LAUGH Your Way to the BANK!

brucerby · 05-29-2009, 12:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeauJustin

.....The Doctor smiles and says, "Well the good news is, they're going to name a disease after you!"

Beau, that is one funny joke! LOL
_____
Bruce

Muhammad Hassan · 05-29-2009, 01:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by honestbizpro

"Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?

The old drunk, of course; the other three don't exist."

(some poetic license with the quote)

That one would work so much better here in the UK if it used politician instead of lawyer. People from the UK would definitely know why.

luthekar · 05-30-2009, 02:26 AM

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel shoved in his pants.

Puzzled, the bartender asks the pirate "What's with that ship wheel in your pants?"

The pirate responds "Arrgh. It's drivin' me nuts!"

Phoebe · 05-31-2009, 08:33 PM

Two unionists were passing a construction site and observed a backhoe bulldozer hard at work. One said to the other, "That horrible machine! If it wasn't there, six men with shovels could be on that job!"
The other one replied, "And if it weren't for your six shovels, 200 men with teaspoons could be at it!"

Phoebe · 05-31-2009, 08:33 PM

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:

Buying a stronger whip.
Changing riders.
Threatening the horse with termination.
Appointing a committee to study the horse.
Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
Appointing an intervention team to reanimate the dead horse.
Creating a training session to increase the rider's load share.
Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead."
Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.
Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its full original cost.
Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
Do a time management study to see if lighter riders would improve productivity.
Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.
Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.
Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.
Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses.
Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

beamer1959 · 06-01-2009, 07:25 AM

brucerby! The video! I am laughing so hard I'm crying! My neighbors probably think I'm insane! Thank you so much!

bjallen · 06-01-2009, 08:55 AM

I LOVE this stuff... esp. the funny headlines. Thanks everyone!!

honestbizpro · 06-01-2009, 06:39 PM

I have been traveling non stop but just got a chance to log in...had to get a good laugh first!!!

Karen Connell · 06-05-2009, 01:20 AM

Courtroom Dramas
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****t'in me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Karen Connell · 06-05-2009, 01:54 AM

Man in court on murder charges, Judge says to him "you're here on two counts of murder, first you battered your wife to death with a hammer".
A voice from the back of the court shouts "you rotten b*st*rd".
The Judge asks for silence, "you have also been charged with the murder of your daughter, also with the use of a hammer".
You lousy lying b*st*rd" the voice at the back of the court shouts.
"If there are any more outbursts in my court," the judge says, "you will be charged with contempt,do you know the prisoner?"
"Do i know him?" shouts the man, "I lived next door to him for twenty years, and every time I asked to borrow his hammer the lying b*st*rd told me he didn't have one!"

Maureen · 06-06-2009, 01:44 AM

The Little Frog

This Frog hops up on the counter and says to the bank teller, "I want a loan."

So the teller says, "You'll have to see the loan officer.. her office is down the hall, and the name on the door says 'Patricia Wack'.. go see her."

So the Frog hops off the counter, goes down the hall and into Ms. Wack's office, jumps up on her desk and says "I want a loan."

Ms. Wack is quite puzzled, and gives the standard line.. "We must have something to secure the loan.. some collateral."

At that the frog pulls out a ceramic lion, places it on her desk and repeats that he wants a loan.

So Patricia picks up the ceramic lion, goes across the hall to the bank president's office, places the ceramic lion on his desk, and tells him.. "I have this frog in my office, who says he wants loan.. and this is what he has to secure it.. and I don't even know what this thing is."

The bank president looks at the ceramic lion, looks at Ms. Wack, looks back at the "ceramic lion" and finally says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan."

Maureen · 06-06-2009, 01:47 AM

“Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?”

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."

"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it."

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

Karen Connell · 06-06-2009, 09:18 AM

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces
to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

Karen Connell · 06-06-2009, 09:42 AM

FOR SALE :

Complete set of encyclopedia 45 volumes,excellent condition.
$2000 or nearest offer.
No longer needed - NOW MARRIED and wife knows everything!!!

Karen Connell · 06-06-2009, 09:44 AM

....It's the NRL Grand final and a bloke makes his way to his seat right on the wing. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

'No,' says the neighbour. 'The seat is empty.'
'This is incredible', said the bloke. 'Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for NRL Grand final and not use it?'
The neighbour says
'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first NRL Grand final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.'
'Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?' The man shakes his head 'No, they're all at the funeral.'

brucerby · 06-06-2009, 01:46 PM

My crazy cousin Cal says these things all the time:

Whenever he fills out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:
" he puts, "DOCTOR".

Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them".
Cal says "If you can't beat them, then beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.”

More of Cal’s favorite sayings:

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

Cal says, "I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car." (that cracks me up!)

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. LOL!
_____
Bruce

Karen Connell · 06-06-2009, 02:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by brucerby

My crazy cousin Cal says these things all the time:

Whenever he fills out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:
" he puts, "DOCTOR".

Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them".
Cal says "If you can't beat them, then beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.”

More of Cal’s favorite sayings:

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

Cal says, "I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car." (that cracks me up!)

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. LOL!
_____
Bruce

I already like your cousin Cal. X

Karen Connell · 06-11-2009, 12:12 AM

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife/girlfriend in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, who is really happy to see you!

honestbizpro · 06-11-2009, 12:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dhrousha

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife/girlfriend in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, who is really happy to see you!

I can always depend on you for a good laugh when I need it!

You might as well make humor a part of your internet marketing!

Karen Connell · 06-11-2009, 11:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by honestbizpro

I an always depend on you for a good laugh when I need it!

You might as well make humor a part of your internet marketing!

Thanks for that - wish I knew how to market a good laugh - I would be very rich!

Any suggestions?

Have a good day.

Karen

Karen Connell · 06-11-2009, 12:11 PM

IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY

Artery…………………………………..The study of paintings.
Bacteria………………………………..Back door to cafeteria.
Barium…………………………………What relatives do when someone dies.
Benign………………………………….What you be, after you be eight.
Caesarean Section………………………A neighbourhood in Rome.
Catscan…………………………………Searching for kitty.
Cauterise………………………………..Made eye contact with her.
Colic…………………………………….A sheep dog.
Coma……………………………………A punctuation mark.
Dilate……………………………………Live long.
Enema…………………………………..Not a friend.
Fester……………………………………Quicker than someone else.
Fibula……………………………………A small lie.
Impotent…………………………………Distinguished, well known.
Labour pains…………………………….Getting hurt at work.
Medical staff……………………………..A doctors cane.
Morbid…………………………………..A higher offer.
Nitrates………………………………….Cheaper than day rates.
Node…………………………………….I knew it.
Outpatient……………………………….A person who has fainted.
Pelvis……………………………………Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative………………………….A letter carrier.
Recovery room…………………………Place to do upholstery.
Rectum…………………………………Nearly killed him.
Secretion………………………………..Hiding something.
Seizure………………………………….Roman Emperor.
Tablet…………………………………..A small table.
Terminal illness…………………………Getting sick at the Airport.
Tumour…………………………………One plus one more.

Karen Connell · 06-11-2009, 12:14 PM

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil...

p.s. Does anyone think I have too much time on my hands?

Karen Connell · 06-11-2009, 12:17 PM

Definately Last One...

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning, by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago
when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?"
"I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk

honestbizpro · 06-11-2009, 08:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dhrousha

p.s. Does anyone think I have too much time on my hands?

that is also funny!

um...no comment!

brucerby · 06-12-2009, 11:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dhrousha

p.s. Does anyone think I have too much time on my hands?

NO, not at all! ...all I know is, If I need to find you, ....
I KNOW WHERE TO LOOK! :-) lol
_____
Bruce

honestbizpro · 06-13-2009, 03:54 PM

I found a Top Secret Warrior Investigaton!

Members of the Warrior Forum - Are They Really Who They Say They Are?

.

moneysoapbox · 06-14-2009, 02:56 AM

Little Red Riding Hood is standing by the wolf, who's wearing Red's grandma's clothing and is in her bed.

"My grandma, what big teeth you have!"

The wolf jumps out of bed and says, "All the better for you to SUCK MY D**K!"

Red Riding Hood looks at him and says, "NO No no you can't change the story! YOU are supposed to eat me!"

honestbizpro · 06-14-2009, 03:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by moneysoapbox

Little Red Riding Hood is standing by the wolf, who's wearing Red's grandma's clothing and is in her bed.

"My grandma, what big teeth you have!"

The wolf jumps out of bed and says, "All the better for you to SUCK MY ****!

Red Riding Hood looks at him and says, "NO No no you can't change the story! YOU are supposed to eat me!"

And your Avatar looks so Angelic!

hostingbabble · 06-14-2009, 04:15 PM

funny read

TheGodfather · 06-15-2009, 11:13 AM

Nice post guys, check this out...

