LAUGH Your Way to the BANK!

Karen Connell · 06-28-2009, 04:00 PM

Dear Agony Aunt.

I have never written to you before but here goes with my problem
I have suspected my wife is having an affair for some time now as all the signs are there, more nights out with the "girls" and when i ask who they are she just says "oh you dont know them"
Also she has totally gone off sex and when the phone rings and i answer they hang up.
I decided to stay awake and wait for her to come home one night.
So I hid in the garage behind my golf bag with the garage door open so i could see down the street.
At 2.45 she arrived home and when she got out of her car she quickly buttoned up her blouse and pulled her panties from her bag and put them back on.

My question is... while hiding behind my golf bag i noticed a hair line crack in the shaft of my 3 wood and was wondering

"SHOULD I TRY AND REPAIR IT MY SELF OR TAKE IT BACK TO THE SHOP AND WILL IT AFFECT MY DRIVE?"

Sincerely

Dave

mrflizo · 06-28-2009, 05:21 PM

crazy funny!!!

Karen Connell · 06-30-2009, 01:17 PM

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying,
'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband' thought for a moment:
'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! The husband was 92 years old.
The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful b*st*rds should remember - fairies are female.

Karen Connell · 06-30-2009, 02:06 PM

Beer contains female hormones.

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

Karen Connell · 07-04-2009, 04:06 AM

An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy." He proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks?
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says,
"All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says,
"A little dog come along and crap by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when I start?"

Karen Connell · 07-04-2009, 04:09 AM

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"
Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,
"Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.". She agreed. Afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,
"Listen Barry, I'm not being funny, but I have to get up in the morning and you don't!

TheGodfather · 07-04-2009, 04:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dhrousha

"Listen Barry, I'm not being funny, but I have to get up in the morning and you don't!

nasty this is really nasty... i gotta remember it

Karen Connell · 08-06-2009, 03:16 AM

RETIRED PEOPLE

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days
interesting.

Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop.

We were only in there for about 5 minutes when we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a Senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Dumbbutt. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So Carolyn called him a poophead.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age...

Karen Connell · 08-06-2009, 03:27 AM

Real Adverts from - FREE TO GOOD HOME - FOUND - FOR SALE sections in newspapers.

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, A Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog . . Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .

Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

adamsplace · 08-07-2009, 11:51 AM

Those were awfully hilarious!

really brings back smiles. thanks to all the post

Karen Connell · 09-07-2009, 04:27 AM

This made me howl. Had to share it...

The Black Bra:

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.

We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,

"What's for dinner, Batman?"

Karen Connell · 11-07-2009, 05:38 PM

Six blokes go on a hunting trip.

Their tents only have room for two men in each.
No one wanted to sleep in the same tent as Daryl because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair for just one of them share with Daryl the whole time, so they decided to take turns.
The first bloke to sleep in Daryl's tent comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot.
His mates ask, 'Crikey, what happened?'
He answers, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'
The next night it was a different bloke's turn.
The following morning, same thing, his hair is all standing up and his eyes are bloodshot.
His mates ask, 'Gees, what happened to you? You look awful!'
He says, 'Bloody Daryl shakes the roof. I just sat and watched him all night, I couldn't sleep.'
The third night was Frank's turn.
Frank was a big, burly, ex-rugby player; a man's man.
The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
'Good morning,' he says cheerfully.
His mates can't believe it.
They ask, 'Blimey, what happened?'
Frank says, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. Then he sat up and watched me all night.'

kevinherbert · 11-07-2009, 06:04 PM

The video of Alan King is the funniest thing I've heard for a long time!!!! I'm gonna listen to it every time I need a laugh.....

Texson5 · 11-07-2009, 10:19 PM

LOL!!

That was funny.

zim · 11-08-2009, 10:19 AM

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone. I really enjoyed the jokes. Thank you all.

06-28-2009, 04:00 PM	#151
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 424 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 67 Thanked 49 Times in 39 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! Dear Agony Aunt. I have never written to you before but here goes with my problem I have suspected my wife is having an affair for some time now as all the signs are there, more nights out with the "girls" and when i ask who they are she just says "oh you dont know them" Also she has totally gone off sex and when the phone rings and i answer they hang up. I decided to stay awake and wait for her to come home one night. So I hid in the garage behind my golf bag with the garage door open so i could see down the street. At 2.45 she arrived home and when she got out of her car she quickly buttoned up her blouse and pulled her panties from her bag and put them back on. My question is... while hiding behind my golf bag i noticed a hair line crack in the shaft of my 3 wood and was wondering "SHOULD I TRY AND REPAIR IT MY SELF OR TAKE IT BACK TO THE SHOP AND WILL IT AFFECT MY DRIVE?" Sincerely Dave
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06-28-2009, 05:21 PM	#152
mrflizo Warrior Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Posts: 20 Thanks: 0 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! crazy funny!!!

