honestbizpro

I think we can all agree that having a good sense of humor is not only healthy, it may give us an edge on our competition.

Let's build a thread with some good humor so we can take a break from the day and get a good !




Here is a couple money jokes to get started....




"Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?

The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures."







"A woman was bragging how her husband became a Millionaire after he met her and someone asked what was he before he met her? She said....a Billionaire."






"A man went into a lawyer's office, and demanded to see the lawyer. He was escorted into the lawyer's office.

The man needed legal help, but he knew how expensive lawyers could be, so he inquired, "Can you tell me how much you charge?"

"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $500 to answer three questions."

"Don't you think that's an awful lot of money to answer three questions?"

"Yes it is", answered the lawyer, "What's your third question?"




Do YOU know a good joke? ( that you could say amongst professionals of course)

Do you know a good funny story you can share or has anything funny happened to you in your money making (marketing) endeavors?

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brucerby

I always love a humor page! Here's some TRUE Headlines from Newspapers
(sort of like what Jay Leno reads on the Tonight Show)

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Obama Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death


Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years


War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures



Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

END!

honestbizpro

Good ones Brucerby! Thanks!

A smile is free, but yet so valuable.

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gee1

I absolutely love that list of funny headlines...

It's interesting before I came to this page I did not think I needed cheering up.

Thank you!

honestbizpro

OK, get ready for a smile Guaranteed.

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kanwarjot

This is an old one but I liked it

Civil Engineering

honestbizpro

Very funny kanwarjot! Now I can get back to work in a good mood!

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procoach

"Mummy, Mummy!" called Little Johnny one day.

"Do you know the beautiful vase in the dining room that's been handed down from generation to generation?"

"Yes", said his mother. "What about it?"
"Well the last generation just dropped it."

honestbizpro

The glass of wine I had just said that was funny...I'll check again tommorow.

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honestbizpro

Marketing Explained

"You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You go up to her and say, "Hi, I'm great in bed, how about it?"

That's Direct Marketing.

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You give your friend a buck. She goes up and says "Hi, my friend over there is great in bed, how about it?"

That's Advertising.

You go to a party and see an attractive girl across the room. You somehow get her mobile number. You call and chat her up a while and then say "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?"

That's Tele-Marketing.

You go to a party and see an attractive girl across the room. You recognize her. You walk up to her, refresh her memory and get her to laugh and giggle and then suggest, "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?"

That's Customer Relationship Management.

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You stand straight, you talk soft and smooth, you open the door for the ladies, you smile like a dream, you set an aura around you playing the Mr. Gentleman and then you move up to the girl and say, "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?"

That's Hard Selling.

You go to a party, you see an attractive girl across the room. SHE COMES OVER and says, "Hi, I hear you're great in bed, how about it?"


Now THAT is the power of Branding. "

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brucerby

Alright heres another one: This is an old story actually, told by Hugh Downs of ABC news years ago and more recently by well-known marketer, Dan Kennedy>

A businessman on a railroad dining car in the middle of his meal broke open a dinner roll and was confronted with a baked cockroach, which distressed him enough to not eat for the rest of the trip. ON his return home he composed a letter to the head of the railway.

He described in this letter his anguish from the incident and threatened a legal action unless proper apology and redress were forthcoming.

He received by a letter from the company that owned the dining car franchise, in which he was assured they were as upset as he was by his report of this distressing and unique incident.

They hoped he was fully recovered from the understandable shock and revulsion, they thanked him profusely for bringing it promptly to their attention, and were taking steps to find out how this could possibly have happened.

Inadvertently stapled to the letter was an interoffice memo with the handwritten words: “Joe: Send this guy the bug letter.”

Ha, Ha, LOL (I love it)
_____
Bruce

honestbizpro

OK Brucerby, "Copy and Graphics Grunt", you are officially invited to all my parties.

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brucerby

Let The Party Begin!!!! This is for HonestBizPro:

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The person in charge of contributions called the lawyer to persuade him to contribute: "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied: "First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No."

