LAUGH Your Way to the BANK!

Karen Connell · 05-04-2009, 10:30 AM

And one for the guys.....

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men?
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

honestbizpro · 05-04-2009, 09:23 PM

Funny stuff dhrousha. Humor is always good ice breaker for networking.

I want to learn some magic too!

YouTube - scary and best magic trick ever

brucerby · 05-05-2009, 12:18 AM

Wow, that is toooo spooky. How does he do that?
_____
Bruce

brucerby · 05-05-2009, 12:24 AM

When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. …

Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life.

Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for…

...Unless it's death by meteor.

Karen Connell · 05-05-2009, 05:31 PM

A passenger plane has gone out of control and is plummeting toward Earth.
One of the stewardesses rushes into the cockpit and screams to the handsome pilot,

"Captain,please make me feel like a woman once more before I die."

"O.K." says the captain,ripping off his shirt. "Iron this for me"

Karen Connell · 05-05-2009, 05:57 PM

One last one - for today anyway!

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

Karen Connell · 05-05-2009, 05:59 PM

OK - just one more...

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.

"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job. A job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try."

"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife

Karen

moneycometh · 05-05-2009, 06:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dhrousha

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important to find a man that a man helps you around the house.

2. It is important to find a man that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important to find a man that loves you and spoils you.

5. It is VERY important that these four men don't know each other.

That is so cool. I really like the part to be sure they don't know each other!

honestbizpro · 05-05-2009, 06:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thomas1857

Now I feel much better!!

)

That's what it's all about thomas!

Now get back to work.

moneycometh · 05-05-2009, 06:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dhrousha

OK - just one more...

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.

"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job. A job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try."

"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife

Karen

I like this one too!

Karen Connell · 05-05-2009, 06:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by honestbizpro

That's what it's all about thomas!

Now get back to work.

Over here it's time for bed - night all!

Karen

moneycometh · 05-05-2009, 06:23 PM

I just found this thread this evening. I've been laughing ever since. Thanks everybody!

1 Marketing · 05-05-2009, 09:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dhrousha

Anyone want any more?

I have loads!

Karen

Hey Karen,

Feel free to send you contribution here.

But if you are interested in have sending the jokes in private... ;-) check your PM for my email address... LOL

Karen Connell · 05-06-2009, 04:30 AM

A little girl asked her father: 'How did the human race appear?'

The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.
The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her father and said,
'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?'
The father answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers.'

Karen Connell · 05-06-2009, 04:47 AM

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed, married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.

Karen Connell · 05-08-2009, 10:23 AM

This is a long one - but persevere...

These are sentences typed wrongly by Medical Secretaries

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
2. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Karen Connell · 05-08-2009, 10:34 AM

The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation in
October 1995, between a US Navy ship and The British authorities, near the coast of England. The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.

BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid collision

U.S.NAVY: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision

BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

U.S.NAVY: This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again,divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.

U.S.NAVY: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITISH: We are a lighthouse. Now clear off.

(last 3 words edited...)

honestbizpro · 05-08-2009, 10:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 1J Smith

You can easily make funny video websites, and then profit from them nicely. Many people have done it and are making a ‘happy’ living off it.

That's right! And making money while having fun has to be pretty darn cool.

awddjawb · 05-08-2009, 01:09 PM

This is someone elses don't remember where from.
A man goes into a priests booths to repent for his sins. He tells the priest that he indulged in carnal pleasures with a member of the church. The man then told the priest he was a student of the church and humbly begs forgiveness. The priest inquires, was it Martha son? The man responds no. The priest again asks, perhaps it was Sister Lisa? Again the man says no. The priest tells the student he values his silence and assigns him 10 Hails Marys and 5 Our Fathers. So the student goes out of the booth and into the pew to begin his prayers when his friend walks up and asks how it went. He said I have 15 prayers to do but its okay because the priest gave me two leads.

Tim Thach · 05-09-2009, 12:01 AM

ROTFLMAO!!!
Thanks everyone for turning what was a lousy day into a better one.