06-30-2009, 01:17 PM	#153
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 424 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 67 Thanked 49 Times in 39 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.' Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband' thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.' The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! The husband was 92 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bstrds should remember - fairies are female.
	Writer Available - Quality articles at a great Warrior price. Swift Articles No opt-in. INSTANT DOWNLOAD - 5 FREE sample articles - enjoy!

06-30-2009, 02:06 PM	#154
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 424 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 67 Thanked 49 Times in 39 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! Beer contains female hormones. Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects : 1) Argued over nothing. 2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong. 3) Gained weight. 4) Talked excessively without making sense. 5) Became overly emotional. 6) Couldn't drive. 7) Failed to think rationally. 8) Had to sit down while urinating. No further testing was considered necessary.
	Writer Available - Quality articles at a great Warrior price. Swift Articles No opt-in. INSTANT DOWNLOAD - 5 FREE sample articles - enjoy!

07-04-2009, 04:06 AM	#155
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 424 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 67 Thanked 49 Times in 39 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test. Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy." He proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks? "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Irishman. "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go." The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99." The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred." The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred." "So, when I start?"
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07-04-2009, 04:09 AM	#156
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 424 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 67 Thanked 49 Times in 39 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carolyn agreed and again they made love. Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.". She agreed. Afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny, but I have to get up in the morning and you don't!
	Writer Available - Quality articles at a great Warrior price. Swift Articles No opt-in. INSTANT DOWNLOAD - 5 FREE sample articles - enjoy!

08-06-2009, 03:16 AM	#158
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 424 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 67 Thanked 49 Times in 39 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! RETIRED PEOPLE Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes when we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a Senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Dumbbutt. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So Carolyn called him a poophead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Just then our bus arrived. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age...
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08-06-2009, 03:27 AM	#159
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 424 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 67 Thanked 49 Times in 39 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! Real Adverts from - FREE TO GOOD HOME - FOUND - FOR SALE sections in newspapers. FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites! FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. FREE PUPPIES. Mother, A Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog . . Able to leap tall fences in a single bound. FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $100. WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
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08-07-2009, 11:51 AM	#160
adamsplace Warrior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Kearney,Nebraska Posts: 26 Thanks: 5 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Social Networking	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! Those were awfully hilarious! really brings back smiles. thanks to all the post
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09-07-2009, 04:27 AM	#161
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 424 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 67 Thanked 49 Times in 39 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! This made me howl. Had to share it... The Black Bra: I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went. My engaged friend: The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long. The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night. Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"
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11-07-2009, 05:38 PM	#162
Karen Connell I CAN do this... War Room Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 424 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 67 Thanked 49 Times in 39 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! Six blokes go on a hunting trip. Their tents only have room for two men in each. No one wanted to sleep in the same tent as Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair for just one of them share with Daryl the whole time, so they decided to take turns. The first bloke to sleep in Daryl's tent comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot. His mates ask, 'Crikey, what happened?' He answers, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.' The next night it was a different bloke's turn. The following morning, same thing, his hair is all standing up and his eyes are bloodshot. His mates ask, 'Gees, what happened to you? You look awful!' He says, 'Bloody Daryl shakes the roof. I just sat and watched him all night, I couldn't sleep.' The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big, burly, ex-rugby player; a man's man. The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. 'Good morning,' he says cheerfully. His mates can't believe it. They ask, 'Blimey, what happened?' Frank says, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. Then he sat up and watched me all night.'
	Writer Available - Quality articles at a great Warrior price. Swift Articles No opt-in. INSTANT DOWNLOAD - 5 FREE sample articles - enjoy!

11-07-2009, 06:04 PM	#163
kevinherbert Warrior Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: , , United Kingdom. Posts: 2 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! The video of Alan King is the funniest thing I've heard for a long time!!!! I'm gonna listen to it every time I need a laugh.....

11-07-2009, 10:19 PM	#164
Texson5 Active Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Texas Posts: 49 Thanks: 35 Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! LOL!! That was funny.

11-08-2009, 10:19 AM	#165
zim HyperActive Warrior Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 100 Thanks: 0 Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts	Re: LAUGH Your Way to the BANK! Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone. I really enjoyed the jokes. Thank you all.