YouTube - Robin Williams On GOLF (Funny a$ F**k)

TheGodfather · 06-15-2009, 11:16 AM

and this

YouTube - Robin Williams - The French

TheGodfather · 06-15-2009, 11:18 AM

and this ....

YouTube - Monty Python - Four Yorkshiremen

TheGodfather · 06-15-2009, 11:25 AM

Also here is a joke I remembered (one of many that i know)

First God created Earth, on the 6th day he created Adam and let him wonder around to name the animals. Soon Adam realized that each animal had a life partner that just seamed perfect for that animal. So he turned to God: God, can you make me a partner, I do not wish to be the only one here without a match?
So god taught it trough and said to Adam: Okay but it will cost you a testicle, a kidney, half of your liver and a rib.
Adam seamed overwhelmed and asked the lord to give him some time to think this trough. So at the end of that day Adam called back to God once he decided: God, Tell me... what can I get for a rib?

honestbizpro · 06-16-2009, 08:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dhrousha

Thanks for that - wish I knew how to market a good laugh - I would be very rich!

Any suggestions?

Have a good day.

Karen

Hi there Karen.

Oh my some good humor sites get so much traffic they can just live off sponsored ads alone! Not to mention Flip Value if they ever sell.

If you can team up with a good artist and create your own charcters and create some crazy comics, flash, or even videos people can email to friends you will hit gold.

Thats going Viral baby!

I remember an interview with Joe Shields of Joe Cartoon...he was a one man show with his comic website but multi-millionaire now.

http://joecartoon.atom.com/

Karen Connell · 06-17-2009, 11:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by honestbizpro

Hi there Karen.

Oh my some good humor sites get so much traffic they can just live off sponsored ads alone! Not to mention Flip Value if they ever sell.

If you can team up with a good artist and create your own charcters and create some crazy comics, flash, or even videos people can email to friends you will hit gold.

Thats going Viral baby!

I remember an interview with Joe Shields of Joe Cartoon...he was a one man show with his comic website but multi-millionaire now.

JoeCartoon- Animation, Funny Videos, Cartoons & More

Hey Honestbizpro,

Hmmm... Food for thought...

Will put that little idea in the bank to figure out later!

No more jokes - concentrating on making money now!

Regards

Karen

Karen Blundell · 06-18-2009, 01:05 AM

I love this thread...laughter attracts prosperity, so please keep 'em coming!

Karen Connell · 06-26-2009, 04:55 PM

Long time no see...

How cute is this?

The Exercise Dog on Yahoo! Video

uncle randy 71 · 06-26-2009, 05:01 PM

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re for

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

dsanchez · 06-27-2009, 01:17 PM

I absolutely loved this thread.

Thank you guys for making my day a lot brighter!

I hope you keep on posting some more

Dagmar

wildfremd · 06-27-2009, 04:17 PM

HAHAHAAH that's awesome. love it!

brucerby · 06-28-2009, 12:22 AM

When Women Say These Things...BE AFRAID!

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career"

"So many men, so few who can afford me"

"Coffee, chocolate, men ... Some things are just better rich"

Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen

Security Alert: "I’m out of estrogen and I have a gun"

"What a shame, All stressed out and no one to choke"

"I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people"

"How can I miss you if you won't go away?"

"Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies"

And last but not least:

"If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen"

Karen Connell · 06-28-2009, 04:55 AM

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot.
Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot.

After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.
The bartender is curious and asks him,
"Every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."

Karen Connell · 06-28-2009, 04:58 AM

And another...

Two Irishmen get a job working for McAlpine in the desert
When they get off the plane one turns to the other and says....................
"F**k this lets go before the cement comes..."

Karen Connell · 06-28-2009, 05:12 AM

Last one now - stuff to do...

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.....
Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real....
Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive....
On the side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small
sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell.... The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you, my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in er...possibly doing business.'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.'
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man,
'Please knock on this door'
He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.
This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway'.

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!

Karen Connell · 06-28-2009, 05:20 AM

Defo last one...

A young boy comes down for breakfast and since they live on a farm his mother asks
if he has done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks the chicken.
When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow, and when he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.
I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
"Are you going to tell him or should I ??!!"

moneysoapbox · 06-28-2009, 05:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dhrousha

Last one now - stuff to do...

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.....
Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real....
Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive....
On the side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small
sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell.... The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you, my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in er...possibly doing business.'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.'
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man,
'Please knock on this door'
He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.
This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway'.

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!

VERY nice XD

Sue Harrison · 06-28-2009, 06:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dhrousha

This makes me howl every time I read it!