My favs are the "Where's God" and the Medical Secretary mistakes.

honestbizpro · 05-09-2009, 11:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tim Thach

ROTFLMAO!!!
Thanks everyone for turning what was a lousy day into a better one.

My favs are the "Where's God" and the Medical Secretary mistakes.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Karen Connell · 05-14-2009, 05:50 AM

Two elderly ladies meet in the street after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."

honestbizpro · 05-14-2009, 09:51 AM

Hey Dhrousha,

I knew you would be back with another zinger!

YouTube - Funniest Commercial Ever

Karen Connell · 05-15-2009, 02:16 AM

Love the video - I have 5 sons!

Happily all grown up!

Karen

Karen Connell · 05-15-2009, 02:20 AM

A completely inebriated Irishman was stumbling down O'Connell Street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Ah Jaysus, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, Pal, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the Irishman said, "Thanks be ta Jaysus - I thought I was crippled!!"

PrettyJenny · 05-15-2009, 02:40 AM

Oh LOL, I love this thread haha
Ok I have one:
"One journalist visited a tribe to write a report about their daily life. He had a tribal friend to take him around and showed him to different places. When walking in the forest, they saw a big dark cave. The tribal friend told him "the women are inside there, I will ask them if I can join them for some fun." The tribal guy then made a howling sound and there were a lot of howling back. The guy took off his clothes and jumped into the cave. The journalist was very amazed, thinking: "what a strange and cool way of flirting they have!".

The next day, the journalist was walking around the tribal area alone and he ran into a very big cave. This one was even bigger than the one yesterday. He thought: "Should I get myself some tribal fun before leaving tomorrow?". Then he imitated his friend by howling to the cave. Waited. Waited. Then suddenly there was a lot of long howling sound coming out from the cave. The journalist took it as a "Yes, you can come in". He was very happy, took off all of his clothes and jumped in...

... The next morning, on the local newspapers, there was a big headline on the first page: "Naked man killed by the train".

Karen Connell · 05-15-2009, 03:01 AM

O.K. Last one - no more procrastination...

Two blokes in a bar bragging bout all the wonderfull things they have seen in life, each trying to outdo the other.

Barman finaly interupts them "i'll show you something neither of you will have seen"
He proceeds to pull out a box from under the bar he pulls out a tiny grand piano and a little man only about a foot high.
"ok do your stuff"
The little man plays Chopan, Mozart the lot.
Barman picks him up and puts him back in the box.
"where the hell did you get him" asked one of the men
"I was walking down the beach one day and saw a bottle have buried in the sand and when I picked it up and rubbed it, a geni jumped out and said I get a free wish for releasing him"
" What a load of rubbish"
"true" said the barman and pulled an old bottle out of the box
one bloke grabbed bottle and before the barman could stop him rubbed the bottle, poof - out jumped a genie.
"you can have one free wish"
"I want a million bucks "said the man
"so it shall be " poof - the geni dissapeared and they were surrounded by about a million DUCKS
"I wanted BUCKS not DUCKS" the man bleated

"you dont think I wished for a 12 inch PIANIST do you" said barman

Karen Connell · 05-15-2009, 03:23 AM

Just one more....honest!

A man has just had a huge row with his wife so he drives off into the country side and comes across a huge long funeral snaking accros the road.
He sees a man with a huge fierce dog at the front of the long line of somber men all walking slowly behind the coffin.
Curosity gets the better of him so he gets out of the car and walks alongside the man and dog behind the coffin. "Who is in the coffin "he asks

"Oh that's my wife's coffin" comes the reply.

"She must have loved that dog for you to take it to her funeral?" the visitor says

"No, she hated that dog and whats more the dog hates all women" the man replies

The visitor looks round and notices that the line behind has about 5 or 600 people in it and not a woman to be seen.

"The dog hates all women" says the visitor

"Yes all women , but particularly women that nag and my wife was a terrible nag, the more she nagged the more the dog hated her till he eventually attacked her and killed her." said the man.

Well the visitor starts to think about his nagging wife

"Tell me is there any chance I could borrow that dog for a while." the visitor asks.

The man leading the dog gestures behind to the line of somber men "You'll have to get to the back of the queue".

honestbizpro · 05-15-2009, 10:51 AM

Good ones guys! OK here is a couple.....

