garyogden

This is what I email out to potential clients. Have a look and see if anything is wrong please? Constructive criticism only please...

Gary


Dear Business Owner,

Think big with a mobile website.

Forty-one per cent of UK businesses plan to have a mobile website within the next year; and this new, exciting market is growing year-on-year and attracting high-value users with disposable income.

Make sure the UK's 13m mobile web users see your site at its best.

Tap into a whole new sales channel, driving leads through mobile search.

Outperform your competitors in the mobile market by adopting early.

My name is Gary Ogden and I live in Blackpool, I work in the field of mobile website development for local businesses.

One thing I noticed throughout the businesses in your area is that the majority of you don't have a mobile compliant website.

Do one thing right now, grab your mobile phone and bring up your website and take a look. If it is not mobile optimised then it will look small and unreadable never mind all the scrolling back and forth!

Wouldn’t you rather you could see your website like this instead?




My expertise lies in the design and implementation of informative and effective mobile websites and I would like to offer you my services.

Due to the large size of web pages that would be usually loaded on a 17” + Screen, it takes a long time to load the site, and once loaded text is very small or unreadable and you have to constantly scroll across the page to read the same sentence this can be very irritating and if the user can't read the text as they wish, the chances are they will leave your site instantly.

Mobile websites don't only offer a portable solution to your website, because it is viewed on a mobile device they can be optimized to integrate the phones own services. This means if a customer would like to make a booking we can add a call button that automatically phones reception to allow them to make a booking.

On top of the benefits above, the main thing you will gain from our services is a better competitive edge over your competitors. As mentioned before in your area many businesses lack this great service and by being the first to provide it you could easily grab plenty of new customers.

If you are interesting in expanding your web presence and attracting new customers via this great opportunity please get in touch and we can talk more about requirements and a quote.

Please visit my website to see examples and more information.

http://tinyurl.com/website-mobile

If you do not have a website please contact me for a quote.


Thanks for your time,

Gary Ogden

Tel: 01253 295574

Mobile: 07752 583586

(This is a one off marketing email).

garyogden

ooops forgot to subscribe to my thread!

MaxReferrals

Might wanna post this in the Copywriting forum for help.

Michael Clough

I think it's fine....right to the point. But, remember emails don't always get opened and many go to junk or spam. I would also snail mail them, then follow up with a phone call.
Then the call will not be so cold

I do this and I also just drop in on them in person to give them a demo.....if they look extremely busy, I'll lay off.

www.OptimisationSeo.com

MoneyMagnetMagnate

What about a sub-heading like:

Think Big with a Mobile Website.

Little Phones Equal Big Profits...

Forty-one per cent of UK businesses plan to have a mobile website within the next year; and this new, exciting market is growing year-on-year and attracting high-value users with disposable income.

etc.

Too much?

DigiMechanics

This might not necessarily apply to your email exactly but one thing I have found helps with emails I send out to local companies, is to personalize them. Ok, it can be a pain, but I believe it does help. Especialy if it is put in the subject line- i.e FAO Business Name and then some short snappy line.

goozleology

I think it's a pretty good start but it's a little long and redundant.

Ed

backlinkwarrior

Use bullets and centering to break up your letter

midasman09

Reminds me of when I've had Booths at Trade Shows.

You have about 2 seconds to GRAB their attention!

Same with emails!

The FIRST THING prospects see is your Subject Line. If it doesn't GRAB them....to double click to see your "pitch"....you've lost em!

So....here's one Subject Line I've used to grab attention;

"Your Website looks terrible on a Mobile Phone!"

or even....

"Here's what your Website looks like on a Mobile Phone!"

Your FIRST JOB...is to get prospects to OPEN your email!

Now....again....when your prospects get into your message....if they see a lot of copy....and stats (Hey! 41% is probably a good stat BUT....is it a REASON for viewers to KEEP READING?).....they'll probably...click away.

Go after the "low-hanging fruit"! Go after those people who KNOW that Cell Phones are HERE....and ARE becoming BIG!

Then...show then what you've done of...what you can do...for them!

Reminds me of when I started my "Fax Bux" biz waay back when Faxes were first coming into use.

I was at a Chamber lunch and the speaker asked, "How many here have Fax Machines?" Almost every hand went up.

