What Do You Say To Victims?

Guess there are 2 ways I deal with them.

First is, I just listen/mirror listen. You know, the "gee, sounds like you must have been angry/scared/whatever" kind of response. Keeps them talking about themselves and kind of slowly deflates their pity-party mentality. One bonus for me is.. I don't have to talk about my disability. I truly do not like to discuss this, especially with strangers. So I'd much rather listen to them.

Second is, I work hard at keeping myself positive, especially around "Perennial Victims". I refuse to fall into their depression. My demeanor, my attitude, everything like that - I use to emphasize an "I can because I will - and that's an end to it!!" sort of attitude. I limit what I am willing to talk about with these Victim-mentality folks - to my pre-retirement career as a Tree Lady, then Community Planner; my current marketing, website and copywriting entrepreneurship; my adventures making dvds about knitting and learning to survive and enjoy retirement and new friends; my music... and so on.

That usually leaves them rather deflated and speechless, so they move on to someone else.

You see, after 30+ years working with the Public, I know it is extremely difficult if not impossible to change a victim/whiner. I don't really care to take on that particular assignment unless I absolutely have to.

So I just try to leave them not-angry with me.

I don't know if this is the answer you're looking for, but that's my way of dealing with such people.

I don't believe in pity-parties.

But I do truly believe with all my heart in helping those who are honestly helping themselves overcome difficult times or circumstances.

Hope this helps,
Dot

These aren't victims - they have a victim mentality. It may even be a personality type.

They don't get over things that happen - they never get past any slight or perceived unfairness and every bad thing that happened to them is just as fresh in their mind today as it was years ago.

You can't help them because they don't want to be helped. They thrive on their neediness and "poor me", nothing is "fair" according to them and they'll take every bit of sympathy you have and wait for more. This type has one crisis after another - but often bring on the crisis themselves.

Trying to help someone who is wallowing in his perceived tragic life will bring you down, not pick them up. Several years ago I listened to a sad tale by a woman I had recently met. She told me she was traumatized by her divorce, how her husband had hurt her, blah, blah. She said she couldn't work because she was so devastated, that people didn't understand the pain she was going through, blah, blah. She went on and on through the personal details - had tears in her eyes! I asked "when was the divorce final" and she answered "8 years ago". Get over it!

Truth is - these people often have not had major traumas happen to them. They've made life into a melodrama where they are a tragic, sympathetic victim in their own mind. They will often say "I'm sorry to be so down, but..." and then go right on with how badly they are treated by life.

Which is another type - those who like to see themselves as a "healer" or as "saving" someone. But you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped - and usually this type isn't interested in changing. They don't think there's anything wrong with the way they see things - after all, they are a "victim". They aren't pretending - they are convinced of it.

Why wouldn't they want help? Because they've found a way to get attention, to garner sympathy, to excuse behavior or justify not reaching their potential. It works for them!

I keep my distance from people like that - and save my help for those facing real problems and working to help themselves.

kay

Now remember this, You can't help someone unless they want to help themselves. I have never given up on anyone, they gave up on themselves. I will never plan or attend someones pity party.

Here's the thing though. They ARE helping themselves. The way it's framed though, makes them feel responsible to helping you.

Unless they are horrible, nasty, conniving people, then they won't want to be responsible for YOU failing. They don't care about themselves, but the way this statement is framed, kinda tricks them into helping you help them. Which ultimately, is the same as helping themselves.

(I'm not saying this is concrete fact. I haven't tried it. It's just the result of this thread).

JK

Thanks Gerard. Checking it out now.

JK

I don't think there is anything that you can "say" that will shake anyone out of their victim mentality.

A victim mentality stems from a lack of willingness to take personal responsibility for ones life and circumstances. Until someone is willing to accept responsibility for their circumstances there's not much that anyone else can do.

It's much easier to put on your "victim hat" than it is to accept responsibility and realize that maybe you are at least partially responsible for your crappy life.

True victims are exceedingly rare. Usually people have placed themselves into a situation where most of us would say "they should have know better" if we were to get the whole story.

I think it is a vicious cycle in which their victim mentality constantly feeds itself with negative observations.

Perhaps the only possible way to shake someone out of this cycle is to somehow make them shift their paradigm and begin to recognize the things in their life that are good.

I think this is even good advice for those of us that aren't stuck in this frame of mind.

Well said. I can't add anything from that! Thanks Alethia.

Wow, this has been a interesting thread for me to read and I appreciate all of you opening up here.

My 16 year old son has a victim mentality. He thinks of himself as a victim and at one point in his life, he was. He can't/won't get past things that happened to him before we adopted him (he was 11 when we adopted him) and no amount of therapy has helped him.

I recently had to step back a little and realize that I can not help him. I had to reclaim some of my own life back after giving 100% in trying to help him and seeing zero progress.

It's quite sad actually. I hope that when he gets older and has more maturity, he'll start to see things differently.

Thanks. It's been hardest on my younger kids. His behavior affects all of us and at one time, our life revolved around his issues. I made several changes in how we live as a family in the last two years and things are much better (for us-not him).

I realized I can't help him at their expense any longer.

Part of the problem is the system. Every therapist, program, judge, teacher, school system, probation officer (yes-he's been arrested), cop, etc....feels bad for him because he had a bad childhood before we adopted him. He also knows how to manipulate people very well. They keep letting his behavior slide and "giving him another chance". What they don't realize is that they're hurting him the the process-not helping him.

Well, if they really are a victim of something I will listen and do what I can to help.
However, if they are putting themselves into the victim spot for whatever reason, I would probably say that was interesting and ask them why would they let themselves be the victim?
Because the one thing we can control is our thoughts. And wouldn't it be better to use our own thoughts for our benefit and not give all of our power away?