A very shallow and egotistical lawyer had just got a brand new BMW and as he was getting out of his new car a pick up truck sped by and ripped off his car door!

The lawyer was furious and when the cops came he shouted "I can't believe that jerk ruined my new car!

The officer had a shocked look on his face and said "Please calm down Sir, I think you should get your priorities in order!" Don't you realize that your arm has been ripped off?!!!

The lawyer suddenly stopped shouting for a minute then shouted..."my Rolex!!!"

************************************************

Now four friends were out golfing one day when one had to run to the rest room.

In the mean time they got to chatting and bragging about their sons.

One golfer claimed....my son is so successful that he bought a friend a new Mercedes car from his 5 star auto dealership he owns.

The next golfer claimed....well my son is doing so well with his contracting business that he was able to put a friend in a new house!

The third golfer said that his jewelry business is doing so well that he gave a friend a rolex for his birthday!

When the fourth golfer returned....they all asked how is son is doing these days....

He kinda looked down and said....well, I just found out my son is gay...but I guess he's doing OK because his friends have given him a new house, a new Mercedes, and even a new rolex!

Karen Connell · 05-15-2009, 03:14 PM

Hi Again Honestbizpro,

Found out three years ago that my youngest son is gay - must tell him to find new friends... LOL

Karen

honestbizpro · 05-15-2009, 09:35 PM

When you are having a bad day, just come back to this Video.

YouTube - Baby Dancing to Beyonce

Karen Connell · 05-16-2009, 03:22 AM

When you are having a bad day, just come back to this Video.

What a gas!

Good start to the day.

Karen

Karen Connell · 05-17-2009, 08:38 AM

I defy you not to laugh...

www.youtube.com/watch?v=1w3evmb-z4Y

honestbizpro · 05-17-2009, 11:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dhrousha

I defy you not to laugh...

www.youtube.com/watch?v=1w3evmb-z4Y

I don't get the joke, and since it is not in english I am not sure there was a joke!

BurgerBoy · 05-17-2009, 12:39 PM

Letter To The Bank

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account by $50 by way of penalty, for the inconvenience I caused your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes, and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment and I know you will be excited to hear about it.

To this end, please be advised of the following changes.

I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no other alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his or her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course I will issue your employee a PIN number which he or she must quote in dealing with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits, but again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your bank phone service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new phone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice service.

Press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4.To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. The password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general compliant or inquiry; The Contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. This month I have chosen a refrain from (The Best of Woodie Guthrie): Oh, the banks are made of marble, with a guard at every door, and the vaults are filled with silver, that the miners sweated for.

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost, which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.

First, there is the matter of advertising material that you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquires from the Authorized Contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.

Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you. The new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You will be well advised to keep your inquires brief and to the point.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of the new arrangements.

Your Humble Client,

BurgerBoy

honestbizpro · 05-17-2009, 01:36 PM

Get that to Congress as soon as possible Burger Boy! I love it.

Karen Connell · 05-18-2009, 07:23 AM

Honestbizpro - the interviewer could not stop laughing at the other mans voice - there was no joke...

Burger Boy - Can I use that to send to my bank? I love it!!!

Karen Connell · 05-22-2009, 08:17 AM

The Great Truths Of Life

Great Truths That Little Children Have Learned:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap

honestbizpro · 05-22-2009, 01:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dhrousha

The Great Truths Of Life

Great Truths That Little Children Have Learned:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap

You are back in form Dhrousha! Thanks, needed that.

