AnneE

I am generally a very upbeat person. But yesterday I had an encounter which left me angry, feeling mistreated, etc. And while I keep saying that I will discuss the issue non-emotionally with the other person next week. (There is a business relationship involved which must be continued for some amount of time, so I can't just cut ties). And that I want to put it behind me, I keep finding the phrases that were tossed at me yesterday, drifting back into my mind.

What do you do, to get rid of bad feelings whether they come from -- an argument, a complaint, a critical product review, etc. And put yourself in the frame of mind you need to be to get back to functionning at full-power, thinking good thoughts again?

Pat Ordenes

I think it basically comes down on what you focus on. If you focus on the negative part of a situation, you'll always run into that problem. I am NOT saying IGNORE the negative aspect. acknowledge it, of course.
This, however, should not mean you spending the next day or so reflecting on it...
instead look at ways in which you can avoid the situation in the future or how to improve your reaction, etc...
i mean you don't have to be all positive all of the sudden... just constructive helps.

Shariyf Clark

there's a couple of things you could do Anne. I use these techniques everyday when dealing with difficult situations and they work more and more each time I use them.

I noticed that you said your mind keeps looping the negative phrases you heard yesterday. I'd suggest practicing:

mentally muting the voice of the person saying the phrase and its replaying in your mind, or

pay attention to the "direction the voice is coming in your mind" i.e. the negative phrases enter your mind from the right side and down a little. Once you identify where the voice is coming from, try shifting the voice to a place further away from your head, like, under your foot or something...or,

you can play a static noice over the voice as its saying the negative phrase, kinda like trying to listen to someone who has a bad cell phone reception.

I hope these help you. They're proven NLP techniques that have helped me out a great deal.

AnneE

What's NLP??

Certainly the static, or placing thoughts further away are techniques I haven't heard of before. After I posted, I remembered someone else suggesting that you come up with a positive line to replace/drown out the negative... the idea being that your brain can't take in the two thoughts at once. So I'm kind of trying to come up with one that rings true....

Actually just typing this now, I am remembering one boss years ago, who was thrilled with how quickly I handled a request and had written 'Anne is GREAT!' on my board. When I stopped by the office with one of my kids, he thought I had written it -- ha ha... I guess if I can't come up with anything else, I'll play that line and squish yesterday's voice under my foot.

Thanks for the tip.

Shariyf Clark

NLP is neuro-linguistic programming. Its fun, easy and works. Google it for more info.

procoach

How to handle bad feelings whether they come from -- an argument, a complaint, a critical product review?

I largely concur with the other posts.

It actually comes down to powerfully chosing what will serve you best.

It helps to separate the feedback from the feelings and from the meaning.

success4all

Have you ever tried EFT. Great for situation like this. If not, Google and Youtube it & try it right away. Good luck.

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Ray Burke

The trick is to view the mind as a little sausage factory constantly producing the good, the bad and the ugly. We are so conditioned to react, rather than be conscious. Practice smelling the roses, listen to the wind. Practice yoga to get the body used to the idea that you are in contron and not your emotions.

MaryK

See the lesson that you have to learn. Negative thoughts/actions/words from others are a reflection of some part of ourselves.

When I am angry with someone, I always turn it around by remembering the only person I am really hurting with my anger is myself.

Does the feeling make me feel good? No, so why am I carrying it around all the time? These are the questions I ask myself. Then I realize that staying angry, being negative is wasting my time, my space.

I also mentally see myself putting the bad/angry/negative thoughts into a trash can, firmly shutting the lid and watching the trash men take it all away.

I also use meditation to calm down. A walk around the park or my garden also helps.

Walking meditation I find easier to do if I am angry, the movement helps calm me, as opposed to sitting still for a while.

Also, I too use EFT it's fantastic (see my site for more on EFT).

Mary K Gill

http://mindsetpowersite.com

Barry Goss

Mary, while it may seem disgracefully absurd to pick-holes in such a beautiful ( seemingly ) metaphysical axiom, the truth is that it's been way over-due for a MAJOR tune-up.

When you attempt to take responsibility for everybody else’s actions and behavior, and presume that EVERYTHING (yes, EVERYTHING) is a projection from inside you, not only do you take away the very things the people you’re taking responsibility for need most (a real-world awareness of their own part in their experiences), you can end up taking the concept of oneness to narcissistic levels.

Yup, believe it or not, there's external realities out there ( as in people operating and taking action mutually-exclusive of YOU ) doing their thing who, quite honestly, have nothing to do with you or your vibratory pattern. My god, take the pressure off yourself.

