Help Discover my Weaknesses...

Hi,

I've reached a point in my life now where I have become "content" with myself, and not knowing whether I will ascend to greater things, or still live this way for the rest of my days.

I'm in my thirties, and have suffered many battles in my life (mostly on a psychological level I might add), and all geared towards opportunities in life.

Amongst other things, my problems are caused by a speech disfluency (stuttering & cluttering), and this sence of wanting to do too much, and not mostly completing what I started.

I've desperately tried to fix my speech disfluency, but attending various speech courses, visiting speech therapists, but unfortunately, I regressed to my old way for various reasons; one was the perception to others sounding like a drunk because of my slow down in speech (which caused some slurring with many assuming that I was drunk or had a big night out the night before), and the lak of support at home, with everyone laughing at me, whilst I was trying to get "better".

I guess at this point, I can't do anything with this point, as it's become part of me now, which I can't change.

The other problem that I have is that I'm always starting new things, and never seem to finish them. Whether I lose interest, or jump on something new from the excitement of it, I just can't shake it off. This might be for books, interests, hobbies, etc. In some respects, this would cause great financial loss to me, as I would invest a sum of money into something, where I would just lose focus, and move on to something new.

My garage full of useless items is testiment to that. I also did a cleanup of my garage, and ended up throwing out almost 2-3 standard rooms full of junk. I could have sold it, but I just needed my head speace cleared.

I just dont know what this means, in the sense of who I am, and how I handle myself, as I've had a sense of belonging to something greater, or doing something greater, but find these two issues with my life will also stop me from ascending to the next level.

I'm also at a stage of my life, where I feel like there is something else in my life that I should be doing, but unsure what that is, as my financial obligations keep me employed in my current role. Although, I feel alive being outdoors, in nature - where i sometimes feel alive, my employement keeps me in an office settings, which is where my skill-set is required.

I've also never been a leader, but more of a follower (even though I imagine being able to do it had I been a better communicator, confidence, and more assertive in my earlier years). I'm not sure whether this means that I will never be able to lead in life, or truly command my life the way it was intended to be).

I also find myself always trying new time/task management systems, as my "nice guy" approach always lands me with too much work, where I'm always behind the 8 ball, and with a million things on my todo list. I try one of these systems, only to have it fail on me, a few days/weeks later.

How does one re-discover oneself, if they have lost themselves for a long time (to the point where they dont know who they are anymore)? I've tried writing all of my dreams, and desires down, and always come up blank. It's almost like I've forgotten who I was as soon as I joined the "rat race" of the office setting.

I've also tried the Self Help "gurus" by listening/reading to them, until I lost focus again.
I still see myself going to book stores, and browsing through the Self Help/Business areas, and never buying a book, but always spending time looking at those types of books if that makes sense.

Any help would be graciously appreciated,

confusedone