Karen Connell · 05-22-2009, 07:55 PM

Great Truths about being Middle Aged

1) Your back goes out more than you do.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Your family discuss you like you're not there.
4) Things you buy now won't wear out.
5) Middle age is when an allnighter is not getting up to go to the bathroom.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.7) Middle age is when you throw a party and your neighbours don't even notice

Karen Connell · 05-22-2009, 08:04 PM

How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

1,392:

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently,
4 to complain that they were happy with the old one,
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs,
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs,
53 to flame the spell checkers,
156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list,
41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames,
109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb,
203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped,
111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list,
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty,
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs,
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs,
12 to flame the AOL users for violating netiqutte and blame them for starting this whole thing,
3 to post about links they found from the URLs that "are relevant to this list, which makes light bulbs relevant to this list,"
45 posts about weather or not AOL should even be allowed to exist,
33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too,"
12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy,
19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three,"
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ,
1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup,
47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here, 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

Karen Connell · 05-22-2009, 08:13 PM

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly.
"Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,
"Any idea where we are?" Mick said "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year...

honestbizpro · 05-23-2009, 09:44 PM

That David Blaine is Awesome?

YouTube - David Blaine Street Magic Part 2

Karen Connell · 05-26-2009, 05:40 AM

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"
She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"
He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her."
"Let me see your hands!" she demands.
He shows his wife his powdery hands. "Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

honestbizpro · 05-26-2009, 10:09 PM

Another good one Dhrousha

Phoebe · 05-27-2009, 02:15 AM

dyslexics have more nuf!

honestbizpro · 05-27-2009, 11:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phoebe

dyslexics have more nuf!

We marketers can certainly use more nuf in our lives!

Karen Connell · 05-27-2009, 05:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by honestbizpro

We marketers can certainly use more nuf in our lives!

I agree - you can never have enough nuf!

Karen Connell · 05-29-2009, 01:31 AM

A man walks in a bank, gets in line, and when it's his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the bank!
But, just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line,
'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The customer replies
'Yes, I did!'
The bank robber raises his gun, points it to his head and BANG!!!!!...kills him.
He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says loudly to this man,
'DID YOU SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?'
The man calmly responds...

'No, I didn't, but my wife did!'

BeauJustin · 05-29-2009, 11:33 AM

A man goes to the Doctor for a routine checkup. A very somber Doctor comes back into the examination room with the test results.

He tells the man I have some good news, and some very bad news.

The man, hangs his head for a moment and then tells the Doctor, "OK, give me the good news first."

The Doctor smiles and says, "Well the good news is, they're going to name a disease after you!"

05-04-2009, 10:30 AM	#51
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 407 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 61 Thanked 45 Times in 37 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! And one for the guys..... How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. ------------------------------------------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. ------------------------------------------------------------------- I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Women will never be equal to men? Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. ------------------------------------------------------------------- In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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05-05-2009, 12:18 AM	#53
brucerby Veteran Copywriter War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Chicago Il Western Suburbs Posts: 657 Thanks: 213 Thanked 73 Times in 35 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! Wow, that is toooo spooky. How does he do that? _____ Bruce

05-05-2009, 12:24 AM	#54
brucerby Veteran Copywriter War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Chicago Il Western Suburbs Posts: 657 Thanks: 213 Thanked 73 Times in 35 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. … Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for… ...Unless it's death by meteor.