We just had a major discussion about this via this post:

Are You A Responsibility Addict?

doberman

Beware of those Dream stealers and Nay Sayers . I know now that when ever they start to rear their ugly head . I welcome them and Celebrate them as I beat them down . Because I know something great is about to happen . SO the great news is you can be excited since you can take this to the bank . Something Great is about to happen in your life . Thats why you are been hit with this negativity . The Dream Stealers and the Nay Sayers don't want you to succeed . Thery want to keep you right where you are . SO just stay focused on your purpose Like a Heat sensing missle .You are a Champion a Leader a Warrior so you will conquer and rise above

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Shariyf Clark

I agree with you Barry. Everyone is responsible for their own actions. Period. I battle with taking responsibility for other people's actions everyday and it does me absolutely no good. Really think about it for a moment: If someone you don't know, walks up to you and punches you in the face for no reason whatsoever, does it really make sense to justify it by telling yourself that you attracted it, or telling yourself that the other person's aggression is a reflection of your own aggression? Absolutely not. You didn't enter that person's mind and think the thoughts that caused their body to perform the attack. THEY DID. They had a choice of leaving you alone, but they chose not to. This is a pretty crude example but it can be generalized and applied to all areas of life. Really think about it.

MaryK

Barry I am not taking responsibility for other's actions, merely looking to see what aspect of them is within myself. It would be very presumputous of me to attempt to be responsible for another person's emotions. I am not and never would be, their emotional reality. It is a matter of semantics, seeing what is within yourself as a reflection or lesson to be learnt, does not in anyway infer 'responsbility' for anyone else's actions/emotions/words.

By the way. what on earth made you think I put pressure on myself. LOL that's something I never do, why do that? Waste of time and emotions.

We should probably beg to disagree. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, this is what makes life so very interesting and fascinating. What works for one person will not always be the right way for another.

Mary K Gill

http://mindsetpowersite.com

Monique Abrams

Ok Anne!

I have a big temper! Mostly, because I work very hard and it makes no sense to me why I would be mistreated, but it happens!

I have been doing this for years in restaurant management. Its a thankless job by the way.

Here goes:

1) Release your anger! Go home and vent! A lot! Vent to your most trusted person, but before you do let this person know you just want to talk to someone who will listen. You don't expect the problem to be solved. Listening to yourself will help you organize your thoughts.

2) Bring back some happy feelings! Once a little of your anger has been released, go out and have some fun!!!! NO WORK TALK!!!! Take your kids to chuckie cheese (if that's fun), or go to a loud bar and watch the game. Me? I slam jagermiester shots and hope I win at golden tee. Anything that will take your mind off work and get your happy thoughts back into your mind. Working out is also a good idea.

3) Open up your heart! Go home and find a quite place without distraction. Grab a pen and paper and write down everything you are grateful for. These things can be general or specific. This is called the Grateful List. I do this one often.

4) Brainstorm your solutions! After your mind is no longer completely consumed with negativity, you can now work on forming some positive solutions. Grab a piece of paper and write down everything you would like to talk about. Organize your thoughts.

5) Help the other person! I would suggest approaching your boss with the intention of only hearing his point of view without saying any of your own thoughts. By doing this, you are helping your boss relieve his possible resentment or anger for you (if there is any) and then you can come to a solution at the end of your meeting or a later date. Feel it out. This is important because it also lets them know they can safely talk to you.

About the last step, more often than not, when I do this I discover that the anger that resides in that person really does not have anything to do with me, but involves their own personal stress that they are releasing on me negatively.

Your goal is to be heard when both you and the other are in a better state of mind. You have the right to be heard just as much as the other person.

This is very important! Make sure you have true intentions of coming to a positive solution! That may sound funny, but many people enjoy the drama and really do not care to resolve.

Now, that's my own personal process. You don't need to follow it to the T, but maybe you may find something you would like to try.

Good luck to you, Anne!

Reading all the previous posts, I'm positive you will come up with a good way to overcome this!

Ross "The Pit Boss"

Two things that I would suggest to you, AnneE.

To begin with, one of the first things I do when any form of negativity comes up in me is I ask myself, "what am I afraid of losing?" All negative emotions are based in the fear of loss. So, in your situation, take a look at it and ask yourself if you are really "losing" anything. The majority of the time (like 99%) you'll see that you are infact not losing anything. That helps to track the emotion, so that you can more easily let it go.

The other thing to do is to forgive yourself. You got into a "situation", and you got afraid, but you're ok now. Forgiving yourself gives you yet another tool for letting go of those unwanted things, and getting your emotional state back to one that is more at ease. Once you're at ease, you'll be able to look at the situation and come up with appropriate responses to set it on the course you want.