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop..........
…

LOL - I've got tears in my eyes from laughing, just picturing that - soooo funny

Sue Harrison · 06-28-2009, 07:02 AM

Why men should (?) write advice columns...

Dear Terry,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was made redundant six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Sheila

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,
Terry

Sue Harrison · 06-28-2009, 07:05 AM

A real Australian Outback Story

A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.
Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.
Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his manhood and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head

The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his manhood unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly spoke up.......... 'I'll try it -

Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!

brucerby · 06-28-2009, 02:34 PM

Sue that is such a funny little item!!! ...and it is so true! ..cracks me up
(I'm referring to the advice column joke)
_____
Bruce

05-30-2009, 02:26 AM	#103
luthekar Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: May 2009 Posts: 12 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel shoved in his pants. Puzzled, the bartender asks the pirate "What's with that ship wheel in your pants?" The pirate responds "Arrgh. It's drivin' me nuts!"

05-31-2009, 08:33 PM	#104
Phoebe Warrior Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Tropical far north queensland, Australia Posts: 11 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! Two unionists were passing a construction site and observed a backhoe bulldozer hard at work. One said to the other, "That horrible machine! If it wasn't there, six men with shovels could be on that job!" The other one replied, "And if it weren't for your six shovels, 200 men with teaspoons could be at it!"

05-31-2009, 08:33 PM	#105
Phoebe Warrior Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Tropical far north queensland, Australia Posts: 11 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following: Buying a stronger whip. Changing riders. Threatening the horse with termination. Appointing a committee to study the horse. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included. Appointing an intervention team to reanimate the dead horse. Creating a training session to increase the rider's load share. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired. Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead." Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its full original cost. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance. Do a time management study to see if lighter riders would improve productivity. Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better. Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

06-01-2009, 07:25 AM	#106
beamer1959 Donna Anderson War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Naples, Florida Posts: 200 Thanks: 68 Thanked 35 Times in 20 Posts Contact Info	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! brucerby! The video! I am laughing so hard I'm crying! My neighbors probably think I'm insane! Thank you so much!

06-01-2009, 08:55 AM	#107
bjallen Active Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Maryland, and sometimes West VA , . Posts: 35 Thanks: 1 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! I LOVE this stuff... esp. the funny headlines. Thanks everyone!!

06-01-2009, 06:39 PM	#108
honestbizpro Senior Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: , , . Posts: 2,209 Thanks: 95 Thanked 236 Times in 151 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! I have been traveling non stop but just got a chance to log in...had to get a good laugh first!!!
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06-05-2009, 01:20 AM	#109
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 407 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 61 Thanked 45 Times in 37 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! Courtroom Dramas These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you ****t'in me? ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? --- And the best for last: --- ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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06-05-2009, 01:54 AM	#110
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 407 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 61 Thanked 45 Times in 37 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! Man in court on murder charges, Judge says to him "you're here on two counts of murder, first you battered your wife to death with a hammer". A voice from the back of the court shouts "you rotten bstrd". The Judge asks for silence, "you have also been charged with the murder of your daughter, also with the use of a hammer". You lousy lying bstrd" the voice at the back of the court shouts. "If there are any more outbursts in my court," the judge says, "you will be charged with contempt,do you know the prisoner?" "Do i know him?" shouts the man, "I lived next door to him for twenty years, and every time I asked to borrow his hammer the lying bstrd told me he didn't have one!"
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06-06-2009, 01:44 AM	#111
Maureen Active Warrior Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: , , Canada. Posts: 34 Thanks: 1 Thanked 3 Times in 2 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! The Little Frog This Frog hops up on the counter and says to the bank teller, "I want a loan." So the teller says, "You'll have to see the loan officer.. her office is down the hall, and the name on the door says 'Patricia Wack'.. go see her." So the Frog hops off the counter, goes down the hall and into Ms. Wack's office, jumps up on her desk and says "I want a loan." Ms. Wack is quite puzzled, and gives the standard line.. "We must have something to secure the loan.. some collateral." At that the frog pulls out a ceramic lion, places it on her desk and repeats that he wants a loan. So Patricia picks up the ceramic lion, goes across the hall to the bank president's office, places the ceramic lion on his desk, and tells him.. "I have this frog in my office, who says he wants loan.. and this is what he has to secure it.. and I don't even know what this thing is." The bank president looks at the ceramic lion, looks at Ms. Wack, looks back at the "ceramic lion" and finally says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan."
	Maureen