05-05-2009, 05:31 PM	#55
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 407 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 61 Thanked 45 Times in 37 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! A passenger plane has gone out of control and is plummeting toward Earth. One of the stewardesses rushes into the cockpit and screams to the handsome pilot, "Captain,please make me feel like a woman once more before I die." "O.K." says the captain,ripping off his shirt. "Iron this for me"
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05-05-2009, 05:57 PM	#56
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 407 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 61 Thanked 45 Times in 37 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! One last one - for today anyway! Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
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05-05-2009, 05:59 PM	#57
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 407 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 61 Thanked 45 Times in 37 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! OK - just one more... One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared. "I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said. The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job. A job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try." "Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife Karen
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05-05-2009, 06:23 PM	#62
moneycometh Jackie K. Anderson Join Date: May 2007 Location: Bolingbrook, Il Posts: 82 Thanks: 16 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! I just found this thread this evening. I've been laughing ever since. Thanks everybody!
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05-06-2009, 04:30 AM	#64
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 407 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 61 Thanked 45 Times in 37 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! A little girl asked her father: 'How did the human race appear?' The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.' Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.' The confused girl returned to her father and said, 'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?' The father answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers.'
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05-06-2009, 04:47 AM	#65
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 407 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 61 Thanked 45 Times in 37 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A. Both of them. Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? A. He buys two cases of beer. Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds? A. The bonds mature. Q. Why are blonde jokes so short? A. So men can remember them. Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? A. We don't know; it has never happened. Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? A. They already have boyfriends. Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow. Q. Why are married women heavier than single women? A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed, married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? A. They're married.
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05-08-2009, 10:23 AM	#66
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 407 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 61 Thanked 45 Times in 37 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! This is a long one - but persevere... These are sentences typed wrongly by Medical Secretaries 1. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 2. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared. 7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 9. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission. 10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful. 11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 12. She is numb from her toes down. 13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. 14. The skin was moist and dry. 15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. 16. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. 18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce. 19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy. 20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present. 24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. 25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. 26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. 27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. 28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed. 29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. 31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. 32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead. 33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
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05-08-2009, 10:34 AM	#67
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 407 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 61 Thanked 45 Times in 37 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and The British authorities, near the coast of England. The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95. BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid collision U.S.NAVY: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. U.S.NAVY: This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again,divert YOUR course. BRITISH: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course. U.S.NAVY: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. BRITISH: We are a lighthouse. Now clear off. (last 3 words edited...)
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05-08-2009, 01:09 PM	#69
awddjawb Warrior Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 3 Thanks: 1 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! This is someone elses don't remember where from. A man goes into a priests booths to repent for his sins. He tells the priest that he indulged in carnal pleasures with a member of the church. The man then told the priest he was a student of the church and humbly begs forgiveness. The priest inquires, was it Martha son? The man responds no. The priest again asks, perhaps it was Sister Lisa? Again the man says no. The priest tells the student he values his silence and assigns him 10 Hails Marys and 5 Our Fathers. So the student goes out of the booth and into the pew to begin his prayers when his friend walks up and asks how it went. He said I have 15 prayers to do but its okay because the priest gave me two leads.

05-09-2009, 12:01 AM	#70
Tim Thach Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Point, UT, USA Posts: 27 Thanks: 9 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! ROTFLMAO!!! Thanks everyone for turning what was a lousy day into a better one. My favs are the "Where's God" and the Medical Secretary mistakes.

05-14-2009, 05:50 AM	#72
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 407 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 61 Thanked 45 Times in 37 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! Two elderly ladies meet in the street after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!" "Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?" "Opened a can of peas instead."
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05-15-2009, 02:16 AM	#74
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 407 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 61 Thanked 45 Times in 37 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! Love the video - I have 5 sons! Happily all grown up! Karen
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05-15-2009, 02:20 AM	#75
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 407 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 61 Thanked 45 Times in 37 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! A completely inebriated Irishman was stumbling down O'Connell Street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." Our wasted friend asked, "Ah Jaysus, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, Pal, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the Irishman said, "Thanks be ta Jaysus - I thought I was crippled!!"
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05-15-2009, 02:40 AM	#76
PrettyJenny HyperActive Warrior Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: In a delicious sin Posts: 119 Thanks: 7 Thanked 15 Times in 11 Posts Contact Info	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! Oh LOL, I love this thread haha Ok I have one: "One journalist visited a tribe to write a report about their daily life. He had a tribal friend to take him around and showed him to different places. When walking in the forest, they saw a big dark cave. The tribal friend told him "the women are inside there, I will ask them if I can join them for some fun." The tribal guy then made a howling sound and there were a lot of howling back. The guy took off his clothes and jumped into the cave. The journalist was very amazed, thinking: "what a strange and cool way of flirting they have!". The next day, the journalist was walking around the tribal area alone and he ran into a very big cave. This one was even bigger than the one yesterday. He thought: "Should I get myself some tribal fun before leaving tomorrow?". Then he imitated his friend by howling to the cave. Waited. Waited. Then suddenly there was a lot of long howling sound coming out from the cave. The journalist took it as a "Yes, you can come in". He was very happy, took off all of his clothes and jumped in... ... The next morning, on the local newspapers, there was a big headline on the first page: "Naked man killed by the train".