I happened to be sitting at a table with 4 Restaurant Owners....so I said; "Hey Guys! Why don't you fax out your Daily Specials to these folks?"

They all agreed that was a great idea and....they responded with, "Hey, Don! Why don't you set this up and we'll be your first clients!"

So....I did...and started my "Fax Bux" program sending faxes to local business offices.

However....after setting this up for 3 towns....I decided to go to the BIG Town of Portland and I discovered something on my 1st day of prospecting;

A Deli Owner told me he was "ALready Sending Daily Special Faxes to 50 local offices!" This caused me to "Reel back"! I was prepared to "Sell" him on the merits of using Faxes to help his biz.

HE WAS ALREADY SOLD....on using Faxes to help his biz! (Same as many biz owners are well AWARE of the use of Hand held Phones, today)

So....because I trained myself to be a "quick thinker"....I asked him; "Who's sending your faxes?" He said it was one of his waitresses. I then asked, "Would you consider letting ME do the faxing for you?"

He responded with; "What would you charge?"

I said, "$20 a day....$100 a week!"

He said, "Sold! When can you start?"

Thus was built a good business where I went to ONLY businesses that were ALREADY sending faxes to local offices. In fact one guy, got 42 Delis to pay him $200 every 2 weeks to do the faxing for him. And....he started this in the year 1996. Guess how many "Fax Accounts" he still has in the year 2011? ALL 42 are STILL with him...now paying $25/day...$250 every 2 weeks (Automatically taken out of their Bank Accounts)

So....that's 42 x $250 = $10,500 every 2 weeks....$21,000 EVERY MONTH!

So....again...the same applies here! Rather than try to "Sell" prospects on the merits of having a Website that can be easily seen on a Cell Phone...go to those who ALREADY KNOW they should have this!

Show them what you can do (or have done)....and ask for the order!

Don Alm....loong time Marketing Guy

Jake Gray

If you are truly serious about this, I'd recommend hiring a copywriter that will write you an email. When you get a chance, contact Mark Andrews - He's a good guy and extremely professional.

garyogden

Thank you all for your help I did hire a copywriter but it doesnt seem to be doing the trick.
Gary

FormerWageSlave

Are you just not getting any response at all?

garyogden

Nothing at all. I have re done it slightly and will see what happens.

deum

what about sending coupons to their clients for them on their mobile?

huge nice here for those who may like it!

Vagabond 007

I'm not surprised.

Imo, email SUCKS in general when selling anything. But that doesn't mean it can't be done. However, let's break it down.

Of all the emails you send...

X% will be bad addresses.
X% will go into spam.
Of the ones that don't, X% won't even get opened.
Of the ones that get opened, X% will delete the email within 2 seconds
Of the ones that make it to the end, X% won't take action for a number of reasons (no clear call to action, no compelling reason to do anything, horrible offer, don't need what you're selling, etc).

The amount of people who actually read the entire email and are interested in what you're selling and would like to have it, that number is so small.

With that out of the way, let's move onto your email. Btw, what was your subject line?

My comments below in red. Keep in mind I'm reading this from a business owners perspective.


I actually got tired of adding my comments to your email above. Too many mistakes you're making here. Of course no one replied and bought.

The email is too damn long. Start off with something more personal. Something short and to the point. It is email after. Most people use email for personal things.

You're trying to sell right from the email. This person doesn't know, like, or trust you. Start with something quick and non salesy (is that a word?) first. Then go for a meeting if they reply back to you.

The Ultimate Sales & Marketing Mind Map (Just updated - now twice as big!) - scott_krech - "Quite possibly one of the BEST WSO's ever."

www.UltimateMindMap.com

cottonking2000

I would stay away from emails unless you hire a spam king. Then the only way you get a return is to put a SEXY WOMEN IN THE EMAIL if marketed to guys. I would do a face book fan page with embed info you have...and go in that direction....friend clients and send them to fan page.....better for you

I would have it go to a Mobile web page too.....

EvanBeck

Might be a little long, but if you consider someone reads it all and takes action then they are most likely going to be a good lead.

Dark Horse comments are critical...but also brutally honest.