Joschu

Hi Anne!
Well, I guess almost, no in fact EVERYBODY, knows quite well what you are talking about, because that kind of situation appears all too often in life.
I don´t know wether you are a religious person or not, but I can tell you that building up a relationship to God has had an enormous positive effect on MY life.
Its sooooooo wonderful to know, that he is there, just waiting for you to come before him and hand over all of your fears, sorrows, problems,... in his almighty hands.
To trust him that he IS good, that he is truthful and trustworthy and that you simply need to believe that he will lead everything to a perfect end.
He knows ways, when we don´t even see another door and he is more than willing to let us partissipate in his wisdom!
So talking to Jesus and God father will be a real help!
Greetings from overseas,
God bless you,

Joschu

dorothydot

I calm down from bad encounters [as the first woman Forest Ranger and Arborist there were plenty of those!] by going into my forests, sitting down and being still. The peace always seeps into my soul, sooner or later.

And I also will take my harp outside and play. Usually there's one melody that says what's in my heart; I play this tune over and over - effectively hypnotizing myself with it. That calms me immeasurably.

Also the harp music attracts birds - they come around and start singing! How can feelings stay hurt in such magic? One night last summer, a pair of rabbits came out and just sat as I played, still and listening, for well over 20 minutes.

Hope this helps,
Dot

"Sell the Magic of A Dream"
www.DP-Copywriting-Service.com

Barry Goss

Mary,

If you truly feel everything you experience is a reflection of you, you've got some considerable belief-busting, and intelligent introspection, to engage in.

Shariyf, you said it best by saying:

"...Really think about it for a moment: If someone you don't know, walks up to you and punches you in the face for no reason whatsoever, does it really make sense to justify it by telling yourself that you attracted it, or telling yourself that the other person's aggression is a reflection of your own aggression? Absolutely not...."

oboi2121

Hello Omari Taylor here,

1)Well I'm upset or angry at someone I usually do something I enjoy that relieves stress like, working out at the gym or doing some boxing.

2)One other thing I do it think about my goals. That always makes me happy because I know I'm going to reach them and you should too.

3)Another thing I do is go see my 1 year old nephew and play with him. A baby you love will always make you happy.

Omari Taylor

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steven20

visualise putting the negative thoughts into a balloon and imagine the thoughts as a colour. Then release balloon into the sky.

Jonathan 2.0

Something that works for me is becoming "The Observer Of My Mind."

I learned this skill from studying spiritual material and practicing meditation. People are reactive to their thoughts. They respond to them mentally and emotionally. They identify with them. And they think their thoughts are part of who they are.

But this isn't the case.

As I posted recently:

"People are not their thoughts, they think they are, and it brings them all kinds of sadness."—Peaceful Warrior

Spiritual teacher Eckhard Tolle calls this "Reacting to content." Being "The Observer Of Your Mind" means that instead of responding and identifying with your thoughts you simply observe them. Understand that "You" ("The Observer") and "Your Thoughts" ("Content Of Your Mind") are separate.

This takes some practice but it's well worth the small amount of effort to be able to practice this skill. After some time you'll be able to comfortably, peacefully, and non-judgementally observe your thoughts without responding to them. This is a peacefully liberating experience. And people experience it often. Usually in the evening before they go to bed when they're relaxed and at peace with themselves.

Take 15 minutes to practice being "The Observer Of Your mind." Get relaxed and comfortable and simply observe your thoughts.

Don't try to respond, control, or change them. Let them be. Simply observe them. Let them slowly drift in and out of your mind as you become more mentally in control. In this state you're relaxed and at peace and you can see that "You" and "Your Thoughts" are separate. And with more time your thoughts become less and less until you're in a wonderful, calm, peaceful state of mind.

That's what I do. And I've used this to "cure" depression and experience extraordinary moments of inner tranquillity.

Jonathan 2.0

rafaelapolinario

When you feel extremely angry and frustrated just let your self count from one to ten to help your feelings die down a bit. This trick always works on me.

redspin17

I don't try to shake negative thoughts, I just let them past. The more you resist them, the more they will persist. It's like trying not to focus on a pink elephant. Once you know there is something you need to avoid, then part of your mind naturally goes to it.

Brian | Redspin
Penetration Testing

Shy

Hi Anne! Here are a couple techniques I use for negative comments:

I say to myself "Cancel that."

If I'm replaying the event in my mind I envision it in color...then I take the picture and make everyone gray...like the old black and white TV movies. Then I shrink it down to a very small picture, hang it on a wall, and walk away from it.

After doing either of those techniques, I follow with something fun.

Shy

James Clark

Dear AnneE,

That may be a bad experience that you would like to forget, but can’t. My thought is this. We don’t have enough information. Was it a bad email, or a letter, or phone call? Clearly, I have a method of dealing with each one separately. Personally, a bad phone call is the most difficult one to handle. People have their own problem to deal with and sometimes they want to dump them on you.

When stuff like this happens in the future, the short answer is this. Just try to get through the day.

Things look different the next day.

Jimmy.

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