The lawyer continued: "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology.

The lawyer interrupted her apology, saying: "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut her off once again:

"...So, if I don't give any money to them, why the hell should I give any money to you?!?"

LOL, LOL, !!!!!

====================

honestbizpro

It's Monday Morning, Looking at my long list of things to do. Need to excercise, need to eat something, need to check emails, BUT I JUST GOT A GOOD LAUGH AND IT'S ALL GOOD!

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brucerby

If this were a WSO, I'd give a 100% Money Back Guarantee you'll laugh yourself silly.

This is the all-time-great Alan King "Survived By His Wife" Routine. ...a true comedy classic.

Enjoy.

honestbizpro

Brucerby...please don't get me addicted to videos...I got enough distractions! Thanks! (Yes I am a Hypocrite aren't we all?)

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LynnM

Kids' views on love & romance, enjoy!

"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down, and they don't get up for at least an hour." - Wendy, age 8

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." - Dick, age 7

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." - Manuel, age 8

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." - Dave, age 8

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it." - Tammy, age 10

honestbizpro

Nice LynnM.

I never underestimate kids. Sometimes they know the best jokes! Just ask one!

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kbayer63

Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.

"Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll sit in a boat all day and drink beer."

honestbizpro

I finally got it!

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Vincelog

You got some great jokes there. I love the joke about the billionaire turning into a millionaire.

Vincent
Personal Development Blogger

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donnamos

Thank you-- I laughed out loud. I keep telling my husband I will out live him. I like having history on my side. LOL
Donna

donnamos

I laughed so hard at this I cried. Thanks so much. Did you know laughter is good for your health? It releases endorphins in your body.

honestbizpro

So true. Ever notice the ones with the pleasant disposition are the ones that attract everyone to them?

Who want's to stand under a "raincloud"? We all know somebody like that!


which joke you referring to?

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brucerby

With apologies to my Hillbilly friends:-)



A Letter From A Hillbilly Mother To Her Son...

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved.

Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send you another one.

Love,

Ma (yours)

honestbizpro

LOL, that was 11 jokes in 1....now thats Value! You over deliver! Thanks!

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markfoo76

This is a fabulous thread! I love jokes and comedies cos' I always love a good laugh!

Here's my contribution:

(1)Fine:This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2)Five Minutes:If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.


(3)Nothing:This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4)Go Ahead:This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5)Loud Sigh:This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6)That's Okay:This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7)Thanks:A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8)Whatever:Is a woman's way of sayingF---YOU!
(9)Don't worry about it, I got it:Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

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honestbizpro

Thanks Markfoo76!

Made me Smile and Think!

cus it's really true!

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Cmizer

This thread is awesome, thanks for the laughs guys!

honestbizpro

True Story....


Went to the Ripleys Believe it or Not Museum...I can't even remember the town....

but they had a interesting display...

It was a movie showing that only certain people could "Fold Their tongues!"

Then there was a Big Mirror so you could see if you could try and fold your tongue!

As you continue along the exhibits, you get around the corner and you see a large crowd at one exhibit.

They are looking through the other side of the Big Mirror and laughing at all the crazy folks trying to fold their tongues!

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Dennis Gaskill

Elmo was at the bar when he had to go to the bathroom. He tried to get up to go and fell flat on his face. He pulled himself up on his stool and Joe, the bartender, told Elmo he'd had too much to drink and he was cutting him off.

So Elmo got up to leave and fell flat on his face. "Wow," he thought, "I really am drunk, but if I can crawl to the door and get some fresh air, I'll be alright."

So Elmo crawled to the door, pull himself up and took several deep breaths of fresh, cool air. Feeling better, he started to leave but fell flat on his face.

"Jeepers," he thought, "I'm really drunk, but I only live two doors down, I can crawl home and I'll be alright tomorrow."

Elmo crawled home, crawled into bed, and fell right to sleep. The next morning his wife woke him up and said, "You were skunk drunk again last night, weren't you Elmo?"

