence someone into seeing life in the same light and eventually build his self-esteem.
Remind Yourself of the Positive Things About You

Again, there is beauty in everyone. Remember all the things that you like about yourself and the good things which you have done and make a list of the most striking ones. This will help in self-appreciation and definitely give you something to smile about.
Use tools

Buying books, cd's and other materials about building self-esteem wouldn't hurt, would it? These materials can definitely provide some informative ways on how to deal with low self-esteem. However, buying these materials would be useless if the lessons which they give wouldn't be applied in real life.
Engage in Fun Activities

Having fun once in a while releases stress, takes the negative ideas out of one's head and leaves space for positive thoughts to fill in. Having fun makes one feel happy about oneself.
Hangout with Friends

Having fun can be done privately but nothing beats fun with friends. Friends are usually a part of the primary support group of a person and can provide much needed conversations for a down-and-out person.
Seek Help

When all else fail, seek professional help from a psychologist. There's nothing wrong with taking care of yourself since low self-esteem can lead to more serious problems.
Having low self-esteem can be solved with the right tools and the right attitude. Loving yourself is the ultimate way which leads to a healthy and a better "you".

thetruth23

I can fully appreciate the position your in, and its funny but all the self-confidence and belief in yourself is meaningless unless it is perceived that way by others.

If I were, I'd pay attention to how you're interacting with others. You're obviously giving off cues to others your around that you're not all that confident. It could be a number of things. Poor, submissive body language, weak or lack of eye-contact when being spoken to or when speaking, poor tonailty...the list is endless.

As has been mentioned already, your body language is going to be your biggest give away. That, and the manor in which you speak.

If I were to offer you some quick tips to get started, it would be:

1. Develop Strong Eye Contact. Careful here though, you don't need to weird people out by staring at them too long. Just enough for the other person to know your engaged in a conversation with them.

2. Strong and relaxed Body Language. Chin up, chest out, but don't over do it. Just relax, and be confortable in your body and in your surroundings. Don't be afraid to take up a bit more space than normal.

3. Clear voice and strong/deep tonality. Don't be a mouse.

Anyway, they're just a few things you can do straight away, but as I said it would be a good idea to pay a lot of attention to how you interact with others. There's obviously something your 'giving off' which is being perceived as shy.

And as in life, and especially marketing, perceptions matter!

Hope that helps!

EnergyAdvisor

First, self-confidence is a state of being. It has nothing to do with what you know, what you say or what you're not saying.
Second, the fact that you ask this question proofs that you aren't as confident as you say you are.

Think about this: Most people seek certainty in the eyes of others. This is not self-confidence. This is just ego-boosting.

True self-confidence is a state of being that has nothing to do with reason. It's an energetic state of being. If people have to know you first before they can say that you are confident then it's just a confident based on words.
If you're truly confident people will feel it even if they don't know you.
Some people suggest that you should not care what others think or say. I think you should care but let it not affect you.

ggconsulting

Hello

Get them to like you almost instantly will help with the process. I recommend a rapport building exercise with people that you meet straight from the off.

The best way to build rapport is to:

1. Ask them a question about themselves and respond with a secondary question as soon as they reply. This shows interest.

2. Mirror their body position, demeanour and breathing pattern.

3. Have the warmth in your smile throughout the process.

These strategies will radiate confidence to your engager.


Cheers

Geoff

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EnergyAdvisor

What has this got to do with self-confidence????
You're only trying people to like you.

ucajack

Well some people are blessed with natural self confidence abilities and lots depend upon the environment they grow up in. I feel self confidence could be generated through some discipline and training.

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excoder01

Everyone is born with ultra-self confidence.

It's through cultural upbringing, past negative experiences, and limited beliefs being programmed by society that we feel that need for approval.

You have to be really specific in what you're confident in and what is it your not.

The person who lacks the to engage in small talk, may be the most confident person performing analytical task/math stuff.

While the talkative person may be confident approach people, but lack confident doing something that requires technical stuff.

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ucajack

well i beg to differ with you on the perception of who could be called a confident person. a confident person to me is the one who not only does in its profession but also could confidently express its views before an assembly of people, could engage them and bring them around to its point of view.

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PeterDunin

I'm exactly the same as you people assume I'm lacking in confidence because I'm quiet.But I've come to terms with that 'you are who you are!'

ucajack

well Peter just because you are quiet does not mean that you are not confident. being confident does not mean that you should be a big mouth.
infact there are lots of quiet person i know they are better sorted and clear thinkers and yes more confident individuals.