05-15-2009, 03:01 AM	#77
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 407 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 61 Thanked 45 Times in 37 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! O.K. Last one - no more procrastination... Two blokes in a bar bragging bout all the wonderfull things they have seen in life, each trying to outdo the other. Barman finaly interupts them "i'll show you something neither of you will have seen" He proceeds to pull out a box from under the bar he pulls out a tiny grand piano and a little man only about a foot high. "ok do your stuff" The little man plays Chopan, Mozart the lot. Barman picks him up and puts him back in the box. "where the hell did you get him" asked one of the men "I was walking down the beach one day and saw a bottle have buried in the sand and when I picked it up and rubbed it, a geni jumped out and said I get a free wish for releasing him" " What a load of rubbish" "true" said the barman and pulled an old bottle out of the box one bloke grabbed bottle and before the barman could stop him rubbed the bottle, poof - out jumped a genie. "you can have one free wish" "I want a million bucks "said the man "so it shall be " poof - the geni dissapeared and they were surrounded by about a million DUCKS "I wanted BUCKS not DUCKS" the man bleated "you dont think I wished for a 12 inch PIANIST do you" said barman
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05-15-2009, 03:23 AM	#78
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 407 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 61 Thanked 45 Times in 37 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! Just one more....honest! A man has just had a huge row with his wife so he drives off into the country side and comes across a huge long funeral snaking accros the road. He sees a man with a huge fierce dog at the front of the long line of somber men all walking slowly behind the coffin. Curosity gets the better of him so he gets out of the car and walks alongside the man and dog behind the coffin. "Who is in the coffin "he asks "Oh that's my wife's coffin" comes the reply. "She must have loved that dog for you to take it to her funeral?" the visitor says "No, she hated that dog and whats more the dog hates all women" the man replies The visitor looks round and notices that the line behind has about 5 or 600 people in it and not a woman to be seen. "The dog hates all women" says the visitor "Yes all women , but particularly women that nag and my wife was a terrible nag, the more she nagged the more the dog hated her till he eventually attacked her and killed her." said the man. Well the visitor starts to think about his nagging wife "Tell me is there any chance I could borrow that dog for a while." the visitor asks. The man leading the dog gestures behind to the line of somber men "You'll have to get to the back of the queue".
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05-15-2009, 10:51 AM	#79
honestbizpro Senior Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: , , . Posts: 2,209 Thanks: 95 Thanked 236 Times in 151 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! Good ones guys! OK here is a couple..... A very shallow and egotistical lawyer had just got a brand new BMW and as he was getting out of his new car a pick up truck sped by and ripped off his car door! The lawyer was furious and when the cops came he shouted "I can't believe that jerk ruined my new car! The officer had a shocked look on his face and said "Please calm down Sir, I think you should get your priorities in order!" Don't you realize that your arm has been ripped off?!!! The lawyer suddenly stopped shouting for a minute then shouted..."my Rolex!!!" ************************************************ Now four friends were out golfing one day when one had to run to the rest room. In the mean time they got to chatting and bragging about their sons. One golfer claimed....my son is so successful that he bought a friend a new Mercedes car from his 5 star auto dealership he owns. The next golfer claimed....well my son is doing so well with his contracting business that he was able to put a friend in a new house! The third golfer said that his jewelry business is doing so well that he gave a friend a rolex for his birthday! When the fourth golfer returned....they all asked how is son is doing these days.... He kinda looked down and said....well, I just found out my son is gay...but I guess he's doing OK because his friends have given him a new house, a new Mercedes, and even a new rolex!
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05-15-2009, 03:14 PM	#80
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 407 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 61 Thanked 45 Times in 37 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! Hi Again Honestbizpro, Found out three years ago that my youngest son is gay - must tell him to find new friends... LOL Karen
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05-16-2009, 03:22 AM	#82
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 407 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 61 Thanked 45 Times in 37 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! When you are having a bad day, just come back to this Video. What a gas! Good start to the day. Karen
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05-17-2009, 12:39 PM	#85
BurgerBoy Chick Magnet Join Date: May 2009 Location: Murray, Kentucky Posts: 180 Thanks: 11 Thanked 18 Times in 16 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! Letter To The Bank Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account by $50 by way of penalty, for the inconvenience I caused your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes, and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment and I know you will be excited to hear about it. To this end, please be advised of the following changes. I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no other alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his or her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee a PIN number which he or she must quote in dealing with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits, but again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your bank phone service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new phone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice service. Press buttons as follows: 1. To make an appointment to see me. 2. To query a missing payment. 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. 4.To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. The password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact. 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7. 9. To make a general compliant or inquiry; The Contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. This month I have chosen a refrain from (The Best of Woodie Guthrie): Oh, the banks are made of marble, with a guard at every door, and the vaults are filled with silver, that the miners sweated for. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost, which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the matter of advertising material that you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquires from the Authorized Contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you. The new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You will be well advised to keep your inquires brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of the new arrangements. Your Humble Client, BurgerBoy
	My Coupons Shop - Collectible Dolls Shop - Nursing Scrubs Shop - I Recommend And Use HostGator Hosting When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did - in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car did when he went to sleep while driving.