Elmo replied, "Yes, I really was, but how did you know?"

His wife answered, "Joe called from the bar. You left your wheel chair there again."

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brucerby

Alright, I just can't control myself.....


"NEVER" QUOTES


Never accept a drink from a urologist.


Never say "Oops" in the operating room.


Never play poker with a man named Slim.


Never comment on a woman's rear end...anytime, anywhere, EVER.


Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local sheriff's drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap.


Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. (That way, if he doesn't like what you have to say, it'll be OK because you'll be a mile away and you'll have his shoes.)


Never be first. Never be last. Never volunteer for anything.


Never eat more than you can lift.


Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.


Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.


Never try to 'out-stubborn' a cat.


Never argue with a fool.....He may be doing the same thing.


Never try to guess your wife's size. Just buy her anything marked "petite" and hold on to the receipt.

"Never use while sleeping". (Instruction on Conair hair dryer) LOL, LOL!!


Enjoy, Bruce!
=========================

dave830

OK, I saw the Elmo joke... and it reminded me of one from years past.

Back in the 90's, a toy factory manager was approached for a job by an old friend. Knowing this individual was a bit incompetent, the manager sent him to do a harmless job in the "Tickle Me Elmo" department.

Later that day, the manager was called back to the department after complaints. To his dismay, he found that his friend had sewn small red furry pouches, each containing two marbles, between the legs of each doll.

"What in the world are you doing?" he asked his friend. "I specifically told you to give each Elmo two test tickles!"

David Hamilton

The fastest way to create A fleet of cash-generating mini-sites without a webmaster!

honestbizpro

Good Giggle Break!

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bigmoney4me

HAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAH!!!!!!! Now it's all so clear- lol

Karen Connell

This makes me howl every time I read it!


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HECK!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-GUN, THAT HURT LIKE HECK!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had sh*t myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think Education is expensive, try being stupid…

lakshaybehl

OK.,..

This was awesome... Even though I didn't understand what you mean by "Survived by his wife", I could still make out its meaning, and I laughed so hard I ended up waking others in the middle of the night.

Lakshay Behl and family Moving to US blog coming soon... Watch out

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brucerby

The Dangers of Horseback Riding...

So, Last weekend I decided to go horseback riding all by myself. I guess I should have known better...

Everything was going along just fine. Then all of a sudden all hell broke loose -- the damn horse starting bouncing out of control.

My pulling on the reins and yelling "Whoa" went totally unheeded. In a matter of seconds I lost my grip and was thrown off.

As I hit the ground I noticed that one of my feet was still caught in the stirrups. The damn horse just keep on going, bouncing my head hard of the ground.

Just at that moment when I was about to lose all hope and was almost to lose consciousness, the Walmart manager came over and unplugged the damn thing.

Whew!!!....Was I lucky or what!?
_____
Bruce

Styleearn.com

JOKE:-

A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.

A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.

A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.

A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.

A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.

A bird in the hand is dead.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

A closed mouth gathers no foot

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1J Smith

You can easily make funny video websites, and then profit from them nicely. Many people have done it and are making a ‘happy’ living off it.

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Karen Connell

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your girlfriend whipped my butt with wet celery???' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher

Karen Connell

Yogendra,

Trying to get your posts up like this will not endear you to Warrior members...

You could at least TRY to add something useful or entertaining!

Karen Connell

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests...

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Karen Connell

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton…

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Karen Connell

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for mycoffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'

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Karen Connell

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me, then God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

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aparadekto

epic thread

Karen Connell

Anyone want any more?

I have loads!

Karen

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honestbizpro

Apple Marketing

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"Marketing was the key to my success."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents."

"I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."


"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

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Karen Connell

Five tips for a woman....



1. It is important to find a man that a man helps you around the house.

2. It is important to find a man that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important to find a man that loves you and spoils you.



5. It is VERY important that these four men don't know each other.

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