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soependi

hang out with confidence friends
very simple way but effective

Art Of War Marketing

Confidence is 80% body language, tone of voice, assertiveness, and demeanor. Work on the suttle things ... they make the biggest difference, our subconscious pays attention more to these things than a more direct way of showing you are confident.

Rogerboy

Maybe you have social anxiety, I had it in college for a while and I had to drink a shot of whisky before a presentation just because I had no confidence whatsoever.
I conquered it by getting a girlfriend, going to the gym and improving my self appearance, it just kind of came back naturally although im still shy sometimes.

Vogin

Always look right in the eyes of everyone you meet, be it an old woman or a 6.5 feet tall soccer fan.

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Pisaka

Completely agree!

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anions

Why would you care if people think you lack confidence. Unless you're in an interview or something.

Also, 60% of all communication (maybe even more) is non-vocal.
IF someone is truly confident in the situation, it will easily project from his/her body language.

Cheers

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sweety4

Yes, self confidence is important thing, in middle of the way because of some reason anyone can loose confidence but that time trust on you. If you have confidence in yourself you can win everything those you can’t imagine.

humbledmarket

Hmm it's hard becuase you have to change your mentality. It might be hard and awkard to talk to someone who you don't really know.

But you don't necessary have to communicate to display self confident. Ensure you stand tall and be selfassured. Smile and be friendly whenever possible as someone noted.

Also I've heard walking faster also helps...not too sure where though

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Colin04

You have received a lot of good advice by asking your question.

Self-confidence is in essence about becoming more within Self than what one is already. This is the journey to Spiritual Freedom and then Spiritual Compatibility with another. This can happen within weeks or a few months for you once You have the right mentor and technologies. Getting a Numerology assessment of yourself will help with quick advice for you. Take it easy on yourself and don't go chasing perfection .. go for excellence instead.

By being very actively interested and involved in various activities other than your work, you will develop a wide base of areas that will make conversation much easier so that You don't have to be discussing formalities, work or small talk.

Just be yourself and become more and stronger within Self with time so that You become attractive which will have huge effects with the opposite sex as well.

If You continue to have doubts or issues, then you would be best to get your non-serving, limiting beliefs removed from your sub-conscious mind as they will block exactly what You want for yourself by them acting like very strong rubber bands, pulling you down time and time again to a place at which You don't to be. Technologies are now available to identify the exact causes within the sub-conscious mind and then do these sub-conscious releases very easily. The results are totally life changing and permanent. Warmest regards, Colin

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Suzanne7557

I've had the same thing most of my life. I'm generally quiet. Posture and body language can also say confidence, so just "FEEL" confident and secure and it will translate. And a big one, do not be so concerned with what others are thinking of you.

Mike Murphy

If you're confident and not afraid to speak your mind and the only thing holding you back from speaking up is your cultural upbringing, it's pretty much just a decision to change.

You asked "What are some suggestions as to what I can do to make people feel that I'm more confident without having to be fake or changing who I am?"

I've faced self-confidence issues in the past and it has cost me a lot. I'll come back to that...

There have been some great tips in this thread so far, but I would add in:

- Mind your posture. Stand upright and don't slouch.
- When you speak to someone, look them in the eye. Don't be creepy about it and try to stare them down, but don't look at your shoes or look away when you're speaking to them or they're speaking to you.
- Have a firm (but not crushing) handshake
- Speak with a loud, clear tone (but don't yell at them)
- Don't be afraid to share in the conversation.

I get what people are saying about 2 ears, one mouth and don't do all the talking and I agree 100%.

You also don't want to sit there blinking and staring at them while they ramble on forever. It has to be a 2 part conversation otherwise it becomes a speech for the other person.

Believe in what you say with all your heart and share it. People will respect that.

No having self confidence cost me relationships with ladies, jobs, spots in bands I wanted to join, meeting powerful people that could help me grow my business.

I recently went to an internet marketing seminar called NAMS and I am NOT a fan of doing video. I'm friends with a lady named Maritza Parra who is the queen of video on the net.

In her class we shot opt-in videos and she asked for 2 volunteers. I was almost in anxiety attack mode but threw my hand up anyway.

There were about 30 people in the class as well so that made it worse.

I was super glad I did it as facing our fears can really be liberating.

I also shot another video with another friend who is very afraid of doing videos. We were mocking our good friend Lynn Terry and another great marketer named Willie Crawford.

You can video the video here YouTube - NAMS4 Mike Murphy.mov

Not very serious but it was fun and it helps to build confidence.

Sounds like you're on the right track.

Be yourself and have fun.
Mike

p.s. I should point out that I do NOT have a Tennessee accent but Lynn does and was sitting on a couch right behind the camera. Carry on.

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