05-17-2009, 01:36 PM	#86
honestbizpro Senior Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: , , . Posts: 2,209 Thanks: 95 Thanked 236 Times in 151 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! Get that to Congress as soon as possible Burger Boy! I love it.
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05-18-2009, 07:23 AM	#87
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 407 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 61 Thanked 45 Times in 37 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! Honestbizpro - the interviewer could not stop laughing at the other mans voice - there was no joke... Burger Boy - Can I use that to send to my bank? I love it!!!
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05-22-2009, 08:17 AM	#88
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 407 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 61 Thanked 45 Times in 37 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! The Great Truths Of Life Great Truths That Little Children Have Learned: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap
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05-22-2009, 07:55 PM	#90
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 407 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 61 Thanked 45 Times in 37 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! Great Truths about being Middle Aged 1) Your back goes out more than you do. 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 3) Your family discuss you like you're not there. 4) Things you buy now won't wear out. 5) Middle age is when an allnighter is not getting up to go to the bathroom. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.7) Middle age is when you throw a party and your neighbours don't even notice
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05-22-2009, 08:04 PM	#91
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 407 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 61 Thanked 45 Times in 37 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb? 1,392: 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently, 4 to complain that they were happy with the old one, 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs, 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs, 53 to flame the spell checkers, 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list, 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames, 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb, 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped, 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list, 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty, 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs, 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs, 12 to flame the AOL users for violating netiqutte and blame them for starting this whole thing, 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that "are relevant to this list, which makes light bulbs relevant to this list," 45 posts about weather or not AOL should even be allowed to exist, 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too," 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy, 19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three," 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ, 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup, 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here, 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
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05-22-2009, 08:13 PM	#92
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 407 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 61 Thanked 45 Times in 37 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?" Mick said "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year...
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05-26-2009, 05:40 AM	#94
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 407 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 61 Thanked 45 Times in 37 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM. "Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!" She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!" He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands. "Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"
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05-26-2009, 10:09 PM	#95
honestbizpro Senior Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: , , . Posts: 2,209 Thanks: 95 Thanked 236 Times in 151 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! Another good one Dhrousha
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05-27-2009, 02:15 AM	#96
Phoebe Warrior Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Tropical far north queensland, Australia Posts: 11 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! dyslexics have more nuf!

05-29-2009, 01:31 AM	#99
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 407 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 61 Thanked 45 Times in 37 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! A man walks in a bank, gets in line, and when it's his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the bank! But, just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line, 'Did you see me rob this bank?' The customer replies 'Yes, I did!' The bank robber raises his gun, points it to his head and BANG!!!!!...kills him. He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says loudly to this man, 'DID YOU SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?' The man calmly responds... 'No, I didn't, but my wife did!'
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05-29-2009, 11:33 AM	#100
BeauJustin Active Warrior Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 67 Thanks: 16 Thanked 11 Times in 8 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! A man goes to the Doctor for a routine checkup. A very somber Doctor comes back into the examination room with the test results. He tells the man I have some good news, and some very bad news. The man, hangs his head for a moment and then tells the Doctor, "OK, give me the good news first." The Doctor smiles and says, "Well the good news is, they're going to name a disease after you!"
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