06-06-2009, 01:47 AM	#112
Maureen Active Warrior Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: , , Canada. Posts: 34 Thanks: 1 Thanked 3 Times in 2 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! “Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?” "USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." "I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three." "I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it." "I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
	Maureen

06-06-2009, 09:18 AM	#113
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 407 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 61 Thanked 45 Times in 37 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Maude: What in the hell is that? Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Maude: Where did you get it? Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.' The pharmacist fainted.
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06-06-2009, 09:42 AM	#114
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 407 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 61 Thanked 45 Times in 37 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! FOR SALE : Complete set of encyclopedia 45 volumes,excellent condition. $2000 or nearest offer. No longer needed - NOW MARRIED and wife knows everything!!!
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06-06-2009, 09:44 AM	#115
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 407 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 61 Thanked 45 Times in 37 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! ....It's the NRL Grand final and a bloke makes his way to his seat right on the wing. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. 'No,' says the neighbour. 'The seat is empty.' 'This is incredible', said the bloke. 'Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for NRL Grand final and not use it?' The neighbour says 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first NRL Grand final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.' 'Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?' The man shakes his head 'No, they're all at the funeral.'
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06-06-2009, 01:46 PM	#116
brucerby Veteran Copywriter War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Chicago Il Western Suburbs Posts: 657 Thanks: 213 Thanked 73 Times in 35 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! My crazy cousin Cal says these things all the time: Whenever he fills out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify: " he puts, "DOCTOR". Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". Cal says "If you can't beat them, then beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.” More of Cal’s favorite sayings: Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste. Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast. Cal says, "I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car." (that cracks me up!) Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. LOL! _____ Bruce

06-11-2009, 12:12 AM	#118
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 407 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 61 Thanked 45 Times in 37 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your wife/girlfriend in the boot of the car for an hour. When you open the boot, who is really happy to see you!
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06-11-2009, 12:11 PM	#121
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 407 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 61 Thanked 45 Times in 37 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY Artery…………………………………..The study of paintings. Bacteria………………………………..Back door to cafeteria. Barium…………………………………What relatives do when someone dies. Benign………………………………….What you be, after you be eight. Caesarean Section………………………A neighbourhood in Rome. Catscan…………………………………Searching for kitty. Cauterise………………………………..Made eye contact with her. Colic…………………………………….A sheep dog. Coma……………………………………A punctuation mark. Dilate……………………………………Live long. Enema…………………………………..Not a friend. Fester……………………………………Quicker than someone else. Fibula……………………………………A small lie. Impotent…………………………………Distinguished, well known. Labour pains…………………………….Getting hurt at work. Medical staff……………………………..A doctors cane. Morbid…………………………………..A higher offer. Nitrates………………………………….Cheaper than day rates. Node…………………………………….I knew it. Outpatient……………………………….A person who has fainted. Pelvis……………………………………Second cousin to Elvis. Post Operative………………………….A letter carrier. Recovery room…………………………Place to do upholstery. Rectum…………………………………Nearly killed him. Secretion………………………………..Hiding something. Seizure………………………………….Roman Emperor. Tablet…………………………………..A small table. Terminal illness…………………………Getting sick at the Airport. Tumour…………………………………One plus one more.
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06-11-2009, 12:14 PM	#122
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 407 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 61 Thanked 45 Times in 37 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil... p.s. Does anyone think I have too much time on my hands?
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06-11-2009, 12:17 PM	#123
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 407 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 61 Thanked 45 Times in 37 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! Definately Last One... A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning, by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?" "I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk
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06-13-2009, 03:54 PM	#126
honestbizpro Senior Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: , , . Posts: 2,209 Thanks: 95 Thanked 236 Times in 151 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! I found a Top Secret Warrior Investigaton! Members of the Warrior Forum - Are They Really Who They Say They Are? .
	HOW I CASHED IN WITH CPA OFFER$

06-14-2009, 02:56 AM	#127
moneysoapbox Say wha?!? War Room Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 319 Thanks: 114 Thanked 38 Times in 34 Posts Contact Info	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! Little Red Riding Hood is standing by the wolf, who's wearing Red's grandma's clothing and is in her bed. "My grandma, what big teeth you have!" The wolf jumps out of bed and says, "All the better for you to SUCK MY D**K!" Red Riding Hood looks at him and says, "NO No no you can't change the story! YOU are supposed to eat me!"
	- Emily - Warrior for Hire: Want a GOOD Article Written For You This Weekend? LIMITED WSO: FIVE WARRIORS ONLY - Need a Low Price, High Quality eBook Written Just for You?

