Do Wimps Turn The Other Cheek? Should We Give People What They Deserve?

Many of us have heard children, teenagers and even adults, justify rude, discourteous behavior with the excuse that the other person "had not earned" their politeness, courtesy or respect. It seems that, before goodwill is offered, the other party first needs to prove to be a worthy recipient. There's no point wasting kindness on the undeserving!

A key element of rational self-interest as I've interpreted it here is that positive feelings we express towards others ARE in our own interest. I'm not at all suggesting some form of manipulation to gain an immediate advantage. We are not trying to trick someone into buying inferior merchandise. Nor am I suggesting flattery to win favor or hasten seduction.

An immediate pay-off is not the point. Consistent expression of genuine good feelings is central to the principle I'm describing. When we meet another, there is no need to be fearful, hesitant or concerned about the worthiness of that other person. Our intended response is clear, unequivocal and instantly at hand. We intend to treat others not only with warmth but a willingness to appreciate and empower those we have dealings with, whether strangers or friends.

This might cause some readers to catch their breath and ponder whether they really want to be so emotionally generous towards people they don't know and who may not share their standards of behavior. We cannot be sure they are deserving of uncritical acceptance, much less appreciation.

Isn't it better to get to know someone and see what they are like before offering our goodwill? Shouldn't we be guarded in displaying good feelings towards others until we get to know them? That's like saying to a log fire, "if you burn brightly for me I'll give you some wood to burn". If you want more warmth, place another log on the fire!

And, when dealing with family members and friends, how often do we overlook the strengths and other qualities that we truly admire but no longer notice? Often those involved in a difficult relationship will find their partner's failings so huge they fill the room but those aspects admired are crowded out of sight into a distant corner. When we become problem-focused, weaknesses and difficulties are plainly evident and what we want more of goes unseen.

Nor is showing appreciation an exercise in denial. Drunkards remain drunkards. Thieves and cheats remain dishonest. Murderers remain murderers. Sadists and masochists remain so.

However, people are more than their failings and we can choose to pay attention to those qualities we can assume are intrinsic to us all. Within each and every one of us is a deeper self that provides us with a sense of wellbeing; that appreciates and feels joy; that is capable of awe, delight and wonder. With a little practice we can see beyond superficial concerns and recognize in others the presence of admirable qualities, though we may not have been previously acquainted.

We are creating for ourselves a personal world that WE deserve. There is no need to disguise self-interest; it is freely admitted: the intention is to create a better world to experience. When we do appreciate qualities in others that may not be readily apparent, unsurprisingly others will begin to recognize ours.

Consider a situation where a woman is in an abusive relationship, where she considers herself to be badly treated. Of course, if she'd been following these principles before meeting her present partner, they may not have met and if they had the difference in their shared values and attitudes would soon have become apparent. Her feelings of doubt about the relationship would have alerted her to problems that lay ahead.

However, someone who is already in such a relationship and now decides to adopt a different stance - one which does not place blame on the other or try to control the other person's behavior (accepts personal responsibility for her experiences) but consistently expresses warmth and appreciation - that woman increases her value. Her partner naturally feels a positive response to the good treatment. Without feeling manipulated, he may well be willing to modify his own behavior.

But what if he isn't? Someone who consistently expresses goodwill and treats others with respect and kindness is not overlooked by the world at large. The world is dynamic and if we allow natural ebbs and flows, those who don't share our attitudes and values tend to leave our lives and others, who do, are attracted to us. A woman who has these qualities and is unappreciated by her present partner need not fear being alone. When others become aware that approaches would be welcome, potential suitors will start queuing at her door!

Needless to say, this doesn't apply only to women!

When we consciously create our lives, the qualities we express begin to be reflected in the results we receive. Those who consistently express warm, loving feelings will see those qualities appear in their lives - through their choice of friends, social events, movies watched, business and neighborhood acquaintances - even the birds in the park! They'll see it emerge through the thousands of small decisions and choices we make that shape our lives. Our every day experiences will teach us what to expect.

Making the connection between who we are and what we receive does wonders for our self confidence when those experiences are positive.

Likewise, those who cheat or steal, nag, manipulate, belittle, or otherwise try to control others, can be pretty sure of what they'll get - and it won't contain a lot of love.

Don't get caught up in giving people what you think THEY deserve. Give them what YOU deserve.

Ivan