Conflict: Should We Give People What They Deserve?

Any casual reading of a newspaper would make us aware that there are many ways in which people treat others badly. How should we react to this treatment? Should we treat people the way they deserve? Should we return the poor treatment we receive? As we know, the courts have the role and responsibility of responding to behaviors which infringe the law and meting out punishments in the name of ‘justice’. They are set up to deal only with limited aspects of self, of who we are.

However, as individuals, we don’t need to be so restrictive in our perception of others and the way we deal with them. We are able to look beyond personal failings and relate to a broader perspective of others – not as wife-beaters, hit and run drivers, absent fathers, gamblers, drunkards, neglectful husbands and other negative aspects, but also as caring fathers, loving sons, generous friends, diligent workers, proud parents, and more.

This is not to condone their failings or to support behaviors which are harmful to themselves or others but to provide a standpoint which sees beyond the simple expression of who we are and making us more alert to the broader self and the infinite ways in which that potential can be expressed.

Of course, in one lifetime it isn’t possible to express the enormous range of our capabilities. Some roles just don’t fit well together. For instance, choosing to be a professional footballer would probably hinder our desire to be a concert pianist.

Seeing the broader perspective of those who give offense can sound like a good idea in theory but may not be seen to be of much practical value. When we, our family or friends have been harmed, our reflex is naturally defensive and we feel impelled to strike back. Hollywood has a whole genre of movies based on revenge. It taps into core feelings of getting our own back when we’ve been wronged. The baddies commit some nefarious acts and Charles Bronson, Clint Eastwood, Sylvester Stallone, and many others, step into roles in which they grimly pursue vengeance, which they may describe as justice.

In our personal lives, we sometimes face conflict, perhaps not as extreme as that experienced by our heroes above but, nonetheless, we feel threatened or have been harmed and our tempers rise as our bodies prepare for the retaliation we believe is justified.

Let’s look at a particular instance. Melinda and Jasmine were mother and daughter, living together in a comfortable cottage. The daughter, in her mid-20s, had returned to live with her mother after a serious relationship had broken down. Melinda, the mother, had been divorced for many years.

Unfortunately, the mother was a very controlling woman who frequently directed her daughter to live in a more constructive way. Jasmine resented the intrusion, regardless of whether the comments had merit. In turn she tended to react strongly, even overreact, and the ‘discussion’ quickly became loud and abusive as they tried to talk over each other, neither listening to the other’s point of view. A cat and dog could probably have lived together more harmoniously. Both sought counseling.

Eventually, with help, Melinda learned to see her daughter as more than a bundle of problems that required her intervention and correction. She was urged to look beyond the behaviors which she found so irritating and to be more conscious of Jasmine’s many positive aspects – her kindness towards animals, her gentle nature, her warmth in dealing with others, and many other qualities so taken for granted that they passed unnoticed by her mother.

Melinda was encouraged to see beyond her daughter’s failings and to be more alert to those things about Jasmine that she admired. This was especially to apply when they were in conflict. Melinda learned to step back and not be swept up in the emotions and direction the disagreement was heading.

In the heat of conflict, this can be a demanding task but Melinda came to realize that this was a perspective which gave her emotional relief and prevented the dispute from escalating into a shouting match.

In this calmer state, she was then able to respond more positively towards Jasmine. In particular, she was able to express encouragement and reassurance. Jasmine was already anxious and her confidence riddled with doubt. The arguments with her mother increased her stress levels, focused her attention on her failings and problems, and made it more difficult for her to approach life in a constructive way. She was constantly fearful and quick to respond to what she saw as attempts to control her.

When Melinda offered encouragement and reassurance as differences headed towards arguments, the situation moved from one where each was trying to ‘win’ a dispute. Melinda was able to remind her daughter of her potential and strengths. The constant reminders helped Jasmine to be more alert to her capabilities and she became more relaxed and confident. She no longer felt like a gladiator who had to be constantly alert to threats and was able to make decisions more calmly that enabled her to move away from conflict; move ahead with her life and enjoy a more supportive relationship with her mother.

Jasmine didn’t need to be controlled. She needed to be reminded of the broader perspective of who she was as she had lost sight of her own potential. Encouragement and reassurance brought back into focus the beautiful view of who she really was.

When we treat kindly only those who are deserving, we diminish our own lives, missing the chance to inspire a more loving world, or to be recognized as a kind person. Ironically, through kindness, Melinda found the control in her life that she was never able to achieve with conflict and belligerence.

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This post was taken from my article which was originally posted here:

Conflict: Should We Give People What They Deserve?

Ivan