06-14-2009, 04:15 PM	#129
hostingbabble Warrior Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 8 Thanks: 0 Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! funny read

06-15-2009, 11:25 AM	#133
TheGodfather Banned War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Rijeka, Croatia Posts: 296 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 31 Thanked 18 Times in 11 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! Also here is a joke I remembered (one of many that i know) First God created Earth, on the 6th day he created Adam and let him wonder around to name the animals. Soon Adam realized that each animal had a life partner that just seamed perfect for that animal. So he turned to God: God, can you make me a partner, I do not wish to be the only one here without a match? So god taught it trough and said to Adam: Okay but it will cost you a testicle, a kidney, half of your liver and a rib. Adam seamed overwhelmed and asked the lord to give him some time to think this trough. So at the end of that day Adam called back to God once he decided: God, Tell me... what can I get for a rib?

06-18-2009, 01:05 AM	#136
Karen Blundell HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Niagara Region, Canada Posts: 441 Thanks: 173 Thanked 72 Times in 60 Posts Social Networking	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! I love this thread...laughter attracts prosperity, so please keep 'em coming!
	http://karenblundell.com

06-26-2009, 04:55 PM	#137
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 407 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 61 Thanked 45 Times in 37 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! Long time no see... How cute is this? The Exercise Dog on Yahoo! Video
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06-26-2009, 05:01 PM	#138
uncle randy 71 Active Warrior Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Alabama, United States of America Posts: 55 Thanks: 17 Thanked 7 Times in 6 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That’s what they’re for P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you’re right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.

06-27-2009, 01:17 PM	#139
dsanchez HyperActive Warrior Join Date: May 2006 Location: Florida, U.S.A. Posts: 197 Thanks: 7 Thanked 6 Times in 6 Posts Social Networking	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! I absolutely loved this thread. Thank you guys for making my day a lot brighter! I hope you keep on posting some more Dagmar

06-27-2009, 04:17 PM	#140
wildfremd Warrior Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Portland, Oregon Posts: 19 Thanks: 4 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Social Networking	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! HAHAHAAH that's awesome. love it!

06-28-2009, 12:22 AM	#141
brucerby Veteran Copywriter War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Chicago Il Western Suburbs Posts: 657 Thanks: 213 Thanked 73 Times in 35 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! When Women Say These Things...BE AFRAID! "I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career" "So many men, so few who can afford me" "Coffee, chocolate, men ... Some things are just better rich" Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen Security Alert: "I’m out of estrogen and I have a gun" "What a shame, All stressed out and no one to choke" "I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people" "How can I miss you if you won't go away?" "Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies" And last but not least: "If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen"

06-28-2009, 04:55 AM	#142
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 407 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 61 Thanked 45 Times in 37 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and asks him, "Every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."
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06-28-2009, 04:58 AM	#143
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 407 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 61 Thanked 45 Times in 37 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! And another... Two Irishmen get a job working for McAlpine in the desert When they get off the plane one turns to the other and says.................... "F**k this lets go before the cement comes..."
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06-28-2009, 05:12 AM	#144
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 407 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 61 Thanked 45 Times in 37 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! Last one now - stuff to do... A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.....It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought..... Soon he sees another sign, which says: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.... Then he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.... On the side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS He climbs the steps and rings the bell.... The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you, my son?' He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in er...possibly doing business.' 'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door' He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway'. He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!
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06-28-2009, 05:20 AM	#145
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 407 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 61 Thanked 45 Times in 37 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! Defo last one... A young boy comes down for breakfast and since they live on a farm his mother asks if he has done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks the chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow, and when he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him or should I ??!!"
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06-28-2009, 07:02 AM	#148
Sue Harrison Sue Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Menorca, Balearics, Spain Posts: 29 Thanks: 10 Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! Why men should (?) write advice columns... Dear Terry, I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was made redundant six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help? Sincerely, Sheila Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps, Terry

06-28-2009, 07:05 AM	#149
Sue Harrison Sue Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Menorca, Balearics, Spain Posts: 29 Thanks: 10 Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! A real Australian Outback Story A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his manhood and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his manhood unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.' A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up.......... 'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!

06-28-2009, 02:34 PM	#150
brucerby Veteran Copywriter War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Chicago Il Western Suburbs Posts: 657 Thanks: 213 Thanked 73 Times in 35 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! Sue that is such a funny little item!!! ...and it is so true! ..cracks me up (I'm referring to the advice column joke) _____ Bruce