Evan Beck
rssmage.net
Webtomobile.net
MobileWebsiteDirectory.net

joe golfer

A Warrior named Brucerby has a great WSO named Power Mailers with great email stuff. No affiliate.

EDIT: Looks like Power Mailers is for direct mail but it is excellent for that.

For some good email tips go here:

http://www.legalmarketingblawg.com/2...ld-emails.html

http://www.warriorforum.com/offline-...d-calling.html

deum

i agree with everyone

its way too Long!

you just need a couple punch lines and then directly to the benefits,

All in bullet points form.

hope it help

ShivaLingam

Just edit that picture...
You are in the UK and people can see that the phone number is american (800 is the toll free number in USA, while in UK are 0800, 0808, etc).
Plus you can see that the address on one of the pictures says Brooklyn, NY.

If I were a prospect and I saw the picture I would think that you just took a standard email from some website targeted to the US and you just sent it to me, hoping that I didn't catch that - meaning that the websites in the image probably aren't yours!

And btw that website is from a product that was on sale (I think there was a WSO here too), so if it was included with the promotional stuff you could use that's fine, otherwise you may need the permission of the owner to use it for any purpose.

Owner of Di Carlo Agency

deum

This Mobile site doesn't look appealing at all from a design point of view.

use a better site with a more professional look.

go to this site for ideas,

Mobile Web Design | Best Mobile Websites | Mobile Website Gallery

midasman09

A few "mobile marketing" guys here...are making phone calls to prospects and "getting their permission" to email a 90sec Video...which gives Reasons Why prospects should consider Mobile.

You "clean" your prospect list so you are only sending to those who are "interested".

And...the Video "sells" them on "Phoning YOU" for more info.

Don Alm

deum

my experience?

its a good idea but the return is low on this

its like leaving a message to a company voice mail,

return is too low. if you have a phone force, make appointments to sell on the spot!

Rhino08

This email is too long....you need to be to the point! BJ

Blindbiz

There's not a lot wrong with it, might I offer a way we use to get a higher opening rate? I send a very short email text only with some short text asking a question click here to see how to solve this problem. It goes to either my blog or website. Example: Would you like to attract the attention of the 40K people who drive by your shop everyday?

MoneyMagnetMagnate

Exactly - 40K people drive by your shop everyday...Make Them Stop and Shop!

512 Designs

Listen to this audio. It's a bit long but the first 20 minutes pretty much explains the point. I think it will help.

Episode 024: The one with more cheese and less whiskers « I Love Marketing

Mike

Let Me Show You How You Can Turn Your
Existing PLR CONTENT Into CASH MONEY
In Dozens Of Different Ways!
CLICK HERE TO FIND OUT

4webmaster

Subject is important and your email text is too descriptive, long and technical.

Subject like: Your website BusinessName doesn't work on my mobile device. (high rates email open)

See owner will check what's going on and open your email.

Now emphisias on his website (make it personal, use his businessname) and don't talk technical stuff like "scrolling...." make a short review of actual site that is not optimized for mobile and tell that he is loosing visitors as most are using mobile phones to browse and they could become your competitor customer if they own a mobile site.

https://stevesuard.com

midasman09

Blindbiz nailed it; (Would you like to attract the attention of the 40K people who drive by your shop everyday?)
When I first began doing "remote" selling (ie, Non In-Person sales) I'd send out Postcards with a simple message;
"FREE Recorded Message Reveals........(ex: How To Fill Your Seats with Hungry Diners) Phone 555-1234 x 123 anytime"

Prospects would phone my Recorded Message (which was a 2 minute Sales Pitch as to why they should leave their Name & Mailing Address for an "Info Package") This was waay back in the Dark Ages BC (Before Computers)

Nowadays...."Fill Your Seats with Hungry Diners!"......in the Subject Line....SHOULD get your email opened if it was sent to restaurants. You then ENTICE them with a simple; "Fill In Form to receive Free Info!"

You MUST have a "Grabber" in the subject line! And when your email is opened you can't overwhelm them with a BoatLoad of text. They do NOT have Time to read a Report.

Hit them with quick, simple Grabbers. The MAIN purpose is to get their email so you can follow up. Same as in the old-days when we asked for their Name & Mailing addy.

Don Alm